I am going back on the wagon
 

Hello. I am not a stranger to this forum. I have yet again decided to try and stop the madness caused by my drinking. I am not sure how long it will last, but at least I am trying again.
I woke up this morning and was shaking a bit and dry heaving, horrible diarrhea, etc. Ive been drinking on an empty stomach for a few days now straight, from when I get up to when I fall down. I finally got my doctor to perscribe me a benzodiazepine in which I am also addicted to, however it helps me to get sobered up. I will have to stop taking it soon. I have been taking it for 6 years now and my mind will go into complete chaos, panic, and shutdown when I run out of them abruptly, which leads me back to drinking again, full circle. It literally is a living hell. However, I do not wish to give up. This has to be the 50th time ive told myself that I am done with the drink with some sincerity, but it never seems to last. I am living with my parents now and have been for a year and a half, and I am in my mid 30s now and I relized today how old and frail they are becoming. It sickens me to look at myself in the mirror as pathetic I have become. I am married to a good woman who is living with us also, but I wonder for how much longer. I cant hold down a job anymore, in debt up to the ceiling, have no car now and wont have a license and possibly my freedom for much longer either. One fine mess I have created here. However, I just cannot give up fighting to attempt to live a genuine life that has a purpose and not be such a burden to all of the ones around me. Anyhow, this is day 1, again - 11/22/14

I think you could use a more comprehensive plan for withdrawal, which includes both alcohol and benzos. This might require some painful honesty with your physician but better that than the endless cycle you are now in.

I would also suggest some other regular support group, program or method that others have used successfully, in order to improve your chances of success in the long term.

All the best to you.

Welcome back Tes - I hope you can make this your turning point :)

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I would get help with it-going to someone to ask for help was the most humiliating thing I've ever done(sober at least!) but the best. Keep going!

Thanks. I need to get in touch with the treatment center I was in and let them help me get off of the klonopin. The case worker there told me that they would and it would be no cost. However, they are so booked up with appts that it takes months to see the dr there. Ive burnt so many bridges that I am not sure who I can talk to about it anymore, or what would actually work to get me off of them that is non narcotic. I have paxil, which I never take, as it makes me feel like a zombie. I do have a severe anxiety disorder that needs to be addressed, but it cannot involve addicting highly controlled meds though.

don't ever give up tes. there is nothing better you can do for yourself. it may take some time to see the benefits and experience the feelings of removing yourself from the alcohol and pills, but it is sooooo worth it.

have you tried AA? there is so much strength, hope and courage there.

Wishing you well, Tes.

Good luck. I am at almost to a month now. I have been tempted each weekend but I just tell myself I don't want to go back to being full of toxic metals and junk from alcohol and suffer for 4 days from a couple nights of so called fun.

So I don't drink whether I am smiling or not. I can honestly feel my body detoxing in cycles and i don't want to disrupt it anymore.

Find a reason to quit and cling onto it.

From my experience, detoxing does come in cycles also. 1st there is the physical wd which is horrible, but it does not end there. After that there is the mental wd to deal with, which is hard and lasts for an extended period. I can usually get past the physical, but the mental is where I break. Even after nearly a month of being sober it is still there. Unless I have some kind of crutch to get me though it all then that impulse to drink will always return and I feel depressed and all of the time and cant think straight. Compared to others, I suppose I am weak minded and willed. I do not like to feel real emotion, as I have been numbed from it for so long that it puts much fear and sadness into me that I just cant handle most of the time. I don't know if antidepressants can help this or not, maybe I just have not found the right one yet or will not fully give the paxil a chance to do its work correctly, at least until I am able to get past it a lot of it. Anyway, Thanks for the replies. I am considering the AA approach again but I will need to deal with these defects of character 1st I believe.

I think it would be a good idea to go with AA right now. As you know, you have much to deal with in the future. Make a commitment, get connected, and stay there.

Hi Tes nice to meet you

I hope you are successful this time. :)

Thanks, least. I am going to "ween" myself off of the klonopin. My dr gave me a 30 day supply of 2mg. I took the full 2 last night as I was not in good shape, just took 1mg and will continue to take it at 1mg for a couple weeks or so until I feel like I can go down to .5, then .25 and see how that works getting off of those. They are helping me considerably with the alcohol wd, but I also have to battle with getting off of those. I will also start taking the paxil 10mg starter dose tomorrow and see how it will work at the same time. I never had much of a problem stopping those except for those weird zaps that go down my body, but I can handle that If I ever need to stop them. I am not saying this is the approach for anyone else, but this is what I think might work to kick both the booze and the benzos. As I have said I am considering AA, but I feel embarrassed to go in there after all of the times that I have come and gone.

Go back. They'll just be glad you're there. :)

I see you joined here in 2007 and you are averaging about 5 posts a year. And you're not sure you want to go to AA yet.

So what is your plan? It's hard to get sober by yourself.

Don't look at it as "on the wagon" because if you get back in you might just fall again. Look at it instead as a complete lifestyle change for the best and proceeds from there and like Least said, don't be embarrassed to get back to AA. The people there will be glad to see you and will do their best to help.

I just don't post much, but I visit occasionally and read other ppls posts and struggles. I have been to AA a lot of times. I will probably start going back next week depending on what the holiday brings. Getting sober I can usually do (with the help of medication), its just staying sober that is the problem. I am starting to feel better now physically. I havent had a drink since Friday afternoon (21st). I am doing what I said, taking 1mg of the klonopin (taking half of 2mg) when I wake up and so far it seems to be taking a lot of the edge off.. No big cravings, I am able to eat and sleep a little better now. Checking my blood pressure and taking my bp meds as directed. I started the starter dose of paxil last night. However, I havent had anything to stress me out or make me overly anxious over the past couple of days, which has always been a big trigger for me to crave alcohol. So far, so good though. I just hope that I can finally free myself off of the benzos aswell as the alcohol.

I'm on day 1 too, let's try this together. I've made a fine mess too, we all have, otherwise we wouldn't be here

This is true :)

Keep trying tes, were here for ya!

Congrats on day 1. We are fortunate to be able to say that! I can relate entirely to your post. I was prescribed xanax, klonopin for 3 years and became addicted. I quit taking them for 2 months and then started a little and have been without them for a week now and have been drinking to replace this anxiety! It is horrible!! don't want to be in public because I will look like a spaz.. It is definitely a struggle, but they aren't worth taking anymore. I only started taking them again for about a week and I am in hell again. I quit drinking for 4 months and felt so good! Why did I go back down this path again? I don't understand it. Anways, enough about me. I am glad that you have recognized the problems and are working on changing. A lot of people don't recognize the problem until it is too late. With god's strength WE will get through this!

I understand the part about not wanting to go out in public without them. For me it is hard to do anything without them. The only way I think to get off of them is to ween off over a period of 1+ months. I am doing that now and trying to replace them with paxil. It may not be that warm blanket that I am looking for like klonopin is, but it might help to where I do not freak out consistently once they are gone. Part of me does not what to quit taking them, but the legal system is telling me otherwise even though I am legally taking them so I don't have much of a choice but to quit. Also I hate being a slave to this pill and being held at the mercy of doctors that prescribe them. It is a living hell to stop them, but many people do not understand just how difficult it is after one has taken them for a long time.

Im still sober from alcohol, and have no cravings or thoughts, however. :).

I do know that drinking to replace them only makes the anxiety worse and will lead to more and more drinking, but the anxiety/fear can be unbareable and alcohol does make it go away for a short period of time.. but at what a terrible cost.

Hang in there. Im sorry to hear about losing the 4 months of sobriety. Look up benzo withdrawl and see what other people have gone though trying to get off of those things what they had to do. Please dont let the alcohol take control!

As long as we keep trying, we are never a failure. We're all rooting for you!

Definitely reach out to people again - maybe it is a case of finding the programme that works for you. I tried AA and struggled, but I still have a few contacts from my rehab stay in January - a lot of whom swear by it and say they couldn't have stayed sober without. The important thing is not to stop talking to people if you feel you are struggling. Even on the days you feel relatively ok - just a simple text message or phone call can make all the difference. It is also a lovely feeling to receive one out of the blue after a few months, asking how you are doing and wishing you well (this happened to me with someone who remembered me from AA) - it's a reminder that you are not alone.

Also, don't be embarrassed about being completely honest with your doctor. They are likely to admire you for that - there is no reason the experience should be humiliating, but we often beat ourselves up unnecessarily. There are so many alcoholics still out there living in denial. By asking for help, you are already showing a great strength of character.

So glad you are also reaching out to us here, as well.

All the best :).

I just had a thought about getting some beer at 7, it is starting to turn into a craving. I was sitting here, looking on the job boards and thinking about where I stand right now. I suppose there could be a sense of hopelessness and depression setting in. The jobs I am looking for are at least 20 miles away. Given that I have no car now and am about to lose my drivers license for a long time, and no one will drive me back and forth that far everyday, it is getting very frustrating. It is almost bringing me to tears. I had a pretty nice job for 5+ years across town, made some pretty decent money, and was looked up to by most of my peers. I moved there because I couldn't stand the commute anymore. Got let go because of restructuring, couldn't hold on and had to move back here "temporarily" where there isn't that much that I can find. I have everyone screaming at me to get a job. I guess I can always go to a somewhat nearby temp service or something, but even then I am not sure how I would get back and forth everyday reliably.

I suppose I need to work on my sobriety instead of stressing about landing a halfway decent job at this very moment. If I start drinking again then I wont be thinking about anything except getting that next drink, which will lead to to absolutely nowhere.. except for more problems.

Sorry for the rant.