amy55

I come to this forum daily, but I don't come over here, I go to the f & f forum.

I felt like I belonged there more then here until recently.

I was in an abusive relationship, I was using alcohol to numb everything. I got out of it, but continued to numb, that's when I joined here.

I was really good for about 2 years. I figured I got out of my relationship, which was a good thing, stopped drinking, then was able to actually go out about once every 2 weeks or so, and have a beer or 2. I was good with all of that.

I wasn't craving, was able to stop.

Until, my ex started up again. There are things in the divorce that have to be hammered out now, since he is retiring, and he is just as abusive as ever and is trying to screw me with pensions, and I went back to numbing myself.

So for the past 6 weeks or so, I have been drinking almost daily. I take a one or two day break occasionally, but that is only before I need to go somewhere and look presentable.

As soon as I get back home, I came home with that case of beer. I don't go out often now except to buy my beer. I missed most of this summer. I make the best decisions when I am drinking, I tell myself that this is it. You stop tomorrow, but tomorrow comes and I have beer left, so I start up again as soon as I get up.

I don't drive drunk. If I decide I will drink that day, then I wait till 10 so I can go buy enough to last me.

I am truly embarrassed to admit this, but I know this is the only place that I can admit this.

I feel by doing that I can now hold myself responsible again.

My fight with my ex and this damn pension thing and alimony thing will not be over till about April next year. I can't continue the way I am going.

I was trying to deal with my ex on my own for awhile now, since I cannot afford to pay an attorney, but I think right now I can get him on contempt of court, get my attorney, now he will most likely have to pay my attorney since he is in contempt.

This all may be jumbled, because I can't think straight anymore. All of this has triggered my PTSD, panic attacks, and anxiety attacks.

I think I just needed to confess and get this out here so I can read this tomorrow and see the insanity that I am putting myself through.

Thanks for listening
amy

flossyfressia

Welcome back, Amy. You can get through this. Xxx

Treerat66

Hello Amy,

Dee74

Hi Amy

Yeah it never gets any better - it promises a solution but it doesn't deliver...it just keeps adding to the stress and the anxiety.

You deserve better. Numbing yourself out like this only makes it easier for others to ride roughshod over you.

Get a good lawyer and fight for your what you're entitled to.

And stay sober. You're worth it

D

Croissant

Oh Amy, I'm so sorry to hear of this, having read and followed some of your threads in the F&F section.

I'm sure you will have a lot of support here to get through this. I'm so sad there was no solution in the bottle...even if there is...it's like a mirage, so short lived and nothing on what you thought it was going to deliver.

Big hugs...fingers crossed you will be able to put down soon.

amy55

I'm back again. I had to search for when I posted this to remember how long ago I stopped. It's less then I thought. I thought it was about 3 weeks. I stopped according to this on 9/17. I didn't stop the day I posted, nor the next day. It was the day after that. My PTSD really kicked in and I have lost all track of time. I've been reading here everyday, posting some in f &f, but mostly thinking about how to get over this hurdle.

Dee, croissant, thank you for also checking up on me over in f & f.

I can't get a lawyer, I don't have money for that. I have to save it for the at least 3 to 4 months that I will be hurting financially. If I could get my ex for contempt of court, he would have to pay my attorney fees, but he is a sly one. He gives just enough to try to prove he is cooperating, when he is not.

So I am dealing with this situation. I needed to stop the drinking so that I could really look at things. I realized my problem was not really with my ex. I expect that stuff from him, when it happened though it just put me back to my mental mind space when I was married to him. I think all this really has to do with is I have to figure out how to pay my bills for about 4 months without the court ordered support, until I get part of his pension, (which will replace my alimony).

I kind of figure out how I could survive on 1/4 of my present income for about 4 - 6 months without losing my house. I do have IRA backup money, just didn't want to touch it because of the taxes and the penalties. I'll hold off on that as long as possible so that perhaps I can do a 60 day rollover when I get my retroactive portion of his pension. I would never have thought of that if I was still drinking.

So stress gone, problem solved? I don't know.

I know for right now, that I just don't know. I know I will not be drinking. I know if I feel like drinking, then I know that I am yet again having another problem with coping, and I have to look at that first.

I didn't drink for 13 days, I guess today is 2 weeks, but I sat in my house and watched the tv and I didn't even turn it on, and I was reliving the past. It was a 24/7 marathon.

So new plan, I know Dee always loves new plans, so this one is for you Dee.

I finally got my basement almost all completed. The rest of the stuff I can do myself. I moved into my home in 2011. It was a foreclosure that needed a lot of work. I never really unpacked yet. Why should I? I had to keep most of the stuff in the basement when I got my living quarters renovated, then I had to move most of my stuff up when I got my basement done.

So new plan is to actually start to move into my place. Unpack the cartons of stuff, get rid of some of the stuff, get my house in order. I also will get out of my house each day, even if it is just a trip to Walmart just to see people. I have fall cleanup to do outside. Also getting my yard landscaped next week. I need to weed whack all my weeds, get all of the fallen branches and cut them up for firewood.

I'll allow myself some time each day to watch the tv when it's not on, but will reduce that time each day.

I hope this doesn't sound too weird.

IOAA2

Hi and I hope good things happen with you.
Some years ago I needed a plan that worked as my way wasn’t. I started, and continue to this day going to meetings where sobriety is spoken and my mind training began. I found self honesty and acceptance of the fact I cannot drink in safety were my primary focus. Along with that change is needed whether we like it or not.
Good results happen as I’ve seen demonstrated many thousands of times when we stay sober.

BE WELL

Treerat66

Hi Amy,

Hope your plan works for you.

PurpleKnight

Welcome back Amy!!