firewalkwithme

Don't know why, but randomly, after writing in my journal last night - felt the need to sit down and write out in 'public' a bit, instead of just hiding my thoughts and feelings and ramblings as usual. Hell, that right there is likely a huge part of the problem, isn't it?

My memory is hazed and foggy. I remember joining this site struggling to get a day or week, then disappearing into the real world without the internet much and ending up with almost 27 months sober. I excelled at work, moved out on my own - but ended up relapsing and even having a stay in the mental hospital. I moved back to the neighborhood I was born and raised in, closer to family. The place I moved to was very rough and full of drugs/drinking/dealers on the corners, hookers. You name it. It was the 'ghetto'. So I came back to my birth neighborhood. I was to be promoted to manager at my old job, but the human resources manager gave it to a random new person who he had went to high school with cause of their friendship and I got screwed over. I went into a fit and binged again, ended up quitting the job and thankfully to my mom, she got me into her job at the casino. The money was good, but it was easily, without hesitation the single-handed worst working experience of my life. The way you were treated, the drunks and seeing the drinking non-stop, being single at first and seeing/being approached by girls who were flirting wondering why I couldn't or didn't drink or couldn't be bothered by that and such.

Then I randomly met my now ex-girlfriend. We met like fate, new years eve. We were inseparable. I won't sit here and tell 'love' stories, but we were very happy initially, and I felt like I finally got the girl and had my little groove going. But still, not just the job. Weight. Unknown weight and heaviness on my shoulders. Feelings of hatred against my own-self. Feelings of disgust with who I am everyday. Feelings of wondering why I even bother. Not feeling good enough, like I deserve anything I had. Then going into the said job and increasing the weights. I was limping mentally and emotionally while trying to keep a cheesy smile on my face the whole time for my family, my ex. To look like I finally did it and was doing well and fine.

Work kept overpowering me. I was on medication, depakote and lexapro. But the work was killing me - anxiety, anger, frustration, nerves etc.,

I remember just telling two or three co-workers I was sitting on a drink and thinking of just going out to get drunk. So I ended up a day or so later doing just that. I held out for the day or two, but couldn't any longer and just went and grabbed a six-pack. Once again 'testing' my grip. Which I had done enough to know was dumb. I wanted to AGAIN see if I could handle just that six-pack, just let the edge off a little you know? .... You can figure out the rest from there. I binged, couldn't stop, had to take a medical leave from work for a month.

Went back to work, after big drunken argument with the ex, we slowly started to try and patch things up. I tried to just keep steady. I can note, the second time around, things quickly weren't the same for me internally with the ex. I almost knew it wouldn't be forever, who knows, perhaps I just wanted solace or comfort and to not be alone? I don't know the answer. But after a week or two of being back together with the ex, I started already again feeling like this may not work again. Shes an amazing person. AMAZING. She did nothing wrong to me. It just isn't going to work more or less, and mostly due to me. Things we want and expect and ask for and demand and the likes, just don't click together. We get along and have fun and are physically bonded and the likes, but more adulthood things are the issue for me. Finances, jobs, working, bills, wanting to help each other out more in that regard.

So again, to skip the romance side of things. Not even 90 days passes. I go to get another six-pack. I couldn't stop and ended up grabbing three. I went to work hungover and feeling like ****. Fast forward another week, I do it again and THIS time I actually only had one six-pack, felt good and went to bed.

Fast-forward one more time. I go and binge, quit my job, started texting random girls I don't even know well flirting like I may cheat on the now ex-girlfriend. I get into a big fight at the corner bar I swore I'd never go back to and end up having cops show up multiple times for gunshots. I go to the ex's house at one point and she goes through phone and catches texts and such, we fight, I leave, I break the big valentines day globe I bought her on the ground. I go back out again and keep drinking another day or two. I spend nearly all my money. I took all my medication with a beer to see if I would "overdose" or such.

I wake up at my mothers on the floor and dry heaving at one point. I detox and sleep it off a bit, go back to the hospital and get discharged with recovery plans to see new doctors for 'help'. The hallucinations and tremors and such have been so bad this time around.

Now the fog is going away from the detox. Now its just me and reality. Now I have to wonder how I am going to pay rent and keep my apartment and find a good enough job. Now tomorrow I go to employment services to try and work as much as possible to make money, even if minimum wage.

Now I have to balance, like an artform, how to tell myself I can do this and I'm strong enough while occasionally having swarming thoughts come in kicking my ass, asking me what the hell is my problem and who I am? Why and what is wrong with me?

I don't know. Just my rant. Thanks for reading.

RecklessEric

Hey, that's a powerful post.

I don't know what's wrong with you, or if there's anything wrong other than a problem with drink.
I find it impossible to stop once I start, so I'm doing my damnedest not to.
I suspect you know the truth about what causes your difficulties.

I mean, life can be hard, for everybody.
I just find that when I drink, it becomes a whole lot harder.

I have no great advice for you, my friend.
I just have good wishes for you.
Stay safe.

Soberwolf

Nice to meet you

Petewill

Sorry to hear that.. I can relate alot to things you shared..

Hevyn

Hi Fire. I'm sorry you're so down, but very glad you wanted to talk it over here. We care about you.

My life was in shambles too from drinking. As Eric said, life is much harder when we numb ourselves. We think we're making things easier to cope with, but the opposite is true. I know you're feeling anxious and alone right now. Every day you should feel a little better - hope will return. Hold on to the idea that there will be a brighter day - you have a whole life ahead of you. You can get free and make it what you want.

IOAA2

Hi. I’m saddened reading your post as it’s a big Remember When in many ways at the time I was in strong denial about my drinking and the way it was headed. I went to AA but “ I’M different” helped me stay drinking.
I rejected AAs second step that could ”restore us to sanity.” That meant to me I was insane which I refused to accept even though by drinking every day led me down that path.

One day someone explained to me the definition of insanity for many is to repeat many times the same thing and expect different results. That helped me recognize my insanity and go to work eliminating it successfully by just not drinking one day at a time for many thousands of days.
It does get better and better and better.

BE WELL

huntingtontx

We are all here for you. One day at a time, we can beat this. You are a worthwhile person with a problem. You know what the problem is, and you know the answer. Hang out with us. We care. I am glad you shared, I am sorry for your pain.