Making Peace With Scars
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Connecticut
Posts: 124
Making Peace With Scars
I woke up irritated and cloudy again today. I tossed and turned most of last night, but I spent it sober. My kids are at school and I'm home listening to the landscapers mow the lawns outside. I decided to write.
I want to face all of the things that are hard for me to accept. I want to name them, so that I can come face to face with them again today. I think of them, from time to time. But I want to dig deeper. Wounds heal with time, but scars are forever. And scars, although a helpful reminder of our strength and courage, can, at times, cause us to doubt, as well. We must face our hurts, I think. It's the only way to get through.
I was adopted at birth. My biological mother does not want to have close contact with me, and my biological father and his family are very religious and view the world in terms of fundamental Christianity. He judges me and misunderstands me, and that hurts me. I have lived with feelings of abandonment and not feeling like I'm "enough." My adopted parents are miserable people. They have an extremely unhappy marriage and do not communicate well at all. They are also judgmental and exercise bigotry on a daily basis. This concept of "family" has always been hard for me and it's one of my biggest hurts. I don't know where I belong and where I fit in. I feel like if I were to be my true self, I would not be accepted.
Four years ago, I was very close to joining a cult without realizing it. A group of people from the South tried to get my family and I to come live with them, as they spread their message of hatred for all of those "condemned by God." They considered a vast majority of the world to be heathen and unsaved. They were vengeful, judgmental, and very narrow-minded. These people took fundamentalism to the extreme and it nearly cost me my family and all that was good in my life. I do not know if I have ever truly healed from that experience.
When I was 16, I fell in love. I thought it would last forever. It didn't. We broke up a year later. There was a restraining order, nasty phone calls, obsession, manipulation, and hurt. I do not know if I have ever truly healed from that experience. I gave up music, I took up drinking, I stopped going to school, and I stayed in bed most of the day. This began the start of my addiction. A very prominent part of my life.
My sister was also adopted. She, however, lived with her biological family until she was about 5 years old. They abused her, or so the stories go. We adopted her at the age of 7. She became very conflicted when she entered her teen years. She began to lash out and rebel against the family. My parents had her admitted several times into the hospital's psych ward, only furthering her own negative view of herself and her life up until that point. My parents then took control of her first two children when she had them, and claim to have "saved their lives" from their negligent, selfish mother. My sister now lives with her boyfriend and her two other sons, fighting for custody of her first two children. Most of my family shuns my sister, because of made up stories my mother chose to share with our entire circle of people. I feel so much pain and hurt for my sister. I want to help her, but I don't know how. And I'm shocked as hell that I'm the one drinking and she is completely sober and living her life every day with what strength she has left. This is our life, I suppose.
I'm hurt because of how my children and husband have suffered, as a result of my drinking. I read yesterday how some of you are now taking better care of your pets, now that you're sober. That's amazing. Likewise, I think as parents we have a duty to our loved ones, especially the two little feet that scamper around the halls of our homes (or however many children you have). My oldest daughter learned to get up, get herself dressed, feed herself breakfast, and sit at the edge of my bed with a book until I woke up, by the time she was 3 years old. This brings my heart sadness, and it needs to stop. TODAY. I can't regain those lost years, but I can start afresh today.
My sex drive died with my addiction. I think it's the topic least talked about, but I'd like to address it here. It's been a big struggle for me. I just became dead in that area. No desire. Nothing. And for me, the only time I can remember feeling any desire, is when it's been induced by alcohol. But this only further kills off my desire for sex, so it's a false sense of arousal. I shouldn't need to drink to feel desire. And I shouldn't feel no desire while sober. If any of you have any insight into how this part of your life healed, please share with me.
I just feel guilty and ashamed ALL THE TIME. I don't even know where it started, but I know I always feel wrong, dirty, to blame, and extremely insecure. I blame myself all the time, and I'm the first to say "sorry" or "Yeah, that's probably my fault...", even if it's not. And I'm always afraid the worst will happen. I have nightmares constantly. I always have these torturous, intrusive thoughts about death, natural disasters, and "the end." When will it stop?
These are only a few of the things I've struggled with over the years. I have to make peace with these scars. I have to find a way. I want to hear your stories. They help me. Please share with me.
I want to face all of the things that are hard for me to accept. I want to name them, so that I can come face to face with them again today. I think of them, from time to time. But I want to dig deeper. Wounds heal with time, but scars are forever. And scars, although a helpful reminder of our strength and courage, can, at times, cause us to doubt, as well. We must face our hurts, I think. It's the only way to get through.
I was adopted at birth. My biological mother does not want to have close contact with me, and my biological father and his family are very religious and view the world in terms of fundamental Christianity. He judges me and misunderstands me, and that hurts me. I have lived with feelings of abandonment and not feeling like I'm "enough." My adopted parents are miserable people. They have an extremely unhappy marriage and do not communicate well at all. They are also judgmental and exercise bigotry on a daily basis. This concept of "family" has always been hard for me and it's one of my biggest hurts. I don't know where I belong and where I fit in. I feel like if I were to be my true self, I would not be accepted.
Four years ago, I was very close to joining a cult without realizing it. A group of people from the South tried to get my family and I to come live with them, as they spread their message of hatred for all of those "condemned by God." They considered a vast majority of the world to be heathen and unsaved. They were vengeful, judgmental, and very narrow-minded. These people took fundamentalism to the extreme and it nearly cost me my family and all that was good in my life. I do not know if I have ever truly healed from that experience.
When I was 16, I fell in love. I thought it would last forever. It didn't. We broke up a year later. There was a restraining order, nasty phone calls, obsession, manipulation, and hurt. I do not know if I have ever truly healed from that experience. I gave up music, I took up drinking, I stopped going to school, and I stayed in bed most of the day. This began the start of my addiction. A very prominent part of my life.
My sister was also adopted. She, however, lived with her biological family until she was about 5 years old. They abused her, or so the stories go. We adopted her at the age of 7. She became very conflicted when she entered her teen years. She began to lash out and rebel against the family. My parents had her admitted several times into the hospital's psych ward, only furthering her own negative view of herself and her life up until that point. My parents then took control of her first two children when she had them, and claim to have "saved their lives" from their negligent, selfish mother. My sister now lives with her boyfriend and her two other sons, fighting for custody of her first two children. Most of my family shuns my sister, because of made up stories my mother chose to share with our entire circle of people. I feel so much pain and hurt for my sister. I want to help her, but I don't know how. And I'm shocked as hell that I'm the one drinking and she is completely sober and living her life every day with what strength she has left. This is our life, I suppose.
I'm hurt because of how my children and husband have suffered, as a result of my drinking. I read yesterday how some of you are now taking better care of your pets, now that you're sober. That's amazing. Likewise, I think as parents we have a duty to our loved ones, especially the two little feet that scamper around the halls of our homes (or however many children you have). My oldest daughter learned to get up, get herself dressed, feed herself breakfast, and sit at the edge of my bed with a book until I woke up, by the time she was 3 years old. This brings my heart sadness, and it needs to stop. TODAY. I can't regain those lost years, but I can start afresh today.
My sex drive died with my addiction. I think it's the topic least talked about, but I'd like to address it here. It's been a big struggle for me. I just became dead in that area. No desire. Nothing. And for me, the only time I can remember feeling any desire, is when it's been induced by alcohol. But this only further kills off my desire for sex, so it's a false sense of arousal. I shouldn't need to drink to feel desire. And I shouldn't feel no desire while sober. If any of you have any insight into how this part of your life healed, please share with me.
I just feel guilty and ashamed ALL THE TIME. I don't even know where it started, but I know I always feel wrong, dirty, to blame, and extremely insecure. I blame myself all the time, and I'm the first to say "sorry" or "Yeah, that's probably my fault...", even if it's not. And I'm always afraid the worst will happen. I have nightmares constantly. I always have these torturous, intrusive thoughts about death, natural disasters, and "the end." When will it stop?
These are only a few of the things I've struggled with over the years. I have to make peace with these scars. I have to find a way. I want to hear your stories. They help me. Please share with me.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
Originally Posted by TheRestorative 
If any of you have any insight into how this part of your life healed, please share with me.
maybe not the same as before
but, satisfying
in early sobriety our sex drive (life) should not be one of our main concerns
I know
not as easy as it sounds
MM
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: North East, US
Posts: 2,310
Originally Posted by TheRestorative
I just feel guilty and ashamed ALL THE TIME. I don't even know where it started, but I know I always feel wrong, dirty, to blame, and extremely insecure. I blame myself all the time, and I'm the first to say "sorry" or "Yeah, that's probably my fault...", even if it's not. And I'm always afraid the worst will happen. I have nightmares constantly. I always have these torturous, intrusive thoughts about death, natural disasters, and "the end." When will it stop?
.
.
I quit drinking nearly a year and a half ago. I'm also a momma of 2 little ones almost 9 and 5. The beginning is tough it's hard to be alone without diluted and muted thoughts. Be easy on yourself let these pains and struggles come and go. I highly recommend a journal. It helps to find yourself and replace negative self talk with words of self encouragement!
In time you'll see your scars as beauty and not flaws they make up the beautiful map that is you. You are worth fighting for. Congrats on starting this amazing journey welcome to the family!
Om, Aum, Ohm...
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Punxsutawney/Pittsburgh
Posts: 4,797
My details are different, but the outline is the same. I came from dysfunction, too, and I brought it into the lives of my children. It took getting sober, remaining sober, and doing a thorough inventory to recognize that I could change nothing in others. All I could do was to look around me, see what I could change in me, and build my family from there.
That means I live in loving detachment from many of the members of my biological family. If they come to me for help or support and I can see clearly that I have the ability and resources to provide it, I will -- just as I would for anyone, regardless of DNA. If they're looking to draw me into their chaos, or if assisting them would put my children or husband in jeopardy (that's the case with a couple of them), I decline. I no longer feel a sense of duty to involve myself or my immediate family in the lives of sick people over the accident of birth.
Don't take the first drink, and you have the opportunity to make amends to your husband and children. It's not accomplished with a simple, "I'm sorry." For most of us, it takes the form of action, change, and time.
Peace & Love,
Sugah
That means I live in loving detachment from many of the members of my biological family. If they come to me for help or support and I can see clearly that I have the ability and resources to provide it, I will -- just as I would for anyone, regardless of DNA. If they're looking to draw me into their chaos, or if assisting them would put my children or husband in jeopardy (that's the case with a couple of them), I decline. I no longer feel a sense of duty to involve myself or my immediate family in the lives of sick people over the accident of birth.
Don't take the first drink, and you have the opportunity to make amends to your husband and children. It's not accomplished with a simple, "I'm sorry." For most of us, it takes the form of action, change, and time.
Peace & Love,
Sugah
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Melbourne, Victoria
Posts: 215
I believe the I.S. M. part of alcoholism stands for
Internal, spiritual, maladjustment.
Your a wise old soul and you have been to the after life and back many times. Deep down you know what's it's like on the other side and you want to get back.
That's why you feel the way you do,
I don't fit in
is this it? Is this all there is to life?
Irritable
Restless
Discontent
You can feel lonely in a room full of people... am I right?
You see them all laughing and happy and fitting in but if you try, you feel fake.
My opinion is you have a hole, a spiritual one, that alcohol fills temporarily
After a few drinks the feelings disappear don't they?
A sense of ease and comfort, the world is Ok
Till the next morning.
There is a solution :-)
Internal, spiritual, maladjustment.
Your a wise old soul and you have been to the after life and back many times. Deep down you know what's it's like on the other side and you want to get back.
That's why you feel the way you do,
I don't fit in
is this it? Is this all there is to life?
Irritable
Restless
Discontent
You can feel lonely in a room full of people... am I right?
You see them all laughing and happy and fitting in but if you try, you feel fake.
My opinion is you have a hole, a spiritual one, that alcohol fills temporarily
After a few drinks the feelings disappear don't they?
A sense of ease and comfort, the world is Ok
Till the next morning.
There is a solution :-)
Failure Is Not An Option
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Carmichael, CA
Posts: 244
Hello TheRestorative,
Hit up the blog area. That's where I put all my f#*%'d up s&$t. I put it there so I can refer to it whenever I think about taking a 1st drink.
I'm the least qualified person to give you advice in this situation, but it appears there are people and other things in your life you could throw yourself into to get your focus off yourself and the past.
You write good posts. Thank you.
Resolv
Hit up the blog area. That's where I put all my f#*%'d up s&$t. I put it there so I can refer to it whenever I think about taking a 1st drink.
I'm the least qualified person to give you advice in this situation, but it appears there are people and other things in your life you could throw yourself into to get your focus off yourself and the past.
You write good posts. Thank you.
Resolv
happy, joyous an free!
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: northeast
Posts: 693
so glad you are here Restorative and that you are choosing sobriety. you can heal. unfortunately to do this we have to stop numbing ourselves and look at the hurts, the scars. your post shows amazing strength. you are looking at and identifying the scars and have a desire to be whole.
my family of origin is/was... not as bad as some but left deep scars. and my drinking career gave me many more scars. getting sober wasn't enough for me. i needed recovery. i have used the 12 steps, in my own way, and have discovered a better way to live. but that's not all i have done or do by a long shot. it is a base, a foundation, from which i have grown. having a program of some kind, reaching out for help, friends in recovery all has helped me not drink so i could grow into the person i was meant to be.
i am in therapy now dealing with the deeper wounds and the current struggles. a suggestion only but if you look into therapy, which i think could really help, find a psychologist. it is really helping me.
again, glad you are here. stick around, you're not alone. don't drink, in my experience it has never helped me in any way. it gets better. you are worthy of a full and satisfying life! reach for the stars hon!
my family of origin is/was... not as bad as some but left deep scars. and my drinking career gave me many more scars. getting sober wasn't enough for me. i needed recovery. i have used the 12 steps, in my own way, and have discovered a better way to live. but that's not all i have done or do by a long shot. it is a base, a foundation, from which i have grown. having a program of some kind, reaching out for help, friends in recovery all has helped me not drink so i could grow into the person i was meant to be.
i am in therapy now dealing with the deeper wounds and the current struggles. a suggestion only but if you look into therapy, which i think could really help, find a psychologist. it is really helping me.
again, glad you are here. stick around, you're not alone. don't drink, in my experience it has never helped me in any way. it gets better. you are worthy of a full and satisfying life! reach for the stars hon!
Recovering ostrich
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Tampa Bay, Florida
Posts: 2,551
Glad you're posting! I don't have the same story, have the same weirdness and as a result carried a lot of shame and guilt, sometimes over nothing.
I found that the more time I spent sober, the more my shame abated. For now, I would say to just work on staying sober. That is the bet way to apologize to you child and husband. They love you and they want you better. Keep posting, journaling is healthy, the suggestion to see a therapist is a great one to work through all of that.
I found that the more time I spent sober, the more my shame abated. For now, I would say to just work on staying sober. That is the bet way to apologize to you child and husband. They love you and they want you better. Keep posting, journaling is healthy, the suggestion to see a therapist is a great one to work through all of that.
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