Mountainmanbob

It is a question that we see asked often. How long will it take until the (hurt) family, friends, neighbors and employers will believe in our sobriety ?

I will take my wife for starters. A sweet little school teacher who I met and married when I was sober. After a year or two into our marriage I was back to my controlled drinking. I guess if the alcoholic readers are reading this they known where that went in short time. Luckily for me I had in my past several periods of sobriety. Thus, I knew what I needed to do so as to get back on the path to Recovery.

The point of this thread
My wife is a light wine drinker. After my relapse she removed all of the booze from our house, including her wine. I assured her that her wine in no way affected my staying sober, it did not matter she was not going to have any around.

After prox 6 months she brought her wine back into our home. I think that at that time she knew that I was serious regarding my sobriety. Plus, if I may add she knew of my intensive work with my AA Sponsor, AA meetings and Church.


HOW LONG UNTIL THE FAMILY AND OTHERS WERE CONVINCED THAT WE WOULD STAY SOBER ?

wife -- 6 months to a year
neighbors -- couple of years
family -- year or two
work -- year

I see many asking questions such as this:
It seems that we should give all around us at least a year before we expect them in any way to think that we will be staying sober.

Your thoughts ?

MountainmanBob

Sugah

I remember getting a call when I was about 2.5 years sober and my youngest son was 15. It was a Tuesday evening, and my husband and I stopped for frozen yogurt after the meeting. By 9:45pm, when we weren't yet home, the phone rang.

See, my son was used to us going to meetings 5-7 nights a week, but we had a routine. "Meeting after the meeting" on Fridays and Saturdays; straight home the other nights.

Two and a half years, and he was nervous as all get out. "I didn't know where you were, and I was worried." About an accident? "No. Just worried."

It takes awhile.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

PurpleKnight

Yeah it's when the perception that things have permanently changed is created, threads are sometimes started with only a few weeks or months Sober and for people around us that's probably not going to create enough of a perspective shift!!

I'd probably agree on the minimum 6 months anyways Bob, but anything up to a year, I always think about those things that happen only once a year, Xmas, New Years, Birthdays etc, maybe until those closest to us see us be Sober at all those events, then they will see our Sobriety, not as a phase, but something we're taking pretty seriously!!

MelindaFlowers

I would say one year.

desypete

i remember trying to explain about aa to one of my sons who asked me how long do i need to go to aa before i am cured of drinking : )

i told him about a guy who has been going to meetings for 40 years, my son quick as a flash replied
blimey he must of been bad then to need to go for that long : )

today all my kids just accept i go to aa in fact they have very often told me i need to go to a meeting lol
they trust me and have done for many years and even when i lost my son my kids never once thought i would run off and drink again such is there own new found freedom and the trust they have in me

sometimes i can take that for granted that my kids do trust me again without a single question of is dad going to be sober today etc entering there heads

so thanks for making me think about that bob : )

how long did it take for there trust to return ? i would say within a year as they just got used to having sober dad around. but then if i was on and off it i guess that would of been a bigger problem for trust to come my way so would maybe be longer

Fly N Buy

Great question, for me with less than three months I don't have the answer. But, at my age - (not revealing, but I did vote for Reagan) I think they already see the commitment in my heart and most importantly daily actions = 90+ meetings in 79 days......

Today, I must be content with their look of HOPE. But, alas only time will answer this question for me. Can't buy time......

Great question Bob, very helpful
Thanks

Soberwolf

Really really good thread here's goes

My family knew I was serious after a month they knew cos in the 3mnths it took me to get sober for the first time in my life it was all I could I talk about if I can get that first Month I'll be alright can't explain why a month but it has worked got 13 and a half of them months now and I plan on building on that with no intention of starting drinking ever again it brings me a peace I can't describe

That being said.... I would never want anyone to think I'm cured or I have beat this and although I have no plans to start drinking ever again tomorrow hasn't happened yet and I fight/learn/respect my alcoholism daily all it takes is one slip and BOOM SQ1 in the blink of an eye

I am happy & content and its getting better all the time but I wouldn't want anyone to think of me as cured am I recovering ? Yes am I cured ? No

Family/gf 1 month
Neighbour 6 months (only a few still say hello)

I might also add that my gf refuses alcohol completely i tell her its fine but she won't have it she doesn't see the point in drinking anynore

readerbaby71

I think it all depends on the individual and their behaviors and attitudes, drunk or sober.

Boleo

I know a guy who at 23 years sober says his wife still walks up to him every time he gets home and smells his breath.

KateL

I would say it took a year or so for pretty much everyone to stop fretting. xx

tomsteve

HOW LONG UNTIL THE FAMILY AND OTHERS WERE CONVINCED THAT WE WOULD STAY SOBER ?

welp, the man who is now my sponsor said to me at about 6 months:"yup, yer gonna stick."

my sister told me at 3 months,when I said I hadn't drank in 3 months:" I don't believe it."

how long did it take that they were conviced? I really don't know.i haven't asked them when they were convinced. I didn't get sober for them. I got sober for me. but getting my family back has been a blessing.

Soberwolf

WOW that is one devoted wife !!!

Mountainmanbob

Wow that cracked me up
You are so right
Ones like that are hard to find
MM


P'S. Thank you all for the great posts

freshstart57

Surely our sobriety plan has a bearing on this. I could not expect my family to be secure in my sobriety if I weren't confident myself. If I were to say, "Well, I can't say for sure if I can stay quit forever, you just never know", I would not expect them to be convinced I wouldn't drink again.

It took my family about a year before they understood that I was done. Wine and beer in the house are a non issue. Still no liquor around though.

dwtbd

It just realized reading this thread, that my wife hasn't asked in awhile "how are you doing" in that way. I hope that means she is confident/comfortable with the idea that I really am a non drinker.
Come to think of it we were at a bar that announced last call the other night and neither of us commented on it, it was in a casino ,my lucky machine is third in from the end

Though I must say I do not know why a give it that epitaph, it ain't

Mountainmanbob

You know Flynbuy I have 6 years of sobriety now but, I still in my minds eye can see that look that was in my loved ones faces back after I ran a muck with the liquid devil and had just sobered up. Especially my poor wife. Her eyes were so sad as she looked at me for a long time. As you say it was her HOPE that I would stay sober and I know that she was praying hard for me and our marriage.

She met me sober and in no way would she have stuck around with the drinking foolish Bob for long.

Sobriety has not only brought me a lot
but, has also saved a lot of what I had.

MM

bunnezjp

My mom will always worry for me, she has that right. But, she saw the changes in me 2 months ago, and I'm nearing 4 months.

Quite honestly, I don't care when or ever if anybody accepts that I am Sober. Not doing this for them.

Bunnez

dox

Good question. Difficult for me to answer.

Because I did most of my drinking in secret, my wife looked more for a change in my behaviour for reassurance.
It wasn't so much my drinking, that was destroying our marriage, but my actions as a daily-drinking alcoholic.
I was a selfish, inconsiderate and often belligerent husband and father when I was drinking.

Putting down the drink did little to change me in her eyes.
It wasn't until I stopped procrastinating on my step 4 and worked through the remaining steps with my sponsor that my wife started to see changes in my personality.
Until my behaviour improved, there was always going to be an element of uncertainty in my wife's view of my sobriety.

I can't point to a specific time.
It was more of a gradual process; my wife's acceptance of my sobriety.
Eventually, she saw my metamorphosis and sought her own relationship with her higher power -- our higher power.

Now we are solid as a rock,
conditionally . . .

MIRecovery

In my case I don't think ever. Yes they are over joyed I have been sober for 5 years but I have hurt them too bad and lied too many times. Maybe someday but it hasn't happened yet.

But that is OK. I stay sober for me and I can't control what others think

Mountainmanbob

I understand, the wreckage of my past lays heavy at times.

Some will not be convinced until much water has passed under the bridge.

MM