LifeBlows

Forgive me while I ramble.

I had a fight with my mother and my heart hurts. I have an actual physical pain in my chest and feel so anxious that I have like spasms in my back. The level of anxiety is the same that I feel is the same as the one I would feel the morning after I stopped drinking and had gone into withdrawal. I feel miserable.

What my mum said to me made me feel that she no longer wanted me to stay at her house but that she couldn't come right out and say so. I felt she had started to resent me so I decided to leave. I'm confused. She gets angry with me when I don't ask for help but then she seems to resent having to help me at the same time. I really feel that she is tired of me. (i've been sober for just under 1.5 years). She told me that things at home were too easy for me and she's right so I left but when I left she sending me text messages to come home.

I really felt that she was telling me to go. I also recognize that I can be hypersensitive and that at this point in my recovery my emotions are still over the top i think. So part of me wonders if what she said and what I heard were two very different things. Maybe she was simply expressing her discontent with my behavior. Anyway I left, I left and she asked me to come home. I'd been coming home and leaving early so I wouldn't have to talk to her. (Childish and just a touch creepy I know).

I don't know how to fix this. I in the history of my relationship with my mother the usual (even before started drinking) was that she would say what she had to say and then I would stand there and take it and then go away and just feel resentful about it. I wouldn't speak up or try to defend myself. When I started to drink it was easier to suppress my emotions or hurt about the things that she had saud.

My mum can be so verbally aggressive – its to the point that we've had other family members leave becaue they cannot deal with her any more. I have seen her make a grown man cry. Its like an butt whoopin' only she gives it verbally.

Every time I've tried to live with my mother I end up leaving on bad terms. So why did I go back? I twas only supposed to be for 1 month. Then it was 3 and now its been almost a year. I left witout telling her first. (I'm trying to evict my tenant so that I can move back in but that it taking way longer than expected). I was too scared to tell her that I was leaving so I left and then sent her a text message. She asked me to come home just for Christmas. Its going to be awkward.

I don't know why I didn't see this connection before. (that I always end up leaving my mother's home and on bad terms). When I look back at it I have wanted to leave my mother's house since I was about 11 so I don't know why I keep going back. Why would i do that?

I really don't have the money to move out and this is going to involve being homeless for about a month. But its okay. The last time I left my mother's house I went and stayed with my then boyfriend who smoked crack on and off. He kicked me out. I had $3.50 left in my whole life, Just enough to take the bus to the homeless shelter. In five months I found two jobs and a place to stay. I did okay. Its going to be a little uncomfortable for a while

Anyway even though I know that leaving is the right decision I feel real anguish that my mother is upset.

ScottFromWI

Why not show what you just wrote to her so she knows exactly how you feel?

Hawkeye13

It sounds like you and your mother have some deep issues.

I know I could have never lasted living with my toxic alcoholic mother for very long so perhaps this is for the best.

Stay sober, find some work and keep yourself safe.
It sounds like you know how to pull yourself up, and that is a very empowering life skill.

biminiblue

Ah. The push-me pull-you.

It's time to be on your own. Stay gone this time. Then learn to stand up to Mom. It's the only way to finally grow up into an adult.

I know how tough it is - I had to do it, too.

OklaBH

you will feel better and have a better chance being sober if you move out for good. good luck !