bmf1978

Wanted to get the perspective of an A. As you can tell from the title, I'm leaving my A husband but still haven't broken the pattern of putting him first - far from it. We've only been married for ten months. I put up with his drinking for three years, peppered with periods of "sobriety." (I take full responsibility for sticking around, of course.) This past year, he did an outpatient program, went to AA almost everyday, had a sponsor. He had 90 days sober max. But a couple of weeks ago, I found out that he was having an affair (emotional, I think), and finally realized just how good he was at lying...almost like he was living a double life. As soon as I found out, he left for inpatient rehab in another state - something he had refused to do up to this point out of fear that he'd lose his job in finance. But because of his infidelity and lying, along with some other very self-destructive behavior, I've finally hit my limit. Although I think I made it clear that I was leaving in the days before he left, I'm pretty sure that he's still holding out hope that I'll stay. Why wouldn't he? I've made empty threats in the past. My question is, would it be better for me to tell him that I'm moving out and initiating a divorce while he's in rehab (while he has support; the con being that he's supposed to be focused on himself only), or when he gets out (and is more likely to relapse)? I know some will think, why do I need to tell him at all? There are logistics that need to be worked out, and in which he needs to be involved. And I would really like to get the ball rolling on this so that I can move forward with my own life. But I don't want to derail his efforts. Some roller coaster I'm on... My life has been turned upside down, I feel so alone, and my financial situation is not great. And all I can think about is how I'm abandoning him...he'll be alone, drink himself to death and die.

yinzer

Methinks you need to do what works for you and concentrate on yourself.

biminiblue

You are not so powerful that you can cause him to drink himself to death because you leave him or when you tell him you're leaving.

Just go. It will all work out. Doesn't matter when you tell him.

PaperDolls

I agree with yinzer - you should do what best and safe for you.

I'm thinking telling him now, while he has support right in front of him, is a great option. Whether or not he chooses to use that support is up to him. You are not responsible for his well being. You are, however, responsible for your own.

I'm sorry you're going through this. Hugs to you bmf.

doggonecarl

If this is indeed the reason you need to tell him, I'm not sure how "involved" he will be....He's in rehab, for his recovery. You might want to let him focus on that.

But if you can leave without the "logistics" having to be worked out, then by all means, leave and tell him. Since you have made threats that you haven't seen through, it might be easier to do while he's gone.

jdooner

I wonder if a part of you needed him sick? I would prefer to have the band aide pulled off quickly.

zjw

what does it matter? I mean this in a good way. I mean really if you want to move on then do so and dont worry about him and his well being you dont want it to be your problem anymore and you want to move on worrying about it your making it your problem again.

You've made your choice it sounds like so cut the ties and go. In rehab out of rehab I dunno that it matters. But I think it might be best while he's in rehab while he has the support etc.. If i where him i'd be pi$$ed but I dunno I think your looking out for him the best you can by doing it that way and I'm not sure you under any kind of requirment to do so etc...

besides it might motivate him more while he's in rehab.

bmf1978

Thank you all for your very thoughtful responses. Since he just got there and is still in detox, I will wait a few days and then tell him.
@jdooner - Only my unconscious knows the answer to that question. Consciously, I hated the pain that his "sickness" caused both of us. But I grew up with a mentally ill mother who abused me, and whom I still loved very much....so you tell me. We're drawn to what we know.

PurpleKnight

As an alcoholic, if I was going to drink, I was going to drink, I'd use anything as an excuse to drink, sure a breakup might have been on the list, but also it was a sunny day, it was someone's birthday, it was Xmas, it was a funeral, my point is an alcoholic will drink if they want to and YOU can neither stop them or are responsible for that happening!!

Whether you told him before he entered rehab, whilst he is there or afterwards, the principle is the same, his addiction is his to recover from, a breakup will only be the beginning of the long list of ups and downs he's going to have to deal with to make long term Sobriety work!!

After all the worrying about him, what about YOU? what about your life? looking in on addiction can be a very lonely and frustrating place!!

It's far from easy, I appreciate that, but get on with living YOUR life!!

Archelon

if he is having an affair, maybe he wants you to leave

so he won't have to

jdooner

Sounds like Al Anon or therpay might be useful for you. If it were me I might try to learn a bit more about codependency before pulling the plug. It has been my experience that only rarely does one person who has no baggage find themselves drawn to a sick alcoholic/addict. What I often find is as one gets better the other either chosoes to get better or can't self relfect and is easier to place the oneous on the other and leave. This might or might not fit with you but this is a big decision so at the risk of upsetting thought I would share.

Angel1555

Take care of yourself first and foremost. You sound like you are committed to leaving so follow through with it while you are strong. If you are in financial commitments with him you will have to tell him. You are not responsible for how he treats himself so don't feel guilty. He is probably stronger than you think and leaving him may be what he needs to face his own problems.