Suckerpunched

Hi All,
Been around these boards for awhile now and for those of you that know me, you know that I have had a real struggle with getting and staying sober! I've started over so many times, only to miserably give in to the stupid thinking that I can have "just a few, this time" only to fail! Well, today I've made it all the way to 30 days sober in a row! I should be on a cloud, but, I'm not! Oh, Sure, the first two weeks of being sober I was, it was such a freeing experience to wake up with no hangover, guilt, remorse, wondering if my husband knew about me sneaking drinks, etc...But as time goes on it's really hitting me that this is not a temporary break for me, I can't drink, period and the happy, grateful feelings of being sober are fading!

I try to remind myself of how life was when I was drinking and that usually snaps me back into reality and I feel a temporary perk in gratefulness, but, lately, this past week to 10 days I've started waking up not feeling grateful, but rather with a chip on my shoulder. I have to talk myself into a good mood, remind myself to be grateful.

I feel like such a selfish person, I'm finally getting what I longed for, for so long, only to feel mean, resentful, hard to please and down right snappy!
My head and my heart tell me that I just can't be a person who can consume alcohol even though I was a "happy" drunk! Now I feel like I have to work at being happy and grateful so hard that it's taking all the fun out of being sober. In general, I'm a very happy, easy going person, what's going on with me?? Is this normal?

best

Congratulations on the 30 days

Wonderful. Way to go in collecting 30 x 24s

Sounds like it is normal to me.

Sober and faced with what to do now? Lets see at 3 my normal (old ways) was to be doing.... It is 3 and I have no idea what to do.
Sometimes just having so many choices before us, we don't know where to start or have a clue what to do.
Some ideas...
Read
Step work
What ever you want to do...
A sober life opens so so many doors.

Enjoy that life. Seek something for you.
I always wanted to.... but the drinking would get in the way.
Fill in the .... and as Nike says.... Do it

triegger

Heya Suckerpunched,

WTG on your 30 days. I hit mine Sunday so time wise we are in the same boat.

I agree with this completely. After I hit about day 5 I was on cloud nine, full of energy, sleeping good etc. It was a joy to get up everyday. After about two weeks, I kinda hit a slump. Life was happening and all things incumbent with it. Unfortunately, I had really lost lots of coping skills and at times I stuggled with wanting to excape into the bottle. Did not crave a drink, but sure as heck craved the escape.

I dont think your selfish at all. Sounds like what you are going through is perfectly normal. Many people here have talked about grieving the loss of alcohol after they quit. I think it is just part of the process and might be what you are going through now.

I was a "happy" drunk too, til the next day. Your head and your heart are right, we cant drink.

I think about this also, but I have a mantra that I say to myself repeatedly when I get to thinking to far ahead. I just keep saying "worry about today, stay sober today, and tomorrow will take care of itself". We take it one day at a time and pretty soon it will 3 months, 6 months, a year, but it happens one day at a time.

I dont think we should have to work at being happy or grateful and being sober is not always fun. However, sober is better than the alternative in my opinion. Sometimes were down, sometimes were up, and sometimes we just arent fit to be around. I dont see that as a function of being sober, just how life is. In my past I was guilty of trying to alter these moods with booze, boy that did not work. Now I just accept them as they come.

Hang in there SP, you are doing great and I am pulling along right beside you. Just remember, the past is gone, and the future is just a possibility, all we have is right now. Keep your eyes and heart open, little blessing are everywhere, and one of the greatest was us ending up here.

Know I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. You keep fighting the good fight.

Triegger

2dayzmuse

I agree whole heartedly. Sobriety may be a new experience for you, but I guarantee it's also a better one. If you were to drink, you will surely be disappointed in giving in to your cravings. Drinking solves nothing. I know you're well aware of this and are familiar with all of it's negative aspects. Be strong and find strength in others. Congratulations on 30 days and to 30 more!!!!

Take care,

Talia

Hgrokit

Hi, I am new here, but not to sobriety. What you are feeling is self-pity and selfishness. Get over it, if you are "willing to go to any length", you will get over it. To answer your question however, yes it is normal but optional.

Alcohol was not your friend, never was. I have never seen a positive come out of a negative and that's what that **** is, is a negative product.

My questions to you would be: Do you have a sponsor? Do you go to meetings? Are you involved in service work? This is summer and there are all types of things going on in recovery; cookouts, campouts, dances, are you participating in those?

Anyway, in my first paragraph I used two words containing the word "self". There is allot to be said about "self" in the big book, most noteworthy, "we were convinced that most of our problems were as a result of "self"" or something to that effect. Find something to do to get out of "self". Go help someone without them asking - volunteer to help out in the hall or your group. It will help. Once you begin doing some of these things, some of the 9th Step promises will begin to come true - and one of them will be the slipping away of self seeking

Hang in there - if you work it, things will get better, but only you can do so.

Jackie36

I went into inpatient treatment, they suggested I start seeing a therapist. So after I got out, just around 30 days, I was telling him how angry I was, and how negative I was. After I babbled for awhile, he just looked at me and said I was angry that I was an alkie, and that I was not "normal" and could NOT drink! Coming from someone elses mouth, those words slammed me. He was dead on. He said when people quit drinking they almost go into a mourning type stage just as someone would with death.

Made so much sense to me, and I felt so much lighter walking out of there. There was a reason for my anger, I was not crazy! lol

Dan

A bit of a shocker eh
When I removed alcohol and other drugs from the equation, I was left looking at a man confused. I wondered where the hell I was supposed to go with this new sober self. How do I find humor in life if I'm not loaded all the time? How am I going to get through the next real intense life situation without freaking out emotionaly without being high?
We call the AA program a simple program.
But it's not easy. And it was never meant to be.
What's easy is to load up in order to deal with life.
The real challenge is to learn to draw on one's inner strength to deal with everyday challenges, and to learn to accept the rewards of a life sober.
Is it normal to struggle at first you ask? Big time normal.
Does it get easier? I promise it does.
Well done on 30 days my dear.

Cap3

Do you go to AA?If so,im not sure after reading your post,that you have,completely, accepted step one.We admited we were powerless over alcohol--that our lives had become unmanageable.Being a happy drunk,..says to me,that drinking still looks good,sometimes,.Im telling myself,well i wasnt ---that---bad of a drunk.Forgetting that this is a progressive desease.,and that i can add...yet,,to what ive just told myself.When drinking i was out of control,i could not tell you how id be,if happy,or abusive.I began as a happy drunk.But in time i sure wasnt.Alcohol,turned against me..Its progressive..desease..Couldnt live with it.Couldnt live without it.Selfishness-self -centredness.that we think is the --root--of our troubles.So our troubles we think are of our own making.Page 62 Big Book.there is a great program AA and in this program are the tools that help me to live sober,relatively,happy in this ole world...smile..Read the Big book.Get a sponsor.Go to meetings.Trust God.and help another.Congrats on 30 days.!!!!!!!!!...One Day At A time..!!!!!!!!

MootPoint

Hi SP...

hgrokit asked my questions for me...
They are really helpful. But you have to accept that you are powerless over alcohol first.

I'm bass ackwards in things, including my first month. Removing alcohol left a shell of a person who lay in bed and prayed for death for a month. Literally. I met my depression head on for the first time in years. I didn't have the Pink Cloud. I just wanted to die. I sat in my AA meetings in the back, and passed whenever I was called on.

But the meetings sunk in. It took a month, right about a month, for me to start to pick up. I started working the steps and got a sponsor right from the front. And I USED my sponsor.

I have rambled on....... the main point (the origional point) was that if I can do it, so can you. Sobriety does get easier with time.

SP, please keep posting!

Peter

Congrats on your 30 days.

Perhaps it might be possible that all those negative emotions you are feeling now: selfish, mean, snappy, ungrateful were always with you.The difference was that you were using alcohol to mask those feelings.

Being sober means we have to face up to our feelings and experience them for what they are and identifying what is causing us to feel this way.

squirrelly77

I have to agree with Peter...dealing with your emotions as they come naturally isn't a very pleasant thing sometimes, and when the numbing effects of whatever we used to cover them up is removed---where are we to go?
You shouldn't feel guilty about how you're reacting to this. I know that it isn't easy, but like someone else suggested--you really need to sit down, think about, experience and perhaps search your soul as to the reason why you're feeling so down. It could just be the "mourning" period and your body adjusting to the emotional and physical loss of something it became so accustomed to. Or, it could be something not related to alcohol at all...something going on in your life that you should further examine.
I've said before that I truly believe that we have the answers to all our questions. It just takes time, patience and a quiet mind to hear them out.

Oh yeah...congrats on 30 days!!!

Danielle

madmag

Congrats on the 30 days. There will be angry days, and there will be great days. I have been sober 18 months and still dealing with bad days. But looking back, my worst day sober is 100% better than any day drunk or hungover!!

Congrats again. You can do this.

HarryH

Suckerpunched<<<<<<<<Suckerpunched<<<<<<<<Can I suggest you change this name to something more positive. One thing I learned early in my sobriety was to start thinking positive and get rid of the negative. Another thing I learned was that I had to change two major things in my life; a) My Attitude and b) My Behavior. Changes, I had to start changing the person I came into, the fellowship of AA, with or that same person would go back out. If nothing changes, then nothing changes. And to reiterate what others are asking. Are you going to meetings, do you have a sponsor, are you getting involved with a home group and the most important of all; ARE YOU ASKING A POWER GREATER THAN YOURSELF FOR HELP?
Can I suggest you change this name to something more positive. One thing I learned early in my sobriety was to start thinking positive and get rid of the negative. Another thing I learned was that I had to change two major things in my life; a) My Attitude and b) My Behavior. Changes, I had to start changing the person I came into, the fellowship of AA, with or that same person would go back out. If nothing changes, then nothing changes. And to reiterate what others are asking. Are you going to meetings, do you have a sponsor, are you getting involved with a home group and the most important of all; ARE YOU ASKING A POWER GREATER THAN YOURSELF FOR HELP?

I had to get honest with myself and my disease. Honesty, openmindness and willingness are three things that I had to grasp.

Things do get better, but they didn't start getting better until I started making changes, and then I found out that the things that get better are within me.

Go to meetings, meeting makers make it. Get a sponsor, and use him, ask for help, join a group, get phone numbers, and use them and most of all keep coming. And remember "JUST DON'T DRINK." I'll guarantee you one thing, you don't pick up a drink, you will go to sleep sober.

We want you, we need you and we love you.

God bless.

Harry

Chy

I echo all of the above SP and want you to know, your growing up all over from the day you quit, this is when your life really began, not all those years of drinking that truly striped you of who you really are. You bet sobriety is a new experiance, with new feelings, emotions, behaviors, uncertainties. But you hang in there K? It will get better!

Rowan

Hi SP
I'm Rowan, alcoholic. Way to go on 30 days!

I've gone through anger, self pity, depression, bewilderment, pain, etc in sobriety. Once I acknowledged those feelings the guilt and shame made me feel even worse! And I thought, this sobriety crap sucks!!!!

How wrong I was. As much as I initially fought what I heard and was taught, I did as I was asked and got a sponsor, used her, went to lots of meetings (still do), and joined a home group. I felt there wasn't anything I could do as a newcomer, and yet I wanted to help someone. I really felt and feel strongly about helping another. So I did what I could, and that was to help set up and tear down meetings, greet at the door, and to drive people to and from meetings. It's a wonderful feeling to help someone else.

Those emotions, some of them, still surface. Sometimes frequently, sometimes not. But I can deal with them today without drinking. I have found a solution. WE have found a solution.

All of us here can identify with at least something that you have shared. You are no longer alone. Accept that you are powerless over alcohol, and then practice some gratitude for all the terrific things you have in your life. I believe that we attract into our lives what we put out. Why not act grateful? Smile. Do something, anything, that will get you out of yourself. It's quite normal for us to be self-centred, and I feel it's up to us to be honest with one another when we see it in them. It invites change, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.

Before bed tonight why don't you start a journal. Write down a gratitude list. Write down every single thing you are grateful for. Keep writing. And thank God for another day of sobriety. I'm so glad you're here. Please keep coming back.

God Bless
Love Rowan

brainwarp

for me this was normal. in fact mine started at 4 months sobriety. so ticked at my dh that i wondered why i had to put up with his mood swings but he couldnt put up with my drinking. well at least he wasnt killing himself with mood swings. hang in there. go to meetings and read read read read everything you can get your grubs on about our disease. itll help alot. and this time will pass. congrats on all the time you do have. Just think how much of a bummer it would be to crash that!

Ninerfan

Yes the anger is normal. It was for me. I was angry for a very long time and then I wasn't. One day I just realized that I had lightened up and things were pretty good all things considered. AA helped me alot. I could not have overcome my liabilities without it. If you are not in AA I suggest you check it out. Churches can help too. But dont stay in that angry place all by yourself because if you do you will probably drink. Congrats on the 30 days...and congrats on remembering what it is like out there. That will help you stay sober.

Suckerpunched

Thank you ALL for your posts! It's been one heck of a ride this past week, full of ups and downs, awakenings, disappointments and alas, acceptance. Mulling around in the pity party that I was having for myself, it led to a huge blowout with my H. I felt the lowest I have felt in, well, I can't remember the last time I felt so awful, in the past I would numb the feelings with alcohol. This time, I had to deal with all the "yuck" feelings sober!

The argument started out typical, on each others nerves, knit picking, etc... but as the argument went on, the angrier I got. Once I got going, there was no stopping me. I was like a volcano erupting! Bitterness, anger, resentment, I had it all and it was flowing like lava! Looking back, I now know I wasn't really angry with my H, I was angry with myself. Angry at how out of control I allowed my drinking to get, how it controlled me instead of me controlling it. Realizing for the first time the severity of damage I caused to our relationship by all the lying, sneaking, guzzling, passouts, blackouts, it just goes on, you all know the drill. It really hurt realizing I can never undo the damage, it was time to own and accept it.

After an emotional time I would always grab a beer or a glass of wine to unwind. Well, that set the anger and resentful feelings off again, like a rocket into orbit. Wow, was I pi&#ed!!!! Not only was I angry at what I had done to our relationship, I was really angry that I couldn't escape the reality of my situation by drowning the feelings with a 12 pack! Then I did get mad, I was the ugliest person you'd ever have the misfortune of knowing! I stewed and I brewed for 2 days wallowing in self-pity! Mad at life, mad at myself, mad at my H for inhibiting me from drinking for fear of future damage to our relationship, etc...

That's when it hit me, all this time I thought I quit drinking for me, sure, part of me did but I think the bigger part stopped for my H, which explains the resentment I feel/felt towards him and life. I know that I am powerless over alcohol but I never truly accepted it, not until this past weekend when the tough got going and I knew without a shadow of a doubt I absolutely could not drink to fade my problems away! That's what I was really pi&#ed about, it wasn't anything my H did, my kid did, I'm pi#&ed that I can't drink!

There, I said it, and I keep saying it, I CAN'T DRINK, I'M POWERLESS OVER ALCOHOL! Does it make me mad? It sure did this past weekend but now that I've faced it and accepted it, the anger is slipping away and a peacefullness is seeping in.

Layers, we talk about layers in my AA meetings, didn't think I really had any! WRONG! I thank my HP for helping me cope and face this HUGE hurtle! I think I'm finally on my way!

Thanks for listening! K (AKA Suckerpunched)

Rowan

So glad the anger is abating and that you have allowed peace to take it's place.
Things will get better. Have faith. Keep coming back we need you here.
God Bless
Love Rowan

Dan

Just bloody great post K!
The process at work... Awesome.
Name it, claim it and deal with it.
Well done.