Things so far
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 204
Things so far
Life?
So here i am a year later, sober and working again. It's a seasonal job and so i'll be out of here when the tours' up in a couple of months then it's visiting people for the holidays and then back out west. At least i'll have unemployment which will pay the rent for a few months as i'm looking at the cheapest SRO type place i can find.
After the worst of withdrawal was over i felt damn great even if i was homeless and penniless. Once tax season came around i knew i would have money to make a move with and so i began checking out job leads and regions. The Dakotas, Alaska, west Texas, whereever i can get things going again. Sure enough i got a call from one of my past coworkers and jumped on a bus. A couple of thousand miles later, here i am. Now that homelessness is out of the picture for now i have to figure on getting past the level where i've spent the majority of my life, which is absolutely going nowhere. The big difference this time is that i have a shot at something big, a true one hundred percent life changer. High risk, high reward. Plans are already complete, having run through the scenarios for years. Only things left is sharpening the edge and waiting.
Some misery managed to make a comeback. Depression, self doubt, self loathing, full realization of lack of desireable social traits or skills, awareness of age and waste of a life, hopelessly stuck in the past pondering what ifs. A sober life can be pretty much crap if you are damaged. You don't cope, you endure. Maybe things will be different when i get back to the real world. Have to be totally focused and prepared to do battle.
So here i am a year later, sober and working again. It's a seasonal job and so i'll be out of here when the tours' up in a couple of months then it's visiting people for the holidays and then back out west. At least i'll have unemployment which will pay the rent for a few months as i'm looking at the cheapest SRO type place i can find.
After the worst of withdrawal was over i felt damn great even if i was homeless and penniless. Once tax season came around i knew i would have money to make a move with and so i began checking out job leads and regions. The Dakotas, Alaska, west Texas, whereever i can get things going again. Sure enough i got a call from one of my past coworkers and jumped on a bus. A couple of thousand miles later, here i am. Now that homelessness is out of the picture for now i have to figure on getting past the level where i've spent the majority of my life, which is absolutely going nowhere. The big difference this time is that i have a shot at something big, a true one hundred percent life changer. High risk, high reward. Plans are already complete, having run through the scenarios for years. Only things left is sharpening the edge and waiting.
Some misery managed to make a comeback. Depression, self doubt, self loathing, full realization of lack of desireable social traits or skills, awareness of age and waste of a life, hopelessly stuck in the past pondering what ifs. A sober life can be pretty much crap if you are damaged. You don't cope, you endure. Maybe things will be different when i get back to the real world. Have to be totally focused and prepared to do battle.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
Congrats on the 1 year thats awesome.
I dunno you've seemed to have gone somewhere this past year. Why do you need a destination maybe nowhere is somewhere? Make sure your happy with what is that way if you get "somewhere" you'll be happy there as well.
Thats something I'm working really hard on myself. Happiness is right here right now for me but I just gotta seize it. I'm not always so good I tend to look at somewhere or something ahead all the time too.
which is absolutely going nowhere.
Thats something I'm working really hard on myself. Happiness is right here right now for me but I just gotta seize it. I'm not always so good I tend to look at somewhere or something ahead all the time too.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 525
Great job Carbonized! You've accomplished something difficult, challenging and something many people aren't able to. It takes focus, struggling through pain, grappling with cravings, and fighting a host of demons. Well done!
You called yourself 'damaged'. And I'm sure you'll look back at the past to find reasons to keep up that belief. But I've learned that keeping that idea in your head 'I'm damaged', 'I made mistakes that's why life sucks' is something you are doing to yourself. You don't have to keep those ideas in your head and beat yourself up. Because many extremely successful people have the same exact feelings that you are experiencing.
So I ask myself "Where do these feelings come from?" It's not just our past that creates them. Many good good people are lost in depressions and sometimes act violently towards themselves, because they believe they are 'damaged'.
So don't lock in the belief that 'because of my past, I'm doomed to only enduring life, instead of enjoying life'.
It does take effort. But with effort you can start to feel good and loving towards yourself, but it is possible, and you can leave your past behind. But the feeling of self-love won't just happen naturally. You have to cultivate that self-opinion, like mental exercise.
Congrats on your major accomplishment.
Originally Posted by Carbonized 
Some misery managed to make a comeback. Depression, self doubt, self loathing, full realization of lack of desireable social traits or skills, awareness of age and waste of a life, hopelessly stuck in the past pondering what ifs. A sober life can be pretty much crap if you are damaged. You don't cope, you endure. Maybe things will be different when i get back to the real world. Have to be totally focused and prepared to do battle.
You called yourself 'damaged'. And I'm sure you'll look back at the past to find reasons to keep up that belief. But I've learned that keeping that idea in your head 'I'm damaged', 'I made mistakes that's why life sucks' is something you are doing to yourself. You don't have to keep those ideas in your head and beat yourself up. Because many extremely successful people have the same exact feelings that you are experiencing.
So I ask myself "Where do these feelings come from?" It's not just our past that creates them. Many good good people are lost in depressions and sometimes act violently towards themselves, because they believe they are 'damaged'.
So don't lock in the belief that 'because of my past, I'm doomed to only enduring life, instead of enjoying life'.
It does take effort. But with effort you can start to feel good and loving towards yourself, but it is possible, and you can leave your past behind. But the feeling of self-love won't just happen naturally. You have to cultivate that self-opinion, like mental exercise.
Congrats on your major accomplishment.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 204
Originally Posted by AcceptingChange
Great job Carbonized! You've accomplished something difficult, challenging and something many people aren't able to. It takes focus, struggling through pain, grappling with cravings, and fighting a host of demons. Well done!
You called yourself 'damaged'. And I'm sure you'll look back at the past to find reasons to keep up that belief. But I've learned that keeping that idea in your head 'I'm damaged', 'I made mistakes that's why life sucks' is something you are doing to yourself. You don't have to keep those ideas in your head and beat yourself up. Because many extremely successful people have the same exact feelings that you are experiencing.
So I ask myself "Where do these feelings come from?" It's not just our past that creates them. Many good good people are lost in depressions and sometimes act violently towards themselves, because they believe they are 'damaged'.
So don't lock in the belief that 'because of my past, I'm doomed to only enduring life, instead of enjoying life'.
It does take effort. But with effort you can start to feel good and loving towards yourself, but it is possible, and you can leave your past behind. But the feeling of self-love won't just happen naturally. You have to cultivate that self-opinion, like mental exercise.
Congrats on your major accomplishment.
You called yourself 'damaged'. And I'm sure you'll look back at the past to find reasons to keep up that belief. But I've learned that keeping that idea in your head 'I'm damaged', 'I made mistakes that's why life sucks' is something you are doing to yourself. You don't have to keep those ideas in your head and beat yourself up. Because many extremely successful people have the same exact feelings that you are experiencing.
So I ask myself "Where do these feelings come from?" It's not just our past that creates them. Many good good people are lost in depressions and sometimes act violently towards themselves, because they believe they are 'damaged'.
So don't lock in the belief that 'because of my past, I'm doomed to only enduring life, instead of enjoying life'.
It does take effort. But with effort you can start to feel good and loving towards yourself, but it is possible, and you can leave your past behind. But the feeling of self-love won't just happen naturally. You have to cultivate that self-opinion, like mental exercise.
Congrats on your major accomplishment.
Perhaps i need to see if this will subside in time. Maybe i can get a hold of something when i get out of here as i will have decent money and have plenty of connections for pharmaceuticals. I'm also beginning to look for a therapist who can help me find cope with the worst of my problems. It'll be only two-three sessions or so as i will be on the move yet again. I guess time will tell. so i'll just keep doing the same everyday until it's time to leave. At least i don't have to rely on drinking just to make life tolerable.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
