Tomorrow is 90 days...Some Reflection/Rambling
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: SoCal
Posts: 222
Tomorrow is 90 days...Some Reflection/Rambling
Although that is a rather short time in what I finally came to realize/admit has to be a lifelong commitment, I am considering it a rather significant milestone...especially since not too long ago I wouldnt have been able to imagine coming anywhere close to 90 days. No matter how sick and miserable alcohol was making me, quitting just seemed absolutely inconceivable.
Throughout all that time I managed to continue to remain "functional" (to use the term loosely) and that of course is an easy rationalization to fall back on for continued use. After all, Id only been in two car accidents and had one DUI. I wasnt homeless, in jail, destitute, derelict, or dead. Regardless, as Ive said here before, active alcoholism is a miserable existence even if you do manage to remain "functional".
Drinking was my main priority and is pretty much what my free time revolved around. Weekends and days off were non-stop binges. Like when I got two weeks off after returning from deployment (basically an extended period of forced sobriety with the occasional chance to binge) I would wake up and start drinking at 6-7 am and continue all day until I fell asleep for a few hours and then repeated the process, which would be a typical "vacation" for me.
Recovering from such episodes in order to go back to work could be quite the ordeal. Even recovering from the weekend binges was becoming more and more taxing, and I would have to say that I do believe "kindling" to be a very real phenomenon. Even worse would be the mornings waking up completely hammered, terribly sleep deprived, and with a crippling hangover...only to realize that its a workday and you have to somehow pull it together and maintain the facade-Swearing that THIS time you have learned your lesson and you wont let it happen again...only to let it happen again countless times.
My final Semester of college was interesting because I was pretty unencumbered by life (that thing that would get in the way of drinking) and ended up living alone-so basically noone around to ask those irritating and probing questions like "You're drunk AGAIN?" Although my drinking prowess won much praise and accolades from some in the University environment (they ofcourse didnt know the ugly side), I was definitely no stranger to scorn from others.
That being said, I basically kicked it off at the end of my second to last semester. My roommate had left, finals were over, and I had a day before going home for the holidays. For some reason I thought it seemed like a great idea to see if I could drink what was almost an entire half gallon of Vodka. Somehow I did it...I passed out and when I woke up from that I had to call a friend to figure out what day it was (it was still the same one), blacked out and then woke up in the morning really banged up and with blood all over the pillow. You could call it a foreshadowing of things to come. On top of that Id be seeing my dad, a recovered alcoholic who nearly succumbed to his drinking several times and got sober before I was born...and of course there was a deep sense of shame that I was going down the same path and I wanted to keep that fact hidden (despite the fact he had picked me up at jail, picked me up at the hospital, during a Thanksgiving weekend walked in on me along with my mother after I had passed out and cut my face on a fan, etc. etc.) I was still convinced that it was my best kept secret.
Anyway, that semester was full of all kinds of miserable experiences and misadventures. Waking up not knowing if the sun was rising or setting, looking at the time not knowing if it was am or pm, hypnagogic dreams and hallucinations (I had a recurring one of the Alien from "Aliens" being beside my bed taunting me and trying to eat my face-and then I would deliriously throw punches at it in an attempt to fend it off), drinking so much some nights that I had no idea if I would wake up the next morning...and not caring because I just wanted to drink more, etc. etc. ad nauseum. I also had one of my worst withdrawal experiences that genuinely scared the hell out of me, and at the time I really thought it was going to kill me for sure. A lot of you will know what Im talking about.
Anyhow, after many more years of abuse and self imposed suffering I managed to stay sober for roughly a month. I was doing so well that I thought it would be okay to drink some one night. It was fancy/expensive beer...so I wasnt drinking to get drunk you know. It all seemed completely reasonable. I woke up the next morning hungover and immediately started drinking. I relapsed completely and I dont remember how long it was before I "got back on the wagon" again, but it was many months.
Then I managed about another month of sobriety and was doing really well. Thought it seemed perfectly reasonable to just "take a night off" and get right back on track the next day. I had several very sensible, rational, and great justifications...so great that I completely relapsed again.
Ive seen it said here before (Dee) that anytime you relapse, you never know how much more difficult it may be to get back on track the next time around. This time it was terribly difficult in comparison to previous attempts, and I was really beginning to be afraid of how powerful this Obsession had become. That feeling like your brain is being completely hijacked, and alcohol becomes like some prevailing omnipotent force that often times you dont even want but just need. There were many times while in the throes addiction, that the Obsession was so bad that there was a strong urge to take all my money and disappear somewhere where I could be left alone and just succumb to it...drink myself to death.
Eventually I got myself through another awful withdrawal experience (Disclaimer: Dont be stubborn like me, get medical supervision when detoxing or you may die), and got back on track.
This time though Ive fully accepted and come to terms with the fact that abstinence is the only solution for me. Before there was still a part of me hoping that I could somehow become a "responsible" drinker. I have failed that test countless, countless times. Even the rare occasions where I did successfully "moderate" (at least by my definition) I was still obsessed, and there wasnt much enjoyable about it because I simply wasnt drinking the way I really wanted to. Its just pointless for me to do it anymore. Not to mention the fact that it had pretty much quit working anyway. The Euphoric sensations became increasingly short-lived, if experienced at all.
Drinking is no longer an option for me, and now Im okay with that. That ofcourse is not to say sobriety has been or will be without struggle. The urges and nostalgia do and will come, but they always pass. I know I never have and never will wake up sober wishing I had gotten drunk the night before.
I may not be able to control the fact that I have it, but I can control how I respond to and deal with it...by not picking up in the first place.
Throughout all that time I managed to continue to remain "functional" (to use the term loosely) and that of course is an easy rationalization to fall back on for continued use. After all, Id only been in two car accidents and had one DUI. I wasnt homeless, in jail, destitute, derelict, or dead. Regardless, as Ive said here before, active alcoholism is a miserable existence even if you do manage to remain "functional".
Drinking was my main priority and is pretty much what my free time revolved around. Weekends and days off were non-stop binges. Like when I got two weeks off after returning from deployment (basically an extended period of forced sobriety with the occasional chance to binge) I would wake up and start drinking at 6-7 am and continue all day until I fell asleep for a few hours and then repeated the process, which would be a typical "vacation" for me.
Recovering from such episodes in order to go back to work could be quite the ordeal. Even recovering from the weekend binges was becoming more and more taxing, and I would have to say that I do believe "kindling" to be a very real phenomenon. Even worse would be the mornings waking up completely hammered, terribly sleep deprived, and with a crippling hangover...only to realize that its a workday and you have to somehow pull it together and maintain the facade-Swearing that THIS time you have learned your lesson and you wont let it happen again...only to let it happen again countless times.
My final Semester of college was interesting because I was pretty unencumbered by life (that thing that would get in the way of drinking) and ended up living alone-so basically noone around to ask those irritating and probing questions like "You're drunk AGAIN?" Although my drinking prowess won much praise and accolades from some in the University environment (they ofcourse didnt know the ugly side), I was definitely no stranger to scorn from others.
That being said, I basically kicked it off at the end of my second to last semester. My roommate had left, finals were over, and I had a day before going home for the holidays. For some reason I thought it seemed like a great idea to see if I could drink what was almost an entire half gallon of Vodka. Somehow I did it...I passed out and when I woke up from that I had to call a friend to figure out what day it was (it was still the same one), blacked out and then woke up in the morning really banged up and with blood all over the pillow. You could call it a foreshadowing of things to come. On top of that Id be seeing my dad, a recovered alcoholic who nearly succumbed to his drinking several times and got sober before I was born...and of course there was a deep sense of shame that I was going down the same path and I wanted to keep that fact hidden (despite the fact he had picked me up at jail, picked me up at the hospital, during a Thanksgiving weekend walked in on me along with my mother after I had passed out and cut my face on a fan, etc. etc.) I was still convinced that it was my best kept secret.
Anyway, that semester was full of all kinds of miserable experiences and misadventures. Waking up not knowing if the sun was rising or setting, looking at the time not knowing if it was am or pm, hypnagogic dreams and hallucinations (I had a recurring one of the Alien from "Aliens" being beside my bed taunting me and trying to eat my face-and then I would deliriously throw punches at it in an attempt to fend it off), drinking so much some nights that I had no idea if I would wake up the next morning...and not caring because I just wanted to drink more, etc. etc. ad nauseum. I also had one of my worst withdrawal experiences that genuinely scared the hell out of me, and at the time I really thought it was going to kill me for sure. A lot of you will know what Im talking about.
Anyhow, after many more years of abuse and self imposed suffering I managed to stay sober for roughly a month. I was doing so well that I thought it would be okay to drink some one night. It was fancy/expensive beer...so I wasnt drinking to get drunk you know. It all seemed completely reasonable. I woke up the next morning hungover and immediately started drinking. I relapsed completely and I dont remember how long it was before I "got back on the wagon" again, but it was many months.
Then I managed about another month of sobriety and was doing really well. Thought it seemed perfectly reasonable to just "take a night off" and get right back on track the next day. I had several very sensible, rational, and great justifications...so great that I completely relapsed again.
Ive seen it said here before (Dee) that anytime you relapse, you never know how much more difficult it may be to get back on track the next time around. This time it was terribly difficult in comparison to previous attempts, and I was really beginning to be afraid of how powerful this Obsession had become. That feeling like your brain is being completely hijacked, and alcohol becomes like some prevailing omnipotent force that often times you dont even want but just need. There were many times while in the throes addiction, that the Obsession was so bad that there was a strong urge to take all my money and disappear somewhere where I could be left alone and just succumb to it...drink myself to death.
Eventually I got myself through another awful withdrawal experience (Disclaimer: Dont be stubborn like me, get medical supervision when detoxing or you may die), and got back on track.
This time though Ive fully accepted and come to terms with the fact that abstinence is the only solution for me. Before there was still a part of me hoping that I could somehow become a "responsible" drinker. I have failed that test countless, countless times. Even the rare occasions where I did successfully "moderate" (at least by my definition) I was still obsessed, and there wasnt much enjoyable about it because I simply wasnt drinking the way I really wanted to. Its just pointless for me to do it anymore. Not to mention the fact that it had pretty much quit working anyway. The Euphoric sensations became increasingly short-lived, if experienced at all.
Drinking is no longer an option for me, and now Im okay with that. That ofcourse is not to say sobriety has been or will be without struggle. The urges and nostalgia do and will come, but they always pass. I know I never have and never will wake up sober wishing I had gotten drunk the night before.
I may not be able to control the fact that I have it, but I can control how I respond to and deal with it...by not picking up in the first place.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 291
wow, thank you for that...I can fully relate...thank you for not giving up
I have been on and off so many times , I had so many of the same thoughts and feelings
but I have raised the white flag, I surrender, I do not want to drink ever again.
I'm on day 2.
I have been on and off so many times , I had so many of the same thoughts and feelings
but I have raised the white flag, I surrender, I do not want to drink ever again.
I'm on day 2.
Living Sober
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 555
Hey polaris-
First, I wanted to say thank you for the post. As I was reading it, I felt as though I wrote much of it myself, as it rang true with my life to a degree. The more time I spend in this forum, the more I can appreciate some of the many commonalities us 'alkies' have.
With what you've described, that 90 day mark is HUGE!
I, too, would have thought that the idea of stopping alcohol would be "absolutely inconceivable." In fact, at one point I would not really get too involved with any females if they were non-drinkers, as I thought that would cramp my style by way of posing a limitation on my alcohol intake. (Pretty sad, I know) However, it seems like you're moving forward this time in a big way. Nice!
That's how I feel too. I've decided that I'm either a drinker or a non-drinker and when I chose to be a non-drinker, there can be no compromise- ever.
Again, congrats on the 90 day mark, which should be today if I read things correctly. Your post is an inspiration to many, as well as a reminder for some.
Lusher
First, I wanted to say thank you for the post. As I was reading it, I felt as though I wrote much of it myself, as it rang true with my life to a degree. The more time I spend in this forum, the more I can appreciate some of the many commonalities us 'alkies' have.
With what you've described, that 90 day mark is HUGE!
I, too, would have thought that the idea of stopping alcohol would be "absolutely inconceivable." In fact, at one point I would not really get too involved with any females if they were non-drinkers, as I thought that would cramp my style by way of posing a limitation on my alcohol intake. (Pretty sad, I know) However, it seems like you're moving forward this time in a big way. Nice!
This time though Ive fully accepted and come to terms with the fact that abstinence is the only solution for me.
Again, congrats on the 90 day mark, which should be today if I read things correctly. Your post is an inspiration to many, as well as a reminder for some.
Lusher
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