Relapse...how do I get back on the wagon?
 

I am back at square one.
After 7+ months of not drinking I am sitting here fighting with my partner about me falling into old pattersn. If the booze wasn't here it would be a different story but it's here...and I can't say no. At least I feel like I can't say no.
That addictive voice is so strong.
He thinks a month down the road I will be back to where I was...
Still drinking.
Maybe he's right?
I don't know. OMFG.
I don't EFFING KNOW and now he is saying that he won't put up with it and I don't blame him!!! How can I put him through this whole bull again?! But how come when he tried to pour all the gawddamn booze down the sink did I have a near nervous breakdown again and tightly held onto two last beers and am drinking them in secret.
Of course he doesn't want to talk to me for the rest of the night....
I don't want to go back down this road.
How do I get back on the wagon? How do I recover from this relapse? How can I figure this all out...without his support? I don't expect it...but...

I am so totally lost.

Welcome back :)

What did you do to stay sober those 7 months Bayliss?

you've proven you can get sober...that's half the battle...perhaps what you need to do now is work out what else you need to do to stay sober?

D

Hey Dee,

I need to not become complacent. I need to continuously work at it. But for some reason I thought to myself...why do I always have to work on being sober? I want to lead a normal life.....look where that got me. A drinking life isn't normal......
I need to keep working at it.

bayliss. DO you really look like that photo? its not really important, but IF you do, Im really envious. anwya. whats going on? why did you drink. how can you put him thru this again? I'd like to know more about you both. btw, booze is never good. well in excess, adn thats why we are all here, no?

Bayliss...why do you think normal means drinking? do you know there are millions of people worldwide who never have had a drink?ITS more abnormal to drink. I realize I'm out there right now. IN the western world, where most of us reside, there are drinks. BUT even in our world, many never drink.

ESD907. That's not me in the photo. But close to it anyways...if you were to ask someone. And don't be envious...you wouldn't want my problems.
Hm...why do I think drinking is 'normal'? Because 98% of people I know drink. Are all of them 'normal' drinkers....maybe not? But....when you come down to it....a lot of people drink. I know more drinkers then non drinkers...and that isn't because of who I hung around with because I didn't hang around with anyone.

Hmm...how can I put him through this? I wish I knew...how could I put myself threw this? We are taught in early sobriety to put me, myself and I first...aren't we?? So why would I stop now? I am being selfish now...100%...but I wish he understood that I wasn't doing this to hurt him in any way....I am only hurting myself.
Why did I drink? Because it felt good. I was going through BS anxiety and OCD that is only getting worse...and of course anxiety only gets worse with drinking, but man, does it feel good not to overthink things for a while - and it helped the OCD. I guess I became complacent. I really did. Sadly....if i changed my game up, maybe I wouldn't be here...but I am..

And I really wish that I wasn't.

I don't think the way we drink is normal Bayliss, and the life we lead trying to accommodate that drinking is madness.

I think our best shot at normalcy is to stay sober :)

D

I understand that. And I agree with it. So how do I get back on this wagon again?
I guess what you wrote says it all. It is madness.....
But we all know how hard it is to get back to that day 1....how easy it is to fall into old patterns...and to go with it. I don't want to go with it. I don't understand myself anymore...

bayliss...I think we now know youare a beauty, and thats okay. IF i had your looks, I'd be flaunting...anyway, you hve been sober. what brought you to that point first/ why did you think it was necessary? to stop drinking initially? ws it something internallly? I'd like to help you...., I'd like to help anyone who wants it.

bayliss. YOU simply need a parent here. I'll be her. BAYLISS. stop drinking. its not a good thing for you. You are allergic to alcohol. it makes you do crazy things. I know it was stupid. but? .

If you can't do it on your own it's probably time to run down that list of options again Bayliss:

*AA or some other group?
*seeing your Dr?
*getting a referral to an addiction counsellor?
* inpatient or outpatient rehab?

D

That ESD...what is your name? If I may ask....
And how very sweet of you to call me a beauty....amidst all this ********...it makes me feel good.
Why did I stop drinking? Hm....because I had to. Because I hated myself...and my life...and I realized after all this time of sobriety that I was the problem...
I also remember a very distinct point in time where I stared at a bottle of medication and I thought..."well, now...what's the point anymore of I keep going at this rate?".
No one knows this. This is my first time sharing it. But yes...I was close to just calling it quits.
And I was about to lose myself too....that's why I stopped.

Oh and I also stopped because I didn't think I would last a week...and I didn't plan on it...little did I know...with hard work and determination. So maybe this is why I relapsed....because I never wanted sobriety in the first place??

But I know deep down I did. Or else I wouldn't be here since 2011!

I know Dee.
I did go to AA....it isn't for me. How many people have said that before but I tried it for 2 years....
I am seeing an addictions counsellor.
I am seeing my doctor.
Rehab is not an option. I am broke.

I just need to try harder I guess.
Or..I will just end up...well, I don't want to know where.

There are many other groups too. One of them might be for you?

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html

D

Thanks Dee. Will check that out. I'll take anything I can get at this point.

I can understand the anxiety ocd stuff, I obsess over a lot of pointless things.
Don't beat yourself up, Don't over think it, just Don't drink tomorrow.
You've done it before, and extra help is here and out there like Dee said.

Bayliss. MY name is Lorraine.

It sounds as though you're frightened that your partner may be right, that you'll back where you were in a month's time. I doesn't have to be that way.

You commented that you drank because it calmed your nerves and quieted your mind. OCD and other diagnosed anxiety disorders are serious conditions that get worse, not better, when left untreated. I hope you're seeing someone for this.

Thanks Pulltight - I won't drink today...

Nice to meet you Lorraine. Maybe we can PM?

EndGame - you're right...I am not so much afraid that my partner is right...I know my partner is right...I am afraid of what he thinks...then again, I am afraid of throwing it all away.
I am seeing someone for my anxiety - not yet for my OCD - still working on that one. I know how much worse it gets when instead of dealing with the issues you drink over them. Of course the relief is there...but it's only temporary...and the next morning it's come back 10-fold.

I know that it doesn't have to be this way - and I will look through what Dee suggested...I will start over again. I can't throw it all away. It wasn't a good night - even though I didn't get sloshed or anything along those lines, my partner and I both caught a glimpse of what it was like in the past...and how it will only get worse.
I guess it's back to day 1.

Thanks everyone.

Pm me.