Actually i was quite sober.

Woke up after the most restful sleep i had in about a month. Well it was restful for the body but my mind was super wound up when i went to bed and was even worse when i woke. As i lay there the pressure built up until i was fairly weeping. It didn't get any better as i got online and got here and as soon as i tried answering Jennies post i had worst breakdown in years. Took a long time to recover enough to carry on and go to work. Basically i wore a mask and presented the usual self at work. Thankfully i was busy enough to distract myself on those times when i felt stressed or bothered.

All alone now. Perhaps five or six of us up here now at the moment. I'm the last in my dorm. Pretty lonely but at least it's quiet and peaceful. Just have to clean my room and pack up my gear as i'm completely done at work. Have made a list of things i need to do for personal change and the physical is first up as i mentioned before. In conjunction with the physical i'm looking for any kind of real mental assistance. Am also planning on a rather punishing workout routine combined with a proper strict diet as well as lots of supplements and yes even brief steroid cycles under experienced supervision. That's the plan at least.

oh, i found something new to me, Mindfulness-based cognitive therapy. Still researching it but it does seem promising.

I apologize to everyone here for the last post. I felt like i was dying and had those thoughts exploding out of my mind. It was a wretchedly painful experience and i fully understand now exactly what the edge feels like. I've had many want to die moments before but in that episode i wanted the pain to stop but it didn't and so had to feel the sheer agony until it wore down.

Not to mentioned i also feel rather embarrassed now too.

Glad to hear that you are feeling better. I hope your move and new surroundings will allow you to seek help and find a better place both physically and mentally.

Nothing to apologize for, Carbonized. We've all had our own moments of sheer despair in our lives. You know, nothing I've read in your thread comes across as you not being able enough to get yourself some help and from there get yourself together.

Just want you to know from me you already have what it takes to get this done and get yourself to a better place. Its okay to receive therapy on any of this. In fact, its a smart move, imo.

No worries, man.

Good to hear you had a good sleep. Good to know you have a plan and are taking positive actions for yourself. :)

No need for any apologies... it's good to vent. I do hope you can find a mental health professional soon to help you deal with things. At least, that would provide you some sense of stability in the form of a supportive, listening ear.

Glad you are better today.

This really does not surprise me. My brother, not an alcoholic, gets trashed with his guy friends a few times a year. It's always on some occasions like New Year's Eve, camping, or a bachelor party. They drink and get into all sorts of shenanigans like arm wrestling, karate chopping contests and other goofy guy stuff. Maybe it's not the healthiest behavior but he really only does it a few times a year. And he will go months without drinking.

When he drinks at like a dinner or something, He will stop at two. And I wouldn't even say he. "Stops" at two, he just has two.

Alcoholism is a whole different beast than partying every now and then.