MiniBK

I have no idea about picking up girls etc etc, but have you tried Dating sites, I hear it's becoming a more popular way of dating.

Carbonized

Sorry to say but despite what you see on the TV commercials, dating sites are a waste of time for anything other than trolling. Youtube is way better for finding information on setting things right.

MiniBK

See, I told you I had no idea about it...hahaha

Carbonized

No problem. Sent him some info on places where he can look to get a handle on that.

Avice

I don't know - fencing and rock climbing seem like pretty exciting hobbies to me...but maybe not exciting enough for you. I've heard about army vets coming back from wars and having a terrible time just because they were used to that constant level of 'extreme' and seeking it out in other ways. Dating without the training wheels of alcohol may cause you anxiety, but maybe that's exactly what you need. How do you know you can't approach a girl sober unless you've tried it? That's going to give you a hell of a burst of adrenaline if that's what you're looking for.

BTW, I was the hot girl at the bar. I'm not trying to sound egotistical - I'm just reasonably attractive. Add blonde hair, makeup and revealing clothes and presto. You are the hot girl at the bar. I had many one night stands, which seemed like a great idea. But...I was too drunk and thus I faked orgasms. Every. Single. One. Plus, I felt no connection to these guys. I'm terrified to have sex sober, but I have done it once since I quit. Things actually worked that time!

Get out there. Go on a dating site or wherever Carbonized sent you. Practice those sober conversational skills. If you're just going after the drunk girl at the bar, she'll just remember you as That Drunk Guy because she probably won't be able to remember your name 3 months down the line.

Hawkeye13

I find I relate in a less flashy / "surface successful" way now that I am sober in social situations.

However, I have gotten more comfortable as time has gone on (about 31/2 years of total "sober time" now) with having deeper and more meaningful connections when meeting people or spending time with ones I know socially.

Because I'm not drinking, I am able to really listen to what they say, ask good questions, and keep good eye contact and support in a conversation.

This is no small thing in terms of how people feel about meeting you and expanding the relationship over time.
You may not "get laid" as often but perhaps you'll meet Ms. Right and you'll both know it--

(one hint about that is that she isn't in a bar--)

I would give it a full year before you talk yourself into drinking again. Four months out of your entire adulthood isn't really time to establish a new "baseline" for who you are and how you relate to others yet.

I could never ever imagine quitting drinking (I also never hit "bottom") and being able to enjoy life, but now I can't imagine drinking again. Strange how that happens over time for most of us. . .

Happy Holidays Jay!

MidnightCowboy

Jay,

I have read this entire thread I can relate. I quit drinking in 2012 noticing my alcohol intake which was only on the weekends was increasingly and my memory of the nights events were foggy or non existent.

I became a boring person. I no longer wanted to go out with friends for fear that I would start drinking became withdrawn from the world even though I had several hobbies I couldn't seem to match that same feeling of being drunk and having a "hell of a night".

So after being sober for a year I decided that I was cured could have "a couple" and that I would stick to social drinking. Boy was I ever wrong it progressed from a couple to 4 to 6 to 8 to closing down every bar I visited. Even though I was having a "great time" with my drinking buddies I was deluding myself as I was terribly lonely. All that drinking was doing was temporarily blunting my loneliness.

Hooking up with the random "hot" girl was doing nothing to help in this in fact I think it made things worse when I realized how alone I truly was when everything was said and done.

I have only recently stopped drinking and the main reason for me wanting to stop is that I have finally found someone to care for and who cares for me. Not the drunk over self confident me. The real me.

The truth is even if you did meet a girl in a bar and start a relationship while drunk it's not based on anything in reality and is doomed for failure I have the scars to prove it.

I encourage you to try online dating and that was the one thing which actually worked for me and a few of my friends. As a generally shy person it helped heaps and even though it took quite some time I have found someone that I can have a life with.

I say this to you now just 7 days sober. It's not worth it I wasted two years of my life. Quite a bit of money and my health has really suffered.

It's really easy to let in that little voice which says.

"It's ok to drink. You're not hurting anyone. It's just for fun. Blow off some steam. etc."

Please don't give in. The only thing waiting for you as a drunk is a path to self destruction.

J

1seekinghelp

I know for me that life may not always be exciting being sober, but it wasn't exciting while I was drinking either. I didn't do a lot of things while I was drinking because I was focused on drinking and that took up my time. Now I have time to relax, enjoy my life and learn to be still. I think being still for any alcoholic/addict is really hard because for most of use we were drinking to run from something-feelings, situations, ourselves, the past etc. At least that was true for me. I have had to learn to be still and realize that while life may not always be exciting, I have a lot to be grateful for. Maybe try a gratitude list or being still and ask yourself how you are feeling, what you need etc. If you are still looking for excitement without drinking, I wonder if you aren't running from something. Just my two cents worth, thanks for posting and hang in there, it will get different and better each day you stay sober.

wheresthefun

Are you serious??????

walkbeformakrun

I'm not saying he is wrong. I think it sounds crazy but then I don't know for sure. Maybe you tube does have something better than dating sites for meeting women. Lets hear about it! Sounds interesting.

walkbeformakrun

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walkbeformakrun

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Carbonized

Dead serious.

Dating sites are pretty much rubbish. You get more action from apps but that's not saying much unless you are looking for just hook ups.

Youtube has tons of videos that are for helping one go out and actually make contact, socialize, talk to and interact with someone. Which is something dating sites don't do at all. Other videos are great for helping one cope if your social skills aren't the greatest and you need assistance. I wish this existed when i was in my teens and 20s, i guarantee you i wouldn't be at this site right now or wouldn't be pondering suicide multiple times a day, seven days a week.

There is so much out there you can (and sometimes have to) pick and choose what you want or need.

I may be at the (possible) end of my life and it's too late to change for how i want things to be but at least i can help out younger guys where i was destroyed years ago.

Here's a tidbit....https://www.youtube.com/user/rsdfreetour/videos

wheresthefun

Okay, I'm not really sure I understand much of what you are saying here...

However, I will say that I did meet my wife on one of those dating sites (one of the biggies). We have a great life together, and the odds of us ever meeting, had it not been for that dating site, would have been slim to none.

But again, I'm finding your post above, a bit confusing.

Carbonized

What i saying is dating sites are for the most part useless. You got really lucky with your wife. Are you aware of the staggering odds facing men on those sites unless they meet a pretty tight criteria? Forget about all that. Better to just go out amongst the people, which is an active action, instead of putting yourself on a site, which is a passive approach.

walkbeformakrun

I hope the OP doesn't mind this but he did ask about meeting women sober.

I think you both have a point. If a person is awkward or shy with women, it pays to study how to overcome that. Before you tube there were books for that and classes too. If you don't like you tube the old fashioned ways still work.

It also helps to put yourself out there as "available" in every possible way. Like a post on a dating website. I agree that for a guy to answer a post on a dating website is pointless unless he is one in a million. However, there are a lot of women who would never post, that will look at your post and reach out to you.

Of course if you are too awkward to respond effectively, no amount of putting yourself out there is going to do any good. Likewise, no amount of training to talk to women effectively will be helpful either, if you are locked in your basement with no internet connection.

Turtle82

I only have indirect experience through a 40-something step-daughter. Not only were multiple big-name dating sites not effective but she ran into some really bad characters there from "sick" people to out-and-out criminals. Youtube, however, was much safer and more honest as well as informative. Some on there exposed people on dating sites and educated on their methods. The youtube community is pretty quick to expose nefarious types. A bonus of youtube is you get to actually see the real person, not a 10 year old photo, and hear them talk... more like a face-to-face meeting without the risks.

Longpasttime

Others have addressed the alcohol issue so well so i will say check out meetup groups. They have one for just about any interest and activity and everyone is there to meet new people.
As far as talking to women, realize that it is fun and a challenge with no downside (once you are okay with a "no thanks") and tons of upside. You don't need alcohol to have courage or be interesting, and any girl not drunk herself will be much more receptive to talking to a sober guy.
Good luck!!

Carbonized

[QUOTE=walkbeformakrun;5092751If a person is awkward or shy with women, it pays to study how to overcome that. Before you tube there were books for that and classes too. If you don't like you tube the old fashioned ways still work.

Of course if you are too awkward to respond effectively, no amount of putting yourself out there is going to do any good. Likewise, no amount of training to talk to women effectively will be helpful either, if you are locked in your basement with no internet connection.[/QUOTE]

The books and classes are still out there. If you go to Amazon you will see a bunch of them. Just looking online there are tons of e-books and PDFs available, mostly for free. The classes are quite easy to find as well. go to many of the various forums which are popular in that scene and you will find the classes.

The tough part is putting theory into practice. Especially if you have little to no experience doing it without alcoholic or chemical support.

Carbonized

Had a guy on another site who had severe social anxiety but was trying his best to deal with it all and get his first girlfriend. After 500 rejections he took his own life.

It's just not as easy as you say.