Mirage74

I've seen a few others that have been a member here for much longer than they've been sober. I'm one of those - I joined in Feb of last year(I think) but today I am on my 8th day sober. I can't, or won't even, promise that it will be different this time. I can just stay determined to not drink today.

And I was just thinking how difficult that one task can be - to not drink today. There are certain times of the day, moments of clarity, where the decision to quit is obvious and certain. Like the moment I wake up, without a hangover. There is no doubt in my mind avoiding alcohol the night before was the right decision. And I am grateful at that moment. But then there are times, usually later in the day, where doubt creeps in. I become ambivalent about quitting. Who cares, I think, It's only alcohol, and I begin to rationalize taking a drink. And what I really want is that feeling, the numbness, the relaxation, the euphoria that comes after a couple of drinks. It takes priority over everything. When everything in my life tells me I need to quit, the desire for that feeling takes precedent. I just want to feel good, NOW.

I'm writing this because this is what is going through my mind right now - how elusive the desire to quit can be. The desire to quit can so easily transform into the overwhelming desire to drink again. I guess that's why it's so hard to get sober. The way drinking makes us feel is so etched in our memories, it overpowers any memories of all the bad consequences. Thats why we have to constantly remind ourselves why we decided to quit.

That's what I'm doing right now, reminding myself. I'm determined not to drink, even if it's for just the next hour.

silentrun

Good to have you back.

Bostonsportsfan

The 8th day is very early and it will get better if you stay sober. I wish you the best of luck.

zjw

those thoughts of how great drinking can be become fewer and further between and in time they typically get countered with the bad side as well. I drove by a beer store tonight and thought gosh what it might be like to go back in there buy a case slap that up on the counter and pay the good man and be on my way for a nice evening of drinking. But I cant afford that. I cant afford the misery that'll come after the drunkeness wears off. I dont want it either no thanks.

I can sit there and go Oh boy how awesome would it be to hammer some of those drinks! I bet they are tasty etc.. but in the same sentance its always followed up with those days are through as great as it might sound it just wont happen. I know the price i'll have to pay if i pickup.

8 days is a pretty big deal. Dont give up now you got a lot of progress under your belt. been sober 8 whats 1 more?

Sudz No More

Hang in there, get determined and make a few months without and you'll see a tremendous difference in your impulses. Glad to see you are still at it.

silentrun

Unless I am remembering wrong you had a good quit going at one time. How long did you make it before you relapsed?

Mirage74

Thx for the responses. SR, I've quit many times. A year ago I had almost 3 months and relapsed. I had a month a couple of times earlier this year.

I guess my biggest problem is failing to see the urgency. Rationally, I know it's a serious problem, even deadly. It's amazing how your mind can convince you drinking a few beers ( or whatever) is no big deal, in the moment. Other people do it, right? And without repercussion. Why can't I? Oh yea, bc I'm an alcoholic.

sugarbear1

I lurked on here for 8 years, only as a guest (and still drinking). I am now sober for a little over 3 years.

Took me a long time to stop and work on staying stopped.

dsmaxis10

I have 18 days habitual relaspser had four years once but ever since then its been a battle now if I drink again I have to go to the homeless shelter. At first I struggled for ten days then the more time I get the more it seems like I have a choice to drink cause the physical craving gone. But what about the mental obssesion to some day drink like a normal drinker well I failed at it so much I know the answer I can't control my drinking.

ScottFromWI

Glad you came here to talk it through mirage. I understand the rationalizing, even in the face of overwhelming evidence that drinking is always a losing proposition for me.

For me the key was accepting that I am an alcoholic, and that the stark reality is that instant satisfaction from a couple drinks is simply not an option. It doesn't seem fair, and maybe it's not...but it is reality and I cannot change it. I can do a lot of other things though...and can do them all better when I'm not drinking.

I'm not a religious person but I had to accept on faith that I cannot drink. There is no logical reason to explain why we are alcoholics, so logic cannot save us either. We have to tak ethat leap and accept it

Mirage74

Yep, dsmaxis, I know it too. But my crazy mind will try to convince me otherwise at any given moment. I've actually been using the RR routine. When those thoughts creep up, I say "NO, you're not drinking!"

Soberwolf

Glad your here

Mirage74

I think that's spot on SFW. I just have to accept it blindly, and quit analyzing and stewing over it. Maybe it's not fair. I guess life is not fair.

doggonecarl

Mirage, anyone who has attained long term sobriety has gone through the same struggles and succeeded. So it is not as elusive as you think. Hard but not impossible.

zjw

I was the same way though I never really gave quiting much of an effort till I finally did I was content to keep on drinking despite various issues.

For me it had to get bad enough. I wish i coulda wised up and sobered up before it got bad enough. But I also know that likly for me it would not have worked out anyhoe. I had to go through what i went through in order to be where i am now.

Not to say that it has to get worse for you or something. But it is a process. Our minds really gotta get wrapped around whats going on and get strong enough to stop and stay stopped. For me the bad enough part motivated me. But for others it doesnt have to take that. My bad enough was actually not all that bad either in comparison to many others. So its different for everyone.

I read somewhere not to quit trying to quit because sooner or later it sticks. Once the "i should quit" seed has been planted I think we got a good fighting chance. Prior to that I was content to just drink into oblivian.

Dee74

Good to see you back Mirage74.

Rest assured I went through the same thing many times. Eventually I was able to see the return to drinking for the lie it really is.

If you want change, you need to make change

D

Ionray

We should not dwell on guilt and remorse over the past, but it can be a useful tool for projecting into the future. Whenever the AV starts whispering that it's okay now, to just have a few, I play the tape... fast forward past the relaxation and euphoria, into the horrible guilt and remorse I will inevitably experience the next day at having tried, and failed, to control my drinking again.

keithj

Interesting. Being determined not to drink is what you've been doing unsuccessfully for the past year and a half. Maybe something more is required.

Boleo

So far, you have mentioned what you don't do to stay sober - You don't drink one-arduous-day-at-a-time.
There is a lot of room for rationalization to seep in with that kind of recovery.

However, you have never mentioned what you "do" do to stay sober. I don't see any action in your recovery. Maybe if you took some action - F2F fellowship, sharing 1on1 or service work, you would not have so much time to rationalize about recovery?

waynetheking

Hang in there mirage74. Just give this crap up. Accept sobriety. Its better. You know that. Drinking will never do anything for you but kill you. Don't fall for the notion that its comforting. Its not. Its a false sense of hope that it makes life better. You will beat this one day at a time. Thank you for coming back and reminding all of us how tricky and insidious this disease is. Were here for ya!