Question from an Alanon to an A
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Question from an Alanon to an A
I am an Alanon and I am looking for advice from an A -
What happens when you are an active A, that you don't love any more? I love my AH with all my heart after 34 years together. I don't understand what happens in addiction that you don't love people anymore.
Help me understand as I am divorcing him and just want everything like it was before.
What happens when you are an active A, that you don't love any more? I love my AH with all my heart after 34 years together. I don't understand what happens in addiction that you don't love people anymore.
Help me understand as I am divorcing him and just want everything like it was before.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 140
It's a subjective question, but I would easily put my partners feelings aside on nights I would drink. Everything I loved or cared about slowly became blurred by the choice to give in to addictive cravings. Eventually, the depressant part of alcohol really took hold and I found myself unable to really care about anything. That was my bottom, at least, it was as far as I allowed myself to fall.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Cincinnati, OH
Posts: 99
Sorry to hear of your troubles. 34 years is a long time.
Everyone's experience is a little different but I can share my own. I used alcohol to self medicate anxiety and depression. Eventually it stopped working and caused more anxiety and depression than it was relieving. And so began the horrible cycle of drinking just to try to feel normal.
It is difficult to explain this feeling to a non addict, but when I was in the throes of active drinking, I didn't want to be around anyone. Ever. I used to dread the end of the work day because I knew I'd have to face my wife and kids and try to achieve some sense of normalcy, which at the time was becoming progressively more difficult.
And so I'd keep to myself, temper on a short fuse, opting out whenever possible from social functions or even family events like my kids soccer games. In the Big Book it says "the less people tolerated us, the more we withdrew from society, from life itself" and that was certainly true of me.
I should say that I never stopped loving my wife and kids during that time, but now I can clearly see how it must have seemed that way. In the end, fear of losing them was what it took to (finally) motivate me to get help.
I've been sober for a year, and now I can't wait to get home at the end of the day to hug my wife and kids. But I'm one of the lucky ones. Alcohol destroys many marriages, families and lives. I was fortunate enough to get into recovery before that happened, but I still have to take it one day at a time and work my program because without it, I could go right back there all too easily.
Hope this helps somewhat, and prayers for you and your family that there's still time.
Everyone's experience is a little different but I can share my own. I used alcohol to self medicate anxiety and depression. Eventually it stopped working and caused more anxiety and depression than it was relieving. And so began the horrible cycle of drinking just to try to feel normal.
It is difficult to explain this feeling to a non addict, but when I was in the throes of active drinking, I didn't want to be around anyone. Ever. I used to dread the end of the work day because I knew I'd have to face my wife and kids and try to achieve some sense of normalcy, which at the time was becoming progressively more difficult.
And so I'd keep to myself, temper on a short fuse, opting out whenever possible from social functions or even family events like my kids soccer games. In the Big Book it says "the less people tolerated us, the more we withdrew from society, from life itself" and that was certainly true of me.
I should say that I never stopped loving my wife and kids during that time, but now I can clearly see how it must have seemed that way. In the end, fear of losing them was what it took to (finally) motivate me to get help.
I've been sober for a year, and now I can't wait to get home at the end of the day to hug my wife and kids. But I'm one of the lucky ones. Alcohol destroys many marriages, families and lives. I was fortunate enough to get into recovery before that happened, but I still have to take it one day at a time and work my program because without it, I could go right back there all too easily.
Hope this helps somewhat, and prayers for you and your family that there's still time.
Laozi Old Man
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Detroit, MI
Posts: 6,665
I don't understand what happens in addiction that you don't love people anymore.
It takes weeks, months or sometimes years of sobriety before we begin to make untainted decisions again.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Engerland
Posts: 897
In the end i drank to deaden or kill my emotions.
Far too painful to have them.
In the end it worked.
Completely.
That killed my marriage of 26 years.
She is long gone now and i can only hope that she is at peace with her world today.
She deserves that.
Far too painful to have them.
In the end it worked.
Completely.
That killed my marriage of 26 years.
She is long gone now and i can only hope that she is at peace with her world today.
She deserves that.
Hears The Voice
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Unshackled
Posts: 7,901
Originally Posted by maia1234 
I don't understand what happens in addiction that you don't love people anymore.
I never knew I was a slave until I was free.
Good luck to you both.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 809
Our love of the feeling that we get from alcohol overrides any other love in our life 
Not only do we love & desire alcohol but we become dependent on it. We cannot live without it. We will do anything to ensure that our need for it is met. We don't like hurting the people that care about us, but we will if you get in our way.
Best thing to do - coming from an A - is to distance yourself and take care of yourself. Pray for us and that's all you can do.
Not only do we love & desire alcohol but we become dependent on it. We cannot live without it. We will do anything to ensure that our need for it is met. We don't like hurting the people that care about us, but we will if you get in our way.
Best thing to do - coming from an A - is to distance yourself and take care of yourself. Pray for us and that's all you can do.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Littlestown PA
Posts: 5
Personally, being an alcoholic doesn't mean that you don't love anymore. It's a disease that just consumes your mind and body. It helps bury the things you don't want to feel or the things you feel like you can't face. I never stopped loving people in my life. I just quit showing it and pushed people away. I'm sure the last thing he wants to do is lose you. Sometimes it takes losing everything though before you realize something needs to change. Best of luck to you both
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Thanks everyone for your comments-
Afloatsober- I just celebrated my 26 year anniversary. I will be married 26 years and 28 days to be exact. Sad, and I don't think I will ever understand alcoholism, but its my life.
I reached out to him (once again) about getting sober. He informed me "I would gladly try and work on marriage with you but you are not dictating when I drink or smoke." " I currently DO still have a job and and belong to 3 clubs that I am active in and XXX gig plus other work. ... (Plus, he loves me...) " This is what I received from him.
The old saying is "when people show you who they are believe them the first time"
It sucks!!
Afloatsober- I just celebrated my 26 year anniversary. I will be married 26 years and 28 days to be exact. Sad, and I don't think I will ever understand alcoholism, but its my life.
I reached out to him (once again) about getting sober. He informed me "I would gladly try and work on marriage with you but you are not dictating when I drink or smoke." " I currently DO still have a job and and belong to 3 clubs that I am active in and XXX gig plus other work. ... (Plus, he loves me...) " This is what I received from him.
The old saying is "when people show you who they are believe them the first time"
It sucks!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
Priorities change when there is an addiction involved!!
For me alcohol became the sole focus of my day, when was I going to drink again, do I have enough alcohol in my house for tonight, how am I disposing of all the empties, will people smell it on my breath at work, am I over the limit driving.
Before I knew it everything else in life was pushed to the fringes, my goal in life became facilitating my next drink, it became an obsession, a constant thought process that dictated my daily activities.
I'm not sure on the question of "love", but when an addiction is concerned, everything else in life sadly, and regrettably, takes a back seat!!
For me alcohol became the sole focus of my day, when was I going to drink again, do I have enough alcohol in my house for tonight, how am I disposing of all the empties, will people smell it on my breath at work, am I over the limit driving.
Before I knew it everything else in life was pushed to the fringes, my goal in life became facilitating my next drink, it became an obsession, a constant thought process that dictated my daily activities.
I'm not sure on the question of "love", but when an addiction is concerned, everything else in life sadly, and regrettably, takes a back seat!!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Dublin, Ireland.
Posts: 739
Originally Posted by Purpleknight
Priorities change when there is an addiction involved!!
For me alcohol became the sole focus of my day, when was I going to drink again, do I have enough alcohol in my house for tonight, how am I disposing of all the empties, will people smell it on my breath at work, am I over the limit driving.
Before I knew it everything else in life was pushed to the fringes, my goal in life became facilitating my next drink, it became an obsession, a constant thought process that dictated my daily activities.
I'm not sure on the question of "love", but when an addiction is concerned, everything else in life sadly, and regrettably, takes a back seat!!
For me alcohol became the sole focus of my day, when was I going to drink again, do I have enough alcohol in my house for tonight, how am I disposing of all the empties, will people smell it on my breath at work, am I over the limit driving.
Before I knew it everything else in life was pushed to the fringes, my goal in life became facilitating my next drink, it became an obsession, a constant thought process that dictated my daily activities.
I'm not sure on the question of "love", but when an addiction is concerned, everything else in life sadly, and regrettably, takes a back seat!!
I loved my wife and certainly didn't want to leave her.
And I was happy to be around her when we were both drinking.
But she didn't want to drink all the time.
So I would sometimes do other things with her while thinking about getting away and going for a drink.
She certainly came a distant second to alcohol.
Now my little girl and wife both are the centre of my world.
It's bizarre how drink (or drugs) can take us from the ones we love.
Recovering ostrich
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Tampa Bay, Florida
Posts: 2,551
For me, I just wanted to turn off the thinking because I only thought how horrible everything was, including myself. Seems crazy now. I often wondered why she put up with me but she did. It's almost as if I pushed her far enough away, she would leave and I could have felt justification at how I didn't deserve love and she deserved better. Again, insanity.
I'm sorry for the pain that you're going through. Take care of yourself, work your recovery and get better. There is still a good happy life out there for you.
I'm sorry for the pain that you're going through. Take care of yourself, work your recovery and get better. There is still a good happy life out there for you.
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