sobersovereign

I don't know if this is a recovery thing or an ACOA thing (I am working both paths, so I have many options to choose from!) But I am beginning to realize how much I used alcohol in the past to numb the profound discomfort of spending time -- any time -- with another human being. I am into my second year of recovery and I feel physically and energetically like more of a fortress in my personal relationships than ever.

Physical intimacy feels almost oppressive. I easily reach a point of feeling totally panicked and smothered by what I don't think most "normal" people would perceive as excessive attention. My tolerance for togetherness is almost zero. I feel intensely, intensely protective of my body, my time, my attention, my general bubble. I racked up my fair share of sexual trauma with abusive and opportunistic men during my drinking years and I am sure that is part of it -- but now I've swung to the opposite extreme, and my defenses are on permanent high alert, and making out with someone practically gives me a panic attack and I need a week of alone time to restore equilibrium.

If anyone has any experience, wisdom or resources on this, I would love to hear about it. These fears are driving away some really wonderful people in my life and seem to get only more intense the longer I am sober and the clearer my mind.

OklaBH

Nothing wrong with being cautious. I've been taken advantage of quite a few times. I'm extremely apprehensive about new people. Take care of you!

buyingisbad

I think you need to find a friend first and take it from there. Back when we was drunk you could look at someone attractive and next thing you are making out.

But sober I would try to have him or her as a friend first and have things in common. Just being around that person is fun and the added bonus of intimacy is just the surface of a deeper meaningful friendship.

sobersovereign

Just for context -- the guy I am trying to have an intimate relationship with is someone I've been friends with for a long time and dating for six months now. He is very understanding and not in the slightest bit pushy about it, and it is not possible for us to have moved any slower, but I don't seem to be progressing, and in fact have been pushing him away more and more.

Soberwolf

I 2nd this

And congrat with 2+ years of sobriety

buyingisbad

I don't mean to be suggesting what you feel or don't feel as I wouldn't know, but maybe you're not into him that much.

It might not be about sobriety.

NoJimmy

At times I feel awkward too. I'm still getting used to being "connected" with my thoughts, feelings and emotions 24/7. I think the best any of us can do is to be honest with ourselves, and with our mates. If you need more space, than you need more space, he can then decide if it's not enough for him. I doubt you will be comfortable for long if you try to give more than you really have. He will likely catch the vibe of that sooner than later anyway. Be true to yourself and your true path will be revealed

Aellyce

Hi, my personal experience with this so far (~9.5 months sober) has been very positive. But it's brand new. This is a guy I met over 3 months ago, accidentally, while out and about in the city. I think there was instant attraction but we did not even hang out much during those 3 months, only briefly, mostly "talked" a lot via email. But these email discussions were becoming more and more comfortable and pleasant over time, I had very good feelings about him and our potential compatibility. So decided to give a more intimate connection a go just recently... so far it's been wonderful. I think one reason why it works well is because it's a very different type of attraction than the ones I most typically experience. Free of projections and complicated desires, it's simply just the person and his attributes as a human being, and our communication has been great so far.

I've never had the kind of abuse and discomforts you are describing, and am not an ACOA so probably your difficulties are at least in part related to unresolved issues... Another (but related) thing I can imagine... do you feel that this man reminds you of your old negative experiences, traumas, insecurities etc in any way? If so, that might be part of it. If not and he is a good partner, maybe just give it time and communicate with him about your feelings. I think if he really cares about you and wants to be with you, will try to help and work through these things with you. If it's not the case, I would not stay in it long.

I also need quite a significant amount of space and alone time, btw. Definitely would not enjoy someone smothering, intrusive, never liked that.

Congrats on your sobriety

soberclover

Part of my recovery has been about learning to understand what my intuition is telling me. Maybe you just aren't ready yet for this type of relationship in your recovery.

CodeJob

Hello Sovereign,

My RAH has not been capable of really restarting our emotional and physical intimacy in our marriage. He is 17 mo sober. He is ACOA. I wouldn't be surprised if he has abuse he has buried in his history too.

Personally, as a partner of someone so emotionally shut off, I think a counselor to work on these issues In a focused way would really help unblock and deal with it. Unpack the memories, work through things, see what small things trigger you keeping 'shields up', and delve into the pros and cons to slowly dismantle this emotional wall. Do it for you.

Of course I can't make my RAH do such a thing, but if he were to take such a bold step, my heart would really jump for joy. Recovery is truly two pronged and there is a spiritual side to it. I wish you well emotionally reconnecting.

Gottalife

I was thirteenth stepped into my first sober relationship at just a few weeks sober. It was insane. It lasted a couple of months before I was chucked out and replaced by a newer member. I was a willing victim, I did not drink over it though if I had not been working the program I probably would have. I learned many lessons about my character, forgiveness, amends, etc, so the cloud had a silver lining.

luvmygirls

This post has given me some food for thought. I'm the child of two alcoholics, as well as an alcoholic myself. I've been with my husband for almost 16 years, and I've always struggled with intimacy. Now that I'm sober, I struggle even more because I don't have the buffer of alcohol to numb my fears and discomfort.

newhope01

I am coping with the same issues as well right now josharon. I am also a child of two substance abusers as well as an alcoholic myself.

I too, like the OP, have suffered some sexual abuse prior to and as a result of my substance abuse.

I remember distinctively using alcohol to numb myself before intimacy with my partner, my now husband. One of my fears when I decided to give up the booze was, is he going to leave me now because I can't be intimate anymore? I've lost that buffer and the thought of sexual intimacy makes we want to cry.

Dont get me wrong, I love my husband.. I am just not comfortable with that level of intimacy yet.

To make matters worse, I know it would be wise to seek therapy over this but the mere thought of talking about my sexuality is a huge issue. One day at a time, Right?

sobersovereign

Thank you all -- I really appreciate everyone's thoughts about this.

bigsombrero

I've been sober a couple years and only recently felt comfortable enough to be intimate with someone. I've always felt smothered in relationships though, alcohol never really helped that part of me. Anyway, even now that I'm in a healthy relationship that totally suits me, part of me is still thinking of a way out.

It's a complicated web, most certainly! You're not alone. In my case, whether I'm single or in a relationship, there are going to be some feelings of loneliness and crowding, respectively! It's good to hear you are digesting this with a sober mind, you might actually get somewhere this go-round! Let me know if you figure anything out

360shoes

I maybe odd but I'm sort of someone who doesn't need to have a tremendous amount of intimacy in my life. I had a pretty normal childhood and really no traumatic events...other than I drank way way too much...which explains why I'm on here.

Anyway, I guess I'm just trying to say that other than the drinking, I was somewhat normal whatever that means, yet, I just don't need intimacy with another human being all the time. And definitely I mean all the time. I love my alone time, that's when I get grounded and centered. I have always been like that. Just the way I am I guess. I'm okay with it. Probably lucky I figured it out early so as not to confuse someone who came into my life when I was younger and I hadn't figured it out yet.

Don't get me wrong. I do enjoy people's company....sometimes. I find great satisfaction in deep conversations. I look forward to getting to know some people better and on a deeper level. I just don't need to do it and I don't need to do it often. I do it when it feels right. And for me, it doesn't feel right 24 hours a day 7 days a week. Not even remotely close.

One thing I love about getting older is I get to define what my relationships are. I get to make up my own rules. Not society, not another person. Just me. I decide what makes me happy. Other than following a few values of being honest with someone in my life and being considerate of their feelings, I seem to find people who the way I am works for them too.

Don't be to hard on yourself. It takes awhile for us all to really get to know ourselves and who we really are underneath it all. Especially if we drank. My drinking years were definitely a waste of time on me getting to know the real me. Now that I don't drink I not only got to know the real me but actually really like her. As I speak in 3rd person. Sorry about that.

I got nothing profound. I just thought what you shared was very interesting and not all that uncommon. I hope you find your comfort zone in your relationships. You deserve to have them.

Ptcapote

Thanks for this post sobersovereign! I also got into a relationship with a good friend (fellow alcoholic) at about a year sober and experienced much of what you describe. I tend to need a lot of personal space anyway so I knew I was going to have to make some adjustments, no matter who I was with. I tend to always have one eye on the exit door but I was hoping that was more a factor of my alcoholism than my personality.

Alas, it was a bit of both. I discovered through this relationship that I have some strong ACOA issues and although I was constantly feeling like I was being smothered and he was needy, I also saw that I was needy as well. And not in good ways either.

As far as intimacy, I thought I would have more of an issue than I did although sober intimacy was awkward the first couple of times. I luckily escaped my drinking career without trauma in that regard but apparently he did not. After three months his issues with this surfaced and, quite frankly, I had no idea how to deal with them. Except to turn myself inside out trying to fix him or figure out what was wrong with me. Which, as you can imagine, made things much worse. You cannot fix one who is not interested in being fixed. But you can drive yourself crazy in the process when that person has little to no self-awareness and is prone to blame

All in all, I stayed much longer than I should have (almost ten months), got involved too soon, and gave myself a whole bunch of new needless insecurities on top of ones I already had yet to resolve. The good thing? I definitely learned a lot more about myself in relationships as a sober person. And realized I have much more work to do on me before I get entangled with anyone else in the near future.

Sounds like you're pretty self-aware, much more so than I was. Just keep checking in with yourself and posting here. I was afraid to talk about it and immediately turned it inward which is amazingly unhealthy and risky. But when we know better, we do better, right?

Thanks for the post and the very helpful discussion topic, I needed to read some of these answers tonight as well!

thisisme

I spent 8 years working on me. I am completely selfish in my sobriety.
I stopped looking 8 years ago and have never had a sober relationship and most likely never will.
I love my life .