For my fellow strugglers
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 39
For my fellow strugglers
I am being admitted to a 60 day treatment program on Wednesday, November 12th. I'm packing clothes, talking to my children and husband, trying to be as honest as possible, without highlighting information that they are so far protected from. I'm an alcoholic, have been since birth, but only succumbed to my pre-disposition for addiction in the last 6 years. I also suffer from PTSD, Depression, Survivor's Guilt, etc. etc. I don't blame anyone for where I am right now, though I can recognize the contributing factors. I did not choose to be here...nor did you. It is what it is...and here I am. I self-medicated my pain away with alcohol, even when the tiny voice in my head told me that I was not helping myself. I denied, even when my husband and 2 amazing sons showed me in the ways that they could that they were worried about me and scared about my behaviour when I had been supposedly "helping myself" to be better. My booze eventually stopped numbing my pain, and instead started nudging me towards the very pains, fears, torments, and secret thoughts that I had been hiding for so long. I thought I reached my rock bottom when I cut my wrist. Don't get me wrong, I DID NOT want to kill myself. I honestly just wanted to know if I could still feel pain. Based on my medical knowledge, I knew that you have to cut from wrist to forearm along a vein, not sided to side. Side to side is useless. But the fact is that whatever was going through my brain at the time, was not healthy thinking. My rock bottom came when I got accepted into a treatment program, and listened to my husband cry when he finally had to tell his family and mine what our life has been like for the last 2 years, where I was going, and why.
I am more fortunate than some. For that I am grateful beyond words. But had I had another few months left to my own devices, I would have lost everything. I don't doubt that for a moment. I am in a downward spiral, and there is only one place that my story will end without this treatment program...I will die. My children will mourn their mother, while being angry that I'm gone, NEVER believing that it will have had nothing to do with them, and my husband will be left to mourn me as well, while trying to hide his own grief, anger, resentment, powerlessness because he will protect our precious young men at all costs.
I love these men in my life. I owe them my best effort. I can't promise anything, but I AM worth saving. And so are you. Somebody loves you, and somebody NEEDS you to try.
So off I go to Club Med. It will cost my family $9000, which we have had to borrow. That was hard for me to swallow...I thought I wasn't worth it. But apparently I am. So I have to believe that. Period.
Wish me luck, please
I am more fortunate than some. For that I am grateful beyond words. But had I had another few months left to my own devices, I would have lost everything. I don't doubt that for a moment. I am in a downward spiral, and there is only one place that my story will end without this treatment program...I will die. My children will mourn their mother, while being angry that I'm gone, NEVER believing that it will have had nothing to do with them, and my husband will be left to mourn me as well, while trying to hide his own grief, anger, resentment, powerlessness because he will protect our precious young men at all costs.
I love these men in my life. I owe them my best effort. I can't promise anything, but I AM worth saving. And so are you. Somebody loves you, and somebody NEEDS you to try.
So off I go to Club Med. It will cost my family $9000, which we have had to borrow. That was hard for me to swallow...I thought I wasn't worth it. But apparently I am. So I have to believe that. Period.
Wish me luck, please
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
So off I go to Club Med. It will cost my family $9000, which we have had to borrow. That was hard for me to swallow...I thought I wasn't worth it. But apparently I am. So I have to believe that. Period.
9000 is a drop in the bucket its /NOTHING/ in comparison to your life and you getting healthy. You cant put a price on that. Whats a lot of money? I hve no idea a lot of money to you or i is next to nothing to someone else its all about perspective. That being said sometimes we have to look at things form a different angle so they dont seem as big and scary. I think when you get to the other side of this you'll see things from a different angle and have a different take on matters.
Problems are big and scary to us but we can beat them.
Your incredibly fortunate to have this option. Incredibly fortunate to be able to borrow this. So fortunate you got a family that cares. Dont worry about "what if i let them down" Take it one day at a time. each day is a fresh start.
It'll work out even tho you may not think so from reading your post It hink you got a pretty good outlook on the situation to be honest.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,256
Wishing the best for you, and that you have a plan for when you get out. AA is working wonders for me - as it provides support, a place to talk, a place to listen, and offers the steps to work on that help me get through life.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: South Bay, So Cal
Posts: 6,123
. A big hug to you fellow Mom., I went into a sober treatment facility / Rehab on November 12, 2012 We, too, had to struggle for the financial means. Although my wonderful husband of 26 years, did not tell me. I cried at night for the first few days. That's ok. But, I took it seriously why I was there, and did everything that was asked of me. No setbacks or relapses since then .... I personally was just done. I celebrate on Wednesday 2 years .....that really have flown by...wow. I'll look forward to reading your posts when you return. All the best.....one day at a time.... 
Bobbi
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Central America/Florida USA
Posts: 4,064
Good luck. Going off to treatment is a scary thing, but I think it's a great thing for many of us. You're not alone. It helped me to follow the rules and sit at the nerd's table. All the best to you and your family.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 44
Fresh, you are worth it to your family. Your husband and your son's love you so much that they did everything to make you see you need to get help NOW. They want to make memories with that you can remember and look back on. In yoga they have a pose - warrior pose:the point of the pose my teacher says is one hand points to your past, which we can't change, only learn from it , so look but don't dwell. The other hand extends to the front, your future .look and and see where you want to be/go. Your body is centered strong and balanced in the middle - your present were you need to be in mind, body , and spirit. My prayers are with you and you loving family.
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