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Family Member Pushing Me Away After Years of Smothering



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Family Member Pushing Me Away After Years of Smothering

Old 09-06-2014, 07:53 PM
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He is constantly letting us know his health issues, so he doesn't ignore them. He stays on top of them. He never let that stop me from visiting before. He loves talking about his health issues. I think it gets him attention. So that hasn't changed at all.
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Old 09-07-2014, 08:48 AM
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Jennie,

plenty of dysfunctional stuff between me and my parents, esp. me and my dad.
and oh ja, i have been direct, when i had the guts, all my life. didn't help one bit. not one!

your GF might need what you see as his BS, for reasons unknown to you.
but oh, you don't really want to see him, you say, and it's just obligation. well, how lucky you are that now he doesn't want a visit then

(i get the rejection thing. the feeling rejected even though you don't want to see him anyways. the perceived rejection by him even though you've rejected him for years (obligation visits, don't want to be there).
i have some of those dynamics in my family, too, and with any relief that comes when i don't "have to" see my parents, there's guilt feelings mixed in.)
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Old 09-07-2014, 09:04 AM
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Jennie, why not just accept his answers and get out of the business of mind-reading.

My "Just For Today" calendar's thought today is:

"Just for today I will not assume I know others' motivations."


I find it exhausting to worry about what other people are thinking. I have enough trouble figuring myself out.
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Old 09-07-2014, 09:10 AM
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Gee thanks, Bimini. The sentiment is appreciated.
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Old 09-07-2014, 09:11 AM
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Yeah, Fini, points taken.

Well that about wraps it up.

Pointless thread. I get it.
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Old 09-07-2014, 11:58 AM
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Like a few others, I also suspect that old age may have a big role in his attitude. Maybe fears of his health failing and/or the inevitable end that he is trying to conceal this way. My father is 83 years old and I have been noticing some remarkable changes in his thinking and behavior. He often wants to talk on the phone for long hours, but more recently finds strange excuses when I bring up the question when I should visit next (he lives far from me in a different country). That never happened before and I am pretty certain it's his changes now. He never knew about my drinking problem so it has nothing to do with my sobriety or whatnot. I actually ask him sometimes what bothers him but try not to be intrusive. He wants to speak about death and lots of existential questions and we do that over the phone.

It's not a pointless thread at all, Jennie. Of course these things bother us and make us question ourselves as well! Maybe try to talk with him via the phone or email if you can?
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Old 09-07-2014, 12:08 PM
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Thanks, Haennie. I appreciate your understanding of the reason I started this thread. It just bothers me, that's it exactly. I am trying to understand, based on the reasons he tells me and it just doesn't make sense.

We do still talk on the phone, so maybe he'll be more forthcoming at some point.
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Old 09-07-2014, 07:29 PM
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oh no, not a pointless thread at all. certainly didn't mean to imply that.

i find it fascinating how i/you can feel/be rejected when we don't even want to be with the one who's supposedly rejecting me/you.

equally fascinating/irritating/infuriating how i can hang on and on and on to that...maybe you do, too?
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Old 09-07-2014, 08:44 PM
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Definitely NOT a pointless thread. I had to cut some family members out of my life bc they were bad for me. I wasn't mean about it and I'm still respectful when we are in one of the "family" situations. I never understood why they became like they were, and after a while, I chose not to be "abused" by them or party to their manipulations. Life is so much better without all of that. I don't feel guilty about my decision one bit. My son said to me one day "just bc they are blood, mom, does not make them family." Yep, that sums it up for me.

Praying for you to find peace in this situation.
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Old 09-08-2014, 07:14 AM
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I feel myself slipping into a depression. Some of these thoughts about my family are hitting me heavy lately. So angry, yet so sad over it all. It's not so much grief anymore over my mom or grandmom. I'm surveying the damage done over the years, and just super angry at the way things turned out. Such devastation. It was quiet devastation. The family dissipated. My grandmother wanted me to be the person to hold this family together after she died of cancer. I wanted nothing to do with them. I saw every single flaw and hated them for what they did, didn't do, said, didn't say. I turned my back on them. It felt like I had to in order to save myself from becoming like them. I wanted to get far away.

I know others will be able to relate. Coming from alcoholic, dysfunctional homes. Anyway, I focused on my education, and got away and stayed away.

But now that I'm sober and the chaos is no more... there's this gaping hole. And I am trying to make sense of it all.

My mom's death was a tragedy. My grandmother died from cancer consumed with resentment and hate. My grandfather lives in fear. My mother's two siblings practically disowned her. I was the favored oldest grandchild and so I'm sure you can guess how the family feels about me, the "deserter" of the family.

I feel very sad over it all now.
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Old 09-08-2014, 07:18 AM
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It's like fallout from a war that's over.
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Old 09-08-2014, 07:21 AM
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I'm mostly typing cathartically on this thread. Not really looking for an analysis from others, or a critique of my effed up thinking. This is just me working through my thoughts, fyi.
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Old 09-08-2014, 07:33 AM
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If this thread is helping you work things out in your head, Jennie, type away! I'm so sorry you're hurting. Sometimes we just gotta go through the pain and experience grief fully before we can let it go.

Sending you lots of love, healing and hope.
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Old 09-08-2014, 07:51 AM
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Thanks Readerbaby
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Old 09-08-2014, 07:51 AM
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Altoids, thanks for your prayers.
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Old 09-08-2014, 08:02 AM
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My family were not alcoholics just me. In my sobriety I had to cut my mother out of life. After she would visit my body would shake I would want to drink so badly. One day after her visit I realized I would/could not live up to her standards as she moves the standard depending on her mood. My siblings are still caught in mothers cycle of abuse. Sorry for stealing your thread.
Sad that siblings and I are all in our 50s.

If I was in your position, I would just jump in the car and go see my grandfather see what happens. If he seems closed off to you during the visit you can feel relieved knowing you took that step. After the visit you could always just call him once a week to say hello and check up on him.
No matter what remember your not responsible for what happened in your memories the adults those older are responsible. You have a husband now concentrate on Your house and create better memories for yourself. Don't carry the past on your shoulders.
As a alcoholic mother who is now sober. I told my girls I'm sorry for the person they could have been had they not had me for a mom...my kids are good upstanding adults and mothers whichI tell them allll the time. But they would not have the baggage and I tell them put the baggage on me not themselves. I can tell when they are starting to carry the baggage on their shoulders they sound like what you are typing. I get them to talk and they rant at me they feel better ( I feel sad for what I did what could have been different) but I rather they get the sadness out and transfer it back to me let me carry it. Luckily it's getting to be fewer and fewer times I see it in them and they rant.

You could not have changed anything your parents did or did not do you can only change what you do for the rest of your life.
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Old 09-08-2014, 08:41 AM
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Jennie, I understand how you are looking back at your family situation over the years with clear eyes and a different perspective, now that you are sober. I went through something similar and I realized that my family of origin was toxic to me. I had tried to help, cried at my failure to do so and made a decision to step away. This has been a good decision for me. I need peace in my life and I cannot afford to slip back into depression.

My suggestion would be to accept that you might never understand what is happening with your grandfather. It's a 'wait and see' situation, but don't let it pull you back into depression.

I am incredibly blessed that my husband's family is amazing and I love them all and they love me.
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Old 09-08-2014, 12:49 PM
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Klp and Anna, I appreciate your thoughts. It helps a lot.

I feel gripped by it all. And just so tired all of a sudden. It feels like I just want to give up trying.

So angry and disappointed and hurt. Angry with them and myself.

Anna, my husband is great. He helps me so much. Unfortunately, his family isn't a great blessing, lol. I've tried to love them, but I can't tolerate his mother. That's a whole story that I don't have the energy to deal with right now. She insulted me and I just haven't been able to be around her again. Maybe one day.
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Old 09-08-2014, 01:11 PM
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((Jennie))

Families and relationships are complex, and often times the pressure put on a person to hold it all together will make you retreat. I hope you find some answers soon. I too would likely just show up, but that's just my personality LOL.

It's ok to give up trying for a little bit and give your mind rest. However, when you are ready, try again. It may be something you are completely not even thinking of. Age does strange things to the mind sometimes.

Keep getting your feelings out. While it is tiring, it is also healing to your soul.

Hugs XXX
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Old 09-08-2014, 03:22 PM
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Hi Jennie,

Just wanted to say I get what you're going through. I experience pretty much exactly the same kinds of deferrals / avoidances / 'not-saying' from my two elder sisters. Both live interstate from me, one at the top end of Aus, the other at the bottom (Northern Territory and Tasmania). I'm sort of in the middle geographically, and feel somehow ...what? 'carefully segmented off' from each of them. The eldest is / has been a user of drugs and alcohol but not an addict of either; the second eldest is over 20 years clean in NA. Our father was a violent and untreated alcoholic in our growing up years and is long dead.

but I guess the adult children of alcoholics thing is in play here; given I'm nearly 60 and they're both over 60, you'd think we'd have managed to 'process' the damage. Apparently not!

I too often feel 'angry, hurt, disappointed'. Yeah, I do. It's ok to feel that stuff (doncha wanna SCREAMMMMM when people say that !)
Glad you posted about this; thought I was just being childish re my sisters..
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