Sponsor went out ......suggestions???
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: too close to the fire
Posts: 173
Sponsor went out ......suggestions???
God will do for us what we can not do for ourselves..... For months I gave this to God.... My suspicion about my sponsor using.... Now I just feel sad and powerless. I never did care for the way I way talked down to but I thought maybe I needed that... Maybe I needed to be humbled and trust and commitment were areas I needed to work on so I kept her but begrudgedly. I never shared these feelings along with a few other very serious things I watched her do to other sponcees that I could not believe my eyes but non the less she is human too .... My question is simple I want to talk to her about her obvious relapse but she acts as though she is "fine" and how do I say I need a new sponsor or is this obvious????
Member
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Bklyn. NY
Posts: 1,859
I never found it necessary to "fire" a sponsor. I just moved on, but I realize every situation is unique and some have it where that might be awkward. If the person admitted to drinking, then I do however believe it would be fine to simply move along.
FWIW, my first close friend in AA, who acted more like a sponsor to me than my sponsor, picked up when I was about 6 months sober. I learned tons of stuff from him, and we're still friends today. He now has about 7 years sober. I've known him for 30. It took him a long time to figure this sobriety thing out, but along the way he helped countless people. There's no reason you can't continue to be friends with yer old sponsor, and picking up a drink doesn't make them a "bad" person. I'd suggest finding them a nice warm compartment to place them in you heart, being there for them, and finding someone new to help guide you along the sober path. Your sponsor I'm sure will understand.
FWIW, my first close friend in AA, who acted more like a sponsor to me than my sponsor, picked up when I was about 6 months sober. I learned tons of stuff from him, and we're still friends today. He now has about 7 years sober. I've known him for 30. It took him a long time to figure this sobriety thing out, but along the way he helped countless people. There's no reason you can't continue to be friends with yer old sponsor, and picking up a drink doesn't make them a "bad" person. I'd suggest finding them a nice warm compartment to place them in you heart, being there for them, and finding someone new to help guide you along the sober path. Your sponsor I'm sure will understand.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: KC MO
Posts: 980
All a sponsor is,is someone who walked through the AA door just like everyone else. There is no training,and there is no test to take.
When we walk through the AA door,we are scared. Have probably had some major shake up happen that made us walk through that door. In other words I am saying we are looking for anything to grasp on to. And the decision when we first pick out a sponsor might be less than perfect.
Now that you have some sober time,and know the ropes a little better. You are in a far better position to pick out a sponsor. And I think you need a new one.
I think you need to be up front with her though. It will help avoid awkward situations in the future.
I would just thank her for trying to help me out. Then say I think I am gonna try something different. if she is drinking she will probably be glad not to have the responsibility any way.
Fred
When we walk through the AA door,we are scared. Have probably had some major shake up happen that made us walk through that door. In other words I am saying we are looking for anything to grasp on to. And the decision when we first pick out a sponsor might be less than perfect.
Now that you have some sober time,and know the ropes a little better. You are in a far better position to pick out a sponsor. And I think you need a new one.
I think you need to be up front with her though. It will help avoid awkward situations in the future.
I would just thank her for trying to help me out. Then say I think I am gonna try something different. if she is drinking she will probably be glad not to have the responsibility any way.
Fred
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3,359
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change comes to ming.
You seem resentful that your sponsor went out. This happened to me. I did not let him pull me under, worked my steps with a new step sponsor and returned to help my sponsor get through his steps and he is sober now.
A drowning person will pull those around them under. Put your oxygen mask on first and move on. Maybe you can help her one day. Your resentments towards her will only hurt you.
You seem resentful that your sponsor went out. This happened to me. I did not let him pull me under, worked my steps with a new step sponsor and returned to help my sponsor get through his steps and he is sober now.
A drowning person will pull those around them under. Put your oxygen mask on first and move on. Maybe you can help her one day. Your resentments towards her will only hurt you.
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
Originally Posted by iloveme 
God will do for us what we can not do for ourselves..... For months I gave this to God.... My suspicion about my sponsor using.... Now I just feel sad and powerless. I never did care for the way I way talked down to but I thought maybe I needed that... Maybe I needed to be humbled and trust and commitment were areas I needed to work on so I kept her but begrudgedly. I never shared these feelings along with a few other very serious things I watched her do to other sponcees that I could not believe my eyes but non the less she is human too .... My question is simple I want to talk to her about her obvious relapse but she acts as though she is "fine" and how do I say I need a new sponsor or is this obvious????
FWIW, you seem to me anyways, already more informed than your sponsor. Take what you got, and move on. Don't get caught up in all the complications of helping your sponsor. Help yourself first. Complete the program. Then re-visit personally helping your sponsor, if you so choose.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Zion, Illinois
Posts: 3,411
Originally Posted by iloveme
God will do for us what we can not do for ourselves..... For months I gave this to God.... My suspicion about my sponsor using.... Now I just feel sad and powerless. I never did care for the way I way talked down to but I thought maybe I needed that... Maybe I needed to be humbled and trust and commitment were areas I needed to work on so I kept her but begrudgedly. I never shared these feelings along with a few other very serious things I watched her do to other sponcees that I could not believe my eyes but non the less she is human too .... My question is simple I want to talk to her about her obvious relapse but she acts as though she is "fine" and how do I say I need a new sponsor or is this obvious????
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
Pray for your sponsor, they need it. Help if possible.....especially if they are of the misanthropic sort.
I have found that I have many sponsors - of sorts. The fellowship is truly the mothership of sponsors. It took but a few months, but I have many I can reach out to now for my own help and well being, not just one.
As other stated, you will need to move on - but perhaps an official you're fired talk is unnecessary - I agree with that sentiment. If she wants to discuss her relapse that's fine, but maybe another day. It shouldn't be a priority for you, I suggest - more will be revealed......
Remember, above all else it's YOUR sobriety. A sponsor does not keep you sober - you do. Seek counsel from others in the group and keep moving forward and taking action.
peace
I have found that I have many sponsors - of sorts. The fellowship is truly the mothership of sponsors. It took but a few months, but I have many I can reach out to now for my own help and well being, not just one.
As other stated, you will need to move on - but perhaps an official you're fired talk is unnecessary - I agree with that sentiment. If she wants to discuss her relapse that's fine, but maybe another day. It shouldn't be a priority for you, I suggest - more will be revealed......
Remember, above all else it's YOUR sobriety. A sponsor does not keep you sober - you do. Seek counsel from others in the group and keep moving forward and taking action.
peace
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
I remember firing my sponser when i was trying to get sober thought hes being harsh on me to be fair i was always drinking i hardly answered and i rang him drunk once asking him to pray for me (oh god i did that)
after leaving aa the first time i then got sober on my own and i tried the mtns again after 90 days i rang my fired sponser and said lets try again ive got 90 days
i stayed in aa untill month 11 when i left again me and my sponser had it out so to speak but this time it was diffrent
he said i didnt give it a chance i said i gave aa 11 months of my life inc service and ive learnt loads
it wasnt how i got sober no step work no handing things over
my sponser knew this but kept persisting and although i consider him my sponser the reality is hes more of a friend big brother type he doesnt tell me how to live my life it was he who showed me the 2 wolves story and to this day were in touch one of his mottos is 'if you want to drink then drink im not stopping you, if you want to stop il help you in any way i can'
i must state i had no idea of the concept that a sponser is someone who takes someone through the steps
i thought a sponser was someone you goto for advice etc not the steps
after leaving aa the first time i then got sober on my own and i tried the mtns again after 90 days i rang my fired sponser and said lets try again ive got 90 days
i stayed in aa untill month 11 when i left again me and my sponser had it out so to speak but this time it was diffrent
he said i didnt give it a chance i said i gave aa 11 months of my life inc service and ive learnt loads
it wasnt how i got sober no step work no handing things over
my sponser knew this but kept persisting and although i consider him my sponser the reality is hes more of a friend big brother type he doesnt tell me how to live my life it was he who showed me the 2 wolves story and to this day were in touch one of his mottos is 'if you want to drink then drink im not stopping you, if you want to stop il help you in any way i can'
i must state i had no idea of the concept that a sponser is someone who takes someone through the steps
i thought a sponser was someone you goto for advice etc not the steps
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3,359
Originally Posted by soberwolf
i must state i had no idea of the concept that a sponser is someone who takes someone through the steps
i thought a sponser was someone you goto for advice etc not the steps
i thought a sponser was someone you goto for advice etc not the steps
The Fellowship (AA Meetings) are made up of newcomers and oldtimers (those that have completed the steps and had an awakening). The point of the meetings is for oldtimers (not defined by age but completed the steps) to share their experience, hope and strength with the newcomer and potentially sponsor and teach the spiritual toolkit (12 simple steps). Once the newccomer completes the steps and has a spiritual awakening they return to the meetings as an old timer and work the 12 step of providing service to others.
Hope that helps clarify how I see the program, which is actually two parts (Fellowship or meetings) and (Steps and Big Book).
Here is a graphical representation: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...anding-aa.html
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Mgm, AL
Posts: 1,000
I have learned that if I am sponsoring someone that they may stay sober, I'm playing God. I sponsor (carry the message of Hope in delivering the Steps) people so that I stay sober. I'm not in the results business these days...
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: PA
Posts: 12,000
Originally Posted by skg
I have learned that if I am sponsoring someone that they may stay sober, I'm playing God. I sponsor (carry the message of Hope in delivering the Steps) people so that I stay sober. I'm not in the results business these days...
Guest
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 1,476
Originally Posted by soberwolf
i must state i had no idea of the concept that a sponser is someone who takes someone through the steps
i thought a sponser was someone you goto for advice etc not the steps
After that, it's pretty much guidance to stay on the spiritual path and to spot things that might not be (mentally) visible to the sponsee.
100% total reliance upon any human power is inherently flawed because we as humans have inherent flaws.
Unless a Sponsors name happens to be "Nobody" because "Nobody is perfect"
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: New Orleans, LA
Posts: 985
In all the 12 step fellowships I've been part of (in multiple geographic locations), folks aren't "allowed" to sponsor without 6 months to one year of continuous sobriety (the 6 months in smaller fellowships where there weren't as many old-timers, with one year being typical in most cities).
If a sponsor "goes out" and drinks or uses, it indicates that they have their own recovery work to focus on. I would absolutely expect that sponsor to be forthright about their relapse (both at meetings and in individual conversations with sponsees), as well as "stepping down" from their role as sponsor. If your sponsor is just la-la-la-ing along and has not bravely and firmly brought the topic up with you directly, well, in my world they're disqualified from the job.
It is not your job as sponsee to protect their feelings, help them with their sobriety, or initiate the awkward conversation about how their relapse impacts their sponsorship role. If they're not mature enough to take responsibility, they probably shouldn't have been in that role in the first place.
I know that we're all human, but the role of "friend" is always available and has no qualifications. Program sponsorship actually has some "job requirements" - having thoroughly completed the steps (with THEIR sponsor), maintaining an ongoing relationship with THEIR sponsor, and - um - sobriety.
Get a new one, and don't look back!! Your sobriety is at stake, and a good sponsor makes the difference between marginal involvement with the full program, and a full on transformative experience (don't worry, I'm not laying the responsibility of transformation on the sponsor, but it does exist within the steps, and a sponsor is supposed to be your guide on that journey...).
If a sponsor "goes out" and drinks or uses, it indicates that they have their own recovery work to focus on. I would absolutely expect that sponsor to be forthright about their relapse (both at meetings and in individual conversations with sponsees), as well as "stepping down" from their role as sponsor. If your sponsor is just la-la-la-ing along and has not bravely and firmly brought the topic up with you directly, well, in my world they're disqualified from the job.
It is not your job as sponsee to protect their feelings, help them with their sobriety, or initiate the awkward conversation about how their relapse impacts their sponsorship role. If they're not mature enough to take responsibility, they probably shouldn't have been in that role in the first place.
I know that we're all human, but the role of "friend" is always available and has no qualifications. Program sponsorship actually has some "job requirements" - having thoroughly completed the steps (with THEIR sponsor), maintaining an ongoing relationship with THEIR sponsor, and - um - sobriety.
Get a new one, and don't look back!! Your sobriety is at stake, and a good sponsor makes the difference between marginal involvement with the full program, and a full on transformative experience (don't worry, I'm not laying the responsibility of transformation on the sponsor, but it does exist within the steps, and a sponsor is supposed to be your guide on that journey...).
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
Originally Posted by jdooner
The only point of sponsorship in my experience is to take someone through the steps.
The Fellowship (AA Meetings) are made up of newcomers and oldtimers (those that have completed the steps and had an awakening). The point of the meetings is for oldtimers (not defined by age but completed the steps) to share their experience, hope and strength with the newcomer and potentially sponsor and teach the spiritual toolkit (12 simple steps). Once the newccomer completes the steps and has a spiritual awakening they return to the meetings as an old timer and work the 12 step of providing service to others.
Hope that helps clarify how I see the program, which is actually two parts (Fellowship or meetings) and (Steps and Big Book).
Here is a graphical representation: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...anding-aa.html
The Fellowship (AA Meetings) are made up of newcomers and oldtimers (those that have completed the steps and had an awakening). The point of the meetings is for oldtimers (not defined by age but completed the steps) to share their experience, hope and strength with the newcomer and potentially sponsor and teach the spiritual toolkit (12 simple steps). Once the newccomer completes the steps and has a spiritual awakening they return to the meetings as an old timer and work the 12 step of providing service to others.
Hope that helps clarify how I see the program, which is actually two parts (Fellowship or meetings) and (Steps and Big Book).
Here is a graphical representation: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...anding-aa.html
after my first mtn i asked the guy will u be my sponser he had 3 years and there was a bit more to it than that but he said yes straight away
he didnt inform me of steps i didnt want to do steps but i had already asked for him to be my sponser
after a few weeks sobriety i quickly realised thats exactly what the sponser is for
so me not wanting to do the steps lead to some interesting conversations with ppl
why have u got a sponser i got that a lot lol
i cant really explain this but im not in aa i had my awakening without the steps yet i still consider him my sponser and he still sees me as sponsee we are more like brothers than anything else
sorry for any mix up
AA member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: United Kingdom.
Posts: 3,007
Look for someone else to sponsor you,someone with good sobriety who has worked through the steps with a sponsor themselves.Also someone who continues to have a sponsor.
No need to speak to the lady about her relapse,that is her problem,being completely honest is essential in recovery,if she chooses not to be honest that is up to her.
Wishing you well.
No need to speak to the lady about her relapse,that is her problem,being completely honest is essential in recovery,if she chooses not to be honest that is up to her.
Wishing you well.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Mgm, AL
Posts: 1,000
One more thing: Alcohol is our (sobriety's) greatest advocate, we don't have to plead with anyone. If the sponsor's since gone out, they know where the answers lie. Alcohol will convince them, or it will kill them.
I was told that, "In recovery, you're going to have to learn to step over the bodies of those fellows who won't do the work," and that has been my experience. When someone comes into the rooms asking for help, honest help, the room will go to any lengths to help them get better than well and to love them until they can love themselves.
If someone wants to reject that in favor of the selfish, self-centered fears of addictions, they can go to hell by themselves.
Everyone is an example. What type will YOU be?
I was told that, "In recovery, you're going to have to learn to step over the bodies of those fellows who won't do the work," and that has been my experience. When someone comes into the rooms asking for help, honest help, the room will go to any lengths to help them get better than well and to love them until they can love themselves.
If someone wants to reject that in favor of the selfish, self-centered fears of addictions, they can go to hell by themselves.
Everyone is an example. What type will YOU be?
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