Relationships & Relapse
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Chicago
Posts: 123
Relationships & Relapse
How have people dealt with relationships and breakups after recent sobriety? I decided to end mine tonight after a massive fight. I walked around for 3 hours fighting the urge to drink but I caved and bought a bottle of fireball whiskey because I thought it was worth it to delay the pain for a little while.
I'll be going to a SMART meeting tomorrow night, which is at least a start.
I don't know where to begin to look for a gf who doesn't drink and understands what I'm struggling with. I'm mostly just ranting here. Thanks for reading.
I'll be going to a SMART meeting tomorrow night, which is at least a start.
I don't know where to begin to look for a gf who doesn't drink and understands what I'm struggling with. I'm mostly just ranting here. Thanks for reading.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Chicago
Posts: 123
The loneliness would eat away at me. I need to find some friends.
The ironic part is that she didn't drink at all. She also didn't really care how much I drank.
I'd almost prefer if she said "Stop drinking or I'll leave you!".
The ironic part is that she didn't drink at all. She also didn't really care how much I drank.
I'd almost prefer if she said "Stop drinking or I'll leave you!".
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Central America/Florida USA
Posts: 4,064
Rant away, you're in the right place. That said, it sounds like you are currently drinking, and just had a massive fight with your GF and are already thinking about finding another partner...probably putting the cart before the horse here. Finding another girlfriend won't fix the problem, I reckon. You probably realize that as well.
I'd suggest taking some time to start working on sobriety. Sounds like you are going to a meeting tomorrow. Follow through, and start getting some clarity in your own life. You're never alone when you're fighting for sobriety, there are many out there both online and in real life that will be with you every step of the way. Good luck.
I'd suggest taking some time to start working on sobriety. Sounds like you are going to a meeting tomorrow. Follow through, and start getting some clarity in your own life. You're never alone when you're fighting for sobriety, there are many out there both online and in real life that will be with you every step of the way. Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Toronto
Posts: 3,195
My drinking directly lead to the end of a 6 year relationship. I went into rehab right after the breakup. When I sobered up, I realized I was never in love with her to begin with but I guess she stuck by me for so long as I descended into alcoholism.
After 6 months of being sober, I tried internet dating which lead to relapsing. It's hard to date complete strangers and not have a few drinks. I stopped the internet dating and I am happy to just be single as I work on myself. I don't really even know who I am to be honest...
After 6 months of being sober, I tried internet dating which lead to relapsing. It's hard to date complete strangers and not have a few drinks. I stopped the internet dating and I am happy to just be single as I work on myself. I don't really even know who I am to be honest...
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: South Florida
Posts: 160
Wastinglife, it's strange but I have the same exact story. It's like I wrote the comment! I'm personally avoiding dating again for a long time, at least a year, to figure myself out. My past relationships were very dysfunctional, and I numbed myself with
Alcohol to avoid dealing with it. I'm very lost in this department...
Alcohol to avoid dealing with it. I'm very lost in this department...
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 987
Hi GreenColor, thanks for the post.
I can only relate my experience but I started dating a friend (whom I had met in recovery) when I was a little over a year sober. I thought he was "safe" because we had been friends for a year prior and he was also an alcoholic so would "get me." They do have a saying that "two sickies don't make a wellie" but I didn't take that wisdom into account.
Needless to say, it didn't work out. I was nowhere near being able to handle a relationship and all the baggage that came with it, despite both of us having mutual friends and, separate, strong circles of support. All those feelings I had suppressed for years with drinking came bubbling right on up and I was NOT ready to handle them, despite a year of sobriety. Luckily we parted as friends but it certainly had the potential to have gone much differently. I also didn't drink but there were moments, even days and weeks of moments, where if I did not have this place, my recovery program, and friends, that would have also gone much differently.
So I'd take Big Sombrero's advice above and get yourself sober first and worry about relationships later. Like WAY later. And he is right when he said that you will never be alone when you're fighting for your sobriety. I have a more active and fulfilling social life and friendships now that I am sober than I did for the last five years I was drinking. If I feel lonely, that's about me, not about the availability of resources.
And filling a hole with drinking for years was enough. I don't need to start filling it with intimate relationships that risk my sobriety. When I'm ready, I'll know. You will too. Get yourself sober first, the rest will come naturally after you get yourself sorted out. I promise
I can only relate my experience but I started dating a friend (whom I had met in recovery) when I was a little over a year sober. I thought he was "safe" because we had been friends for a year prior and he was also an alcoholic so would "get me." They do have a saying that "two sickies don't make a wellie" but I didn't take that wisdom into account.
Needless to say, it didn't work out. I was nowhere near being able to handle a relationship and all the baggage that came with it, despite both of us having mutual friends and, separate, strong circles of support. All those feelings I had suppressed for years with drinking came bubbling right on up and I was NOT ready to handle them, despite a year of sobriety. Luckily we parted as friends but it certainly had the potential to have gone much differently. I also didn't drink but there were moments, even days and weeks of moments, where if I did not have this place, my recovery program, and friends, that would have also gone much differently.
So I'd take Big Sombrero's advice above and get yourself sober first and worry about relationships later. Like WAY later. And he is right when he said that you will never be alone when you're fighting for your sobriety. I have a more active and fulfilling social life and friendships now that I am sober than I did for the last five years I was drinking. If I feel lonely, that's about me, not about the availability of resources.
And filling a hole with drinking for years was enough. I don't need to start filling it with intimate relationships that risk my sobriety. When I'm ready, I'll know. You will too. Get yourself sober first, the rest will come naturally after you get yourself sorted out. I promise
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
As a willing victim of a 13th stepper in my first few weeks in AA, I can say that the experience was one of the most valuable learning exeriences I have had.
I was unable to form any kind of relationship in the last two years of my drinking. When I got sober, at age 22 and full of hormones, this relationship with someone 18 months sober looked like mana from heaven. I couldn't believe my luck. My prayers were answered, or so it seemed.
I did not know I was one in a long line, and the time quickly came where I had served my purpose and I found myself out on the street looking for somewhere to live.
There were a number of consequences that came up in the post rleationship period, and I experienced much resentment and powerlessness to say the least. Pain is the touchstone of all spiritual growth, so they say, and i stayed with AA and learned how to apply the steps in my life and in my situation. I learned so much, especially that the behaviour of others did not cause my alcoholism nor make me drink.
It was painful for sure, but the altenrative was to follow the rather lame mantra of no relationships for two years. If I had done that I would have learnt nothing.
I learned for one thing that this relationship was wrong for me, I was in it for the wrong reasons, it was a mistake. I also learned that if I was trying to live the AA program, God allows mistakes and I can learn from them rather than drink over them.
This and other experience leads me to conclude that relationships dont have any bearing on whether I get sober or not. That is not the same as being the unwilling victim of a predator which can obviously be very destructive.
I was unable to form any kind of relationship in the last two years of my drinking. When I got sober, at age 22 and full of hormones, this relationship with someone 18 months sober looked like mana from heaven. I couldn't believe my luck. My prayers were answered, or so it seemed.
I did not know I was one in a long line, and the time quickly came where I had served my purpose and I found myself out on the street looking for somewhere to live.
There were a number of consequences that came up in the post rleationship period, and I experienced much resentment and powerlessness to say the least. Pain is the touchstone of all spiritual growth, so they say, and i stayed with AA and learned how to apply the steps in my life and in my situation. I learned so much, especially that the behaviour of others did not cause my alcoholism nor make me drink.
It was painful for sure, but the altenrative was to follow the rather lame mantra of no relationships for two years. If I had done that I would have learnt nothing.
I learned for one thing that this relationship was wrong for me, I was in it for the wrong reasons, it was a mistake. I also learned that if I was trying to live the AA program, God allows mistakes and I can learn from them rather than drink over them.
This and other experience leads me to conclude that relationships dont have any bearing on whether I get sober or not. That is not the same as being the unwilling victim of a predator which can obviously be very destructive.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,414
I was terrified of being lonely too but until I got act together I really wasn't a very good partner.
Spending some time with myself in my own company was one of the best things I ever did. It stopped my loneliness for good and stopped me being terrified of being alone with the real me which is one of the main reasons I drank..
I really recommend it
D
Spending some time with myself in my own company was one of the best things I ever did. It stopped my loneliness for good and stopped me being terrified of being alone with the real me which is one of the main reasons I drank..
I really recommend it
D
Matt M
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 490
I was going to quit drinking when I was still with my ex just over four years ago. I was drinking heavily around that time but I read up about the dangers of alcohol withdrawal, so I said to her there is a slight change of plan I had to quit properly, ie tapering down.
She basically said it was a load of rubbish, I was being a wimp and she knew I wouldn't do it.
That pretty much caused me to drink even more and we split up soon after.
She basically said it was a load of rubbish, I was being a wimp and she knew I wouldn't do it.
That pretty much caused me to drink even more and we split up soon after.
Keeping it simple!
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Surrey, BC
Posts: 3,282
Personally I was glad I wasn't in any kind of relationship when I first quit drinking. Didn't need the added stress or want to have to worry about someone else.
I haven't been in one for years now and I am happy and I have no problem being by myself. If it ever happens for me it will happen if it is meant to be. I am certainly in no hurry and not actively seeking anyone out. Besides I like controlling the remote
.
I haven't been in one for years now and I am happy and I have no problem being by myself. If it ever happens for me it will happen if it is meant to be. I am certainly in no hurry and not actively seeking anyone out. Besides I like controlling the remote
.
A.K.A Bri
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Houston TX
Posts: 159
What a great topic! I've been thinking a lot about friendships and relationships lately too... For starters, GreenColor, from your first couple posts it sounds like you're maybe looking for a GF to fill whatever emptiness you're experiencing when in reality getting yourself together is more about working on and becoming comfortable with yourself than involving someone else before you're ready. Otherwise, you'll probably continue to attract people who reflect and enable the very behavior you're trying to change...
I'm still less than 90 days into my sobriety but I can say that since I've stopped drinking, I've remained single with the exception of my most recent [on again off again] relationship that is coming to a halt after 5 dysfunctional years. Since I've quit drinking I haven't seen my ex although he tries little ways to pop back into my life and where I use to be controlled by his behavior, I'm not anymore. My confidence in my independence is increasing... My overall happiness is increasing... I no longer need him to validate me. I genuinely enjoy doing things and spending time alone these days and have developed an appreciation for the "real me" I didn't even know existed when I was drinking. & the stronger and deeper into my sobriety I get, the more I realize that the last few years weren't even about "love" anymore. He was just all I knew and believed in.
I, like some of the others that have chimed in, can also say that being alone in recovery is actually very beneficial. Trust in the fact that you are stronger than you think you are right now. You CAN get through this alone for the time being, and in the end it will pay off and teach you so much about yourself. Plus, you've got us here at SR! I can't even begin to explain how beneficial this group has been since I found it.
-B
I'm still less than 90 days into my sobriety but I can say that since I've stopped drinking, I've remained single with the exception of my most recent [on again off again] relationship that is coming to a halt after 5 dysfunctional years. Since I've quit drinking I haven't seen my ex although he tries little ways to pop back into my life and where I use to be controlled by his behavior, I'm not anymore. My confidence in my independence is increasing... My overall happiness is increasing... I no longer need him to validate me. I genuinely enjoy doing things and spending time alone these days and have developed an appreciation for the "real me" I didn't even know existed when I was drinking. & the stronger and deeper into my sobriety I get, the more I realize that the last few years weren't even about "love" anymore. He was just all I knew and believed in.
I, like some of the others that have chimed in, can also say that being alone in recovery is actually very beneficial. Trust in the fact that you are stronger than you think you are right now. You CAN get through this alone for the time being, and in the end it will pay off and teach you so much about yourself. Plus, you've got us here at SR! I can't even begin to explain how beneficial this group has been since I found it.
-B
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: illinois
Posts: 907
I don't know if this is a mind trick type strategy or not, but I have used this.
based in my opinion that sobriety was a waste of time unless I wanted it: I'll be DAMNED if I let anyone else make me relapse.
often those with substance issues relate problems with control. if someone gets up in my grill enough to make me think about throwing in the towel, I remind myself that lifting the drink in response has given them control. ive already surrendered enough. screw that!
based in my opinion that sobriety was a waste of time unless I wanted it: I'll be DAMNED if I let anyone else make me relapse.
often those with substance issues relate problems with control. if someone gets up in my grill enough to make me think about throwing in the towel, I remind myself that lifting the drink in response has given them control. ive already surrendered enough. screw that!
Last edited by leviathan; 10-14-2014 at 08:33 AM. Reason: needed space
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
I was in a relationship during the last nearly 3 years of my drinking, but in the last year it wasn't very close since I detached myself from it quite a lot to spend my free time and energies on booze instead. When I sobered up, we went through a very interesting dynamic for few months, which was of course much more my dynamic than hers. It was actually good: we communicated tons, very honestly. But we were quite clearly drifting apart, again, mostly due to the changes I went through. Tried quite a few things to see if we could fix the ties and/or find a new destination to our relationship, but in the end it was pretty clear that it would not work, not in that era at least. So we broke up on mutual agreement, although I don't like the term "breakup" because we are still relatively good friends and close work colleagues, and that part is good. But we don't talk/do things outside of the work environment much anymore. So this wasn't any sort of painful breakup. It wasn't related to my drinking or not drinking per se, more about a new stage of personal development, for both of us. I still like and respect her a lot.
I feel I've learned so much about myself, my feelings, preferences, etc regarding interpersonal relationships since I sobered! In the first 2-3 months I did not care much about looking for new social life, but then I started getting out more, meeting new people, reconnecting with some old friends, etc. I've been out many times with a variety of people in the past several months and some could have clearly progressed into more than just being friends, but I have not felt up to that so far. Some causal fun occasionally yes, but I have not considered trying anything more serious so far in my sobriety. I'll get there though I'm sure. I don't feel insecure or afraid in this area now.
Green, I suggest that you focus on straightening out your life and establishing some solid sobriety right now, as an absolute priority. It really pays off!! Against loneliness, I suggest making new friends and not thinking about them as potential dates for the moment. Maybe some will even progress into more with time, but really, prioritize yourself and helpful, enriching, not draining and stressful human connections!
I feel I've learned so much about myself, my feelings, preferences, etc regarding interpersonal relationships since I sobered! In the first 2-3 months I did not care much about looking for new social life, but then I started getting out more, meeting new people, reconnecting with some old friends, etc. I've been out many times with a variety of people in the past several months and some could have clearly progressed into more than just being friends, but I have not felt up to that so far. Some causal fun occasionally yes, but I have not considered trying anything more serious so far in my sobriety. I'll get there though I'm sure. I don't feel insecure or afraid in this area now.
Green, I suggest that you focus on straightening out your life and establishing some solid sobriety right now, as an absolute priority. It really pays off!! Against loneliness, I suggest making new friends and not thinking about them as potential dates for the moment. Maybe some will even progress into more with time, but really, prioritize yourself and helpful, enriching, not draining and stressful human connections!
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 596
Originally Posted by GreenColor 
How have people dealt with relationships and breakups after recent sobriety? I decided to end mine tonight after a massive fight. I walked around for 3 hours fighting the urge to drink but I caved and bought a bottle of fireball whiskey because I thought it was worth it to delay the pain for a little while.
I'll be going to a SMART meeting tomorrow night, which is at least a start.
I don't know where to begin to look for a gf who doesn't drink and understands what I'm struggling with. I'm mostly just ranting here. Thanks for reading.
I'll be going to a SMART meeting tomorrow night, which is at least a start.
I don't know where to begin to look for a gf who doesn't drink and understands what I'm struggling with. I'm mostly just ranting here. Thanks for reading.
It's a matter of whether you are still psychologically addicted to alcohol. You turned to it when you broke up because you believe alcohol provides comfort or relief when you are feeling negative things. It doesn't. You only believe that because of your addiction. You never would have thought that to be true prior to when you first drank. Once you break your addiction, negative feelings will not drive you to drink because you know that alcohol will not help them.
SMART can help, good luck
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: BC
Posts: 7
My boyfriend and I have been together for five years now. When we first met we were both very heavy partiers. We had a falling out and split for a few months and after getting back together he had stopped drinking.
I on the other hand, tried, but kept failing over and over again. I started to realize that I indeed had a problem. Of course with me trying to quit all on my own lead to constant guilt and shame whenever I would turn to a bottle. Even through all of that my boyfriend still believed in me when I didn't. He stuck by my side, and I made the decision to go to rehab.
After being sober, though I do still have a long way to go, our relationship is stronger than ever. No secrets, we hide nothing from each other. I am extremely lucky to have someone stand by me when I hit my rock bottom.
I on the other hand, tried, but kept failing over and over again. I started to realize that I indeed had a problem. Of course with me trying to quit all on my own lead to constant guilt and shame whenever I would turn to a bottle. Even through all of that my boyfriend still believed in me when I didn't. He stuck by my side, and I made the decision to go to rehab.
After being sober, though I do still have a long way to go, our relationship is stronger than ever. No secrets, we hide nothing from each other. I am extremely lucky to have someone stand by me when I hit my rock bottom.
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