A Road Less Traveled - One Year Today
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3,359
A Road Less Traveled - One Year Today
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth
Robert Frost
Well, today marks my one year anniversary. Funny I don’t feel any different from yesterday. I do, however, feel like a very different man than the one who introduced himself on this site last year.
This is my journey into recovery. I have abridged my backstory, which has been shared prior and I don’t feel its needed. Sufficed to say, I had lost my soul. I journeyed into hell but it was a private journey not understood from even the closet around me. Part of this was due to not letting even the closest in my walls and some codependency and part was due to my ability to travel extensively for work and lead two very different lives and personalities that began to collide, which is where the hell came in.
Sufficed to say, I believe I am an addict at my core before I ever picked up a drug or drink. Part of this is due to genetics and part is due to a perfect storm of abuse, excess, and other environmental factors. It does not matter really, other than to pass time debating on SR:-) There were many moments that my story could have taken a very different path but it didn’t and I am truly grateful for this. I regret nothing in my past, as collectively it has allowed me to get to this very moment that I write to you.
I had the honor of meeting with an SR friend last week. One who helped me a few months into this journey. It was fitting for this transition that I am now going through. A trust that was grown against all odds - just like this journey. There is another member here that I have developed a rather unconventional friendship with closer to me in than what I have ever experienced. Two people coming together in cyberspace, trusting in something/someone we cannot see with a shared affliction, helping each other through tough storms like a beacon of light from the the rocky coast. In some instances this relationship provided the accountability to keep me sober and in some cases a perspective I could not attain in real life.
This past year has felt like basic training. But I am not heading off to war. Instead, I have been trained to become an artist. Baudelaire describes an artist as an artist only because of his exquisite sense of beauty, a sense which shows him intoxicating pleasures, but which at the same time implies and contains an equally exquisite sense of all deformities and all disproportion. I no longer fight my inner demons but accept and am aware of their deformities in all their glory. De Melllo might describe this as awareness.
On the physical side four months after quitting the booze, I began a Paleo style diet, which cut out all wheat based products (mainly bread). I treat bread like alcohol, as I recognize the same addictions. I do not eat it under any circumstances. At a molecular level the composition resembles alcohol actually - this never dawned on me until recently - both are just fermented yeast.
I have also cut out processed foods including pasta, soda, concentrated juices, candy, ice cream, potato chips. I now eat only fresh free range game and non farm raised fish, as well as anything that can be pulled or picked. I do allow >60% cocoa based chocolate. This has all resulted in 43lbs lost and a sub 15% body fat composition - my goal is 200lbs at 6’ 1” puts me back to my early twenties and when I was once a professional athlete. I did allow myself some leniency on the sugars during my current vacation - living in the grey.
Mentally, the decision to quit came from a moment of clarity and what I believe was an inspiration from my then two year old son. However, execution has been much much more difficult. To start, I did not loose many things around me and I quit on my first try. So intellectually, acceptance of being an alcoholic has been difficult. I have been lucky to have a few friends that care and could see through my false bravado to the pain inside and helped shepherd me into AA. AA worked well initially, as I bought into much of the rhetoric but was admittedly put off by many of the people. But I forced myself to go through the motions because I wanted the outcome of sobriety. Th quality of the sobriety did not matter to me in those early months. So I tried to will the solution. But what was the solution? It would take another five months for me to actually hear the solution as I understand it and pass along to other alcoholics.
As my body healed and physically I detoxed from the toxic foods I was consuming, I have noticed my mental capacity has improved dramatically. I deal with large numbers and complex transitions and algorithms. I feel they are like child's play now. The same holds true with some of my technologies. To think I struggled with Thévenin’s theorem:-) Child’s play (at least I am aware of my ego here).
About four months into my program after some issues with my sponsor’s sponsor at the time, I felt AA was a cult. With the encouragement of some members here I moved to Rational Recovery. I bought the books and read the pointedly anti AA rhetoric. I liked the idea of no meetings and self empowerment. What I did not realize at the time is I did not need to live in the black and white between the two programs.
I didn't trust others and trusting a power that I never really believed in was difficult for me to turn my will over too. This stems back to some of my abuse as a child. But part of the problem was my inability to succumb to the process fully. Herein lies the challenge with acceptance. Accepting I am an addict means accepting that I will never drink or use again…this is a big pill to swallow (pun intended).
Spiritually, I had a business trip to Jackson Hole around 6 months and this was a turning point for me. I began observing these events around me that seemed rather coincidental. Dr. Carl Jung writes of them as sychronicities, two or more events that happen at an exact moment in time causing a coincidence and unlikely to be casually related. I started to observe more and more of these and I was shocked. I also began to test my hypothesis that if I kept doing the next right thing that I would be protected. I had several temptations on this trip, all of which I abstained. So I put the hypothesis to the test by jumping Cobett’s Couloir about a 40 foot cliff drop when done from skiers left. Sure enough I nailed it and I felt euphoric feeling of being protected. Most likely this was due to an adrenaline high and endorphins but it was comforting. I believe this was my moment of beginning to build faith in a higher power, which is not a deity.
After Jackson, I began working AA’s steps more earnestly. One day I got a message from a clairvoyant friend that I was going to be hit out of left field by a “discord” and I would blow up like a water heater. Turns out this message became a self fulfilling prophecy as my wife read my emails of me trying to figure out what this message might be.
Even though I was wrong, I turned it around on my wife and blew up like that water heater. Not knowing whether I would be getting a divorce I went to the source of the heads up, the clairvoyant friend and she told me I cannot be quiet with the voices in my head and the monkey on my back called addiction. She said I am not sober…emotionally sober. She was right, there were still behaviors at that time I was still hooked on and needed to distance myself from…she told me I needed a new sponsor. This did not all sink in until the next day and my radio in my new Range Rover would not turn on on the way to the pool for my AM swim. I tried to restart the car seven times and then I remained with my voices for the 30 minute drive and it all became clear. I knew exactly who my sponsor was going to be and how the puzzle pieces fit.
As soon, as things became clear the next time I started the car the radio turned on and has worked since - dealership cannot find any faults. My new step sponsor read the book like I had never understood it…it made sense. My 4th step was deeply impactful and I could feel the tectonic plates of my being moving. This resulted in two very profound dreams - there have been five in total over the past year.
Completing the steps was less profound than I had imagined but steps four and five were moving. I have recovered from my Alcoholism - not cured but recovered. I live in steps 10-12 and sponsor two guys. The icing for me was a call I received from one sponsee telling me his family and marriage are coming back together as a result of his work. He has hope again.
I was as cold as ice for most of my life. I never did anything for anyone without an ulterior motive. I guess I am still doing that - my ulterior motive is to stay sober and work with others but its less manipulative than before. Still self centered but less self righteous, lol.
For those that took the time to read, thanks. I look forward to using my skills daily in what life challenges me with. I am grateful for all those that have and will touch me and hope I can return the gesture.
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth
Robert Frost
Well, today marks my one year anniversary. Funny I don’t feel any different from yesterday. I do, however, feel like a very different man than the one who introduced himself on this site last year.
This is my journey into recovery. I have abridged my backstory, which has been shared prior and I don’t feel its needed. Sufficed to say, I had lost my soul. I journeyed into hell but it was a private journey not understood from even the closet around me. Part of this was due to not letting even the closest in my walls and some codependency and part was due to my ability to travel extensively for work and lead two very different lives and personalities that began to collide, which is where the hell came in.
Sufficed to say, I believe I am an addict at my core before I ever picked up a drug or drink. Part of this is due to genetics and part is due to a perfect storm of abuse, excess, and other environmental factors. It does not matter really, other than to pass time debating on SR:-) There were many moments that my story could have taken a very different path but it didn’t and I am truly grateful for this. I regret nothing in my past, as collectively it has allowed me to get to this very moment that I write to you.
I had the honor of meeting with an SR friend last week. One who helped me a few months into this journey. It was fitting for this transition that I am now going through. A trust that was grown against all odds - just like this journey. There is another member here that I have developed a rather unconventional friendship with closer to me in than what I have ever experienced. Two people coming together in cyberspace, trusting in something/someone we cannot see with a shared affliction, helping each other through tough storms like a beacon of light from the the rocky coast. In some instances this relationship provided the accountability to keep me sober and in some cases a perspective I could not attain in real life.
This past year has felt like basic training. But I am not heading off to war. Instead, I have been trained to become an artist. Baudelaire describes an artist as an artist only because of his exquisite sense of beauty, a sense which shows him intoxicating pleasures, but which at the same time implies and contains an equally exquisite sense of all deformities and all disproportion. I no longer fight my inner demons but accept and am aware of their deformities in all their glory. De Melllo might describe this as awareness.
On the physical side four months after quitting the booze, I began a Paleo style diet, which cut out all wheat based products (mainly bread). I treat bread like alcohol, as I recognize the same addictions. I do not eat it under any circumstances. At a molecular level the composition resembles alcohol actually - this never dawned on me until recently - both are just fermented yeast.
I have also cut out processed foods including pasta, soda, concentrated juices, candy, ice cream, potato chips. I now eat only fresh free range game and non farm raised fish, as well as anything that can be pulled or picked. I do allow >60% cocoa based chocolate. This has all resulted in 43lbs lost and a sub 15% body fat composition - my goal is 200lbs at 6’ 1” puts me back to my early twenties and when I was once a professional athlete. I did allow myself some leniency on the sugars during my current vacation - living in the grey.
Mentally, the decision to quit came from a moment of clarity and what I believe was an inspiration from my then two year old son. However, execution has been much much more difficult. To start, I did not loose many things around me and I quit on my first try. So intellectually, acceptance of being an alcoholic has been difficult. I have been lucky to have a few friends that care and could see through my false bravado to the pain inside and helped shepherd me into AA. AA worked well initially, as I bought into much of the rhetoric but was admittedly put off by many of the people. But I forced myself to go through the motions because I wanted the outcome of sobriety. Th quality of the sobriety did not matter to me in those early months. So I tried to will the solution. But what was the solution? It would take another five months for me to actually hear the solution as I understand it and pass along to other alcoholics.
As my body healed and physically I detoxed from the toxic foods I was consuming, I have noticed my mental capacity has improved dramatically. I deal with large numbers and complex transitions and algorithms. I feel they are like child's play now. The same holds true with some of my technologies. To think I struggled with Thévenin’s theorem:-) Child’s play (at least I am aware of my ego here).
About four months into my program after some issues with my sponsor’s sponsor at the time, I felt AA was a cult. With the encouragement of some members here I moved to Rational Recovery. I bought the books and read the pointedly anti AA rhetoric. I liked the idea of no meetings and self empowerment. What I did not realize at the time is I did not need to live in the black and white between the two programs.
I didn't trust others and trusting a power that I never really believed in was difficult for me to turn my will over too. This stems back to some of my abuse as a child. But part of the problem was my inability to succumb to the process fully. Herein lies the challenge with acceptance. Accepting I am an addict means accepting that I will never drink or use again…this is a big pill to swallow (pun intended).
Spiritually, I had a business trip to Jackson Hole around 6 months and this was a turning point for me. I began observing these events around me that seemed rather coincidental. Dr. Carl Jung writes of them as sychronicities, two or more events that happen at an exact moment in time causing a coincidence and unlikely to be casually related. I started to observe more and more of these and I was shocked. I also began to test my hypothesis that if I kept doing the next right thing that I would be protected. I had several temptations on this trip, all of which I abstained. So I put the hypothesis to the test by jumping Cobett’s Couloir about a 40 foot cliff drop when done from skiers left. Sure enough I nailed it and I felt euphoric feeling of being protected. Most likely this was due to an adrenaline high and endorphins but it was comforting. I believe this was my moment of beginning to build faith in a higher power, which is not a deity.
After Jackson, I began working AA’s steps more earnestly. One day I got a message from a clairvoyant friend that I was going to be hit out of left field by a “discord” and I would blow up like a water heater. Turns out this message became a self fulfilling prophecy as my wife read my emails of me trying to figure out what this message might be.
Even though I was wrong, I turned it around on my wife and blew up like that water heater. Not knowing whether I would be getting a divorce I went to the source of the heads up, the clairvoyant friend and she told me I cannot be quiet with the voices in my head and the monkey on my back called addiction. She said I am not sober…emotionally sober. She was right, there were still behaviors at that time I was still hooked on and needed to distance myself from…she told me I needed a new sponsor. This did not all sink in until the next day and my radio in my new Range Rover would not turn on on the way to the pool for my AM swim. I tried to restart the car seven times and then I remained with my voices for the 30 minute drive and it all became clear. I knew exactly who my sponsor was going to be and how the puzzle pieces fit.
As soon, as things became clear the next time I started the car the radio turned on and has worked since - dealership cannot find any faults. My new step sponsor read the book like I had never understood it…it made sense. My 4th step was deeply impactful and I could feel the tectonic plates of my being moving. This resulted in two very profound dreams - there have been five in total over the past year.
Completing the steps was less profound than I had imagined but steps four and five were moving. I have recovered from my Alcoholism - not cured but recovered. I live in steps 10-12 and sponsor two guys. The icing for me was a call I received from one sponsee telling me his family and marriage are coming back together as a result of his work. He has hope again.
I was as cold as ice for most of my life. I never did anything for anyone without an ulterior motive. I guess I am still doing that - my ulterior motive is to stay sober and work with others but its less manipulative than before. Still self centered but less self righteous, lol.
For those that took the time to read, thanks. I look forward to using my skills daily in what life challenges me with. I am grateful for all those that have and will touch me and hope I can return the gesture.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: State of Acceptance
Posts: 756
"I began observing these events around me that seemed rather coincidental. Dr. Carl Jung writes of them as sychronicities, two or more events that happen at an exact moment in time causing a coincidence and unlikely to be casually related."
Congratulations, JD. You did it!!!
Thank you for your post. I particularly appreciate this paragraph. I am inspired! All my best to you, FS
Congratulations, JD. You did it!!!
Thank you for your post. I particularly appreciate this paragraph. I am inspired! All my best to you, FS
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
All well said, JD. Congratulations on your 1st year milestone. A road less travelled indeed. How wonderful to see you own being recovered. Own being an addict. Own being abstinent now and always. Fulfilling your responsibility to affirm your empowerment. Real power from within. Freedom!!
Its an honor to be in fellowship with you. Awesome times.
Its an honor to be in fellowship with you. Awesome times.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 2,805
Congratulations, JD. I will be a year sober in a month. You have inspired me through this process. I read Anthony DeMello's Awareness due to you recommending it on a few posts and this book has been a game changer for me. I have long been a studier of the Course of Miracles, Byron Katie and Eckart Tolle, but DeMello's book brought it all together for me in such a beautiful way. Thank you so much!
When I came to SR, I had one goal. It was to quit drinking. I was so fearful of my alcoholism going beyond the functioning level (HA!) into what I deemed as "full blown" alcoholism. I had no idea the transformation I would experience, the wealth of wisdom I would learn by coming to this wonderful website. Sometimes I think it would benefit anyone to be an addict, because the recovery process it the closest I have come to understanding myself, others, life, God . . . . . .
This is a long way of saying congratulations, thank you, bless you and all of the best in your future endeavors . . . .
When I came to SR, I had one goal. It was to quit drinking. I was so fearful of my alcoholism going beyond the functioning level (HA!) into what I deemed as "full blown" alcoholism. I had no idea the transformation I would experience, the wealth of wisdom I would learn by coming to this wonderful website. Sometimes I think it would benefit anyone to be an addict, because the recovery process it the closest I have come to understanding myself, others, life, God . . . . . .
This is a long way of saying congratulations, thank you, bless you and all of the best in your future endeavors . . . .
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3,359
Originally Posted by MIRecovery 
Congrats! I always think about the Greatful Dead lyric, "Lately it occurs to me what a long strange trip it's been."
Keep doing what you're doing it is working
Keep doing what you're doing it is working
In terms of the GD - this is one of my favorites - I believe it was rumored to be about Jerry's addiction:
If my words did glow with the gold of sunshine
And my tunes were played on the harp unstrung
Would you hear my voice come through the music
Would you hold it near as it were your own?
It's a hand-me-down, the thoughts are broken
Perhaps they're better left unsung
I don't know, don't really care
Let there be songs to fill the air
Ripple in still water
When there is no pebble tossed
Nor wind to blow
Reach out your hand if your cup be empty
If your cup is full may it be again
Let it be known there is a fountain
That was not made by the hands of men
There is a road, no simple highway
Between the dawn and the dark of night
And if you go no one may follow
That path is for your steps alone
You who choose to lead must follow
But if you fall you fall alone
If you should stand then who's to guide you?
If I knew the way I would take you home
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3,359
Originally Posted by RobbyRobot
All well said, JD. Congratulations on your 1st year milestone. A road less travelled indeed. How wonderful to see you own being recovered. Own being an addict. Own being abstinent now and always. Fulfilling your responsibility to affirm your empowerment. Real power from within. Freedom!!
Its an honor to be in fellowship with you. Awesome times.
Its an honor to be in fellowship with you. Awesome times.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3,359
Originally Posted by DoubleDragons
Congratulations, JD. I will be a year sober in a month. You have inspired me through this process. I read Anthony DeMello's Awareness due to you recommending it on a few posts and this book has been a game changer for me. I have long been a studier of the Course of Miracles, Byron Katie and Eckart Tolle, but DeMello's book brought it all together for me in such a beautiful way. Thank you so much!
When I came to SR, I had one goal. It was to quit drinking. I was so fearful of my alcoholism going beyond the functioning level (HA!) into what I deemed as "full blown" alcoholism. I had no idea the transformation I would experience, the wealth of wisdom I would learn by coming to this wonderful website. Sometimes I think it would benefit anyone to be an addict, because the recovery process it the closest I have come to understanding myself, others, life, God . . . . . .
This is a long way of saying congratulations, thank you, bless you and all of the best in your future endeavors . . . .
When I came to SR, I had one goal. It was to quit drinking. I was so fearful of my alcoholism going beyond the functioning level (HA!) into what I deemed as "full blown" alcoholism. I had no idea the transformation I would experience, the wealth of wisdom I would learn by coming to this wonderful website. Sometimes I think it would benefit anyone to be an addict, because the recovery process it the closest I have come to understanding myself, others, life, God . . . . . .
This is a long way of saying congratulations, thank you, bless you and all of the best in your future endeavors . . . .
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: North East, US
Posts: 2,310
Congrats is not enough but I'll say it anyway 
.
Many many congratulations to you my friend!
There's a beauty in living in the grey, as you say. Finding that balance between egotist and altruist, is much harder than it would seem. I think you've moved mountains in this last year! Discovering your true self, the man behind the mask. You're a different person than you were on 08/27/13. It's been my pleasure to witness unthinkable growth, metamorphosis, and acceptance. You've always got a friend in me!
Take what you can from your dreams
Make them as real as anything
It’d take the work out of the courage!
So Dream Big!!!!
"Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time."
Thomas A. Edison
.Many many congratulations to you my friend!
There's a beauty in living in the grey, as you say. Finding that balance between egotist and altruist, is much harder than it would seem. I think you've moved mountains in this last year! Discovering your true self, the man behind the mask. You're a different person than you were on 08/27/13. It's been my pleasure to witness unthinkable growth, metamorphosis, and acceptance. You've always got a friend in me!
Take what you can from your dreams
Make them as real as anything
It’d take the work out of the courage!
So Dream Big!!!!
"Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time."
Thomas A. Edison
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