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What am I doing?

Old 08-20-2014, 04:09 PM
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What am I doing?

Hi. Long time lurker. I've been battling recovery for the better part of 2 years. Drinking for the 20 years before that. I hit a point of medical detox and AA and sobriety (not confusing this with recovery) a couple years ago. Shortly after though I just grabbed that six pack... You know the story.

I know where this is going... This is bad... I don't know where to reach to kick myself back into focus.

I thought I'd start posting instead of lurking to see what kind of inspiration/ feedback I get. I hope that doesn't sound rude.. Just not sure what to try next.
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Old 08-20-2014, 04:12 PM
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Hi JayEl - welcome to SR.

I can relate completely. I did the same thing after 3 yrs. of sobriety. Just thought I could have a glass of wine & off I went again. This time, I really get it - I can't touch the stuff. Sometimes we need further proof.

I think posting here to discuss your situation will really help. You're among people who understand.
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Old 08-20-2014, 05:36 PM
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Well first off you took a step in your post that for me suggest you need to move your other foot and keep posting as it will help get an overview of a lot of options and you may find something in that

As for focus use the small step you made just now and confirm its a line in the sand that ur not willing to cross jus t for today that's it and we can call it day 1 your not alone

Does that help ?
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Old 08-20-2014, 05:40 PM
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I think sometimes we need a wake up call, I am like many others who needed just that call, I thought I too could have a cold beer about 4 weeks ago after 9 months sober and happy, I thought I could control it, but then came 3 solid weeks of heavy drinking like I did before.

I now know I can not go back or I will pay heavily.
Take care.
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Old 08-20-2014, 05:48 PM
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Thank you for the responses. Yes, it does help. If this makes any sense, I just wish I were doing worse. I think it would be that kick I need but I don't want to have to go back down that path. Hopefully some conversation will help.
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Old 08-20-2014, 06:13 PM
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Welcome, JayEl!

How worse would you like it?

I could have gotten worse. I didn't really lose anything and I live alone with no family alive so I didn't even hurt other people. I still have money, I'm not working by choice, and I'm healthy. So it could have been waaaay worse for me.

I'm super grateful I never got a DUI or killed anyone when I was too stupid not to drive.

I'm really happy that my body is still functioning well and I'm not in a hospital waiting to die. You know they won't give livers to drinking alcoholics, right?

I am grateful I never blacked out while cooking and burned down my condo and the homes of my neighbors.

I am glad I didn't blow up my heart or my hips or my pancreas or my kidneys.

Mostly I'm glad I was given another chance. No more 3AM terror filled wake-ups. No more paralyzing fear of the future. No more self-pitying stories of my past. No more lonely days and nights in front of the TV with a bottle of rum. No more digestive problems. No more malnourishment. No more hangovers. No more running from store to store so no one who worked there would know how much I drank. No more hiding from the neighbors so they wouldn't smell alcohol on me. No more living on popcorn and Smokehouse almonds. No more midnight runs to the recycle bin so no one would see my bag of bottles. No more long convoluted backroad routes home from the bar so the cops wouldn't see me.

No more.
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Old 08-20-2014, 06:25 PM
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I am with you-I was sober for almost 5 years, and I can't even remember why I began drinking again. I've been trying to quit for 2 years and was able to go a couple of months, weeks, days, but really couldn't get that same momentum that I had in the first place.

I finally realized that I'm in a different place than I was then, and achieving sobriety can be just as exciting as it was the first time, because the road to achieve success will be different and I will find out new things about myself in order to recover.

I still wasn't doing it, so I started increasing my exercise, began rekindling my spirituality, eating healthier-and it became so clear that alcohol was in my way and actually killing me. I started researching different paths to sobriety and imagined myself following them or what I might need this time around. And bam. No drinking. I'm done.

You can do it-you absolutely can!
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Old 08-20-2014, 06:29 PM
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Originally Posted by biminiblue View Post
Welcome, JayEl!

How worse would you like it?

I could have gotten worse. I didn't really lose anything and I live alone with no family alive so I didn't even hurt other people. I still have money, I'm not working by choice, and I'm healthy. So it could have been waaaay worse for me.

I'm super grateful I never got a DUI or killed anyone when I was too stupid not to drive.

I'm really happy that my body is still functioning well and I'm not in a hospital waiting to die. You know they won't give livers to drinking alcoholics, right?

I am grateful I never blacked out while cooking and burned down my condo and the homes of my neighbors.

I am glad I didn't blow up my heart or my hips or my pancreas or my kidneys.

Mostly I'm glad I was given another chance. No more 3AM terror filled wake-ups. No more paralyzing fear of the future. No more self-pitying stories of my past. No more lonely days and nights in front of the TV with a bottle of rum. No more digestive problems. No more malnourishment. No more hangovers. No more running from store to store so no one who worked there would know how much I drank. No more hiding from the neighbors so they wouldn't smell alcohol on me. No more living on popcorn and Smokehouse almonds. No more midnight runs to the recycle bin so no one would see my bag of bottles. No more long convoluted backroad routes home from the bar so the cops wouldn't see me.

No more.
Well stuck....


BB asks a great question. How low can you go.....

Since you did a little AA you may recall YET = you're eligible too!

I can identify with a "high bottom". However, I wonder how many more chances I might have at stopping - nothing is guaranteed. Therefore, I guard my sobriety jealously NOW!


There is Grace in recognizing your opportunities may disappear my friend.....

Peace.....

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Old 08-21-2014, 11:45 AM
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Welcome to the posting side of things JayEl!!
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Old 08-21-2014, 11:55 AM
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Welcome Jay and I'm glad you decided to post to seek support.
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Old 08-21-2014, 12:03 PM
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Welcome!
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Old 08-21-2014, 12:14 PM
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To me the fact that you say you have been battling this for 2 years and to me that shows that despite maybe not being entirely successful, being sober is something you are wanting and you have not given up.

And I think thats good!

I found the key to my success with not drinking was distraction, keeping myself busy, monitoring how I felt.
The first month I had to work at being busy and I actively looked for things to do.
Sometimes if that meant even going for a drive in my car with my music on then thats what I did. I did all sorts too. I have a young daughter and I am single so often I would have to do things in the house as she was sleeping.

The worst thing for me was to slobbed in front on the telly thinking about drink.

Monitoring how I felt also included if I was craving a drink, I would eat or drink something sweet. If I was tired, I would just end my day as soon as I could and go to sleep.

I'm glad you are here. I'm glad you have started posting.

I wish you the best xx
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Old 08-21-2014, 04:39 PM
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Thanks for the welcomes and feedback. I want to clarify what I meant by 'wish it was worse'. I'm at a point where I drink a few days a week and don't a few days a week. What I KNOW is that the way I drink is the big indicator that nothing good will come of this... I don't drink a beer or two, I drink until I fall asleep on the couch or crawl off to bed. Im fooling myself that I'm somehow maintaining. I like when I don't drink. I sleep good, feel better at work, take better care of my family. Ugh!!! I don't know what I need right now but I'm glad I posted and am starting this conversation. Maybe it will help me talk myself through this.

I've spent a week in detox, went through 4 paracentesis procedures, wrecked the car, ignored my family.... Back to my title I guess... What am I doing thinking I can drink again???
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Old 08-21-2014, 05:47 PM
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Early stage recovery has a high number of ppl who feel exactly how you feel now i know i did when ppl thank its usually an inicator that you are addressing it being honest and ppl relating which is amazing

That voice will fade and your mind will turn Spartan in the fight against alcoholism

I always guard my sobriety and I compare myself to achillies with it
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Old 08-21-2014, 09:14 PM
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You just grabbed a six pack. Either knowingly or unknowingly. Its just a reflex my friend. Gotta change the way we think, act, behave, react, our beliefs.
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Old 08-22-2014, 01:47 AM
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Ya when I grab a six it doesn't stop until ive killed 8 of them and im too sick for more I guess I subconsciously feel the need to destroy myself and feel reborn again just to feel alive I wish I the insight you do it might have saved me alot of pain BUT ive figured it out now and jm staing reborn , I just found this community ,I think they are great I thank God for SR.
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Old 08-24-2014, 08:26 PM
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Originally Posted by pete1975 View Post
Ya when I grab a six it doesn't stop until ive killed 8 of them and im too sick for more I guess I subconsciously feel the need to destroy myself and feel reborn again just to feel alive I wish I the insight you do it might have saved me alot of pain BUT ive figured it out now and jm staing reborn , I just found this community ,I think they are great I thank God for SR.
8, wow, like my old friend he used to get hazed on 6 pack of 8%, probably still is drinking it. Me it used to be 20, and oblivion.
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Old 08-25-2014, 05:28 AM
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[QUOTE=JayEl;4853017] I'm at a point where I drink a few days a week and don't a few days a week. What I KNOW is that the way I drink is the big indicator that nothing good will come of this... I don't drink a beer or two, I drink until I fall asleep on the couch or crawl off to bed. Im fooling myself that I'm somehow maintaining. I like when I don't drink. I sleep good, feel better at work, take better care of my family. Ugh!!! I don't know what I need right now but I'm glad I posted and am starting this conversation. Maybe it will help me talk myself through this.

I've spent a week in detox, went through 4 paracentesis procedures, wrecked the car, ignored my family.... Back to my title I guess... What am I doing thinking I can drink again???[/QUOTE]


Hi. Perhaps you might read this again when sober a few days for an answer.
Have you thought that continued drinking could make you children or others fatherless or in a heartbeat homeless or be taken away and put into a not wonderful state run agency and on and on.
Poor me I stopped drinking and my life got better and I’m healthier in mind and spirit.

BE WELL
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Old 08-25-2014, 06:28 AM
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welcome. what are you thinking? -probably that theres some joy left in it.

is life TRULY better with or without the drank? this is a deceptive question for those of us with the problem. it took me some serious soul searching to answer it. I had a real hard time being honest with myself. I reached the conclusion (stress "I") that I was better without.

it all changed right then. I still put a little effort in, but its not the same now. once quit for a couple months the evidence that I had reached the correct conclusion was overwhelming.
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Old 08-25-2014, 06:57 AM
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Thank you for the responses. Yes, it does help. If this makes any sense, I just wish I were doing worse. I think it would be that kick I need but I don't want to have to go back down that path. Hopefully some conversation will help.
thats like the self destructive AV speaking. A healthy mind would never look for it to get worse they would stop it before it did. But I can relate I used to watch my bank acct and think well i guess when it gets bad enough I'll have to quit drinking. I guess when my consumptions off the charts I'll have to quit. I guess when i cant take it anymore i'll have to quit. That day came and yes it was the kick in the butt i needed. But hoping for it to come etc.. is the wrong line of though.

That being said I'm guilty of the same. I have a friend i'd wish would quit but it hasnt gotten bad enough yet for him to get motivated so he just maintains his habits sad but true.

There is some truth to what your saying but perhaps you should hope for the motivation / strong desire to quit instead.

I prayed so much to be free of this disease. What did i get? panic attacks why? to teach me a lesson and to light that fire of strong desire to quit. I did not want them then I wouldnt wish that on anyone. I should not have taken that to get me to quit. It was not until after the fact that I was thankful that it got that bad thankful for those panic attacks had it not been for them I would not have bothered.

But be careful what you wish for. I wish I could have learned my lesson without those panic attacks. I'm sure there are plenty here who'd say yes thank god for my bottom but sure would have been nice to not have to hit it first!.

keep in mind too where is your bottom do you know do you wanna know? I dunno where mine is i really dont wantt o find out either.
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