ScottFromWI

Bottom line, you need to stop beating yourself up and get help. I'd suggest rehab actually first. If your job is one that permits you to miss a week in a binge with no problem, you can afford to take a few days is a very structured rehabilitation environment. It will get you away from the other distractions as well. You wanted no sugar coating, so there it is. The next binge could very well be your last as others have mentioned. Yes...things are that bad. But there is help if you choose to seek it.

fini

ESD,

no one, and i mean NOT ONE PERSON here said ANYTHING that would indicate they believe you to be an ahole or anything resembling that.
i think that's you speaking to yourself, Lori.
you're not a jerk, you're a person who's struggling and unsure.
so you asked people here for their thoughts, their input. and from over here, it looks to me like you got lots of positive, supportive and clear, caring posts in return.

i hope you'll be able to see that, maybe in a bit of time.
i don't mean for this to sound condescending, but it might come across that way. in early sobriety, i was super-sensitive and felt pounced on and criticized by people who were actually pointing out what they heard me saying, after i'd asked them to tell me.

don't know if that might be the same for you.

ESD907

I hope I am...I go to the meeting this sat at ten. ITS the nearest church to me..its about 5 miles down the road. I'll simply tell my family I"m going walking...THEY are used to that..I do that a lot..I'll walk for hours on end....USUSALLY on weekend am's. I don't know what to expect. I"ve never done the AA thing. But I've realized I'm no better than anyone else. I'm not funny, or this isn't a lark. I'm a drunk... Even though I said it, I don't think I reallly believed it. I do now. I looked in t he mirror today..and was not thrilled.

ESD907

I'd love to rehab..not a chance in my life...but do I think I need it>...YES.

RobbyRobot

Well, you're not new to drinking. Its not as if you've finally figured out drinking is destructive. Quitting is usually ground hog day for most of us, yeah? I don't think you're misunderstanding your attraction to alcohol. It is difficult to face how we can continue to drink even though we understand the consequences. If it was just about consequences, wouldn't that be wonderful though, eh?

Lori, you're a smart girl. I'm not gonna successfully teach you what you obviously already realize, so lets be honest with what we got to work with here. You're not nearly as lost as you make it out to be, imo.

I suggest the effect you get from drinking is a huge attraction, even if the consequences are dire, chronic drinkers drink for effect, yeah?

fini

no, it's not a lark.

nothing funny about it.

ESD907

to DEE>..I've read and re read your message. ITS the one I"m going with ..I like it. I take something more than the others from it. Maybe its easier? I don't know? does it appeal more to me? YES. Dee Thanks..I needed it.

ScottFromWI

So make it happen. There is always a way if you truly seek it. Your life could literally depend on it. Maybe you don't do full inpatient and do some kind of IOP. Or perhaps meetings, counseling and SR. Maybe a combo of all of that above.

You can end this though, it's not too late. We can help.

ESD907

I'd love to go to rehab..not a chance. I'll give you guys an update on me, when I can. Bye.

Mountainmanbob

towards the end of my drinking days I started blacking out
I wish not to bore you with all of the bad things I did while blacked out

save yourself and your friends and loved ones from the pain to come

for if alcoholic -- it don't get any better -- unless we stop drinking

Bob

gaffo

In my opinion, you absolutely have to do it for yourself and to do that you need to love yourself, or at least keep the faith that you are lovable to yourself. Everything flows from that faith and love. Don't give up, please!

ESD907

I really like all the input...but there is no way i'll get to go to rehab. I wish I could. But not a chance. I'll just go thru the motions.......when my youngest is 16, maybe i will go off. but not now. I will be as sober as I can. I wil talk the talk, walk the walk.
'

silentrun

You asked for it right between the eyes Lori so here it is.
That makes no sense. Why would you wait to go to rehab? Either you can quit now and won't need it by then or you are planning to wait until then.
It sounds like you are honestly fessing up to being an alcoholic but you are not fessing to what that means. When I decided to quit it was right on the spot. Not only did I realize that I was in huge trouble I understood that drinking any longer would totally destroy my life and I would be bringing my family down with me. It doesn't have to end like that for either of us Lori. You do have a choice here. There is nothing good left in alcohol land for us. All the fun is over there is just misery there.
It didn't occur to me to go to rehab or AA. I was 5 weeks in when I found this site. I wouldn't have wanted to go but if I had tried to quit on my own and couldn't I would have gone. Do whatever you have to do to get your power back.

RobbyRobot

ESD907

I think that is my size. Lots to think about.

RecklessEric

There's more than one way to get sober.
But all of them need commitment.
"My life is too busy", "my kids are too you/need me", all of this is just a distraction.
Sure your kids need you.
But if you have a drink problem, you won't be fully available to them anyway.
Unless you quit.
I used to think of all sorts of reasons not to get help.
And they were all valid, to a point. As in, yes, my job did think it was a big deal for me to take time to go to rehab.
Yes, my wife has a healthy relationship with drink, as do my friends, so of course it will have a big impact on how I live.

But all of these things had to be put into perspective.
I couldn't do my job properly and I would be fired if someone realised I was working having had some vodka before I went in.
My wife would leave me if I continued to drink like I did and the evidence is there that I cannot drink "normally".
My friends like me better when I'm not acting like a drunken maniac.

Stop coming up with reasons not to get sober, my friend.
Make a plan, be serious about it and put every bit of energy you have into it.
And use this place.
I hung onto my computer when I was going through the heavy stuff and got great help and support here.

I really wish you well, my friend.

Sudz No More

You know how most of us say, there's no better time than today. It can be your last if you really want it to be. Don't find out you've waited too long at some point.

freshstart57

OK, ESD907. Here goes. You are not a jerk. You are making some bad decisions that are destroying your life, and the lives of those around you. You will lose your kids and your home. You will lose your job. You will lose your friends. You will lose your physical health, and you will lose your mental health. These things will happen one at a time, slowly or quickly, but they will happen. This is a guarantee.

You can choose to quit drinking, and then quit. You can have all those things that are important to you, or you can drink, but you can't do both. So, you have a choice, and this choice is made by your actions. You will get one shot at this, one attempt.

What is your choice? Are you ready to make this decision? Are you ready to make your plan about ever drinking again?

Aellyce

ESD... I' ve just read through this thread. So sorry you are struggling like this. Being confused about time, and being this desperate about survival and yet resisting help and getting better is a very painful place to be. I've been there my own way.

Do you honestly ask yourself why you truly resist going to rehab or getting other forms of help? Still thinking something might magically happen/change, and you will pull it together on your own by "going through the motions"? You are afraid of losing yourself and failing, but you are also afraid of making steps to get better. I think having a leap of faith that things can improve is a good thing, but it's quite unlikely to happen without our contribution to the process. If you no longer trust yourself, why not make a leap of faith and trust others that may have the skills and experience to help you? Maybe you are afraid of leaving your kids and other responsibilities, but you will most certainly "leave" (lose) many of these things and hurt both yourself and others if you remain in this state. I have never seen or heard of a miracle happen that removed someone from it passively.

You may resist changes and help because you feel paralyzed by the fear of uncertainty, not knowing what to do and what may happen in the future. But this is exactly the state when it may be most beneficial to accept the help and put your faith in learning things you don't know how to do. If for nothing else, why not? What do you have to lose by trying? And what do you have to lose by not changing anything?

lebroncavs

I know how you feel. I lose almost every week. I'm not happy about it. I'm very sad.