bluehour

I have noticed some changes in my relationship with my husband since I've stopped drinking. I was wondering if my experience is common, and looking for advice.

When I was drinking, I always had a lot of "making up" to do with my husband. I usually felt guilty and bad about myself (for good reason) from drinking the day or week before, so I spent a lot of time smoothing things over, putting my own issues on the back burner, and trying to please him.
Now that I'm not drinking, I guess that stuff sort of went with it. I still have a lot of making up to do, but on a daily basis I guess I am calling him out on things I wouldn't have before, been a little moodier, that kind of thing. I am not longer in constant damage control mode, and I think this shift is bothering both of us, but certainly him more
It doesn't help that my desire to be physical has become close to non-existent. I am still finding my bearings regarding that. I am really trying though, I know it's important.

Is anyone dealing with this or gone through it? How do you get through this part?

zjw

other way around for me. my wife says i'm not the same person she married. its not an entirely bad thing but its been an adjustment. I'd tolerate stuff from her over the years as a way to gain favor with my own drinking. I'd also get frustrated with her but drink rather then address the issues this gave her a false sense of reality assuming everything was ok when it wasnt i was just drunk instead. I'm a bit more rigid Im not as touchy feely with her anymore. I know it all concerns her and its an adjustment. But I also cant just somehow go back to that person i was while drinking but minus the drink either.

I guess we've had to figure out some new boundaries i think there is even a section in the big book on this as well.

I'm not sure how to get through it other then you have to accept things for the way that they are. I've had to try and see my wifes side of things and be understanding. Ive also tried hard to explain how i'm feeling to her so that hopefully she can understand. She tends to think maybe I've got some issue with her when thats not the case i'm just not as laid back.

Also got to focus on many of the plus sides. its definatly a change I'll agree with you there but its for the better.

EndGameNYC

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...xperience.html

Aellyce

This is another thread that preceded the one EndGame linked above, from same OP and with some good discussions relevant to your topic. If you read both threads, you can see some "relationship dynamics" for sure.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...se-advise.html

I could write about this subject pages, and I certainly have on SR on different threads before. Here is something: I am a bisexual woman. Well, I thought so in my whole life more or less. Before getting sober, I had a gf for a few years. I got pretty confused about my sexual preferences in early sobriety. Broke up with gf (not only because of this, much more complex story, but this was part of it). And I actually think that I've finally understood how these "preferences" work in my mind, why, and what my true focus is. The realizations were not necessarily related to not drinking anymore per se, more to the soul searching that I did within a few months period after getting sober. Quite some dynamic for you!

Verte

Hugs to you. It is hard. My decision to stop drinking most certainly was going to affect my marriage, but it had to be done. We still lead parallel, yet separate lives.

Honestly my 6months of sobriety has been the hardest time period during my long time friendship and marriage and I hung tight to SR. Kept my laptop open and waited until only a sliver of light shone through my eyelid to log off and close my laptop. It kept my soul from feeling lonely. All sorts of realizations rolled in like waves. It was like my cataracts were removed and I just had to go through seeing each thing clearly as it came.

We are never alone here on SR!

Just let the waves lap in. Stand fast. A great decision for you is one for both. Your husband will most certainly respond in his own unique way and you can go from there, each day.

courage2

Let's see -- before, you were a drunk who'd cry the next day and act all "oh honey I'll never be bad like that again, do you still love me?" Now you're griping on him. Guesses are he's got his own issues but I'm feeling a lot of sympathy for him, if he's not an alcoholic.

I don't know how much sobriety you have, but maybe this is a good time to be working on your own issues instead of calling him out on his. Maybe try to see it from his perspective. What has it really been like to live with you?

Sometimes my husband annoys me. But, he stuck with me through my apologetic sobbing drunk period, -- actually he really disliked that act, second only to the next one-- my crazy threatening period, my "you go your way and I'll go mine" period, my dead inside period. I'm kind of trying to take the approach now, he put up with a lot of garbage from me when I was a drunk, I'm not going to inflict sober garbage on him too. As much as I can, I only give him the good bits of my recovery.

The nasty stuff comes here and to AA.

PS Sorry if this is a little harsh. Go hang out in the Friends & Family section a bit, that's another thought. We are certainly not saints.

Gilmer

It's only natural that the dynamics would change somewhat. We are gradually becoming better quality people. There are bound to be some rough edges as we get used to actually experiencing emotions and rational judgment; we have spent a very long time avoiding them. We might not make very graceful transitions into normality.

I have had to become more responsible and mature to hold up my end of the relationship; I have also had to speak up and set boundaries. In many ways it was easier to allow myself to be treated as a twelve-year-old, but that is not an option anymore.

Overall, I like life much better now.

Practically speaking, I try not to go to the mat over trivia. I save my political capital for issues of real importance. I also excuse myself from discussions when I'm angry; I return when I am able to deal calmly and kindly with an attitude of basic human respect. You can criticize actions without criticizing the person.

courage2

^^^wish I'd said what she said.

Ah Gilmer! I don't like to be treated like a 12 year old, but I surely do like to act like one!

kyle84

Your situation indicates that the dynamics of relationship that you have with your husband is not essentially changing. It is just the habit in you that has been changed. I think you should pass some more weeks to see what happens because you are apparently struggling to make yourself believe that you have stopped drinking.

leviathan

also of importance (IMO) is how long you've been sober. although im different now in ways from my drinking/using self, im also different than I was in the first few months following quit date. I too was worried about the physical stuff, but it all bounced back. I really believe it takes a bit for the nervous system to stabilize after becoming accustomed to repeated numbing and recoveries.

then... I realized im not really as anxious as I was used to, which is a relief. this is still requiring some adjustment in our relationship. my spouse had become used to me FREAKING OUT often. now sometimes it feels like I have to convince her I understand the seriousness of this or that, even though im not buggin, medicating or just plain losing my shite trying to control things that I cannot. -don't get me wrong. I can still act a fool. LOL!

ive realized (with LOTS of knowledge passed on from those before me) that it is important to my recovery to react in a different ways than had become my habit. I have come to believe that its just plain dangerous for me to "lose it". every time I allow myself to, I feel that slippery feeling..."hitting the Nuke button", to quote a friend.

there's other changes. most of them positive, obviously. spouse has been patient thankfully, but we will be readjusting for awhile, im sure.

bluehour

Thanks for the replies.

Zjw basically nailed it. I am just more rigid, that's a very good term.

I was not usually a dramatic drinker, like there weren't big fights and making up kind of stuff on a regular basis. it was more just me checking out, literally and figuratively, and then upon my return trying to shape shift into whatever was necessary to keep everything afloat.

Also, now, I'm just plain noticing things. I wasn't very observant before, to put it mildly.

He made some comment the other day, in front of the kids, about how obvious it was that i'm just not happy. That was a pretty major thing for him to say, because we really don't argue or fingerpoint much. I guess that's part of what I'm trying to figure out. How to make him see I am happy, even though it doesn't look like it used to.

CodeJob

Hello BlueHour,

I am from the F&F side. My H of 20 yrs has been sober 17 mo. We just started marriage counseling. Some people write here it takes 5 years to really rebuild a marriage rocked with addiction/codependency. That might be true.... Patience.

Ellay

This is what scares me. I have been with my fiancé for just over 5 years, and these past five years have been with both of us drinking. Started out with dating...oh, lets share a bottle of wine...to when we fell in love...then moved in together and the weekend drinks turned into Sunday night drinks ...then guess what, Wednesday seems like a great night to crack a bottle...he is not an alcoholic - he will stop at a normal amount and make a cup of tea - I will finish his and then some. Scared to see what changes will come...but resolved because I wasn't living that way either. He is supportive - but so much of our life revolves around drinks!

gaffo

One of the reasons that I quit drinking in the first place was because I didn't like my relationship with my wife. I didn't like our fights or the lack of intimacy and I thought drinking was the problem. I was wrong about that but I still stayed sober, figuring it would be easier to solve problems that way. Eventually I quit pot too more or less for the same reasons. My wife continues to drink, smoke pot, fight dirty and we haven't been intimate in 6 years. I stay for the kids and it would be too messy to divorce. She's clueless. I keep hoping for a happy ending. At least I am happy with my sobriety.

Gilmer

I'm sorry, Gaffo.