Living with myself
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 145
Living with myself
How does one get by? Alcohol has led me to act like a complete jerk at times, but I don't even know if I should feel that way. I just do. It seems that only alcohol relieves it. Then it's like a sigh of relief. But now, at this hour, I am sober and it's as if I don't even know who I am anymore. I really do feel this way all the time. Before typing this post, I questioned if all of us are consistently suffering in this world. I don't mean that in a narcissistic sense, as if everybody shares my problems. Just that I wonder if life is meant to be horrifying. I'm pretty sure that it's a buddhist value, that life is all about suffering. I hope I'm not triggering anybody to feel depressed, I just want to be completely honest.
I've been through hospital detox several times, and tried to get into rehab, but my insurance wouldn't cover it before outpatient treatment. My liver is sick. I have no money and no job. I feel quite certain that I'm going to die soon. I'm 27 years old now and I've ruined my life. I began an anti-depressant not long ago and it seems like it's only made things worse. I hate confiding like this (to anyone) because I feel like I sound terrible to people. It's impossible to put into words. It just feels like I deserve all of this. It feels like everybody on earth either hates me or should hate me. I cannot seem to quit drinking, and can't even make myself want to. And you have to want to. I chronically relapse. I even feel bad making this post, so I'm going to stop soon.
I truly hope all of you are doing well. This is quite a struggle. It's a vicious cycle. I drink, I feel bad if I sounded like a bad person, and then I drink to feel better about it.
I've been through hospital detox several times, and tried to get into rehab, but my insurance wouldn't cover it before outpatient treatment. My liver is sick. I have no money and no job. I feel quite certain that I'm going to die soon. I'm 27 years old now and I've ruined my life. I began an anti-depressant not long ago and it seems like it's only made things worse. I hate confiding like this (to anyone) because I feel like I sound terrible to people. It's impossible to put into words. It just feels like I deserve all of this. It feels like everybody on earth either hates me or should hate me. I cannot seem to quit drinking, and can't even make myself want to. And you have to want to. I chronically relapse. I even feel bad making this post, so I'm going to stop soon.
I truly hope all of you are doing well. This is quite a struggle. It's a vicious cycle. I drink, I feel bad if I sounded like a bad person, and then I drink to feel better about it.
You can stop the cycle if you take away the drink. Your life is not ruined irreparably, you can have a full and complete life and it can start today. You won't close your eyes and wake up in wonderland, but you will make a life worth living. Yes there will still be suffering, but there will also be love and joy and enthusiasm. One day at a time.
Hi Noro. I'm doing well, thank you. Yes, it is a struggle and a vicious cycle. The only way out is to get off. Step to one side. Put down the booze. Get through the withdrawals and see life with clear eyes and clear mind. You can rebuild your life. I'm doing that now. We're here for you. Just make a start and we'll be with you.
I don't think life is meant to be horrifying, but the temptation to create evil rather than good seems to be a part of human nature. For the most part, I strive for an attitude of unconditional love and compassion towards others...then I go and say something catty None of us are perfect, but we can try each and every day to be as good as possible, and we can chose to separate ourselves from toxic relationships that undermine that goal.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 145
I appreciate all of your advice. I do my best to be a good person, but I often slip up. And the booze doesn't help me in the long term. It does seem to when I have a drink, but it worsens things when I run out and have no money.
I just have a way of continually blaming myself and putting myself down. And the anti-depressant doesn't mix well with the alcohol, of course. It's tough to confide about this stuff, but hopefully I'll feel alright about it. The withdrawals are scary beyond words, yet so is my liver failing. Alcohol does frequently seem like a cure, and it does feel like it when I have it. But factually, I know that it's no cure at all. There's nothing wrong with it when a person takes a drink, but for us addicts, it's no good. I'm thinking of trying out AA or some kind of program. Tomorrow with my psychiatrist appointment, I don't think I can arrive there after drinking. They might just end up dismissing me. But then I'm worried I'll be in withdrawal.
I really do admire you guys for managing to stick with recovery. I don't want to pretend to be the only one going through this. I'm not normally one to be very forthcoming with my problems, but it seems to help sometimes.
I just have a way of continually blaming myself and putting myself down. And the anti-depressant doesn't mix well with the alcohol, of course. It's tough to confide about this stuff, but hopefully I'll feel alright about it. The withdrawals are scary beyond words, yet so is my liver failing. Alcohol does frequently seem like a cure, and it does feel like it when I have it. But factually, I know that it's no cure at all. There's nothing wrong with it when a person takes a drink, but for us addicts, it's no good. I'm thinking of trying out AA or some kind of program. Tomorrow with my psychiatrist appointment, I don't think I can arrive there after drinking. They might just end up dismissing me. But then I'm worried I'll be in withdrawal.
I really do admire you guys for managing to stick with recovery. I don't want to pretend to be the only one going through this. I'm not normally one to be very forthcoming with my problems, but it seems to help sometimes.
Before typing this post, I questioned if all of us are consistently suffering in this world. I don't mean that in a narcissistic sense, as if everybody shares my problems. Just that I wonder if life is meant to be horrifying. I'm pretty sure that it's a buddhist value, that life is all about suffering.
I imagine the way you feel now, that's incomprehensible. The cycle of despair is as hard to stop as the cycle of relapse.
But it can be done.
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: The Deep South
Posts: 14,636
Before typing this post, I questioned if all of us are consistently suffering in this world. I don't mean that in a narcissistic sense, as if everybody shares my problems. Just that I wonder if life is meant to be horrifying. I'm pretty sure that it's a buddhist value, that life is all about suffering.
The theory of the Buddha’s teaching is very profound. Some people do not understand its meanings and may only know it superficially. After listening to a few phrases, they may start to explain to the others in their own way. As a result, some explanations people tell, may not be accurate teachings of the Buddha. The most common misunderstandings are about the teachings: "life is suffering", "out-worldly" and "emptiness". So now lets discuss these terminologies separately:
a) Life is suffering
The Buddha told us that "Life is Suffering". One who does not understand the Truth of this may think that life is meaningless and become negative and pessimistic. Actually, this theory is commonly misunderstood. People in society and even some Buddhists are trapped in this wrong and gloomy view.
When we encounter phenomena, and have a feeling of dislike, worry or pain, we say that there is "suffering". This should not be generalised to "all life is suffering", because there is also a lot of happiness in life! Noises are disturbing but nice melodies bring happiness. When one is sick, poor, separated from loved ones, one has suffering. But when one is healthy, wealthy, together with one’s family, one is very happy. Suffering and happiness exist in all phenomena. Actually where there is happiness, there will be suffering. They are in contrast with each other. If’ we only say that life is suffering when things do not go according to our wish we are rather foolish.
The Buddha says, "Life is suffering". What does "suffering" mean? The sutras say: "Impermanence therefore suffering". Everything is impermanent and changeable. The Buddha says that life is suffering because it is impermanent and ever-changing. For example, a healthy body cannot last forever. It will gradually become weak, old. sick and die. One who is wealthy cannot maintain one’s wealth forever. Sometimes one may become poor. Power and status do not last as well, one will lose them finally. From this condition of changing and instability, although there is happiness and joy, they are not ever lasting and ultimate. When changes come, suffering arises.
Thus, the Buddha says life is suffering. Suffering means dissatisfaction, impermanence and imperfection. If a practising Buddhist does not understand the real meaning of "suffering" and think that life is not perfect and ultimate, they become negative and pessimistic in their view of life. Those who really understand the teaching of the Buddha will have a totally different view. We should know that the theory of "Life is suffering" taught by the Buddha is to remind us that life is not ultimate and lasting, and hence we should strive towards Buddhahood — a permanent and perfect life.
This is similar to one who is sick. One must know that one is sick before wanting to seek the doctor’s treatment. Only then can the sickness be cured. Why is life not ultimate and permanent and full of suffering? There must be a cause for the suffering. Once one knows the cause of suffering, one will try one’s best to be rid of the causes, and hence end the suffering and attain ultimate peacefulness and happiness.
A practising Buddhist should practice according to the Buddha’s instruction, and change this imperfect and non-ultimate life to a ultimate and perfect one. Then would come a state of permanent joy, personality, and purity.
Permanent means ever-lasting, joy means peacefulness and happiness, personality means freedom and non-attachment, purity means cleanliness. This highest aim of Buddhism is not only to break through the suffering of life but to transform this suffering life into a life that has permanent peacefulness, joy, freedom and purity. The Buddha told us the cause of suffering and instructed us to strive towards the goal. The stage of permanent, joy, personality and purity is an ultimate ideal phenomena. It is full of brightness and hope. It is a stage that is attainable by all of us. How can we say that Buddhism is negative and pessimistic?
Although not all practising Buddhists are able to attain this highest point of practice, there is still boundless benefit in knowing this theory. Most people know that they have to strive to do good when they are poor, but once they become rich, they forget about everything, and only think about their own enjoyment and hence walk towards the wrong path foolishly.
A practising Buddhist should remember to strive not only when one is poor and in difficulties, but should also be mindful when one is enjoying, because happiness is not permanent. If one does not strive towards the good, they will degenerate and fall very quickly. The teaching of "Life is suffering" reminds us not to look forward for enjoyment only and go the wrong way. This is the important implication in the teaching of "Life is suffering", taught by the Buddha."
The alcohol is causing this state of mind.
I could have written your posts in my drinking days. As a matter of fact, I think I've said all those things in AA meetings in the early days.
Alcohol is causing this mindset. It is a depressant. It caused me to think that I may as well be dead, in fact I wished for death. I felt I was destined to die an alcoholic death under the overpass.
Get away from alcohol - today. Your anti-depressants don't even work when you're drinking. You can go to an AA meeting when you are still drinking. They will welcome you with open arms and a solution. A hospital emergency room is better than what you are feeling, too. They will also find help for you.
There is a way out. Put down the drink and call the phone number.
I could have written your posts in my drinking days. As a matter of fact, I think I've said all those things in AA meetings in the early days.
Alcohol is causing this mindset. It is a depressant. It caused me to think that I may as well be dead, in fact I wished for death. I felt I was destined to die an alcoholic death under the overpass.
Get away from alcohol - today. Your anti-depressants don't even work when you're drinking. You can go to an AA meeting when you are still drinking. They will welcome you with open arms and a solution. A hospital emergency room is better than what you are feeling, too. They will also find help for you.
There is a way out. Put down the drink and call the phone number.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 145
SoberJennie, you do seem to have a better understanding of Buddhism than I do. To be honest, I was basically thinking out loud. Well, typing out loud. You seem to have a very good point of view, though. I will look into Buddhism and hopefully have a better idea of it. From the sound of it, it seems to be a good path.
biminiblue, if AA does welcome me, that would be great. In fact I might go to a meeting tonight. I've been thinking about it. Many of you good folks have suggested it, and I may try it out again.
biminiblue, if AA does welcome me, that would be great. In fact I might go to a meeting tonight. I've been thinking about it. Many of you good folks have suggested it, and I may try it out again.
My drinking defined me for decades noro - I had no idea how to function, let alone live, without alcohol.
I imagined I'd be this useless part-husk of a man.
What I found instead was a me I'd forgotten. I was expecting an end but I found a beginning.
I love myself, and I love my life - I could not say that at any other time in my adult life.
I'm not blowing smoke - the initial phase is tough - but my fear of reality was far FAR greater than the reality itself - and you're not alone here - there is support, her and elsewhere, every single step of the way .
You absolutely can do this.
If I could come off drinking all day every day for 5 years, you can too
D
I imagined I'd be this useless part-husk of a man.
What I found instead was a me I'd forgotten. I was expecting an end but I found a beginning.
I love myself, and I love my life - I could not say that at any other time in my adult life.
I'm not blowing smoke - the initial phase is tough - but my fear of reality was far FAR greater than the reality itself - and you're not alone here - there is support, her and elsewhere, every single step of the way .
You absolutely can do this.
If I could come off drinking all day every day for 5 years, you can too
D
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: The Deep South
Posts: 14,636
SoberJennie, you do seem to have a better understanding of Buddhism than I do. To be honest, I was basically thinking out loud. Well, typing out loud. You seem to have a very good point of view, though. I will look into Buddhism and hopefully have a better idea of it. From the sound of it, it seems to be a good path.
.
.
This is quoted, not my words However, I do understand it. And I wanted to share it with you. Hope it helps.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 145
Dee74, I'm glad to hear that you're doing well. Constantly picking up that bottle has put me through a lot. It's put us all through a lot, and it's encouraging that you guys have made it through. It gets hard to find strength, or feel the willpower to stick up for myself. Right now I can't seem to do it without being drunk, and then feeling bad afterwards. It seems that I take others' thoughts and statements over my own. Alcohol seems like this ironic relief, but it is still a presence in my life. A cruel one. However, I will not allow myself to believe that addiction is a person's entire fault. There is a stigma involved that should not be there. It's what we've all put up with. I hope that I can eventually help others the same way you have.
SoberJennie, my mistake, lol. It's a good thing to adhere to though, so it's good you have an understanding of it. I vaguely do, but I haven't gotten to the details. Thank you for your response, though. It's good and helpful.
SoberJennie, my mistake, lol. It's a good thing to adhere to though, so it's good you have an understanding of it. I vaguely do, but I haven't gotten to the details. Thank you for your response, though. It's good and helpful.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 145
Carbonized, I just hope it doesn't end up turning out badly. Being accused so much of being drunk (and it's practically always correct), it truly is tough. I don't want to stumble around or slur my words, making myself obvious. There is a meeting in four hours, and I'd like to go, but by then I might be very drunk. I don't want to trigger anyone.
But I might go. I'm not sure right now. It's probably a good idea.
I often wonder about those movies that regard alcoholism, such as "Flight" or "You Kill Me," if they represent reality to some extent. Because it does often represent my reality. I can relate. I managed to drink myself into illness and oblivion before 30 years old. I have to get away from this stuff.
But I might go. I'm not sure right now. It's probably a good idea.
I often wonder about those movies that regard alcoholism, such as "Flight" or "You Kill Me," if they represent reality to some extent. Because it does often represent my reality. I can relate. I managed to drink myself into illness and oblivion before 30 years old. I have to get away from this stuff.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 145
I will look into that, hopeful4. There are some Salvation Army facilities in my area. Are these rehab programs? If I can get into one, I'd go back to detox and head straight over to rehab. Unfortunately they have a limited amount of beds, but hopefully I won't be denied.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)