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Is it REALLY alway's ME ???

Old 11-03-2014, 10:18 PM
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Enjoy your evening Dave.
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Old 11-04-2014, 12:13 AM
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Now that is willingness!

I hope you and your wife had a lovely time!
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Old 11-04-2014, 02:05 AM
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Yes please give us an update on how the night went Dave!
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Old 11-04-2014, 05:32 AM
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I love your post becuase I can totally relate. I think i saw no issue with how your handled matters up untill you said F it and had a drink. I think there in lies the issue. Get up from the table walk around the resturant if anyone asks say i'd rather not share my frustrations at this time and I'd just like to get some air and calm down. As important as the evening was to you the rest at the table clearly didnt realize that and how where they to know you had a surprise in your pocket?

Its a tough one being married as many years as you have I dont have to tell you. But sometimes you have to be firm no I'd really like it to just be us etc... Or you comprimise ok we will do dinner with them too but on another night etc...

Sitting there like an a-bomb stinks. It gets better tho. I still have my moments myself as much as everyone likes to make it out like its /me/ with the problem and sure sometimes it is. Its also just life. we are going to face circumstances that drive us nuts. The best we can do is try to avoid these situations and try to find ways to cope with these situations when we cannot avoid them.
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Old 11-04-2014, 03:40 PM
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Thank You Everybody...

...the dinner went well. I gave her the ring...she like'ed it..."Very Nice" in her words. I also presented her with 2 dozen long stem red roses, a box of candy...and a card, reaffirming my love for her.

The dinner was enjoyable. She ordered a Kaluha..."MudSlide"...yeah...OK... She asks "dont you want anything"? "No" I replyed. Next thing I know she is ordering me a Bud light....yes... "Damnit"...I drank it and 2 more.

I have no support...NONE !!!

What did I get???...NOTHING ! No card. No gift...NOTHING !!! She never even said..."Happy Anniversary" ! Was I EXPECTING anything? YES!!!...maybe a stinking card...or a hug...and a kiss...and a "Happy Anniversary to you too,Sweety". Thats all !

Is my Marriage over???...and I have just not been informed of it yet ?

It's looking that way.

Accessing "Damage Control"...but I fear the damage is...out of control. Thank You to everyone.

More later.

Dave
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Old 11-04-2014, 05:40 PM
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That's awful! I am so sorry! Tell her how you feel. I'm floored
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Old 11-04-2014, 07:26 PM
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hang in there, Dave.
at this point, look after the drinking-thing first.
stop doing it, and you can deal with the marriage-thing later, when you've been sober for a while.
get yourself in order, and you'll have a better chance at figuring out how to deal with the rest of it all.
sorry to hear the upshot of the evening.
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Old 11-04-2014, 07:38 PM
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I'm sorry this didn't turn out like you expected. Whatever the case, drinking will not improve it.
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Old 11-05-2014, 03:25 AM
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I'm so sorry, Dave.
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Old 11-05-2014, 03:42 AM
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Originally Posted by DuhDave View Post
I have no support...NONE !!!
Have you told her that you are trying to stop drinking?

That may seem like a dumb question but, does she know?

I can imagine her asking if you want one. That does not surprise me in the least. A normal social drinker will never understand but I can't imagine ordering someone else a drink after they have told me they have stopped or want to stop drinking.

It sounds to me as if your wife is pretty detached from you or in your life together.

I do not know your whole story but is it possible that so much damage has been done that she simply does not care either way anymore? I ask this because if she clings to your daughter and granddaughter as much as you suggest it may be that she has given up on the marriage but stays in it simply for convenience.

Now I don't know this for a fact of course but her side of the coin sounded extremely cold to me. Has she just shut down when it comes to you and your marriage? Have you talked to her, I mean a real honest open talk about your desire to stop. She may not be giving support because she does not know you need any.

I have to open my mouth and say "I need this or I want that or will you help me?". I can't assume others know this already. That is how a resentment starts. I assume others can read my mind AND I can read theirs without any verbal communication happening.
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Old 11-05-2014, 04:34 AM
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^^^^
Excellent post GracieLou, all those thoughts were running through my head last night as well but I couldn't seem to compose them without getting into my own problems.
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Old 11-05-2014, 05:17 AM
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Originally Posted by DuhDave View Post
...The dinner was enjoyable. She ordered a Kaluha..."MudSlide"...yeah...OK... She asks "dont you want anything"? "No" I replyed. Next thing I know she is ordering me a Bud light....yes... "Damnit"...I drank it and 2 more.

I have no support...NONE !!!

As was mentioned before does your wife realize you don't want to drink?

You had five months sober was she aware of this?

My take on all this is while you might have martial issues picking up the bottle again isn't going improve things.

My feeling is it will only make matters worse.
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Old 11-05-2014, 05:32 AM
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Originally Posted by DuhDave View Post
.

I have no support...NONE !!!
I had to learn this the hard way: No one is obligated to support you in your sobriety and you are responsible in finding your own support system.

For the first three months of my sobriety, my husband drank in the house. There was always a pint of Jim Beam in his office. He is not an alcoholic, but he enjoyed a few drinks after work. My getting sober did not mean he had to stop. He did stop drinking in the house after about 4 months, but not because I told him to. He stopped because he respected my sobriety. He saw me going to AA meetings every night. He heard me on the phone with my sponsor and with other women from the fellowship. He saw me reading the Big Book every night in bed.

You see, I had said I was going to quit so many times that it was just no longer believable to anyone. I had to do more than just say it. I had to show I wanted my sobriety. You ordered a beer just the other night--does that show your wife you are serious about sobriety?

My husband had to see the change in me before he let down his guard and gave up a few things. And I don't blame him one bit.
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Old 11-05-2014, 02:20 PM
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^^^^^ Yes, page! I've said 100 times or more I would quit to my husband in the past. He still drinks on the weekends, but no where near the problem I have with drinking. He would pick me up some alcohol tonight if I asked him to. Just for the fact we have been through this rollercoaster before and he would want to make me happy. Non-alcoholics don't always understand.

Dave, maybe your wife suggested the beers because she thought "why not, it is our anniversary" People who don't have drinking problems don't see the harm in celebrating typically and don't understand. I can't say much about why she didn't get you a gift or card. Have you two always done gifts during anniversaries in the past? Maybe she assumed the dinners were enough and had no idea you were planning to give her roses and a 4k diamond?
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Old 11-05-2014, 04:33 PM
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Hiya gang...

...Thanks for the comments and input.

I confess, I'am a Chronic relapser. Maybe she doesnt know when I'am "On"...or "Off" the alcohol but I'am sure she has HAD to notice the last 5 months when I didnt drink on holiday's...or at the beach or the lake, etc.

No. We dont communicate the way we should. I try to talk to her about things and most things...she doesnt want to hear. Trying to get her to put her tablet down and LOOK at me...and discuss these things...It's like she is being inconvienced.

I admit. There is a lot of resentment and animosity in our relationship. I retired early. 10 yrs ago at age 51 because I planned it that way. She still works because she made no plans at all. I actually work harder around our place than I did on my job ! She resents I dont "work"...and she "Has to". She doesnt really "have to" and I've told her this. I think she likes to work. To her it is a social event. When she gets home...she's on the couch doing very little else.

MY biggest resentment has been the fact that since our only child was born 21 years ago, we have had NO intimacy of any kind in our marriage. NONE! She doesnt want it. I have asked her over and over...WHY? She say's..."I dont know". I have encouraged her to see the Doctor (hormone therapy)...she wont have anything to do with it. I have never considered cheating as an option. I'am starting to re-consider. Dont let my age fool you. I'am 61 but am still 21 in that "Dept".

I guess this is probably a little too much information. If I'am "Airing" my dirty laundry in an in-aproriate place I'll let "Dee" be the judge. He may relocate the thread to another location. I fine with that.

There has been a LOT of very good, sound advice from you fine people and I thank you very much! I'am going over each and everyone of your reply's. It's better than talking to a therapist (sp) because a lot of you are familiar with how a drunk's mind works!

I hear alot about how I have "Perceived' things, be they right or wrong...it's just how I see them...and I'am wrong more times than not. A lot of the insight you fine people are offering is a tremendous amount of help !!!

Thats enough for now. Thank You everyone for helping me to look at myself...my life...and my alcoholism...and my recovery, from a different "angle".

Thank You

Dave
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Old 11-05-2014, 04:52 PM
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geeze dave. are you married to my wife? *sigh*

I can relate to a lot of what your gripes are i got the same gripes. A wife who is never interested and glued to her tablet etc.. I rarely even bother trying to go for the intimacy thing anymore its just another excuse. I got a bucket of excuses to drink shes got a bucket of them to not get intimate.

I can really carry on. But my wife has some good points. I'm sure yours does your still married etc. theres gotta be something to it.

I felt I had little support as well. 1 year came and went. 2 years came and went. 3 years came and went etc.. Not htat shes never acknowledged it and shes more supportive these days and she stopped suggesting I have a drink ions ago. But she fails to understand what i'm up against and that used to bother me but it doesnt anyore. Why? cuase shes not a drunk I am so how could she understand? If i want support I come here or AA etc.. not to person who doesnt suffer from the same disease.

I think you might need to put the blinders on with your gripes with your marriage. and focus on your sobriety. as your ready too you can address things in your marriage in baby steps.

I finally had the money discussion i'd been trying to have with my wife for ions but she'd always bury herself in her tablet and say "do we have to discuss this now?" as our financial ship crashes and burns in my mind. So in time things do get better.

..the dinner went well. I gave her the ring...she like'ed it..."Very Nice" in her words. I also presented her with 2 dozen long stem red roses, a box of candy...and a card, reaffirming my love for her.
You the man!! I'd love to be able to do stuff like that for my wife!!!

Like you however when i do nice things i'm hoping for fireworks and there usually isnt any. I guess its just life. It aint some romantic movie its reality i suppose? Maybe some ladies can chime in.

What did I get???...NOTHING ! No card. No gift...NOTHING !!! She never even said..."Happy Anniversary" ! Was I EXPECTING anything? YES!!!...maybe a stinking card...or a hug...and a kiss...and a "Happy Anniversary to you too,Sweety". Thats all !
I know you didnt give to get. But I see your point. In my case I never get it seems becuase we are always broke anyhow. But I agree a hug a kiss etc.. that woulda been nice huh?

Is my Marriage over???...and I have just not been informed of it yet ?
Absolutly not I dont think it has to be or is. BUT when you sober up things change. I will say that. theres a section in the big book on that. You will change you will see her differently. She will se eyou differently there is an adjustment period its normal its ok.
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Old 11-05-2014, 05:27 PM
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Hi Dave, again. My gosh, this looks very complex, and complicated. And not something that started yesterday, or after your trying to sober up... I don't have any significant words of wisdom to you except that I often feel respect for people who stay in these kinds of marriages for... the endurance, at least.

Lots of things to sort out here, much more than your trials with sobriety. How about your focusing on that, though, for a while? And have a serious conversation with your wife about it, that you don't want to drink, no matter what, period. But then stick with it and work on your recovery. If your marriage has been like this for a while an there is no acute crisis, perhaps I would not attempt to sort that out as well at the moment. Just focus on your staying sober, see how you feel about everything, communicate with your wife as good as you can, but without pushing issues. Then if it holds up after a few months, maybe you two could try some couples therapy or something like that? I dunno, just thoughts that have popped into my mind...

Thanks for the updates and I wish you well.
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Old 11-05-2014, 05:34 PM
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Diseased or not .... You're trying. Meeting u half way EsPeCiAlLy on ur anniversary isn't asking for to much. Hugs! Sorry my friend
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Old 11-06-2014, 03:00 AM
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I know this may sound awful but maybe your wife’s lack of interest will work to your advantage.

I think for many people that are already in a relationship with another person that is in direct contact with us whether that be because they are married, BF/GF, children, mother/father etc. where that person lives with the recovering alcoholic we find that we need to split our recovery time while still trying to maintain a relationship. This can be difficult.

The wife or husband needs to make time for recovery AND their spouse. The daughter or son needs to make time for recovery AND their ailing parent. The mother or father need to make time for recovery AND their children. At times that can spread a person pretty thin. Many of us still need to work, eat and sleep.

We need to get a little selfish and that is hard on the other people in our lives. We want to be better now and they want us to be better now. Many do not understand that we need the time and space to work on us so we can be there for them. So many have been robbed of precious time already and they do not understand the obsession.

She does not understand why you can’t just stop drinking beer and you can’t understand why she can’t just set down the tablet and be intimate. In the end it does not matter. Understanding is not going to solve the problem, action is going to address the issue.

In your case, and maybe this is me looking for the blessing in disguise, don’t seem to have this hurdle. You are retired so you do not have to report to work everyday. You wife is detached so you do not have to find time to make sure that relationship does not suffer.

You can throw all of your time into recovery. You do not have to split the baby.

My advice is to do just that. Make no decisions about your wife, your marriage or what or what your relationship is not at this point. Throw yourself into recovery and let that sit on the side while you get better, while you heal, while you learn to deal with life as a sober person, let you wife deal with her own issues for now.

It can be addressed later, or not. That can be something that happens down the road when you are ready. One thing I have learned is that I can make a decision now but I do not have to act on it now. I can wait a day, a week a month or a year. I am giving myself time to let that decision sink in. In some cases I did act on it and in others I changed my mind. It is important to be patient with others but also to be patient with myself. I owe myself the chance to make the best choice for me and I can't do that if my mind is not in the best place to make that choice.

I am not saying I never make mistakes, I do all the time, but today I can at least give myself the advantage of a level paying field or at least closer to one if I wait to make major decisions.
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Old 11-06-2014, 05:11 AM
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We need to get a little selfish and that is hard on the other people in our lives. We want to be better now and they want us to be better now. Many do not understand that we need the time and space to work on us so we can be there for them. So many have been robbed of precious time already and they do not understand the obsession.
YEP! people want us better but dont always want to have to deal with the recovery aspect either. We all seem to think we can just snap our fingers and wala problems solved. It takes time.

I like gracielous other points as well. You have to handle what you can handle making sobriety the priority.

When i sobered up a LOT of things had to be put on the back burner while i dug in and got selfish about ME getting better. Getting sober was probably one of the most selfish things I ever did in my life. It was all about me.

I'll be honest staying healthy fit sober is also rather selfish of me becuase it does take some focus off other things and on to me. But I have to be healthy and sober if i'm going to be good for those around me.

I sometimes wonder if my wife would like me to eat garbage food plump up and jump back in the pit with her and I simply cant.

Its ok to put some things on the backburner while you buckle down. Address thigns later or dont.

I'm very good at finding peoples imperfections then deciding i hate them and want nothing to do with them. Its really amazing I have any friends or a spouse at all. But why do I even have a couple friends and spouse then? Because I accept them for who they are. Why do they get this special privaledge from me and not others? I dunno I guess cause I love them?

You may find in time your wife just is who she is and you can accept it or not. She may change she may not.

I've had to just figure out how to accept the things I coudl not change. I cant change my wife. She is who she is.
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