gardendiva

I don't feel bad about it. I don't feel good about it. I'm ambivalent.

I cannot drink moderately or safely. I know this. Alcohol is killing me, I know this too.

All summer I was so motivated in my recovery and now I'm so apathetic about it.

I'm not sure what I'm looking for with this post, just trying to keep it honest.

yinzer

You surely need some self love to make you feel better about recovery.
Because you're worth not dying for alcohol.

SoberLeigh

Can you define what changed inside you - what made you flip from motivated to apathetic?

gardendiva

Depression. Yes, I know it's not a fix, but it makes me forget I'm depressed. Stupid, I know.

SoberLeigh

Depression can be really tough; have you talked to your doctor about it?

awuh1

I believe that in every mistake there is a lession.

If depression leads you back to alcohol, then take action to address the depression. There's much that can be done to releave depression. I'd start with a professional evaluaion.

The longer you use alcohol to address this problem the larger both problems are likely to become.

When I quit I had to address both both depression and drinking at the same time. I still need to be proactive in order to keep the depression at bay.

It can be done.

biminiblue

What can you do to change it, GD?

Most of my depression was caused by my thought patterns. I had to completely challenge the way I viewed life. It was a very bad habit, indeed.

Have you read any Cognitive Behavior literature?

The biggest factor in my depression was alcohol - it kept me pinned down. I couldn't catch a break in my psyche until I put it away and I could find my feet again. Then it took a couple months for me to switch my thoughts to solutions instead of dwelling on problems. I still have my moments, but they are moments now instead of days or weeks.

heath480

The longer you drink for ,the worse you will feel,Alcohol will never make anything better for you.

Please get medical help for your depression,it can get better with the correct treatment.

Gilmer

(((gardendiva)))

The ideas about arresting the depression at the source are good.

Keep reading and posting here, especially in the Newcomers' forum. The stories of misery and the consequent exhortations (call them peer pressure if you will) might bring your resolve back around.

Ellay

Dealing with depression really sucks. From reading your post, I sense a flat line. That is no way to live...you deserve to be happy, and healthy! And working in your garden I agree with the others, do you have a trusted Dr you can go to? In the past I have written down everything I was feeling -my list went something along these lines " drinking too much...feeling anxious....feeling overwhelmed....can't smile....agitated...can't concentrate...sleeping but not feeling rested" I had to write everything down because once I sat in the room, my mind went blank and I couldn't adequately explain what was going on. Hugs to you!

walkbeformakrun

If this is a relapse then you have been sober, recently. Remember how you got sober? Remember how that felt? Want some more of that?

Best wishes GD.

Anna

Gardendiva, Please talk to your dr about the depression. When I was depressed, I was far too apathetic to begin recovery. I truly didn't care. It took finding an antidepressant that worked for me to level the playing field and give me a fighting chance.

Soberwolf

All of the above and try this

50 Essential Tips To Help You Stay Clean And Sober

CScott

Meditation, or just any type of mindfulness activity, can help about the depression. Mindfulness and meditation help center you in the present moment. Check with a therapist about it, it really does wonders.

Dee74

The ambivalence is part of the addiction GardenDiva.

The fact you're here posting shows a little bit of you cares tho.
The thing is to fan that little ember.

Trying for a day one can do a lot to help that?

D

fotographia

Please get help for your depression, and alcoholism or other substance abuse (if you use other drugs besides alcohol) you're worth it.

Hasluck21

I recommend SoberWolf's 50 tips. Great advice
Using alcohol (and drugs) uses up precious neurotransmitters giving a short term lift leaving none for the rest of your life. The depression can't get better whilst you still use. Many of the items in SoberWolf's list will increase the good neurotransmitters and above all starting again at Day 1

RobbyRobot

Not as stupid as you may think, Diva. Depression is treatable even if not actually fixable. Alcohol does in fact bring some relief, but the drunkenness on top of the depression is really crushing, as any of us who have self-medicated with booze knows all to well.

I don't really see your drinking actions as being stupid. I do see such actions as desperate and self-destructive, and the little bit of relief when you're in the zone isn't anywhere worth the consequences that comes with drinking.

Give yourself some credit for at least trying to self-medicate. That attitude can be morphed into real opportunities for discovering healthy alternatives. Putting the drink down may seem impossible at first, and yet if you keep drinking things will only worsen eventually.

Seriously. Think about better ways to ease your suffering with depression. Don't beat yourself up anymore, Diva.

Cow

Aha, here is my Guinea Pig! Poor Guinea Pig. Cow got nothing for you but cuddles, cuz I not has found solution to resistant and catastrophic depressions and anhedonia either. But we has to keep working on it, yes, even if is at a crawl, or one step forward and two step back, and/or other such cliches.

ESD907

Cow...I want to help you. we all want to help. can we?