mudfall

I was alcohol free for over a month in my last attempt at living without it. Excuses that I want to state are being crushed at work and the anxiety produced by such, huge fights with my family which has lead me to cancelling my trip home for Christmas this year, horrible things that happened to me in the past which are the root of the majority of the pain I face today and most detrimentally, just thinking that "at this moment I don't have to give a @$%#".

I was feeling so good and now I feel awful. I don't mean the hangover as there is very little of one, I don't mean the sore throat or the dizziness or the nausea, I mean that I gave into nihilism. Looking back I see that could have sought help to counter all of these "excuses" for drinking. I could have, and should have, made healthier decisions and changed what needed to be changed. I drank 2 cases of beer in 4 sittings which I know is horrible for the human body and mind. The few hours of chemical relief does not compensate the molecular mayhem caused by such abuse.

I see now that I have ego problems in thinking that I can do this alone by will alone.

I can't hold this in anymore, I need to admit that there is a part of me that for whatever reasons wants to abuse/destroy myself. I, as the product of the cerebral cortex, must find a way to stop this from happening.

I apologize for not coming here to talk about how I felt. I joined this forum to seek help when needed and I didn't do such.

OklaBH

I'm so sorry. I totally understand. Family is the original "f" word. Posting, reading and counceling will help... But most of all stop the madness by putting down the drink. Nothing in my life has ever been improved with alcohol.. Only made worse. Take care of yourself

SoberLeigh

Mud fall, so sorry to hear that you have faltered, that your are overwhelmed at work, and experiencing difficult family issues.

There is a lot of self-awareness in your post regarding the underlying issues which you would like to address and which you have identified as leading you to drink. Sounds like you are ready to begin a process of healing.

Have you made any plans for counseling or investigated any other form of face to face support (AA, Celebrate Recovery, etc.).

How about re-committing to spend more time here on SR?

Rooting for you, mud fall. Glad you are back.

fini

mudfall,
it all sounds normal to me.
i say that, of course, because i did the same, and a gazillion times.
and wanting to do it by myself, for me it wasn't so much a 'wanting' as an insisting and not understanding that willpower alone wasn't the ticket. that part of this whole deal is beyond rational. i made many rational decisions about stopping and knew the stupid excuses were stupid excuses but followed them anyway down the road.

no apologies needed at all.

you joined for help and decided against it when you wanted to drink, when you didn't care not to.

it's okay. you learned something about yourself and about what doesn't work for you.

use that knowledge to your advantage.

this is doable. in different ways.

Anna

Sadly, I think this was the case with me. My self-esteem and the emotional pain I felt on a daily basis made me not care what I did to my body. Really, why else would intentionally poison ourselves?

The good news is that you are a good person and you can find your purpose in life. Have faith that you can learn to like and to love yourself.

freshstart57

Once you understand that alcohol helps nothing, and that it makes everything worse, you will stop turning to it for help. Then, willpower is not required to 'control your intake'. You simply decide to quit, and never drink again. Most who quit drinking do it in just this way, no formal recovery program needed.

The internal struggle of the addict seems to be an opportunity for a new understanding for you. Take a look at Rational Recovery. It provides a way of looking at this internal dialogue that you may find helpful.

IOAA2

Hi.
I would suggest a program that works IF we work it, for millions worldwide for around 75 years. It’s called AA and is generally in most towns and certainly thousands of cities.
Some people are negative about it because of fear of the unknown and/or ignorance. It’s similar to here in many respects where many people understand and want to help even if we are resistant. All that is needed is some time to sit and listen, that’s it until you might want to say something.
Most addiction rehabs are based on AA recovery methods along what you read here.
Whatever method is used stick with it through good and bad times as most relapses happen when we start doing things our way again.

BE WELL

least

Next time you get an urge to drink, post here instead.

Soberintexas007

Do what I have been doing when I get depressed, eat your way out of a craving until you can handle the depression or have more sobriety under your belt.

Gottalife

No need to apologise mate. This is just ordinary alcoholic stuff. One of the things we try is to put in place some defences agianst the first drink. Often meetings, and promising to ring someone if we ever feel like drinking.

The truth is few real alcoholics ever ring and the reason is simple. It doesn't occur to them. When the obsession returns and we are in the insanity of the first drink, all our human defences are down. Our memory of the last disaster, thoughts of possible consequences, the very good reasons for calling someone, just don't come to mind.

The trick is to find a better defence, one that can be relied on 24/7.

mudfall

Thanks for your replies everyone, great words here and I appreciate not being kicked when I am down.

I've made it through the rest of the weekend and today without drinking.

I'm going to stop by this forum and read more about strategies and defenses to stay clean. I'll do such right after work because I know by now that such is the time when I start to feel a little more dry than I can take.

Dee74

Sorry I missed the thread but I'm glad you made it back Mudfall
D

Mcribb

I am sorry about what has happened. Try to put it behind you. Life is full of hard lessons. Don't beat yourself up and get serious help if you need it. Your story hit home for me. I have relationships troubles that cause me lots of pain, but one day at a time I don't drink and I move forward.

AlexThedude

"there is a part of me that for whatever reasons wants to abuse/destroy myself. " For me, what that guy meant was that he wanted that version of himself to die.