OklaBH

so I am sure you remember the incident between my husband and me...well...
I texted my sister about Christmas and was texted back ”in light of you and **** situation we decided to do our own thing from now on. Sorry it has come to this”

I don’t even know how to respond. I am so upset right now. It isn’t like I would have considered bringing my husband to Christmas…considering what happened between us. Should I respond to her text? Since the day he broke my nose I have not received 1 phone call from anyone in my family. Now I hear I am too dysfunctional to have Christmas with.

gracetuesday

Gosh, I wish I had something clever to respond with, but I don"t....... all I can say is hang in there for the next few days; and see what you come up with to respond.

luvmygirls

I just read your other post, and I'm honestly shocked. Is your sister afraid that your husband would show up and cause a violent scene? That is the only thing I could possibly imagine. I really hope that you have supportive family members to share the holidays with. I'm so sorry.

ImperfectlyMe

Wow... If ever you needed your sister it's now. No I wouldn't text her back I'd call her.

You need family right now, I have no idea and can't speculate as to why she wouldn't want you there. Maybe they are trying tough love, I don't know but you should ask her.

suki44883

It sounds like boundaries, to me. Everyone in any way connected with an addict should have boundaries. While it may not seem fair, it sounds like your sister has set the boundary that if you take your husband back after this last beating, she would not be around you. Just a guess, but it sounds like boundaries to me.

gaffo

Wow. What a terrible thing. I am very sorry that your sister isn't there for you now. Her response to your situation sounds just horrible. I hope that she changes her mind and gives you the love that you need. Jeez! Way to drop the ball, sis! And in a a text!! I think Grace is probably right that you should give this a couple of days before you respond to this travesty. Good luck.

OklaBH

i'm not sure it deserves a response. she never called to see what happened or to see if my son or I was ok. She even said not to buy gifts for her kids since we wont be spending any of the holiday season together. She said "it would be in bad taste to accept any gifts" Not even 1 phone call. It sounds bad...and I am very very upset right now...but I have no fight left in me. I really don't think I could handle texting her back and then the response I would get.

zjw

I set boundaries like this once with a step sister and her family. I had to tell my father i would not eat at the holiday meal if they where to be at that same table. I got a lot of hell for this. It honestly damaged my relationship with my father and his wife in the end. In the end i was right too she never did change her ways and walked out on her family and just as i had stated was not worth eating a meal with.

I dont know your entire situation. Seeing as how this is your sister I dunno that I agree with her. I'm for example way more tolerant of things my blood relatives put me through etc.. IN my case it was a step sister whom i didnt grow up with or anything and have 0 special bond with.

It did however cause some problems in my relationships with my father and his wife what i did. ALl i did was stand my ground.

I dunno if i was right or not maybe I shoulda been more tolerant it was only 1 holiday meal it would nto have killed me i suppose. At the same time I wish my father and his wife could put it behind them but I think it was also tough for them when I was right in the end tho i never rubbed there nose in it and never would.

I guess my point to you is regardless of whos right or wrong or how you feel just be careful this is still your sister and I'd hate to see you have a damaged relationship over it like in my case.

I wish i had a better answer its not easy.

Soberwolf

Your husband broke your nose and you stayed with him ?

OklaBH

I haven't made any decisions. We are both alcoholics. Both in counceling and staying away from each other. Because I'm not doing what people think u should do I'm pretty alienated. I won't drink over it though.

Soberwolf

Sorry okla im just trying to understand im not telling you to do anything

how are you now ?

OklaBH

Don't be sorry. I'm not upset with you! I will be ok. I'm very sad. It's christmas. Who does that? Why is it empowering for some to kick people when they are down?

OklaBH

I'm not upset with you at all. I'm sad. Why kick someone who is down?

LexieCat

I'm sorry for the estrangement, but it sort of sounds to me, too, as if it's just too difficult for them to face the prospect of more chaos--especially around the holidays.

A fairly safe response is something very neutral along the lines of, "I'm sorry you feel that way, I'll miss you."

This way you don't burn any bridges. I know you're hurt but it sounds like you love your sister. She probably loves you, too, however she feels about what happened before.

I've seen all kinds of messed-up family relationships heal when one of the parties gets into recovery. Give it some time. Meanwhile, plan something special for yourself for the holidays.

Hugs,

OklaBH

Yes I do and my nephew and my neice I haven't seen yet (they live in another state) it is what it is. I didn't reply. I'm to hurt to keep it going

Rina

I'm sorry you are hurting and your sister is responding to you this way. I sounds like she is trying to separate her family from your current situation which is hurtful to you. My sister has done the same thing to me as of late. I got a DUI a few months ago and she stopped talking to me. She has made it clear she loves me but she wants nothing to do with my current situation whether I am sober or not. I understand that she is shielding herself from the drama but it still really hurts. I feel like I am at my lowest and I need my sis to be there for me but I have to work on me and respect her boundaries. I hope you feel better.

LexieCat

Not replying at all is perfectly OK. Don't let it derail you--chances are that the relationship will eventually be healed.

But seriously, do start thinking about what you can do to make this holiday special, anyway. It will be much better for you than feeling sad or nursing a resentment--that's how we get drunk. Sometimes doing something for those less fortunate can be good for getting out of a funk. Christmas is still a few weeks away. See what you can come up with.

OklaBH

That is awful! What is wrong with people? I saw you've been sober since may? That's huge and she doesn't see it. I'm really sorry rina

OklaBH

I will have christmas with my sons. My oldest is coming in from the Air Force, middle from college and my youngest is still home. We will have a great holiday and I'm excited. In time hopefully my sister wants to be a part of it

tomsteve

Look at if from the loved ones side:
Where are the loved ones supposed to draw the line? Should they just keep putting up with our insane behavior and not be concerned with their own mental and emotional well being? Should they just be doormats for all of our crap?
Should they allow their families to be in jeopardy of god only knows what may happen? Should they just forgive and forget all of the past crap we caused?
Would you put up with it?

Today I can see just why so many people walked away from me, stopped letting me be around, and didn't trust me. I don't blame them one bit for the choices they made.

And I know why it took T.I.M.E. to earn trust back. And it wasn't in my time.