Where are the unicorns and candy?
 

6 months in and now the roosters have come home to roost. Lost my ass on home sale, trophy wife who has put on 50 lbs since miscarriage has left and I am suppose to just keep trucking? I know I need to work the steps harder or pray more....yeah I get it but a feel good story that I just need to grin and bear it would be nice to hear. Thanks

I think the "pray harder and work the steps more" kind of sucks really. That seems to be the pat answer sometimes when sometimes ya just need to know that you are going to have to hurt a little bit and got through stuff a little bit and no amount of praying or step working is going to make that better right away. If you can apply a step that helps you get out of your head and do something for someone else fine. That will help you and the other person, but just saying work the steps is just not very helpful. Honestly, we just have to know that at times we have to continue to put our best foot forward and that time eventually heals the wounds.

Thanks. Time heals all wounds. I appreciate the reminder.

Did all this happen because of your alcoholism? I doubt it.

Miscarriage - not your fault. Not the wife's fault either. Very sorry for your loss :(

Gaining 50 pounds? Depression maybe? Miscarriage didn't help. It took me a long time to get over my miscarriage.

The house - yeah, that sucks. A lot of times house sales end that way.

So now what? I agree that prayer works...that and good nutrition, exercise and not picking up the drink. Sounds like you just need some healing. Do you have a friend or therapist? Any hobbies you really enjoy that you've been neglecting through all this? I'd say really focus on doing things you love right now, whatever that is.

It's going to be okay.

((eHug))

Not viewing women as a trophy would be a good start if you plan to seek another relationship in the future.

yes, making disparaging remarks about women is not going to get you a lot of responses...

frankly, your statement about your "trophy wife" daring to gain 50 lbs and the cold way you stated the loss of your child makes me disgusted. trophy wife who has put on 50 lbs since miscarriage has left

and all you can say is poor me?

I remember feeling particularly sucky walking home in the heat one day when I lived in Philly. I had to walk past a few nice underpasses where the drunks and has beens roost. I noticed my favorite guy "at work" attaching electrical wires to the fence looking certain he knew what he was doing. It was the essence of a pipe dream, a forgone conclusion long ago forgotten. This guy had given up on life but still felt societies pressures as we all walked by. So he picked up a trade that would have made Peter Pan proud. All I ever had to do on a glum day was check this line of guys out pretending to still be connected to life and I didn't feel so bad. At least I hadn't relocated myself under the bridge.

When I was having a hard time and things weren't going "my way", I focused on being of service to others and focusing on my recovery (ie the 12 steps and my plan). And maybe this is hokey, but perhaps you can make a gratitude list. Our problems really are relative and when we take a look at the positive, it can change our outlook.

You know, at first it seems like the healing is happening too slow.
But you know what? Before you know it, the decisions you'll make now, sober, will start slowly changing things for the better.
And things that drove you to the bottle will not seem so big anymore.
I know, it has happened to me over the last 13 months. :)

Thank you Scott totally agree

Well, you could think back on hard times that other people have had to endure in the past or what people have to live through currently in other parts of the world or even your own country, if that helps to put your situation into a different perspective.

I was never promised unicorns and candy, and besides, I don't really care about either. However, I did get back my self-control. I don't work the Steps. I do pray some, but not in the way AA/NA prescribes. However, I do wake up each day and accept life for what it is, and I work to change whatever I'm capable of changing.

I don't know that you have to grin and bear it, but looking to the future may be of help. As they say, you can't put toothpaste back into the tube, so let the past go.

All you got to do is put one foot in front of the other and breath. I guess there was no real love nor passion there for your "trophy wife"

There is no such thing as working the steps "harder" -- either you work them or you don't.

Praying isn't about quantity but sincerity.

Looking back on how bad my life was before I got sober, things are pretty "unicornish" for me. The fact that I don't wake up to the 4 horsemen (terror, bewilderment, frustration, despair) every morning like I used to when drinking is better than what any unicorn can offer me.

I think others have covered the "trophy wife" comment well enough that I won't pile on there. I'm sorry for the loss of your unborn child.

I'm going to give you a pass on the trophy wife, and assume the curtness was unintentional. While in relation to our drinking stretches 6 months sober seems huge, it's still early on.

In my personal journey I didn't even touch my walls of armor until that half year mark. I was pretty lack luster at the 6 month mark.

You've got this not drinking thing down, and I congratulate you on your 6 months. Now it's time to right the wrongs you've done to yourself. As annoying as it may sound, "Happiness" is unattainable until you find peace inside.

On the miscarriage sorry for the loss, your estranged wife must be carrying much more than 50 extra pounds. Some men don't process these losses like the ones who carried the baby. To those around the mother this baby is nothing more than a thought. To the mom it takes a little piece of her.

Try small acts of kindness if you'd like a little lift. Maybe a card to the wife?

Thanks everyone for your contributions and encouragement. I appreciate it very much. Lots of good wisdom in your shares. I managed to keep the door shut and keep trucking. I have had some good days and some bad days since but all of them have been mind altering free. I hope everyone else is doing well also.

I hit a point of surrender at around the 6month mark. I had some big issues weighing me down. Problems i had no control over i had no solutions i could grasp. Grinning and bearing it wasn even an option anymore. I had had it. I threw my hands in the air and gave it up and quit worrying about those issues. I felt amazingly liberated incredibly irresponable as well. I felt like the weight of the world was off my shoulders. and in time solutions to those problems did come but while i waited I was no longer "grinning and bearing it" so it was a relief.

For me I had to just let some stuff go. I had to quit shouldering stuff i couldnt do nothing about.

I still have to fight this battle all the itme with stuff. I have to go through my stack of problems take care of what i can shelve what i may not have a solution too and the stuffs that out of my league I pretty much let it go. Tho i'll be honest its not so easy to surrender and let it go sometimes. I really love to hold on to my BS and worry about it!.

Oh the Unicorns come at 1 year not 6 months but the candy exists and is all around you.

Your post sounds awfully self centered and lacking empathy for your wife. Stepwork is not about praying and hoping God fixes everything for you. That is the wish of an active alcoholic.

This.

Seriously there are a lot of cliches that get thrown around in recovery, but I happen to like cliches and there is none better than "living life on life's terms". A lot of crappy stuff has happened since I got sober, breakdown of my marriage, falling into debt, etc...but I don't dwell on them. Instead, I think of all the reasons I have to be grateful, there are many, and being sober is at the very top of that list.

I remember feeling sorry for myself for, maybe two months after I got sober, and then took a very conscious decision to get on with my life. I have refused to ever use my sobriety as a crutch, something to blame my problems on and have instead seen it as my absolute my best friend to help me get past any hurdles I come across.

Resentments are gonna bring you down faster than a five ton mac truck, brother. Life isn't always easy, but I don't ever recall anybody telling me it was supposed to be. It's all about perspective and how you choose to deal with the challenges put in front of you. My two cents, steps down from soapbox.

Sometimes you are the statue and sometimes you are the bird