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Is it REALLY alway's ME ???

Old 11-06-2014, 05:46 AM
  # 61 (permalink)  
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sorry to hear about what happend to you dave i really am

tell you what would of happend if i was in your shoes and i did what you did in terms of had a drink

if i felt like the girl had been as cold to me as your wife i would of had that drink and then had another 20 or so
i would of got hammered drunk and then smashed the place up, my partner would have to run out of the way as i would explode and then i would proberly end up getting arrested and thrown in a cell

then of course i would wake up the next day full of shame for what i did and wishing i never picked up that first drink

thats what can happen to me and has happend to me many many times with drink in different situations

hence i dont pick up that first drink no matter how much i hurt or how bad a feel as i know just where it will take me and the real damage i can do

the only way i have is to be sober as its just to dangerous for me
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Old 11-06-2014, 01:54 PM
  # 62 (permalink)  
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Hi Dave

I'm not a relationships counsellor...but it sounds like you guys could use one.

What I do know is...people will ask you if you want a drink...sometimes they will be people who should know better.

Sometimes the very people we want to will not congratulate you on your hard work, or give any thought to how a situation might be hard for you and your recovery.

That's human beings and adult life tho.
The bottom line is it's your job - noone else's - to say no thanks.

I *know* you have a lot of problems and stresses and resentments - I'm not saying you can't be upset about that - but if you want change, you can't drink on it man.

You can choose to be a passive victim...or an active captain of your ship,

Choose wisely Dave,

D
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Old 11-07-2014, 12:28 PM
  # 63 (permalink)  
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Hi Everyone

The reply's and comments that have been posted by you fine folk's is very much appreciated. I have read them over and over numerous times each day and pick up on something new and useful everytime I read them.

I know now that I've been going about it all wrong. I've even gotten my AA big book down from the shelf and dusted it off. The first few paragraphs of "How it Works" deals with rigorous HONESTY. Being honest with yourself and others is a keystone to the whole recovery plan. Well I guess it's time to come clean and be honest.

During my few months of "Not Drinking" I never really made an effort to pursue my recovery. I believe I was looking for a reason to drink. I wafted through each day waiting patiently for the right event to take place to justify my drinking again.

That is really how my "Warped and deminted" mind is operating. I can see now that being abstinent is just the beginning and I feel I never really got further than that. I never took the steps or put forth the effort to get my recovery off the ground.

During that time of abstinence The "physical" me felt better, I lost some weight excercised more and felt great ! However the "Mental and Emotional" me is still suffering...and of course thats what true recovery is all about. Getting your head "Screwed back on Straight" !

Now to the REAL honest part of this confessional. Last Sunday at dinner I slipped. The next night was...a relapse. I've been drinkl daily since. Back to square one...Day one.

Now it is a matter of coming to terms with myself. I'am just so disgusted, angry and upset with myself I dont know what to do. The guilt, dispair and pure FEAR (of knowing I may possibly never be able to stop it and die a drunk) is overwhelming. The 5 months I had, I was proud of ! The 40 pounds I lost...I was PROUD of !!!..and now POOF !!! All GONE ! Guess it's true what they say..."Pride Go'ith Before a Fall"

If I can say ANYTHING "Up Beat" about this whole thing it would be this. I'am taking this relapse much MUCH harder than any other relapse that I can remember! The guilt, shame and remorse I'am feeling is way off the scale ! Quite frankly, I hope I never forget how I've felt this week. Hangovers hurt bad enough but my mental state this week is scareing hell out of me! ( fear not, I'am not capable of..."it")The time has come to get serious about this. To FIGHT the foe and overcome the "Demon"...and reclaim...ME !

I just want to get well. I have a lot of work to do and a lot of meetings to make...and a lot of time to spend here with all you PARTICIPATING!!!...and not just watching the threads go by.

To each and everyone of you, for putting "up" with me, standing by me, supporting me and being here for...me! Thank You, Thank You, THANK YOU !

Dave
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Old 11-07-2014, 01:08 PM
  # 64 (permalink)  
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for what its worth I probably went the first 6 months or so just working on remaining abstinent and keeping my anxiety in check.

It took a while till things started to come together.

One revelation I'm kinda thinking is something like the 12 steps is almost a daily thing not just something you do or did etc...

I have remind myself all over again about a lot of various things just to keep myself happy and calm etc.. Lots of stuff is not just something I did once and now I'm on to the next thing. Its all an ongoing process each day lot of things start all over again for me.
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Old 11-07-2014, 05:02 PM
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I agree Z

I think your revelation is excellent. The steps should be addressed on a very regular basis. Sort of like reaffirming your faith in your own sobriety and recovery.

I'am starting to see that recovery is a daily, on-going process that never really ends....and thats a good thing for ME ! I'am a mess and in need of a MAJOR make over in body mind and spirit !

This is my revelation for today and I thank YOU for it.

Dee's bottom line on his post (just above) caught my attention as well. I can choose to be the victor or the victim, I better choose wisely.

Thank you

Dave
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Old 11-07-2014, 05:35 PM
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yeah Ive found i have a VERY SHORT MEMORY!. what gets me through situation B today I might totally forget tommorrow. I learned I had to constantly remind myself of the things that work and keep me happy. I had to instill actual good habits and such. I still forget too and let life get the best of me from time to time but thats just life.

on-going process that never really ends..
Yeah if the process ever really ends I wouldnt know. I'm ok tho if it doesnt thats fine. I'm accepting of the situation.
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Old 11-07-2014, 05:37 PM
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also I guess i could best liken it for me as the movie groundhog day. Every day its the same thing "LIFE" and every day i get another crack at it. No day is really any different then the other and each morning i get to start all over again and give it another try.
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Old 11-07-2014, 06:01 PM
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thank you for posting and being honest dave its a 2 way thing this is, as you help me by reminding me of were i have come from and help me to make sure i never forget as its been 10 years now and thats a long enough time for all the pain and suffering i went through for me to forget it


this is why i keep on going back to aa as i hear from new comers or people who slip up and drink again and they show me the pain they end up in i dont want it ever again

so thank you dave for posting with honesty

hope you get back around aa and open your mouth in a meeting or 2 : ) good luck to you
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Old 11-07-2014, 06:14 PM
  # 69 (permalink)  
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Life will always throw crap at us. My 28 year old daughter died 3 month ago from cancer. What a fantastic reason to drink. Nobody would blame me. It really does not get any worse than losing a child. Everybody and there brother telling you how hard it must be. Blah Blah Blah.

Yes it is horrible, yes I am a wreck, yes I am experiencing grief beyond imagination.

But NO I AM NOT GOING TO DRINK OVER IT!!!
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Old 11-07-2014, 07:04 PM
  # 70 (permalink)  
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Dave,

if these experiences of the last five months have illuminated for you just where you've been at and where you're at right now, seeing it straight and honestly, then nothing's lost and plenty gained.

hope you use that momentum it sounds like you have right now to your advantage. sounds like you know now what will work better for you.

it all sounds GOOD, pain, misery relapse and all.

best to you.
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Old 11-08-2014, 10:26 AM
  # 71 (permalink)  
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MIRecovery...I'am so very sorry for your loss of your Daughter. I could not even begin to cope with something like that and I hope and pray I never have too.

Knowing of your pain makes my issues seem minscual by comparison. My Daughter is alive and well and so is HER Daughter but I chose to take my Alcoholic Nature out on them and chose to drink. How DARE I stoop that low !!!

The only way I can come even close to feeling your pain is to langwich in my shame.

Overwhelming guilt and shame is the price I pay for my actions by "blaming" them on someone else. You payed a much higher price for something you had no control over and I'am so sorry.

Again, my condolences to you and your family.

Dave
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Old 11-08-2014, 10:37 AM
  # 72 (permalink)  
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Life will always throw crap at us. My 28 year old daughter died 3 month ago from cancer. What a fantastic reason to drink. Nobody would blame me. It really does not get any worse than losing a child. Everybody and there brother telling you how hard it must be. Blah Blah Blah.

Yes it is horrible, yes I am a wreck, yes I am experiencing grief beyond imagination.

But NO I AM NOT GOING TO DRINK OVER IT!!!
I envy your ability to not drink. I sometimes think about terrible things that could happen to me and what it would take to get me to turn to the bottle and quite frankly I'm not sure if i could be as strong as you are under those circumstances. I know its possible however becuase of people like you so there is hope.

Knowing of your pain makes my issues seem minscual by comparison.
Someone told me once as i complained about stuff. that It was like I was complaining about the color of my shoes to the guy who has no feet. That statement made me stop and think and put into perspective my problems. I'm not discounting yours or anyone elses problems its just sometimes we have to reflect on things is all.

I went to a neighbor once started complaining about a problem i was having with the city and my chickens. He replied practically in tears that his wife had just broken her hip and he was so worried. I stuffed my foot in my mouth. My chicken issue was nothing compared to his issues.
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Old 11-08-2014, 12:27 PM
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Originally Posted by zjw View Post
I envy your ability to not drink. I sometimes think about terrible things that could happen to me and what it would take to get me to turn to the bottle and quite frankly I'm not sure if i could be as strong as you are under those circumstances. I know its possible however becuase of people like you so there is hope.



Someone told me once as i complained about stuff. that It was like I was complaining about the color of my shoes to the guy who has no feet. That statement made me stop and think and put into perspective my problems. I'm not discounting yours or anyone elses problems its just sometimes we have to reflect on things is all.

I went to a neighbor once started complaining about a problem i was having with the city and my chickens. He replied practically in tears that his wife had just broken her hip and he was so worried. I stuffed my foot in my mouth. My chicken issue was nothing compared to his issues.
Realistically I never drank because I was sad or happy. I drank because I did not like who I was. The more I drank the less I liked me which required more alcohol. This started the death spiral which almost killed me.

My daughter was very proud of me and I believe her death on my 5 year sobriety birthday happened to be a constant reminder of the new life I have been granted
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