maia1234

I am looking for ideas from A's regarding the Christmas Holidays....

I just divorced my A after 34 years together. I love my husband very much but could no longer live with his partying. My heart breaks that we are not still together as he was my best friend. But I had to get out of the craziness that he has put me through the last couple of years.

So my dilemma is what to do for the holidays. I know that we are suppose to detach and let him fall. I was thinking of inviting him over for Christmas eve and have him spend the night. But, I want to tell him I will have no alcohol here and don't want him to come to my house drunk. Should i invite him, or let him have the repercussions of being alone. He will be spending Christmas afternoon with the kids at his families house.

I want to be nice and not have him alone, but not sure if he will keep alcohol out in his car and drink while I dont see it. Maybe since we are not married anymore then I don't have any say in anything. Please help me do the right thing. My ultimate goal would be to get back with my X, but only if he is sober and working a program. HELP, as it is getting close and I feel that something should be discussed as this is our first holiday divorced

LexieCat

I wouldn't invite him over to spend the night on Christmas Eve. That just sounds like a recipe for disaster one way or another. He will see his kids, he will see his family. You are divorced. I'd suggest you find some friends to do something special with, or find something else to do--find a volunteer opportunity, rent some great movies and have a cozy evening alone, something like that.

Aellyce

Hi maia.

My advice would be to spend Christmas without him. I gather that you are recently divorced, and still love him. Your idea about having him for that one day/night sounds like when we alkies say we'll have just one drink... never works. I have been in a somewhat similar situation with an ex-bf telling myself I just wanted to be friends... no way. Each time I met him again in a private setting, it reinstated the whole emotional turmoil and there was no progress because the base issues (our drinking) were not resolved. It's not that we want to let them fall, it's the opposite. But you don't want to fall in the process, right?

Does he want to quit? If so, maybe tell him that you might reconsider getting back on, but only when he has had a good dose of recovery under his belt.

As for what to do at Christmas, maybe try something you have not done this time of year before? Something new.

Aellyce

Double post.

MIRecovery

Detaching and spending the night. Sounds like a contradiction in terms

maia1234

Mir, I agree detaching and spending the night do contradict. No he is no where near hitting rock bottom and getting sober. His life to me sounds great. He busy every night and life seems to be great for him.

I just had major surgery last Tuesday and he helped me by taking my dog and picking up my RX. It kills me that he has moved on and I am still feeling the pain. I guess everyone says to be with out him. Not really the answer i was hoping for as i want him around I think more then my kids. WHY?????

Aellyce

Sorry about your health issue. The fact that he helped you does not mean that you owe him with inviting him to spend Christmas eve in your home. I think there can be safer ways to express your appreciation for his help.

Well, I think the fact that you love him is enough to make you feel this way? In my case, when I was in a similar place, it was more or different than normal love. It was an obsession (in our case mutual) that was very hard to break for me, really just as hard as my drinking problem. These things are hard to handle of course, there is nothing rational about how we feel and why.

maia1234

Haennie, I know you are right. Now that you are sober, don't you regret not being with your significant other? I have been with my x since I was 15 years old, I just turned 50 last month. I have never been alone. I struggle with this everyday, especially being at home all week taking it easy. I am feeling sorry for myself and of course he is trying to help me.

I wished that he missed me, our home, our family, anything. I think he is having a great time, out every night with friends. For a while after the divorce, I was doing ok as I was getting my home together. But now with the holidays coming up its hurting more.

I know this was the right thing, (divorcing) as he has done some terrible things and acted like an A. Sorry for babbling. Not sure why I felt if I invited him that he would say I want this relationship back and miss me some how.,

It just stinks to be in love with an addict. Oh forgot to mention, that when he picked up my rx from the pharmacy. He asked if he could take 5 pain pills for his medical stash when he canoe/camps. I said sure, what ever..... the addict took 10. I never took 1 and I got 30. I can do the math even when I was on the hospitals meds...

This is the crap I am still dealing with, I guess I am lucky he asked and just didn't steal them. (why would I want someone like that back????) Why do I still love him???????

Eddiebuckle

Maia, I was on the other side of the fence during a breakup, interestingly enough right around the holidays. He may be out every night with friends, but you are looking at this from the eyes of someone who is not addicted. He CANNOT see it from the perspective of missing you, home, or family; he had to choose his alcohol/drugs or family/relationships. He chose alcohol/drugs - because he believes he cannot live without them. That is the insanity of addiction, it is not about you or love or how much fun he is having now. He needs his DOC like he needs oxygen, this is what it is like to live as an addict or alcoholic.

Please be gentle with yourself, but I agree with the others: no lasting good will come from inviting him over for the night. Until you can move forward, you will be imprisoned by your past.

Aellyce

Hi again

Well, no I don't, mostly because he's drinking the same way and now it's been ~5 years after our "formal" separation. I also moved a few states away at that time and started a quite different life, so technically, we pretty much drifted apart. Mentally, it was a very slow process and I think it would have been easier and faster had we not reconnected a few times after the separation. This is why my suggestions to you, to avoid that.

You know, I had another relationship in the meantime, with a non-addict, and I drank through it. So in that one, I think I was the selfish alcoholic with an endlessly supportive partner whom I loved but in a very different way from the person I'm talking about above; not only my mind was never really free from the previous guy but more than anything, alcohol came first and second and third before anything else for me. Ironically, we broke up quite soon after I got sober.

So I think Eddiebuckle nailed it, you can see the same in my stories. It's not about you and his love for you at all. His behavior is driven by his addiction, and that will come first no matter what as long as he's not getting sober and spend a good amount of time in recovery, learning to live differently. And your love for him will only be able to imprison you as well under these circumstances. Sadly, love does not seem to be powerful enough over addiction -- if you read posts around here, you will see the same story over and over again.

I think when we meet someone and fall in love, these feelings don't usually care much that the person is an addict. We often don't even know and then later on tend to deny the knowledge because we want to hold onto the feeling and the relationship even if it's unhealthy for us. I don't question or doubt the feeling of love for an addict, or by an addict. It's just that the substance and associated addictive behaviors generate a gap with an active user, a distance that no amount of loving kindness, passion, caring, whatever... can bridge effectively and stably.

So I also recommend that, if he happens to get sober and work on his recovery and lifestyle change, you don't take him back too soon. It takes time to really progress with all this and it requires hard and focused work, which by definition is always a little selfish. Many people in long-term recovery tend to suggest no new relationship at least during the first year of sobriety, and I think it's a fair enough suggestion although of course not a general rule. I'm now nearing that year, but I feel I'm still not the safest material for a close relationship with a healthy-minded person. I just started seeing someone new recently (someone emotionally so healthy and mature he really stands out of the crowd with this), and it's going well but I take it very slowly and I tell him all this. It's because now I have a much healthier sense of respect for the person I'm with and I'm sober... but I still recognize in myself often pretty intense bursts of obsessive tendencies. They kinda come and go periodically and don't usually last long, but the truth is, it's still quite easy to distract me if I let it. All this has gotten very significantly better since the beginning of my sobriety, but I still don't feel I'm safe in this regard, especially if I get too engaged with another person that also has addictive/obsessive tendencies. So better slow than sorry.

Hope this helped somewhat. Again, I think I get your pain... yes it sucks. But please put you and your true well-being first

maia1234

Thanks Eddie and Haennie for your help. I agree with what both of you are saying. I have spent enough time in open aa meetings and alanon meetings to know better. I do believe he loves me but as i told him when he wanted to cancel the divorce proceedings 2 days prior, that he loves all his addictions more then me. (alcohol, drugs, canoeing, and his friends)

Because of my surgery and him helping me out, I fall back into the needing him saga, and that I can't live without him. I never put it in the perspective of being imprisoned by my past. It's so sad, that I would give my right arm to have him get sober and work a program. But, its not going to happen today, so I do need to slowly move forward. One of my biggest fears is that he will get sober and I wont be around to enjoy the benefits of him being sober, I had to live with him all the shxtty addiction years.

I am very proud of myself that I did file for divorce and followed through (after many, many years of threats), I sold my home by owner, bought a townhouse by owner and moved with help of friends. One big thing I was worried about was getting my tv hooked up and working as my x use to do all that stuff, accomplished.

I will keep rereading your comments when I am down and to reiterate to me that I am on the right path!! Thanks again for your support and opening my eyes again on why we are not together in the first place!! Happy Holidays !!!

LexieCat

I'm predicting that will change, with your own recovery.

My second husband went back to drinking after almost dying of it. I was forced to choose between my own peace of mind and continuing to live with someone who seemed determined to drink himself to death.

Today, if I were to hear that he miraculously got sober, I'd wish him the best, say a prayer of thanks for his sobriety, but I wouldn't take him back. Too much water under that bridge, and I love my peaceful life I have built for myself.

LBrain

Not sure which A you mean, Agnostic or Atheist. I myself am an athiest. But I still celebrate christmas. I guess it's just a traditional thing - the american way.

I see no reason not invite an A for christmas.