Paulos

I sure am, this time I'm really relating with Robin Williams' reasons for suicide- considering my life consists now of nothing but being broke, smoking *tobacco*, drinking *water*, eating *crap actually*, and working out when I can, dealing with daily headaches from clusters. I just wish I could have been there to hold his hand to let him know he wasn't alone, sigh...

smc92va

I've been feeling down/low for 2 weeks and I'm pretty much resigned now on the audacity of hope being ********

ScottFromWI

Please call 911 or a suicide hotline If you are seriously feeling as you suggest.

smc92va

I don't want to kill myself. I hope you don't either Paulos- I just feel overwhelming sad and like my hope is gone but I'll be ok- I recognized this feeling is lasting a bit too long for me- I made an appt to see a therapist this week. Hopefully time will help my mood

Paulos

I just want the good of life, not bad anymore. And all there is anymore is bad.

smc92va

I know what you mean Paulos- I'm so over bad, sad, grief, loss etc. but I'm trying to take steps to make things better for myself. I can't change my world or the people in it but I hope I can change me a little- I'm just not sure how

Paulos

yeah it's difficult, I know this as I've been trying for years. everyone says I'm using an excuse but in all honesty, I wish I could be great, etc... it just aint happening, Ive tried a lot of things, I don't belong in this world, so it feels... don't know what to do really. I am truly osrry for your feelings smc92, I wish you the best truly.

smc92va

You too Paulos- I hate that either of us or anyone for that matter has to feel this way. I try to say to myself - there must be a reason I'm still here- maybe the ending of my story will become a whole lot better than the beginning. I've been trying for 15 years- I know exactly what you mean

smc92va

Just know your not alone- keep trying, anything and everything. Even when you don't want to. Make yourself. I figure sooner or later something we try will stick.

leviathan

right here too. bad day. my resolve has been growing tenuous this week. breaking all the HALT rules.

i was thinking about this today...if im Angry enough, Hungry, Lonely and Tired just fall right in line!

wish the best for you guys...

Soberwolf

I had a down day last week but I worked through it not just by not drinking. I went out got my haircut done shopping took my dog out in a few hours i was laughing again

We are only human

As for robin Williams I tell everyone to start cycling in sobriety as for him it was important to cycle in sobriety and my lil line at the bottom of my posts was put there in tribute of that

jutam

restless, discontent, the night is long, tedious and sober... I just riding it out

zjw

when i'm like this I try to find something to focus on thats positive. I also try and not get to this low of a point to begin with becuase it can be tough to get out of it.

I know I can sit here and think about my life and wonder what the f*ing point is. It really does all seem so stinking pointless. I'll never be anything grand. I'll live and die and not even be a blip on the friggen radar. It really is pathetic and sad when I look at it like this. Go through this life nothing but pain and failure just to die and be forgotten whats the point.

But in my case in this small little world of mine that has me and my immediate loved ones etc.. I mean something to them. I'm not sure what and they mean somthing to me. My life might be in the shi*tter sometimes but sometimes its not too. regardless of lifes ups and downs these folks still mean something to me and me to them. In this small little world of mine I AM important and i do have purpose and meaning. Sure as i grow the world in my head I become less significant etc.. But I dont see any point in going there anymore.

I may not ever know my reason for passing through this planet but I keep trucking along and grasping at the happiest things I can. Sometimes i cant find anything happy sometimes it gets so bad. But just a walk around the block I can find a pretty flower or a nice birds song and that can be enought o lift my spirits just a little bit.

I think as you move forward its important to recognize the road signs leading you to this crappy place in your head and try to head in another direction Before it gets this ugly. Its taken me a long time to figure this out but i started to think I dont lik efeeling so dang sad and depressed. I dont like feeling so stinking worthless all the time how can i not feel that way. and yes sometimes my self worth is stupid. sometimes the fact that i was able to grow a few tomatos and give them away and brighten someones day is all i got. pretty pathetic and small? na not really on that day it lifted me up made me feel good so I keep doing stuff like that.

jdooner

What have you tried? I have never read a post from you except how bad things are. Curious what you might have tried to get better?

I hope you are feeling better and get some help.

Paulos

Wishing you all the best, and to dooner I've tried connecting in local groups, volunteer work, hanging around town it just ... doesn't interest me- and I'm trying to push and power through, but it freaking just sucks sorry to say.

jdooner

Sometimes it does suck and I am sorry you are dealing with this. Do you have anything you feel passionate about or would like to do? What about exercise? I would agree though if I liked NOTHING then I would find it hard to be upbeat too.

Paulos

I gotta do sit ups and crunches, that'll help me out I think- I just don't want to swear unnecessarily due to some other issues I'm going through physically, feeling weak at the moment and tired, just gotta power through like I said.

jdooner

Well this sounds like progress Paulos...good job. Do you have access to books? Kindle or maybe the library (I know you don't like going out)? If so try the book, MINI Habits: Smaller Habits, Bigger Results by Stephen Guise. Mabe tomorrow add one pushup with you crunches or sit-ups?

“The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.” — Lao Tzu

smc92va

How's your evening Paulo's. My mood today was somewhat better. I wish I could do sit ups and crunches:-(. I can't do any exercise except with my physical therapist. I'm having major neck/nerve/ back and chronic papain issues. My neurosurgeon referred me to Chapel Hill Hospital where I will start going periodically for treatments starting Sept 23rd. I'm a little scared bc they don't know exactly what the cause is and said it may even be some type of nerve disease? I'm so used to being really active and atletic, and to be able to do whatever I wanted with no physical limitations. I think living with chronic pain is the cause of some of my depression, that coupled with a few other major troubling events as of late. I hope you are in better spirits tonight. Take care, don't be too hard on yourself

F50Lurker

I have been feeling a little down, directionless, empty and unfulfilled lately myself. But I know it will pass. My life doesn't stay dull for very long. In a good way. Just ride it out.