pivotalplains

This is my first time posting in a forum, but I've been reading through some of the other threads on here and have found some really great inspiration through others' stories, so here goes.

I've been a day-drinking, shame/solo-drinking, but employed and 'functional' (if you can call it that, my life was still a mess) alcoholic for the past three and a half years, in what I've felt has been a slow but steady downward spiral pretty much the whole way- which seems to be a common theme, and I'm glad to feel less alone in the feeling!

While there were some times during this period where I might go up to a week without drinking, it was fairly rare. And while I had cold sweats and some fatigue, I'd never had any major health issues, so it was easy to rationalize to myself that it wasn't that bad for my body and that I could still put off dealing with my addiction until I was 'ready'. I was drinking about 4-5 days/nights a week, with the daily intake being usually around 400ml (just over a mickey) of vodka.

Last Saturday I had a health scare in an unintentional 'detox' at the end of a particularly bad bender.. I'd been drinking for the past 4 days straight, with my intake being a bit higher than usual. When I woke up that morning I was barely functional, and spent most of the day sleeping and trying to drink water, thinking I was just hung over but feeling like I could barely put sentences together because my brain was having the kind of hangover I like call 'the pink squiggle'. I was really dreading that evening, because my fiancé and I had plans to go to his sister's house for dinner. I knew he was disappointed that I'd been doing so badly with drinking in the past few weeks, and that conversation at his sister's would be awkward due to my blank stares and half-jumbled sentences while I tried to be social.

Long story short, in the car on the way to dinner I had what I believe was a seizure (not confirmed by the ER doctors I ended up seeing that evening) in which I had a really strange wave of an uneasy sensation inside my head, then lost control of my hands (which clenched up very painfully into balled fists and went tingling then numb from muscle pain) and then the bottom half of my face went numb which impaired my speech and caused slurring. The whole episode lasted about 3-5 minutes and then luckily subsided. I never lost consciousness but would absolutely not have been able to walk as my feet/calves were also numb and tingling.

It was extremely frightening, as I was not at all expecting or prepared to go through withdrawal.. especially not such a serious complication of it.. and had no idea how serious the risks of detox are when drinking as much and as frequently as I was over the period of a few years.

Although the experience was awful and frightening and pretty much just horrible all around, I feel like it couldn't have come at a better time because I'd been starting to finally really start to feel over the past month or two that my positive/manageable relationship with alcohol was so far behind me that I didn't even know what I was doing still drinking. I'm on my second DUI and therefore have a suspended license, my fiancé (who I fell in love with while I was sober) was starting to lose faith that I could (or even wanted to) change the path I was on, I had alienated all of my best girlfriends, and my work was suffering. I'd had a written warning for falling asleep at my desk (due to being hammered), and in the summer I was put on a 3 week leave of absence to deal with my drinking issues (which I used partially to solo-day-drink. sigh.). I was sick of being constantly either drunk (usually) or passed out/hung over as **** (the rest of the time), and having days blur together from being on a bender and drinking pretty much every waking moment.

I felt like I was really losing control, and getting to the end of my rope with drinking because I just didn't know how to break the cycle of habit, so I'm taking what happened to me as a reality check that I hope I can really use for the better.

It's been 8 days, and I'm feeling like, for the first time, I CAN DO THIS!! I've never felt like I belonged in a forum like this before, or at AA meetings, because I wanted to believe I could be independent enough to just kick it on my own 'when I was ready' ("and when will that be??" is what I've asked myself so many times in the past...). But I see so much of myself in a lot of the stories on here, and feel like there are probably others out there going through similar feelings.

The withdrawal was okay after the initial scare of the seizure, had some bad headaches for a few days, a lot of fatigue, and some upset stomach issues. At this point I'm feeling better than I've felt in a LONG time.. no cravings for alcohol, mentally or physically. I feel like for the first time, I'm just done with it. I even walked right past the BC Liquor Store near my house last night with no urge at all to stop and get some liquor (which, even if I wasn't planning on drinking it that night, I would previously ALWAYS stop to get some to stash away somewhere in the apartment for later use). My fiancé was even out for the evening, which is usually when I would take advantage of the situation and drink myself to blackout at home alone. I couldn't believe how much my outlook has changed, but I'm a bit concerned about how drastically different it is..

I'm worried though about the initial 'high' of being sober wearing off.. when have most of you started facing those types of challenges? How did you deal with it when it came up? And are there any other newbies out there?

Thanks

Dee74

hi and welcome pivotalplains

Thanks for sharing a little of your story - that must have been really scary.

The good news is there are loads of newcomers here - come check out the Newcomers to Recovery forum as well as this Alcoholism forum
I think most of us are scared of that...I was...I hadn't had more than 2 months sober in 15 years, and usually no more than a few days....

the support here at SR really helped tho - it was great to know other people understood and I wasn't alone. I have nearly 8 years sober now.

we're an international board so there's always someone around 24/7 to help support or otherwise talk you out of bad ideas

Glad you found us
D

Shakenup

Hello pivitalplains,
Reading your post felt like reading my own story, so many similarities. I too am a newbie both to SR as well as sobriety. I have been sober now for 23 days and feeling great so far. I too worry about when the pink cloud of sobriety fades and reality sets in. I worry about having the strength and gumption to stay sober when faced with temptation. I know that day will come... I need to have a plan and a backup plan as well.

Like you I am a Vodka drinker. A binge drinker, a solo day drinker as well. I drink it by the pint or fifth straight out of the bottle until I pass out. I hid bottles all over my house to conceal my drinking from my fiance. My drinking over the past several years has slowly tarnished every aspect of my life; career, finances, relationships, friendships, physical health, mental well being and worse of all I am a mother and my children have suffered as result.

Every day for the last few years I have been in one phase of the cycle or another: thinking about drinking, drinking, drunk, passed out cold, hung over as **** or detoxing. Swearing to myself that I would never do this again as the unrelenting muscle spasms, cold sweats and upset stomach raged on and on. I have not been sober for much more than a week in a long time. I knew I had a problem and I knew what I needed to do, I just really didn't want to do the work. It was easier to just buy another bottle and forget about it along with everything else; so that's what I did.

That is, until I woke up in the ER with no clue as to why I was there. I have absolutely no recollection of the car accident or the events of the day prior to the accident. I don't remember drinking. All I can recall from that day is waking up in the ER and feeling my clothes being cut off my body and reaching down to feel something on my leg that was gooey and told it was the fat tissue from inside my leg and to keep my hands away. The next hour or so is still bits and pieces as I was stitched and stapled and scanned. The next three days in the hospital felt like one long day. I couldn't move, I was in excruciating pain and still had no clue what happened. I would fall asleep and wake up suddenly in a panic and not know where I was or why. It took a few minutes to gather my thoughts and realize I was in the hospital. Every time I thought it was a dream, but it wasn't. It was a very eerie feeling, like a nightmare come true. After several more days in the hospital I was able to move around much better and walking with a walker. Still in a lot of pain, but every day was better than the last. Once released from the hospital I checked myself into an inpatient treatment program and now I am in an outpatient program and back to work.

Life is different now. My perspective is different. I am scared to death to even take a sip of wine. I will not be attending my brother's wedding in Vegas because I don't trust myself. I can't take the chance of relapsing. I am one drink away from losing everything and everyone in my life and very possibly my life itself. This fact is clear to me now; it took a major kick in the a$$ for me to get it, but I got it good.

It feels so good to be sober. I have not had any significant cravings and I can walk by the liquor isle without pangs or urges to drink. I feel like I have been released from prison in a way. Alcohol no longer controls my life. I am on my way to a better me and a healthier and happier life.

In closing, I encourage to you to take advantage of the resources available to you. In my outpatient program I have learned that there are underlying conditions that must be addressed first as they are the reasons for my alcohol addiction. I have been self medicating myself for depression and anxiety with booze. I am now working with behavioral health professionals to address these imbalances in brain chemistry and so far I am feeling very positive about the outcome.

I wish you all the best and hope to hear about your journey in the future.

Be well and stay sober.

Shakenup

IOAA2

"I'm worried though about the initial 'high' of being sober wearing off.. when have most of you started facing those types of challenges? How did you deal with it when it came up?"


Hi and welcome.
Often what you refer to is called a “Pink Cloud” and should be cherished as it may not happen again. I suppose it happens for many reasons but for me it resulted strangely at the time I surrendered when I admitted I cannot drink in safety and stopped the mental workout of fighting for my right to drink alcohol which was getting worse on a daily basis.
That started my return to sobriety enjoyed now for many years.
Caution after a period life in general returns to “normal” and we must learn to live and go forward without alcohol. This is when work and personal changes are encouraged.

BE WELL

huntingtontx

Welcome pivotalplains, We were all newbies at one point, and we all had questions and fears. I can relate to parts of your story. It sounds like you are ready to be done with alcohol, and you can be. At this point it is up to you. I come here every day, try not to miss the online meetings here on Tuesday and Friday, and when I need support I post here or go to the chat room. I find reading and trying to help others on the way are healing for me and I hope helpful for others. Welcome to the SR family. You will find lots of support here.

polaris

Yeah, Im right around 2.5 months now. Im also in the employed/"functional" category which for a long time made it so easy to rationalize and justify my continued abuse "Well...Im not THAT bad".

I finally fully accepted that I am THAT bad, and active alcoholism is a miserable existence even if you are "functional".

pivotalplains

thank you all so much for your support and encouragement, it feels like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders now that I've finally admitted to myself that the addiction is bigger than something I can manage on my own, and that I don't have the self control to be a social drinker.

Shakenup- your story really hits home, because what you wrote is like a mirror of my own life for the past few years. I could have easily ended up in a car accident like yourself, as I've definitely been behind the wheel when I shouldn't have on many many occasions, some of which I can't even remember because I was so drunk. I'm so happy for you that you made it out alive, and that you've taken what could have been a tragedy and made yourself a better person for it.
I am also a full time (step)mother to my fiance's wonderful 7 year old son, and it hurts to think of all the times I've let him down because I chose to drink and pass out instead of doing something fun like I'd always promise we would. I feel like all we can do is try to learn from those mistakes and be a better parent in sobriety, and try not to beat ourselves up too much about the selfish choices we've made in the past.
I completely understand the cycle you're talking about, and one of the most frustrating parts for me was the total obsession and fixation on drinking that accompanied me anytime that I wasn't drunk or didn't have liquor stashed in the house somewhere for use later that evening. I didn't know what to do to break that cycle though, because I feel like I didn't have something thrown in my face that really made it urgent for me to make such a big change in my life and finally stop drinking, instead of just rationalizing it to myself that I would quit 'eventually'.
I feel like after my seizure and subsequent withdrawal I've really realized how deep in I was.. It's scared me enough to take things seriously for the first time, and to make that change before I either lose everything or die by the bottle (most likely both, if I continued the way I was).
I'm nervous about the feeling fading with time after the initial shock and scare of the seizure wears off, but I'm optimistic because over the past six months or so, as my drinking was getting worse than it had ever been before, I'd been starting to feel so exhausted trying to battle the same routine day after day- obsessing about drinking, using the first opportunity possible to get my hands on liquor (often going wayyyy out of my way to do so), drinking all the liquor whether I meant to or not, blacking out and passing out drunk, waking up in the middle of the night and going straight to my bottle (if I could remember where I stashed it) to drink more, repeat repeat repeat. It just really sucked, and I'd often literally be gulping it straight out of the bottle and thinking at the exact same time, "why am I still doing this? i don't even enjoy this anymore but I can't stop."
This is my first real shot at sobriety, and I finally feel like that cycle has been broken, the only way I can describe it is feeling FREE and like I've been liberated. It's an amazing feeling!
I hope everything is going well with you, and thank you so much again for your story because it really resonated with me.

Polaris- exactly like you said, I kept on justifying my continued drinking by telling myself "well I still have a job and a home, I'm not THAT bad..." when that wasn't the case. You hit the nail on the head, it really is a miserable existence, even if you are still fumbling your way through daily responsibilities somehow. It doesn't make it feel any better just because you still get a paycheck at the end of the week, because you still disappoint and negatively impact yourself and the people around you every day.
I'm glad that there are so many people here, sharing their stories, who are trying to get out of that mindset of rationalizing their drinking.

Everyone else, thank you again for sharing your experiences and advice, it helps so much to know that we're all going through this together and that I'm not alone.
I don't have any other recovering alcoholic friends yet and was feeling like nobody in my personal life could really understand what I'm going through, even though they're trying to help.

I'm still trying to find my footing in how to deal with the people who mean well but sometimes say or do the wrong thing (IMHO) under the disguise of 'being supportive' (like prying for details, everyone wanting to talk about it CONSTANTLY, sharing details of my current situation with others when I haven't given them permission to, etc). Doesn't help that I feel like I'm on some kind of crazy emotional rollercoaster right now, which makes PMS mood swings seem laughable- one day at a time though, right??

I'm hoping the giant spotlight my friends/family have on me and what I'm going through will start to fade as time goes by and sobriety becomes 'normal', because I feel like I'm enjoying my life so much more now that I'm finally present.

Thank you again guys for the warm welcome, it means a lot.