fotographia

Has anyone else here had difficulty making friends or meeting people since they got sober?

Since I no longer party I don't go out as much aside from work, or running errands. I do have friends but a lot of them do drink or use other drugs, and I don't see them nearly as much as I did when we would go out to a bar, club, or get together to drink or use.

I don't hang out with people who I work with outside of work, because I see them 5X a week, and that's enough.

ESD907

assuming you are young. I think it would be much harder young. As you age, you enjoy your own company a lot. I really can't give advice since I'm so out of the loop. but here goes. Do you like to read? get books. DO you like to kayak? go to your downtown lake area if you have one, and rent kayaks. I know it sounds dumb, but its a load of fun. You also meet a lot of diff people. DUE to kayaking, I've had friends, which for much of my adult life I didn't have.

mpr

I lost a bunch of friends when I became sober but were those real friends, probably not. Others I kept I had less contact with as our interests differed.

New friends well that is tough too, alcohol is usually a common denominator a lot of times. Like ESD said it is tougher when you are younger. I think as you get older you just simply care less. Most people once they hit 30 are either A. obsessed with work/career B. wife/kids C. are still partying like they were 20. Chat with friends over coffee and catch up, catch a movie, do something active - hiking etc.. If you sign up for something like that you will automatically meet new people and most people doing active stuff aren't party animals usually.

ESD907

so I think both me and mpr have pretty much same advice. FIND something you like and do it...the friends will likely come. in the early days, don't expect much, just learn your new'thing'. before you know it, you meet others. ALSO. don't shut out people out of your own age group. I can't believe how many people I know have out of my own age range. I've a teen friend, and I've one who is 79. I never would've thought it. I used to think of friends as sort of co horts...No longer. friends are people you simply enjoy spending time with.

mpr

Right. Even when I first got sober I actually wanted 'ME' time. I needed to get back to myself before I really wanted to be around others. This time varies person to person, if they need it at all. It can also help curb temptation if you don't think you can be around others. Newly into sobriety and you meet up with some friends(new or old) you don't want to be explaining why you can't drink etc.. It can be awkward to say the least.

Basically your true friends will understand when you say you don't want to drink and tell new friends you simply don't drink, thats about it.

ESD907

mpr....I recently had a b'fast..my kids as usual rolled their eyes, Until one of my 'friends' came in..he's 19 and really cute (to a teen girl). she was like MOM, how do you know him. I said, come with me. Kayaing on Sunday Mornings on the big lake is great. I also have friends who are terminal and I visit them during the week, just to talk. I tell you, my life in many ways has never been better. YET, it some, its never been worse. THIS is where we weigh it all out. THIS is where we decide, we'll keep pushing thru.

ESD907

...and btw, I use the imagery of guns in both hands often.

mpr

Age is pretty trivial I agree. Many old people are immature and maybe young ones are wise. I look beyond the age factor these days as well. I just look for a connection, age isn't a issue.

endlesspatience

I know this sounds pretty basic advice but I would suggest in the broadest terms "doing things for other people" is the best way to make friends and support your own recovery. At the AA meeting I went to last night a lot of people were moaning about things that were wrong in their life. But most of the moaners aren't doing anything to improve anybody else's situation.

A bit of service or a bit of volunteering in some capacity or other is a fantastic thing that we can offer now we're sober and it helps keep us sober too. That's a very clear message I get from the Big Book, anyway.

ESD907

Endless has some great advice.

Joe Nerv

A lot of people talk about the importance of the "program" part of AA as opposed to the "fellowship" side. For me, both were equally important. And in my first year of sobriety the fellowship part was absolutely essential.

I was never a person who wanted to make AA my entire life, and aside from that first year (maybe 2) I haven't. But the people in AA taught me how enjoy life sober, without ever feeling like an oddball, or left out of anything. I needed people who thought like me, felt like me, and had the same experiences as me to hold my hand and teach me that the world wasn't all about alcohol. I made lots of friends, got involved in lots of activities, did service work that didn't feel like service work, and got over pretty much all my irrational fears. By the time I was 2 years sober I decided to go to college, and by my 2nd, maybe 3rd year of college I was able to function just like anyone else, yet with absolutely no desire to drink. I got involved in theater, went out with people after shows, participated in the crazy parties, did my share of fun and crazy things... yet didn't pick up a single drink, and more importantly, didn't miss it or want to.

Today I have a few close friends that are from AA, but most of the people in my life are non alcoholic, non partying people. My wife (who I met in sobriety) has a couple of drinks a year, at most. That 2 year heavy investment in AA was priceless considering all I've gotten back from it. I'm grateful that at the time I got sober, I really didn't have much choice as to what to do. For me, it was either go to AA, or drink and die. If given any other options I might have taken them.

ESD907

JOE. I think when we finally know who we are and we truly get it, we are ok. Many of us drinkers, IMO, were shy, so many of us drank to 'get rid of that' . YeT sober, we are afraid of US. But when you accept its who you are, its okay. I like to read. I like to go on the beach with one of those metal detectors, as geeky as it looks...I no longer give a damn what anyone thinks. And Joe, my dad was sober for over 30 years with AA. HE did make it a big part of his life. In fact, at his wake, most of teh attendees were from AA....only a few from his IBM days. and you know who actually came by in the weeks and months after? the AA guys. SO?

Joe Nerv

Just want to be clear that I wasn't knocking AA nor the people that make it their life. I still go . I think I was just jumping the gun a bit and being overly cautious with the OP... as AA had not yet been mentioned. I know a lot of people are resistant to AA becasue they don't consider it the "real" world. Ironically, it's much more real than what I considered real while drinking.

Also, I always had a gnawing desire to pick myself up one of those metal detectors. I live pretty close to the beach, too. I just might actually do it one day. Don't know if you are, or ever was a fan of the Rolling Stones, but the original bass player (Bill Wyman), after quitting the band got heavily into combing beaches with a metal detector. So much so that he puts out his own https://www.billwymandetector.com/ .

ESD907

JOE...I did not think that at all. not one bit. and the metal detectors are great. Imagine how good you'd do right now at brighten or manhattan beach ...I'm a huge RS fan. Its what gets me thru 7-9 miles on the ellipitical thingy daily. I love the hard stuff. I'm not a Angie girl..I like the stuck that gets me moving..same for ac/dc.

fotographia

OK I'm not in AA/NA. I have never been to a meeting. I did explain why in another thread (see here: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...alcoholic.html).

I have nothing against AA/NA but it's just not something I have been to.

I'm in my early 30s not sure if that's young, or not?

SoberCAH

I got sober when I was 31 years old, foto.

I have plenty of friends and plenty of fun.

It was a revelation to me that a good bit of the rest of the world doesn't go to a bar or commence drinking each time the sun goes down.

I certainly did.

Glad you are here, amigo.

Take care,


CAH