dollpart

I've started to feel really disillusioned with the Fellowship. Meetings leave me blank, and I don't feel like talking to anyone from the rooms at the moment. I sit in meetings and just want to escape- the only reason I've been doing one is that I have service there. Tonight I seriously thought about just slipping away as soon as I was finished greeting people. I stuck it out but I hated it.

Also, I'm having a weird time in my own head. I have a new girlfriend. I really, really like her. I'm scared that because I can't drink, she'll start to find me boring. She has given me no indication of this, actually she's super-supportive, but in my head I'm just a loser. Everyone else has jobs, and can drink normally, and is fun. I can't drink, I'm a student on benefits, and I feel like I'm socially awkward and useless.

She had a party on Friday, and I went and didn't drink. Actually everyone liked me. At the end of the night I took drugs, just to get a buzz. I haven't told my sponsor and I don't intend to- I've never really had a drug problem, so I don't see why I shouldn't have the odd line. I know my sponsor doesn't see it that way.

I don't want to go to AA. But I'm terrified of what I might be like if I started drinking again. In the past I've been abusive, violent, unreliable, embarrassing. I never want my gf to see that side of me.

I know the answer is: go to meetings, don't pick up, shut up, put up, keep your AA friends.

But I don't flippin want to.

courage2

I think it's normal to have spells when you're just sick of it -- sick of being an alcoholic, of AA, of yourself. But if AA has been helping you stay sober, it's probably not wise to discard that support. If you're in London, can you switch up some meetings, try some different venues? That's one thing I do. Also I dial back and forth on the number of meetings I go to -- sometimes I try to put a few "in the bank", sometimes I avoid them.

A couple of other things I do:

• in my home group, I've recently changed my seat to a different side of the room. It's amazing what a change in view does.
• When I'm feeling disaffected, during the time I'm mentally dialed out, I make a point of choosing one person who I'm not particularly fond of and going up to them right at the end, shaking their hand, & saying something supportive-- then I hightail it out of there.
• I don't talk to anyone just to act "as if". I talk to someone if I think I can help them with their alcoholism, or they can help me.

dollpart

Thank you for replying, I really appreciate it. I'll try some of your suggestions, see if any things like that make a difference. I just kind of feel like maybe I could try drinking again and it wouldn't be such a disaster this time around... But I have things to lose...

ScottFromWI

Your right, it probably wouldn't be such a disaster this time. It would most likely be an even worse disaster than you think. Your addiction is really feeding you some heavy BS today. That's normal though, and it comes back sometimes even after extended sobriety. You are an alcoholic, you cannot and will never be able do drink moderate.....period.

So what do you do? Change things that you can. Maybe a different meeting? maybe some, if the suggestions from AA members. Maybe you try something different to supplement your meetings? Above all though, the single worst possible thing you could do is to drink

dollpart

I'm just worried that maybe I'm not, and never was, an alcoholic. I kind of don't believe in myself anymore. xx

courage2

I read through some of your old threads. I suggest you do the same.

I've never known an alcoholic or even a problem drinker who said they were glad they had picked up again. A problem is a problem. The simplest part of making alcohol not a problem is not to use it. The quickest way to remind yourself that alcohol is a very serious problem for you is to pick up.

Do you have anyone in AA you connect to personally? It sounds like you have a sponsor -- are you calling anyone else? Now's the time to reach out!

dollpart

I have called a couple of people, texted a couple of people. Not much though. feeling so disconnected from everybody.

Hawks

I identify with those exact same feelings.

I loved AA at first, attending meetings and events, and hanging out in the fellowship

but slowly I got around to hating it and everyone.

After a bust and 4 more years of drinking (didn't go well) I had finally had enough and so I went back to AA.

Thankfully I thought about what I'd missed first time round and a picture of the 12 steps banner popped into my mind.

That was what I'd missed.... The actual factual program.

So I went and found a group of big book thumpers and got plugged in.

AA this time around has been an entirely different kettle of fish.

Best of luck with your sobriety journey

dollpart

Thank you, Hawks.

IOAA2

Well we have choices but are all of them sane?
Sanity is doing the same things over and over again expecting different results.
Years ago when I came around a response from the old timers might be “OK ,your misery is refundable.”

In many thousands of meetings no one ever went and relapsed and returned and said what a good time they had. The fact is few were able to come back because of where the drinking took them. Some who were able to come back were “different” for periods of time and usually drank repeatedly thereafter.


BE WELL

freshstart57

There are plenty of alternatives to the two you listed. You don't need to drink, and you can find many ways to make that happen. Are you ready to decide about continuing to use alcohol?

MIRecovery

What does your sponsor say? If you don't have one you may wish to get one

Pagekeeper

^^^This is a relapse on booze just waiting to happen.

You sound like a dry drunk.

And you may think the "odd line" is okay because you are not a drug addict (and you probably are not one) but just remember alcohol is cunning, baffling, powerful. Those "odd lines" can easily lead you right back to the bottle.

If you are serious about maintaining any kind of sobriety, you need to to tell your sponsor everything you wrote in this post. Doesn't sound to me like you are doing step work, and given your mental state, that's exactly what you need. If your sponsor does not do steps or wants you to wait several months before you start a 4th step, then get a new sponsor. Once you have the spiritual experience, the mental stuff will be 100% better, and you won't feel like such crap.

SunnyMe

We have a disease whose best weapon is to convince us we don't have a disease.

So many of us go through this. You're not alone, dollpart. Please take care.

GracieLou

This has been my exact experience only instead of 4 years it was 10.

I think you may want to get active in step work. If you are working them then dig in deeper. If you are not working them then get started. If you have done them, do them again!

You relapsed and it does not get better from here. Either own up to it and dig in harder or try that controlled "I am not sure I am an alcoholic" drinking an see where it goes.

If you are an alcoholic you are gonna know pretty soon if you drink. The hard part is coming back. It is much easier to stay, get honest and dig in then to leave and try to get back on the horse.

Climber122

Here's a very good talk on "emotional sobriety" that you might find useful. It's a long talk but hang in there. The "when do I get happy?" question is something that plagues a lot of us I think. I hope this helps you as much as it did me:

http://aa-speaker-tapes.s3.amazonaws...20Sobriety.mp3

skg

It's an honest program with a foundation solidly embedded in humility. I don't know of any healthy recovered (yes, recovered, restored, renewed; as pointed out in Step #2) alcoholic that's going to accept responsibility for another's sobriety by trying to prevent your relapse. The problem starts and stops with with acceptance of Step #1. Of course, as long as one refuses to actually DO the steps, there's room to argue...

And yes, drugs (recreational or prescription) when used to "feel different" are part of addiction--whether top choice or last--it's what addicts do. Filling a spiritual hole with external solutions will fail every time--be it drugs, sex, alcohol, gambling, etc., like it or not and in spite of one's opinion of a power greater than themself.

Change your meetings and put recovery first, or it won't last (and neither will your relationship). Anything you put in front of this disease you WILL lose. Ask me how I know...

keithj

It's not the answer that AA suggests, nor is it the answer found in AA's program of recovery.

I see hundreds of people every year come into AA meetings and find themselves right where you are: bored and disillusioned and not enjoying themselves. AA has an answer for this in the 12 Steps. All too often, a meeting will carry the message that it's about 'go to meetings and don't pick up.' The truth is, if I had the power to not pick up, I wouldn't need to be in those meetings. Once I knew that I didn't have this power (Step 1), the answer became very clear.

zjw

Sometimes you gotta drag yourself kicking and screaming to do the things you should do. I'm not a die hard AA'r.

But with say exercise. I have my ups and my downs days i dont wanna but i do it anyhow kicking and screaming and 98% of the time happy after that I did. I typically run but latly I'm in a rut just recovering from an illness along with some pains i'm going easier then I normally do. But i'm walking on some days rather then running so i can recover.

My point is if you dont want to go and its giving yout his much grief the show up and be a bump on a log at least you went. Chances are after your there you'll feel differently.

I wrestled with going to AA last week. I drug myself in. I was in a foul mood I knew it would help but I knew I didnt wanna go. I drug myself in kicking and screaming. I myself decided to be the bump on the log and not contribute squat. I finally felt the nudge to contribute the nuge became more of a kick in the A$$ the more i refused so I contributed afterwards someone thanked me for speaking and said they got a lot out of what i had to say. All while speaking it was almost painful for me to contribute thats how badly i didnt wanna cause i was in such a foul mood.

After that guy thanked me I thought well I guess it was worth it. I felt a tiny better and I helped someone so I guess thats good.

heartcore

How about "I don't drink" rather than "I can't drink."

And in terms of AA. There are many possible paths up the mountain of sobriety. Cross-train. I would keep your hand in at AA with a meeting or two a week, just so you don't derail, but you could also substitute a meeting with a yoga class, or a meditation group, or a creative project (like photographs about what you see as a sober person in your city). We're building a lifetime of sobriety here - there's no way that the same pattern of support will work forever.

I also suggest that you include some discussion about your experience of sobriety into your relationship dialog - why you got sober, what you were like, how important it is to you to be a non-drinker, etc. If your GF has no idea of its importance, she will not know when you are in trouble in a reach toward the drink. She deserves to know the truth of the situation.

"I don't drink." Because you value the person you are without drinking, because you value the way you can trust yourself to be a good partner, because you LIKE YOUR LIFE MORE without alcohol. If this is not true, then you have to fix it.