biminiblue

Nm.

Cow

Lenina, my dear, you never says too much, okay crazypants? I actual like to hear other people ideas about death and they feeling and hopes about it. I think you can rest easy, cuz I believe you gonna disperse back into stardust and you atoms will go about universe and become part of billion and billion of different things, but you will never know this, as arrangement of energy that was Lenina will be gone.

SR, but it IS human fault that lions going extinct. Like elephant and rhino for they tusks, lions is hunted mercilessly as trophy, with 60% being kill by American. Is only about 24,000 lion left, from 450,000 in 1950.

AO! Jesus of God, circle of life complete! Moo Mwah, old friend. I sorry I not have more "fight," AO. I am. I not really think I know what "fight" mean. Maybe in tapestry I can be that loose thread, the wonky one that never gonna be right.

Robot, you probable understand "is what it is," better than most, but oh how I wish could be otherwise.

Jaynie, I think some people maybe not understand my original posting. Granted, was quite verbose and ponderous, but thank you for you understanding. You right, AO care very much and she never take refuge in Cow's humor. I think that why she some time has to scream or turn away. I mean, Jesus, who can look at that mess straight on, with clear eye, for so long.

Bunny is right, we all has our way to deal. Is okay.

Bimi, is you really think I Andy Kaufmaning you? Even Andy Kaufman was not Andy Kaufmaning us.

SJ, I understand if you has to go, but I gonna miss you gentle energy very much.

alphaomega

Oh yes you do have "fight". No one tries to inadvertently or purposely tempt fate as many times as you have without "fight". Tell it to someone who might believe it, but you have proven otherwise. Countless times.

It is the responsibility of the strong to take care of the not so strong. A thread or so back you mentioned that you needed to be called out on your shenanigans. And that you made friends promise you they would if you started to slip too far.

Well if I had my druthers, I'd be scrambling through your phone book, calling every girlfriend in it and sending out an APB that old girl is going down quickly so we better get our sh-t together fast and help her. Then I'd call your brother. And I would sit with you and sit ON you, every minute of every day until you were sober for atleast 90 days.

I'm a Codie like that.

You are a fighter - look at what you have survived for Christs sake.

And your love for Maggie, well that just might be the topper on the whole AO heart shaped cake.

I'm so proud of you for being there for her it makes me crazy( ier ). There are no words to describe the gift you are giving her as she crosses to the next leg of her journey. You are a beautiful BEAUTIFUL human spirit.

The exact kind that proves to me that the Human Race is NOT natures greatest mistake...

Cow

Oh and yes, in case was not clear, I not drinking anymore. I never will drink again, as I now unable to drink without immediate and severe inflammation of pancreas and inhuman ungodly pain.

So, here we is, at the end of all things. And just like Frodo, for all his good heart and efforts, at end of day, after conquering even trecherous climb up Mount Doom, ring still had to be pry from his crazy addict hands.

biminiblue

I'm glad I never had children because I believe we are at a tipping point as a species and that the planet is in fact going to boot our sorry butts off and do a detox and start over.

The planet will survive. Unless we change our ways it will be a very sad place indeed. I'm a scuba diver, the lack of biodiversity in the oceans has increased exponentially since I started diving. It's evident in the lack of animal life as compared to 30 years ago. I don't even need studies and news clips to know this is true. A mass extinction/recreation is inevitable. We'll all be stardust

jdooner

At the risk of upsetting many of you, I find this thread sad. While I understand it’s under the auspices of recovery…I wonder if it really is productive? I mean getting better would imply forward progress. Even as Cow points out this is not the case. So in a way it just becomes enabling even if Cow secretly wants this attention based on Cow's talents (wit, humor, tenor). Are we not enslaving Cow to this thread, implied or otherwise?

We do this to Celebrities all the time. Stardom removes anonymity and at some point they become enslaved by their fame. Even low grade comedians and entertainers exhibit this phenomenon. There is a movie that personifies my point fully, The Wrestler with Mickey Rourke. Addicted to a cocktail of steroids and pills just to entertain and not even break even financially…addicted to the drama and the fame really. Is this different?

But nothing changes if nothing changes so is contribution really just enabling? Cow I sincerely hope you get better - if nothing else it would be great to read about your metamorphosis so we don't all milk you daily for our own needs.

Soberpotamus

Thank goodness you aren't going to drink again.

RobbyRobot

I wish it could be otherwise too, my friend Cow. Nonetheless, your heroic purposes and intentions are clear enough. Crystal clear in fact.

Your a remarkable person, Cow.

Soberpotamus

I don't want to leave your threads, Cow. It just hurts to watch sometimes. That was me beating my fists and kicking my feet I guess.

trachemys

And that is the best thing I've heard in oooh, VII Parts. I'm sorry you hurt.

RobbyRobot

I don't appreciate these Cow threads as train wrecks. It would be ideal if outcomes could just be granted as hoped for in each of our lives. Ideal yes. Realistic not so much. There is much of which to be sad here, and yet there is even more to be happy on if one takes a moment to consider the entire collection of posts from Cow and all contributors.

These threads are entirely different than being a source of enabling. In fact, these many contributions couldn't be more *not enabling* is my thinking on the worth of these threads.

jdooner

If you did you would not be contributing, which you are. I offered a perspective. Not all active addicts realize they are addicts either. Sometimes a different perspective is useful. Sometimes it is not. Sometimes it is just different.

AA suggests self centeredness is part of our addiction/alcoholism. As is EGO. What part about a thread (blog) devoted to one's self speaking in the third person that the contributor admits a feeling of obligation suggests this is healthy?

Again, I am not a regular contributor just a member making an observation.

RobbyRobot

Cow's talking in the third person is comedic fluff. I don't see it being anything else. I doubt in f2f talks she just continues the comedy unabated. The purple-ness of it all speaks for itself. Amongst all the humor, I can yet appreciate a real person giving of herself.

I think the threads provide for something Cow didn't for see - people caring importantly, and not just politely. I think now Cow fully appreciates she is loved, and that in her own way she has found a way to love us back each in our turn and collectively.

courage2

I agree. But as I said before, I don't find Cow entertaining. Not funny, not train wreck. She's a person. Part of my recovery is learning that other people are real. Even behind purple comic sans and funny syntax.

Cow, you're going to have a lot to deal with as the days go on while you're waiting to die. Life. We'll be here to talk about stuff.

soberlicious

I thought there had been subsequent use of alcohol since the meth OD. Was that 2 years free of substances? If not, then a clear baseline cannot be determined.

In any event, glad to hear you're not drinking again. This could be the beginning, not the end.

VikingGF

Hi, Cow-
Good to see you back. I have only commented one time on one of your threads, but I have read them all. But here's how I am: Sober for 60 something days, my dog died and I am getting some serious alarm bells about an addict who is near and dear to me and who (I think) has been sober for more than 7 years. But, that aside, I continue forward for that is the only direction there is. Right?

Sorry for your trouble- we certainly do all have our sack of rocks.

RobbyRobot

I'm unsure of how free of substances she remained since the meth OD. I doubt it was 2 years. As well, if in fact Cow has as yet not established a baseline, then that is totally on her and not her anhedonia is my opinion.

I do not for a minute believe anhedonia creates an impossible challenge to Cow's quitting drinking. I do believe her quitting drinking will not in itself bring her a new source for joy however, as it does for many of us in differing experiences.

biminiblue

Screw joy - how about just staying alive?

Who in the world experiences actual joy more than a few fleeting seconds at a time, seriously? I suppose small children do, or maybe parents of small children.

We've had this discussion here before. Spontaneous joy is not the main goal with sobriety for me. Joy is created by actions. I don't have actual sustained joy in my life unless I'm eating something delicious or I'm interacting in some way with animals. People don't do it for me. I may laugh, they may tickle my funny bone, but actual joy? No.

Once substance induced euphoria came to be for me, there was nothing that would match that. I just had to let that go. Exercise comes as close as possible.

jdooner

I used to confuse euphoria/joy with happiness/contentment. Many would argue life is not about joy and happiness comes from accepting life without blinders. Based on the transitive property life would then equal accepting suffering.

jdooner

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