Grief and relapse
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: South Bay, So Cal
Posts: 6,121
My deepest sympathies for the loss of your sister bemyself. My brother committed suicide this last April, he did not seek help for his alcoholism. I just wanted you to know that your post here touched my heart. You are not alone. We really do all grieve in our own way. Please stay close to those in your program, allow them to be of service to you my friend. It helps you and them during this painful time.
Hugs & love to you.
Bobbi
Hugs & love to you.
Bobbi
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
Same experience as Dee and Jennie -- when I was drinking, I would often cry like a mad woman over losses and many other things, including totally imaginary things. At the time I thought I was experiencing some very deep and genuine emotions that were probably disinhibited by alcohol. Maybe the disinhibition is true, but now that I've been sober for a while, it's very clear to me that those states were very... skewed. I definitely wasn't really present to the emotions and often I would not remember half of it the day after. I am now convinced the drunken "grief" was more like (sorry about the word) hysteria for me. Yes it can be soooo much more real and healing sober.
hopping for freedom
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 847
I am very sorry to hear about your loss. I went through something similar with my dad. He took his own life after suffering chronic and severe health issues along with depression for a very long time. He was in his 50s. It was devastating. I thought I would never be happy again. I grieved very hard for a long time. I think it was good for me to throw myself into the grief and sob my heart out over and over again. Then as the years passed, it became easier to bear. I still get sad and cry sometimes but I managed to carry on living and can now look back and remember him with a smile on my face and a warm feeling of love instead of pain and loss. He wanted most of all for me to be happy in my life and trusted in my strength to be able to cope without him.
I realize that I didn't address the sobriety issue. I think being sober is the only way to truly process feelings in a healthy way. Otherwise it's just the pain without the reward of healing.
I realize that I didn't address the sobriety issue. I think being sober is the only way to truly process feelings in a healthy way. Otherwise it's just the pain without the reward of healing.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,414
Originally Posted by bemyself 
Just before I go for one of many naps (have to do them, even when sober):
I'll leave it to Dee or one of the other mods to decide if this thread should be moved to Grief and Loss, or not.
Thanks. ps Dee love your latest pic of sitting surrounded by screens - you could be a day trader in another life (but without all that dough) :-)
I'll leave it to Dee or one of the other mods to decide if this thread should be moved to Grief and Loss, or not.
Thanks. ps Dee love your latest pic of sitting surrounded by screens - you could be a day trader in another life (but without all that dough) :-)
ps I wouldn't mind the dough
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Melbourne, Victoria Australia
Posts: 1,202
Wow.
I hear you all, big time.
Am doing my best, such as it is. Pretty ****-poor, at the moment.
And yeah, Dee...quite right to admit you 'wouldn't mind the dough', indeed. What you do is worth..............?!
xx
I hear you all, big time.
Am doing my best, such as it is. Pretty ****-poor, at the moment.
And yeah, Dee...quite right to admit you 'wouldn't mind the dough', indeed. What you do is worth..............?!
xx
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Earth
Posts: 164
Originally Posted by bemyself
I'm especially aware that in the my later years after so long being on SSRIs for depression and anxiety, that these damn drugs commonly blunt our ability to cry, express emotion, etc. So I've almost - perhaps sub consciously - resorted, without wanting it, to drinking in order to grieve.
(Those meds also make our BAC go higher than it would otherwise, which makes everything worse...... you already know this I'm sure......)
Have you tried sad movies? Those can help get the tears flowing as well as alcohol (seems) to, but with more meaning. Maybe we should start a list of sad movies and other things that help us mourn.
If you ever want to PM me, please feel free. We're in this together. Wishing you all the strength and healing you need during this time.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
as for feelings...yeah, i often thought that partly i drank in order to feel, since my feelings seemed to be more intense and intensely felt when drunk. especially the sad, aching, desperate and cuttingly grieving ones. couldn't understand why so many people (and articles by mental health care people) kept talking about how we drink in order to numb our feelings...never felt that getting drunk numbed me, really...
but being sober a while now, i see that those feelings were real at the time, but that drinking made me throw myself into them, wildly so, without any awareness of them b4eing part of something else/bigger picture. i wanted them to swallow me up. because, in fact, i couldn't deal with them. didn't have a clue what else to do.
may be nothing like that for you.
it's good to see you here again; i've wondered about how and where you are. hope you'll stick around.
but being sober a while now, i see that those feelings were real at the time, but that drinking made me throw myself into them, wildly so, without any awareness of them b4eing part of something else/bigger picture. i wanted them to swallow me up. because, in fact, i couldn't deal with them. didn't have a clue what else to do.
may be nothing like that for you.
it's good to see you here again; i've wondered about how and where you are. hope you'll stick around.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Melbourne, Victoria Australia
Posts: 1,202
Put this in my profile but need to say it here too.
Thanks guys, feeling terrible. In the thick (again) of relapse, trying to get sober, relapse, etc etc.
Meantime, we've had so many frightful events happening in the last week or so - Sydney siege, Pakistani school kids massacre, now today, 8 children stabbed in the one family in Cairns (Northern Queensland).
I couldn't attend my own sister's cremation up in Darwin - other end of this Big Country - nor, only last Friday, her memorial service in Sydney.
It's coming up to to Christmas - so I have to listen to my (allegedly very upper middle class 'normal', 'social drinkers') neighbours carousing at the end of my driveway this evening for their annual Christmas party.
It's my eldest sister's birthday on the 23rd, mine on the 24th and then Christmas. I don't give a **** about any of it. Except to call my eldest sister, who is also executor of Sue's affairs.
thank you guys, for just being around. You've too been through so much, in your own lives and your own countries.
Much love,
Vic
Meantime, we've had so many frightful events happening in the last week or so - Sydney siege, Pakistani school kids massacre, now today, 8 children stabbed in the one family in Cairns (Northern Queensland).
I couldn't attend my own sister's cremation up in Darwin - other end of this Big Country - nor, only last Friday, her memorial service in Sydney.
It's coming up to to Christmas - so I have to listen to my (allegedly very upper middle class 'normal', 'social drinkers') neighbours carousing at the end of my driveway this evening for their annual Christmas party.
It's my eldest sister's birthday on the 23rd, mine on the 24th and then Christmas. I don't give a **** about any of it. Except to call my eldest sister, who is also executor of Sue's affairs.
thank you guys, for just being around. You've too been through so much, in your own lives and your own countries.
Much love,
Vic
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,414
Those are terrible events...but there are other ways to deal with them Vic.
I've been badly affected myself but I haven't taken a drink...to be honest I never thought of it.
I'm not saying that in a boastful fashion at all - I'm just a guy...I'm just giving you and your AV proof that there is anopther way.
I believe you could deal with all this, and your family stuff as well, sober. I really do.
It would be another tragedy in a week of tragedies if we lost you too Vic.
D
I've been badly affected myself but I haven't taken a drink...to be honest I never thought of it.
I'm not saying that in a boastful fashion at all - I'm just a guy...I'm just giving you and your AV proof that there is anopther way.
I believe you could deal with all this, and your family stuff as well, sober. I really do.
It would be another tragedy in a week of tragedies if we lost you too Vic.
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Melbourne, Victoria Australia
Posts: 1,202
Thanks guys. 'Not drowning, waving..' is about the best I can say.
I called my AA 'mentor' (as we each like to call her) a short few minutes before she was about to go to her home group mtg, not mine, but very local to both of us. I told her about having tried soooo hard today - like, again - to stay sober today, to achieve a Day 1. But I failed on that, barely two hours before that 2 o'clock mtg.
She told me that this meeting happening now is when she picks up her 23 year chip. I feel even worse, knowing I can't be there to honour that with her and others. [And this meeting is by no means one of my 'comfortable / favourite' ones].
Just before calling her, I had finally opened up the big package which arrived from my eldest sister yesterday - full of Sue's truly eccentric bits n pieces, including - wtf - a lock of her hair! I broke down at that. My family pretend to be not sentimental - but Jeez, this is pure 19th century Romantics stuff.
Plus, my eldest sister had also enclosed her presents to me for my birthday and for Christmas, with beautiful cards. I can't do anything for her birthday, my birthday nor Christmas. I've left her a voice message saying, 'you're very naughty!' (i.e. guilt, more guilt, and more guilt).
The only thing I can do is to try, yet again, to get a sober 24 hours and beyond. I calculate it to the hour, with symptoms / mild meds / sleeping when I can.
The best I can do for now is to aim for 24 hours from now (nearly 3pm AEDST). At the very least, in order to be sober enough to help out my mentor - whose dotty old aunt is apparently about to descend on their place, to make said mentor's life even more difficult what with her having a demented (clinically) father in the same house. I'm actually quite good with humouring dotty old aunts and such. So have to be sober!
I called my AA 'mentor' (as we each like to call her) a short few minutes before she was about to go to her home group mtg, not mine, but very local to both of us. I told her about having tried soooo hard today - like, again - to stay sober today, to achieve a Day 1. But I failed on that, barely two hours before that 2 o'clock mtg.
She told me that this meeting happening now is when she picks up her 23 year chip. I feel even worse, knowing I can't be there to honour that with her and others. [And this meeting is by no means one of my 'comfortable / favourite' ones].
Just before calling her, I had finally opened up the big package which arrived from my eldest sister yesterday - full of Sue's truly eccentric bits n pieces, including - wtf - a lock of her hair! I broke down at that. My family pretend to be not sentimental - but Jeez, this is pure 19th century Romantics stuff.
Plus, my eldest sister had also enclosed her presents to me for my birthday and for Christmas, with beautiful cards. I can't do anything for her birthday, my birthday nor Christmas. I've left her a voice message saying, 'you're very naughty!' (i.e. guilt, more guilt, and more guilt).
The only thing I can do is to try, yet again, to get a sober 24 hours and beyond. I calculate it to the hour, with symptoms / mild meds / sleeping when I can.
The best I can do for now is to aim for 24 hours from now (nearly 3pm AEDST). At the very least, in order to be sober enough to help out my mentor - whose dotty old aunt is apparently about to descend on their place, to make said mentor's life even more difficult what with her having a demented (clinically) father in the same house. I'm actually quite good with humouring dotty old aunts and such. So have to be sober!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Melbourne, Victoria Australia
Posts: 1,202
Sober at last
Apologies for the sudden drop off in the thread: I drank my way through and into Christmas Day, alone here at home. Had reached the point of having to have the wine delivered, and Indian food home delivered for something to eat, even if only in the evening.
Cut a long story short: On or about Christmas Eve, I'd rung my old rehab (a private one), but as usual at this time of year, they were booked out until early February! they suggested I ask my GP for a referral to the psych ward there, as they might have a bed earlier. All this I would have to pay for myself: 5 days = $4-5k. !!!!! [I stopped my private health insurance payments completely around my 6 month sober mark AND because of massively rising premiums]. I rang my GP clinic just before they were closing for Christmas next day, and my GP faxed through the referral.
But then: I woke up on Boxing Day, thought 'eff this'. I don't want to go down that path. So I have detoxed myself at home since Boxing Day using a nationally prescribed Valium dose regime, B1, etc etc. Couldn't eat much, but ordered supermarket supplies online, which arrived the next day. It was pretty hideous - depressing (Valium really depresses me), awful long periods of sedation and fatigue, sleeps much of each day interspersed with feeble attempts to keep my poor dog entertained with indoor play and outside driveway ball play. Still haven't got the stamina yet to vacuum and dust and such, but slowly slowly building up.
I managed to drag myself to 2 or 3 meetings mid-late this week just gone.
Tonight, I'm supposed to chair a huge twilight meeting, of about 50+ people, with a very rigid time-keeping schedule all packed into an hour. I feel like bunking off and asking if someone else can do it, given my brain is still mush. This is my first such monthly chairing commitment (which is how that particular meeting does it).
Bunking off? Scared I'd fluff it? Yes. and no. I'm just trying to keep chilled, and meditating on hearing my sister's voice / spirit - she's already dead almost two months, I can't believe it. But I must do this, to honour her last days' encouragement to me to get back to recovery again.
Cut a long story short: On or about Christmas Eve, I'd rung my old rehab (a private one), but as usual at this time of year, they were booked out until early February! they suggested I ask my GP for a referral to the psych ward there, as they might have a bed earlier. All this I would have to pay for myself: 5 days = $4-5k. !!!!! [I stopped my private health insurance payments completely around my 6 month sober mark AND because of massively rising premiums]. I rang my GP clinic just before they were closing for Christmas next day, and my GP faxed through the referral.
But then: I woke up on Boxing Day, thought 'eff this'. I don't want to go down that path. So I have detoxed myself at home since Boxing Day using a nationally prescribed Valium dose regime, B1, etc etc. Couldn't eat much, but ordered supermarket supplies online, which arrived the next day. It was pretty hideous - depressing (Valium really depresses me), awful long periods of sedation and fatigue, sleeps much of each day interspersed with feeble attempts to keep my poor dog entertained with indoor play and outside driveway ball play. Still haven't got the stamina yet to vacuum and dust and such, but slowly slowly building up.
I managed to drag myself to 2 or 3 meetings mid-late this week just gone.
Tonight, I'm supposed to chair a huge twilight meeting, of about 50+ people, with a very rigid time-keeping schedule all packed into an hour. I feel like bunking off and asking if someone else can do it, given my brain is still mush. This is my first such monthly chairing commitment (which is how that particular meeting does it).
Bunking off? Scared I'd fluff it? Yes. and no. I'm just trying to keep chilled, and meditating on hearing my sister's voice / spirit - she's already dead almost two months, I can't believe it. But I must do this, to honour her last days' encouragement to me to get back to recovery again.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: German Village, Columbus with my love ♥
Posts: 88,474
Vic, maybe that meeting tonight is exactly what you need.
Not only will it change your focus, but you will be surrounded by a lot of people who understand. And if it gets too much? You can ask someone to take over.
I'm sorry that I didn't see this thread before today ~ my heart goes out to you and your family.
Not only will it change your focus, but you will be surrounded by a lot of people who understand. And if it gets too much? You can ask someone to take over.
I'm sorry that I didn't see this thread before today ~ my heart goes out to you and your family.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 1,778
Bemyself, I just read through this whole thread and I am glad to hear you're doing better. I'm so very sorry about the loss of your sister. I hope you can find healing and peace within. Sending much love and hugs your way. Hang in there! xoxo
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