stonehenge

Been a while since I posted here. I almost made it 2 years sober too. for me that was a feat. I studied community services at tafe, got my cert 3, started cert 4 and then.. things all fell apart.

only now, as I sit here still sick from the week long binge I've punished myself through, feeling my heart beating erratically, feeling like everything is at an end, feeling lost. am I even thinking about trying again. but I know now I can't even go a day without the thoughts of everything dragging me away.

I thought I had recovered enough to start a relationship. lol. oh how all of the things that turned me into a miserable hermit cam flooding back. people pulling away from me, making me feel so bleak. and knowing that only I am responsible for my own happiness, suddenly nothing made any difference. February this year I drank. Then someone who saw my struggle became closer to me than anyone. she and I even went so far as to make plans.

but I tend to have a problem with people, I seem to attract people who have issues they are not ready to deal with, and .. once more they pull away.

so.. here I am, back at what I should consider day 1. depleted, alone, miserable, anxious, sick, tired, knowing I've done damage to my organs.. at 42 years old, this has to stop.

the naltrexone I was on only helped for a while. my psychologist moved on and felt I was doing ok, so I eventually stopped the occasional contact with next step. I tried resuming that this year, but they were not helping. telling me to just wait and see if the lexapro would help. which made everything 100 times worse.

But I start work in 2 weeks. I dont know if I will cope. serious thoughts of self harm had played on my mind, I just cannot see a future. this moment of lucidity may be the start of change, or not. i dont know.

just felt like I needed to speak out.. no where else can I, and not **** people off.. seems that people only accept things with me, when I'm ok. I really wanted to become an advocate for recovery, mental health, helping others. but then, when I am at my lowest, the room clears.

I hope tomorrow.... anything..

erin8

I don't have the answers but I know for certain that self harm is not it. Please hold on. I'm sure someone with more experience and insight will be here shortly. Better days are ahead.

trachemys

You need medical help. Not forums, not chatlines, medical help. Go get it.

stonehenge

medical help has not helped. I cant tolerate any antidepressant medication. they wont prescribe anything for the insomnia. and any sort of medicine seems to cloud things for me. talking therapy would just work while Im there. the despair right now outweighs the motivation.

the one thing I need has fallen away once again. I pulled out of the world in about 2004. crawled out of the darkness so many times, and yet its worse now than it ever was.

I guess it doesnt help that all my plans for the future have suddenly just been swept away. I know it is up to me to find whatever worth i can and change my perception. I just wanted to, I guess, at least feel like I've been able to articulate it a little. even if its just to leave a final piece of evidence that I ever existed, on the surface of the sea so desperate to see me drown.

erin8

1-800-273-8255

This is the suicide hotline. Maybe they can help. Talk therapy working for today is better than nothing. Please please get some help.

Waterfalls2014

Stonehenge, glad to have you here with us. It's easy to get stuck in doom and gloom but there really is a better life out here. Please don't harm yourself. Call the number above and get help.

Why don't we talk about a plan to get you back to how you felt the almost 2 years you had before? You know you can do it.

trachemys

Hey, Hi, Stonehenge. You just left an impression. You exist, I exist. We're here.

trachemys

BTW, mate, get a cheerier avatar.

IOAA2

Hi.
Our lives have ups and downs even when sober. Our thinking is often all over the place as we run around not interested in “EASY DOES IT.”
I and many others were consumed in the BS of the fast lane which consumes many.
For various reasons, including the fact I don’t suffer well, I got into and finally got involved in AA and started working on myself and made the necessary changes to say that today I’m comfortable in my own skin without any chemicals in my system. It’s like a dream come true as I was very undisciplined and wanted what I want when I wanted it and even when I got it drank to escape the next pitfall I always saw in the future. One day at a time helped me with that one eventually. The big thing is I did “keep coming.”

BE WELL

zjw

I can relate. My doc wouldnt give me a pill told me if iw anted that sort of thing go somewhere else. Therapists? been there done that. Find another doctor after i just paid a copay for the one i got and have happened to like a lot up until that point? what one doc to get me one kind of drug and another doc for other things? what I'm suppost to doctor shop? what a chore!! Not to mention how many times do you get bad advice from doctors. I had one doc tell me to do one thing for my High cholesterol and another tell me another My head spun in the end I did what I wanted to do and it worked.

I think the other issue you face is one I faced where it seems like its such a friggen huge undertaking to make the right choices for a more positive outlook in life. It does not come easy for me. some folks are naturally positive people etc.. me? I gotta work at it pretty hard too.

BUT
I've had to make the steps I've had to force myself to make the more proper / sane choices in time its gotten easier and my lifes improved but yeah even now at 3+ years sober I'll find myself asking myself "whats the point" sometimes but I realize i'll never find the answer to that question because the point has not yet happened and who knows if it ever will but untill then I'd like to live a decent life etc...

It gets easier but you gotta take the steps in the right direction is all you cant wallow in the pit.

Jaipb2

It is so overwhelming to think about the future when you're stuggling to become sober, I'm almost 42, with a little over 2 years sobriety myself, and the one thing that has helped me tremendously is to focus on sobriety, moment by moment, day by day. Little bite size pieces, if you will. I never make sobriety promises beyond today. We have all been where you are right now, and you're not alone. We are all here for you and each other.

Soberwolf

Really really nice to meet you sounds like youve been awol for a good while

im really glad i read your posts and had a chance to meet you on this forum

maybe you should speak with a doctor thoughts of self harm arnt good (trust me i know)

if being on the forum helps being on the forum helps

speak to a trained doctor i am 32 was drinking with a deathwish and im now 14 months sober

alcoholism causes so much damage no more drinking look at what it is doing to you

stop and get the support you need from a trained doctor

in the meantime we are here whenever you need

antiquesparrow

I am working on sobriety and have had many of the same problems. Can't afford to go Dr. to Dr. and therapist to therapist trying to find the magic solution. I have struggle with anxiety that only alcohol seems to quell. Some days I am doing ok, others I feel such despair. I got a dog. I had wanted one my entire life and though I can't really afford him ( he gets better medical care than I do) He is good company. He doesn't judge me if I slip. He doesn't get sick of me talking to him about how down I feel. It gives me someone to think about other than myself. He makes me get up to take him out to play or for a walk. He gives structure to my day. If I think about stopping the struggle, I think of how long it would be before anyone noticed and how my dog would suffer until he was found and of how he would miss me. If it isn't feasible to get a dog, how about a cat, or a hamster or a goldfish. Something to nurture.

I don't mean to make light of your struggle. Just saying it is helping me. Keep trying.

stonehenge

I should. Sorry for replying to a thread so old, I've only just remembered the forums here.

HTown

Well, how have you been stonehenge? Life going good? Glad you are back.

PhoenixJ

Perhaps just focus on sobriety. I am into the second year of a recovery program (Salvo's- linked with housing) and I have seen so many people want to share their newly found sobriety, clean time by being a counsellor, health care worker- or go back to study- only to find it too hard and relapse. Same with relationships- or any big life change that can perhaps be put off. Some cannot (like me and divorce), but with support, meetings, regular GP checkups, counselling- I am growing and succeeding. A lot of my problems are from being emotionally ********. So that and sobriety is what I grow stronger in every day- WITH SUPPORT, which is what I offer you now.