bigsombrero

Glad there's no alien in there, Cow. Huge bonus.

Sorry to hear you're ailing. We're here supporting you through thick and thin. One day at a time, Cow.

Leshar

Hello Dear Cow,

My heart aches for you. My heart aches for me.
Surely there is more to life than what seems endless suffering?
I'm thinking of you today.

RobbyRobot

I believe it uber healthy to have open discussions on suicidal ideations no matter the individual circumstances which nourish such contemplations. All too often despair has taken center stage in peoples lives to a level that the taking of a life somehow seems to gain traction. Fear of open discussions is understandable of course, and yet openness is sorely and essentially needed when despair comes to town.

I understand how for myself what suicide offered me back when life sucked for me. Several times. There is always something worthy of examination when anyone of us comes to a realization that suicide offers something that living doesn't.

I feel for you, Cow.

I have hope (and already believe) you can more appreciate your circumstances are not impossible to live with. And by living I don't mean an end to suffering. I do believe misery itself is optional though, even when suffering is unavoidable

toddle118

Hello dear cow, been following you on facebook, am sorry you're struggling still, I am too, not been on here for ages, hospital admissions etc, ill, down, the usual, hope you can get some peace, lord knows I'm struggling too x

ESD907

I don't believe in suicide.

SoberLeigh

Good to see you, too, toddle. As Gardendiva, you have been missed.

toddle118

ESD907 - for some people life is too painful, I don't think anyone actually believes in suicide, but for some people life has become unbearable

SoberLeigh

((((cow)))); ((((leshar))));,((((everybody))))

toddle118

Thanks Soberleigh x

Been a pretty terrible few months, but we must continue and try and get well, yes? Hope you've been ok

SoberLeigh

((((cow)))); ((((leshar)))); ((((toddle)))); ((((everybody))))

ESD907

OH trust me...I know how life can suck. But when you sit at a bedside of someone fighting to live who is 11. You change your mind very quickly. I'm about to tell a story:

biminiblue

I know I thought of suicide pretty seriously one time. Even had a non-messy method and had laid out the "tools" - (vain 33 year old female, you know...leave a pretty corpse with no clean up for someone else.)

And that was a turning point in my life, although I couldn't have known it at the time. I was drinking pretty heavily at the time. As a matter of fact that was at the end of my drinking career (the first time). I subsequently in the next six months did everything I could to ensure I would be able to handle my life. I got divorced. I went nearly no-contact with my controlling (I think narcissist) mother. I read seemingly every self-help book known to woman. I dabbled in the church, and decided it wasn't for me; although I did get baptized, which was a huge spiritual relief. I read most of the Bible and other spiritual books. I learned to say "no". I didn't tie my worth to a man. I didn't even care if there was a man. I took care of myself. I had a handful of friends who didn't drink and I stuck with them.

The drinking fell by the wayside for 18 years - I didn't set out to stop drinking, I just didn't want to feel bad anymore and drinking wasn't helping me. I had no idea how much of my depression and anxiety was caused by alcohol until I stopped it. It had taken the very lowest time of my life to make the turn. Of course at the time I just wanted it all to stop. It did stop. I'm much more cautious about who I let in my inner circle now. I never did go back to weekly phone calls with mom. When she died we were on cordial terms and both could honestly say, "I love you." It was far better between us. I never remarried, so I'm not sure that wound will ever heal, but no matter. I live alone and for the most part am a happy person. I do have my "woe is me" moments - but who doesn't?

I'm with Robby. Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.

RobbyRobot

Suicide was never something I needed to believe in to seriously contemplate my options for the taking of my own life. Suicide is an action taken (or attempted). Its not a philosophy or otherwise something requiring a belief, in my experience.

Soberpotamus

I don't think suicide is so much a real "choice" but more like pressing a relief valve (in the mind of the suicidal person, anyway). My mom didn't want to die. She fought so hard to live. She didn't "choose" to go out that way.

I have contemplated it myself, and as early as age 12. So I know the mentality.

I can understand why it happens. I also remember being in such physical pain right before an emergency surgery that I, again, understood the option of suicide. Not that I would've done it in MY situation, because there were still other options. But had there been no option for pain relief... of course, it is quite understandable.

I still don't see it as a real "choice" however. And as Robby said, certainly not a philosophy.

ESD907

my son was born April 1,2002. it was the day after Easter. I already had 4 children. a 2 year old dynamo daughter and triplet boys. MY parents were alive then. We all lived near on another, we had a fantastic life. We lived on a chain of lakes in central Florida. My parents farm was doing ok. I worked there, my husband worked at "big company". sitting in a restaurant on Easter with my 5 of my 6 siblings and their families. My sibs are all male, I'm the lone female and youngest, so honestly, they cherished me. My nearest bro is 8 years older, the eldest 16 yrs older. I had 7 dads. MY husband had to pass many tests. Anyway.... we all went out for Easter dinner. NO one wanted the mess, I was overdue, my sis in laws (lazy) didnt want the mess, etc... SO we all said goodnight at 11pm, at 5 I was up and heading for the hospital. OF course, I called them all, because we are tight. HOW sweet when brothers call in sick to work to be with their sister having a baby. anyway.... we named the triplets after all of them, so we needed a new name. THOR was what was bandied about. We laughted, but since my dad ws from NORWAY...we said, why not. THOR was born. Ten pounds 11 ounces, 24 inches. broken shoulders due to size and vaginal. Thor is the sweetest. All of us simply love him. WE nicknamed him 'the lump' because you could put him anywhere, he'd be happy and smile and stay put. at 2, I thought 'the lump' might have issues..I brought him to many doc's...NO one said anything abnormal..BUT I knew. I KNEW. Finally, a pediatric neurologist said he's got Aspergers. (which in the USA now is not a word, the are all autistic now). so we went the therapy route. I said, you know..THOR has something else happening. I was shut down...I said..NO...he's got bags under eyes. NO, he's healthy, he is 5 8 150 pounds at 11. HE"S truly is THOR. I said... NO something else. Finally...he has leukemia. MY husband, Thors dad works out of the country. So with everything else, my husbands illness, my stupid alcy crap and now Thors Chemo. I find much of what people write about trivial. Sorry, if it offends anyone. if it does, I'll be gone from this site. but listening to people cry over nothing? I find it offensive. I do realize we all have our tolerances, but Im' hoping seeing someone elses fights might make you feel better about your own?

SoberLeigh

I agree, Robby. When despair (true, bottomless hopelessness/true and complete abandonment of spirit) comes to town, open discussions on suicidal ideation are essential. When my son died, I truly thought I would spontaneously die (believed the way I felt was incompatible with life and that death was certain and imminent); when I woke each morning, in despair of the task of facing and "living" the day, the thought of death became increasingly merciful.

Time and very powerful love healed my wounds; dear Cow, I have no solution; time and love can't heal anhedonia (sp?). Even so, I believe suicide is not the answer; its finality - the wreckage it leaves in it's wake . . . .

Soberpotamus

Cow, my thoughts are with you today *hugs*

Lucy, my puppy, was hit by a car yesterday. She was taken to the vet, and is now on pain meds. Broken pelvic bone. She is facing 6-8 weeks of low activity. Very sad and depressing. Still can't believe it happened.

I'm sipping on my tea this morning. Had my last cup of coffee yesterday. Not sure if I will be coffee-free or allow one cup in the morning. Going to wing it.

biminiblue

SJ, and that is why I think people in my state voted in the affirmative for the euthanasia legislation.

We each have our limits for physical pain, and being forced to be kept alive is really dehumanizing. The law allows for self administered drugs to be prescribed when a patient has been given six months to live. I know Seconal is used, maybe others. I mentioned this before, but the documentary "How to die in Oregon" is pretty intense, won the 2011 Sundance Film Festival. In the years since Oregon allowed it, we in Washington have followed suit.

I have to say, it is a relief to me to have this option. I accidentally witnessed a suicide by gun, no idea why he did it, but he was probably in his 70s or 80s, and I feel it was his life, his choice. By 70, we've been there done that.

toddle118

ESD - I'm truly sorry to hear your plight, I'm sure it was terrible, I know life is sacred, but each person is different, yes it may seem selfish because life is a gift, but perhaps for some it isnt? It can be torment, I'm not suprised you feel the way you do, but life means different things to different people, thats just how it is

ESD907

as I said above..I'm not a fan of suicide...but as Bimini has very well pointed out, and I honestly left it out is my dad. MY dad was dying. Hospice gives you a 'kit'.. its basically an assisted suicide kit. I knew what it was. I was the child of 7 that had the choice of life/death of my parents. my dad did die at home with hospice. I do understand some suicides. I even understand young people who are miserable....but there is always hope. I will give anyone hope. but the old and infirmed? NO. they can go. I just dont want a 30 year old to go. I want to talk to him, to find him something to live for. I do believe if we all stick together, we can find a purpose for most of us. am I wrong?