mfanch

At the end of my progression, I drank/used because I was awake. I couldn't stand even one minute stark raving sober.

happyfree2525

I as a mother think I would drink at the end of the day just to calm my nerves from all the excitement during the day. I hate waking up in the morning hungover and trying to get kids up and ready for school. I hate when I go to a party and I will continue to drink until I black out, not caring that my young children see this and it bothers them. I did that last night, blacked out and don't remember putting them to bed. Pathetic!! I hate myself today for the way I have behaved in front of my children. One of my kids begs me not to drink anymore, worried I will die! I am pathetic!! Who continues to do something when they know it hurts their kids and scares them. An alcoholic I guess

ESD907

Hi happyfree....glad to see today is your quit day. believe it or not, before you know it a week will be done. Its truly worth it. to me, not having it in the house was huge in my quitting. (kind of like dieting, if the brownies are there, I'm not happy till theyre in my stomach). I also bring one of my children to the stores when I thought I might be tempted, I never bought wine in front of them when they knew what it was. I'd try that distracting thing, like go buy a bag of chips, and I'd grab a bottle, and buy some loaf of bread to cover it up. Thats all gone, all that secrecy. Its very refreshing. Been there done that on forgetting things I did with the children at night, plus..OH yes, I'll read a story tonight, and then I'd be sleeping way before them. (sleeping??passed out more likely). Feel free to pm me, if you ever need to talk.

happyfree2525

Hi ESD,

Thank you so much for reaching out to me, just reading your post is what is going to get me through this evening. I am trying to figure out what course of action is going to be the best route for me, did you go to AA?
Thank you!

gameofthrones10

When I started to drink I did it to feel less self conscious around strangers. Now I drink alone and I hide my booze. I also toss out the empty containers when everyone is asleep. It brings shame but that numbness is difficult for me to not seek out. One step at a time and I pray soon I can be rid of this demon.

ESD907

gameofthrones10. You can. I truly did the one day at a time 'thing'. Actually it was sometimes hour by hour. I'd say, okay. When the kids get home from school..you can have a drink. Then it was after dinner, you can have a drink. Then you know, its late, have that drink tomorrow. I always gave myself permission, and after a month or so, it was less and less. Still rears its ugly head occasionally, but now, I refuse, I don't want to hurt myself, or more so, my children.

Arbor

I'm a father. A family man. I'm sure it goes both ways. I drank in secret hiding bottles swigging off them in between dinner time, bath time, laundry, cleaning, yard work, all while being the primary bread winner. Day in day out. Terrible vicious cycle to feel the need to drink like this in order to keep going. But now I'm glad. Glad I now see the writing on the wall. Drinking turned on me at some point. I crossed that line. It no longer does what I want it to do anymore. I Drank all the fun out of it a long time ago. I consider myself lucky.

Inflagrante

I really identify with this. In my twenties, I was a social alcoholic, and I rarely drank alone. But in my thirties, I became a bit of a recluse with my drinking, especially after some really damaging personal issues. I didn't like getting drunk in front of people anymore because of the social consequences, so I drank alone. A lot.

The other day I was thinking how I'd like that boost that the first glass of alcohol gives me -- that feel-good feeling without having to do anything other than lift a glass. I think it's going to be a long time before I give up wanting that quick fix, especially since I've gotten so accustomed to it for the past 25 years. I'm also really accustomed to feeling ashamed of myself, and I'm not sure that I've ever really been proud of who I am.

Right now I want to feel proud more than anything.

heartcore

I was also an alone drinker. I was sober when my children were little, but began drinking again after they were grown and gone.

I live alone, so it wasn't to hide my drinking from anyone. I think I drank alone and at home because I felt that I couldn't get myself in as much trouble that way. At bars, being a woman alone, you're either fending off male attention or accepting it and ending up involved with someone sketchy (at least that was my experience). I also never wanted to drive drunk - I was very scared of hurting someone else or getting a DUI and thus losing my job.

The other aspect of alone drinking was the "joy of just thinking," at least that is how I would have justified it while drinking. Sitting on the porch, drinking and smoking, thinking, spinning thoughts incessantly, sometimes writing shaky and angry journal entries.

I was very lonely. I didn't exercise after work, or take walks in the sunshine, or do art projects, or even do my dishes. I didn't prepare real food for myself or play music or read. When you're drunk, the only activities that are doable are watching tv or movies, thinking on the porch, or, well, thinking on the porch. Then passing out.

I do recommend AA. My evenings now are connective and interesting. I look forward to seeing people who I feel accept me and help me grow. Sometimes I come home all amped up from a meeting, and do actually undertake a creative project or do the dishes or dance around the living room.

If you're used to a lot of time alone, the new social connection in AA feels a little overwhelming, but hang in there - it shifts and does become fun.

And I still get a lot of thinking done, and journalling, but now it is coherent and semi-linear and I feel that it contributes to some sort of growing understanding of myself instead of just looping in angry, hurt, lonely circles.

Sobriety feels a zillion times more hopeful. I like myself again, and feel like I'm living my life as it was meant to be lived, instead of hiding from it. I am happy.

dSober

Sorry but not just women/mothers. Alcohol is an equal opportunity destroyer.

ESD907

dsober, I'm well aware alcohol doe not discriminate. I was simply making the observation, regarding myself mostly, that it wasn't like I was socializing with anyone, It was making my life way more miserable, in every facet. And we mothers, women, I can only speak for myself, is that reading posts, so many of us were not going to the pub, we were not living lives like "The Real Housewives of _____________________". I was saying, I was giving up nothing even remotely decent. IT was all crapola that I gave up. NOTHING good when I drank. I wasn't the life of the party. I wasn't more witty. I was simply alone, being a terrible mother/wife. I hope you understand what I mean by this. Some gave up social lives, Or friends. I gave up neither. I gave up overweight, bloat, being a all around AH to my family, etc etc. Didn't have Friday nights after work, or weekends on the boat, or working in the garage with a few beers, or mowing the lawn on my tractor drinking a cold one in the hot sun...

dSober

Me neither. All I had, or wanted, was me, my bottle and the liquor store where'd I'd get the next one. We all bleed when we cut ourselves.

F50Lurker

Heartcore, thanks - your message is very meaningful to me.

BackToSquareOne

I started out as a social drinker in my younger years. Over 3 decades later I had become a solitary, at home drinker. I kept a well stocked home bar spending hundreds of dollars at a time. One of my biggest fears was running out so I never let my supply get too low. I dreaded the thought of withdrawal/detox starting up and not having any vodka or other hard liquor on hand to calm things down. I would eventually get too sick to drink any longer so I had to go through many horrific detoxes anyhow. I doubt my body had many detoxes left in it when I gave up on drinking for good. My final detox was done in the hospital over 6 years ago. I would not wish some of those detox periods on my worst enemy. So why did I drink, I started out as a social drinker and turned into someone who thought they needed it to survive.

VikingGF

I drank alone, I drank together, I drank in secret and I announced it to the world. As long as there was a drink involved, I was there for it. But then, I'd go home and drink alone- and after awhile, the home alone days became my preference. No one to judge me, no one to drink my booze, no one who drank too slow and made me look like I was inhaling wine 5x faster then them, which of course, I usually was. I drank because it was a habit, it was what I did.

I had to stop lamenting the years I drank away. They will never come back. I have forgiven myself and on I go.

It's great that you have 2 years, ESD907- you should be proud. There is no doubt you can do Whole 30- if we can kick the booze, we can do anything we put our mind to.

Peace.