Soberpotamus

I'm experiencing the odd effect in sobriety of watching my long-held expectations crumble and disintegrate. This is freedom All those things I believed I should be, should do... wherever they came from, doesn't matter... I am realizing they are illusions. Nothing but mental constructs that held me back in ways.

It's freeing to realize I am ok just as I am. I know this sounds very "I'm Ok, You're Ok" (my mom had this book on her bookshelf!), but it's true.

I see how this all fits into the Four Noble Truths of Buddhism.

The truth of dukkha (suffering, anxiety, unsatisfactoriness[a])
The truth of the origin of dukkha
The truth of the cessation of dukkha
The truth of the path leading to the cessation of dukkha

I feel that I have walked through the first three.

Music

I don't have a clue what the heck "dukkha" is, all I know is I can't/don't/won't live up to expectations of myself unless I keep them realistic, so I certainly don't have any right to place expectations on anyone else. Expectations are nothing more than pre-meditated resentments. At least in my experience.

Soberpotamus

Oh, Dukkha means "suffering." Sorry for that, should've linked or explained.

MarathonMan

It must be nice to find some inner peace....i hope one day to join you.

Soberpotamus

Actually, the meaning was out beside the word, in parentheses.

Soberpotamus

It's been a long time coming. And, you will

Music

Well, there you go. Resentments cause suffering.

Soberpotamus

Sure, exactly! Resentments are "suffering."

Adillac

Needed to read this today. Thank you.

zjw

i have bounced in and out of this state all my life. and when i get in this state i get scared as if i'm being irresponsable I've even been accused of such things my mom woudl call me peter pan growing up etc...

the more and more i read the more and more i realize this state is where i should be and should remain. the more and more i realize if i wanna be content and happy i need to remain in this state.

its a state of whatever will be will be. I can only do what i can do and it is what it is. there is no boohoo my hands are tied i cant repair this problem or great anticipation of some up coming event etc.. it just is what it is and that is that.

This go around I'm going to try my best to remain in this state. in times past i stick my head out of my little happy bubble and go OMG MY JOB MY LIFE AAA I MUST TEND TO THINKS PANIC ANXIETY ETC... this time i'm going to watch my step if i look up and see what is going on i'll just leave it at that I hope.

I used to resent my mom for putting me down calling me peter pan telling me i never wanted to do anything or go anywhere in my life etv.. all these expectations she had that she laid on my shoulders and i'd then try and shoulder that weight etv...

now I just laugh and wonder if i can fly too?...

Boleo

The surrender of judgement and expectations ensures that I will not be disturbed when things don't go my way;

Resentment = not getting my way yesterday
Anger = not getting my way today
Fear = not getting my way tomorrow

:repost
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...g-notions.html

Boleo

"All expectations are seeds for resentment."

(The original Laozi old man)

jdooner

SJ - you may want to read Anthony De Mello's Awareness. He was a Jesuit but it helped me a lot with Buddhism. IT turns out I was brainwashed with ideals I would defend but never truly understood. Most people raised in modern society suffer from this. One common and critical theme is attaching expectations in things and people only sets up for disappointment.

I still attach expectations but less than I did. I still have judgements but less than I did. I strive for being not becoming and I shy away from perfection and work towards acceptance.

zjw

i second "awareness" by anthony de mello. Jdooner tricked me into reading it already lol.

Soberpotamus

Does De Mello give a western translation or interpretation, like Tolle? I guess I'd rather learn from people like Pema Chodron and Thich Nhat Hanh, since they are buddhists and have studied under other buddhists.

I've read Eckhart Tolle, Jon Kabat-Zinn, Tara Brach, Thich Nhat Hahn, Byron Katie, Pema Chodron, and Brene Brown. All of these are great.

But Pema Chodron and Thich Nhat Hanh are my favorites so far.

jdooner

As I said, De Mello helped me with Buddhism. I am quite a fan of Tolle, who changed his name Ulrich to Eckhart after Meister Eckhart. I also like Jon Kabat-Zinn - love Mindfulness for Beginners. Anyhow, just a suggestion, as De Mello is not trying to convert and supports a thesis that can work within any religious view including Atheist. You may also want to look into Charles Baudelaire - a Romantic Era poet that has helped me philosophically.

Anthony de mello
Until his sudden death on June 2, 1987, Fr. Tony de Mello was the director
of the Sadhana Institute of Pastoral Counseling near Poona, India.
Author of five best selling books, renowned worldwide for his
workshops, retreats, and prayer courses, he aimed simply to teach people
how to pray, how towake up and live.
Most people, he maintained, are asleep. They need to wake up,
open up their eyes, see what is real, both inside and outside of themselves.
The greatest human gift is to be aware, to be in touch with oneself, one's body, mind, feelings, thoughts, sensations.

Soberpotamus

I'll keep the suggestion in mind, thanks.

bigsombrero

Good post! Glad you're getting there! I also arrived at that Nirvana recently, and agree that it's so freeing. Of course, I remain vigilant in making sure to take care of my alcoholism, but the rest of the terrible heavy self-expectations have lifted. It didn't just drop off my shoulders all at once (did it for you?), but I did have an "ah ha" moment where I realized it was indeed possible to be free. And life now is so much more enjoyable!

So glad to hear you are also seeing the path to this spiritual place. The scientist in me would refer to it as a "mental state" and not a "spiritual place" but, same diff. Thanks for the share!

Soberpotamus

Well, not sure I'd call this Nirvana yet, Big Maybe one day. Ha!

No, I wouldn't call it an ah-ha moment that's been all inclusive. It's been lots of small ah-ha's along the way maybe? Yes, here and there I've realized or become aware of many things. I tend to just call it "awareness" or "freedom" but I realize that's nothing more than a choice of language, words. And of course, words have their limitations for us

zjw

what is very interesting about this also is I guess 6 months or so into sobriety i went into this kind of mindset as a way of subconciously protecting myself. I really just dwelled in another place in my head and i was safe there. I let everything around me just be or not be. You could say I let stuff go but you could also say I just let stuff be depending on how you want to look at it. I was just letting stuff be. I new if i tried to tend to things i'd be hit with an onslaught of bad negative feelings etc..

at some point I snapped back out again but I guess tried to remain in both places with my limited understanding as to what was really going on.

Over the years the story has been the same times get tough i go to the safe happy place. Then i get stupid and pop out and think i can take on the world etc... and change everything etc..