lynx914

All week I have been trying to think positively, I have been thinking about all the possibilities now that I am in recovery and I have come to accept that alcohol simply can't be a part of my life. I have been looking into creating new sober spaces for myself, like putting in more job applications (my old job was a bar so I quit) and looking for my own house etc.

But last night I had a really horrible dream that revolved around alcohol and involved a lot of people who I used to have toxic relationships with. I woke up feeling like you do when you're hungover; full of dread and anxiety. I then had a counselling session that was really unhelpful. I left it feeling worst than when I'd gone in, full of self loathing and blame. I'm really in a downward spiral atm, feeling like I can't forgive myself for my mistakes and like I am toxic.

Almost everything I have ever done that I regret has involved alcohol and now that I have accepted that I know that the future will be better but I can't forgive myself and let go. it's really knocking my confidence and making it harder to take positive steps forward. anyone any advice?

huntingtontx

Sometimes it is hard to let go, but when you stopped drinking you left the old man behind. You can do this. None of us are proud of everything we have done. We have to forgive ourselves and move on. We are all here for you. Be kind to yourself, try treating yourself as you would someone you love. You will learn to love yourself. You are in my prayers.

lynx914

That's really kind and helpful Huntingtontx, I hadn't thought about it like that. If it was someone I loved in my position or anyone else for that matter I'd never think and say to them the things I think and say to myself.

Being kind to yourself is definitely one of the hardest things to do.

Wastinglife

Hi Lynx, I have been stuck in the same rut of self-loathing as you. I have good days and bad days but often struggle with guilt and shame for the things that happened as a result of my alcoholism.

I have been sober since last December but only now facing my past with a clear head. I have been having a lot of trouble with ruminating on past events and they seem to endlessly replay in my mind.

I know we need to forgive ourselves and move on, but I can't seem to control my thoughts. I think the best thing for us now is just give ourselves a little time to heal and accept the past. I never dealt with any emotions when I was drinking so I am being bombarded with stuff that's been waiting for years to reach my consciousness.

Climber122

There is actually a completely normal occurrence for us called "drunk dreams." It's your sub-conscious wrestling with sobriety. It's actually much like OCD symptoms in which new mothers fear throwing their newborns, when in fact that is the last thing they would want to do. These dreams actually show you fully, even subconsciously fear taking a drink, and that's an okay fear to have for us to have! The mind is a very complex thing...

But the bad vibes and scare you likely had from the dream may have colored the rest of your day negatively. This is why we say we work this thing 24 hours at a time. If today sucks, that's okay - just cut it loose tonight. Days will suck. But if you get to bed sober tonight you still win! Tomorrrow will take care of itself. Hang in there - sounds like you're doing exactly what you need to be doing right now.

Soberpotamus

Why not imagine you have a friend in your same situation... used to be a drinker, and now is sober... feeling ashamed and guilty for past behavior. How would you perceive this person? Would you be inclined to see them as someone who is overcoming an addiction, someone who is a strong person and wants to overcome their past? You probably wouldn't berate them or kick them when they're down, right? You'd show some understanding and compassion.

And so that person is you Show yourself some understanding, acceptance and compassion. We are not our past. We live in the present.

readerbaby71

I had a lot of guilt for a long time. Then I realized that it wasn't doing me any good. Buddhism, meditation, and giving up my quest for perfection helped me to reach that point.

I made amends to some people, and there are some things I did that will always make me cringe. You just have to get through it. Feel the guilt and let it go. Drinking will only create more pain. Hang in there. You can make it through. xoxoxo

lynx914

Thank you all for your replies, they really helped me feel a lot better than I did before I wrote this post. It's really hard to not ruminate, I spent so much of today creating a mental list of all my mistakes/ failures/ reasons to be hard on myself. It's good to know that other people are experiencing the same types of thoughts. But like some of you were saying, I would never judge anyone else as harshly as I judge myself and I would definitely commend anyone who works to overcome their problems. Like everyone on this site!!!

From now on I'm going to try and keep that in mind when I am starting to think in that negative cycle. If it was one of my friends instead of me I'd want to comfort them and show them love, not be horrible to them.

Recovery was never gonna be easy or simple and it was always going to end up bringing up painful emotions and memories. But at least I'm starting to deal with my problems. At least I'm not living in denial anymore and I've accepted my need for sobriety.

Tonight I'm going to bed sober!! Yay! so As you say Climber122 that's a success

And tomorrow I might wake up having had a drunk dream (a really interesting phenomenon, which explains a lot of my dreams to me) but at least I won't be waking up hungover and hating myself!

I'm going to bed feeling much more positive that I did throughout the day! Thanks again 1 day at a time is definitely true!

readerbaby71

I'm glad you're feeling better! xo

fini

sometimes what i do with negative thought-spirals is to visualize them as threads, and then i ta scissors and go SNIP!
and now look at that leaf falling off the tree. and hear that bird chirping. dog barking. smell the coffee.

works quite well. refocus outside myself.