O.K. We're going to try this again!!aargh4:
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Clare MI
Posts: 5
O.K. We're going to try this again!!aargh4:
I tryed to quit a couple of months ago and only lasted about 12 days (I must admitt I felt really good about myself those 12 days) but I fell off the wagon and got rolled over by the tires 
My H has finally stepped in and stopped enableing my drinking (pretending not to notice I was horrible drunk all the time, made excuses why his W wasn't at function, drunk again, helping me to bed etc) well he is fed up and told me that the next time he smells vodka on my breath he will throw me in the car and drive us both up to the court house and file for divorce. Do I blame him? Nope, I know what he is saying is right, I only wish that he didn't have such a bad temper that I could talk to him about my drinking problem. He doesn't want to talk to me about it other to say "Get a backbone and just quite!!!" I hope this time it's as easy as he thinks. 
My H has finally stepped in and stopped enableing my drinking (pretending not to notice I was horrible drunk all the time, made excuses why his W wasn't at function, drunk again, helping me to bed etc) well he is fed up and told me that the next time he smells vodka on my breath he will throw me in the car and drive us both up to the court house and file for divorce. Do I blame him? Nope, I know what he is saying is right, I only wish that he didn't have such a bad temper that I could talk to him about my drinking problem. He doesn't want to talk to me about it other to say "Get a backbone and just quite!!!" I hope this time it's as easy as he thinks. 
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 38
Originally Posted by TinTazzy
"Get a backbone and just quite!!!"
.OK, so he's probably just rightly fed up, huh? But still, lol. Sounds like MY husband
.Good luck! If you did 12 before, you can do this again! What helped you last time? And what triggered the relapse? Learn from your mistakes and they aren't MISTAKES, but valuable lessons <==hehe....look at me! I'm so damn philosophical, aren't I
?
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Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Washington
Posts: 5,093
What Vegancat said. Look at your triggers and what got you through the last 12 days. Maybe you could look into some programs such as AA. Your H may benefit from Alanon. Help him to understand, you just don't quit. We all wish it was just that easy. Good Luck!! Oh, and welcome to SR. You found your way to a great place with terrific people. 
Take care,
Talia
Take care,
Talia
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Syracuse, NY
Posts: 110
TinTazzy, dittos here - what Vegancat and Talia said.
I read recently in one of the Alanon books that the only way to force an alcoholic to quit is to step back and allow the internal pressure to build. Ultimatums like "go to the court house" do one of two things - end a relationship (which might be what your H wants) or diminish trust and credibility.
Owning somewhat well-worn seats in both AA and Alanon, I have a biased point of view, but unless you have a better idea I would suggest that you consider AA for yourself and if he's willing your H could definitely benefit from Alanon.
Welcome back, and just don't drink today.
James
I read recently in one of the Alanon books that the only way to force an alcoholic to quit is to step back and allow the internal pressure to build. Ultimatums like "go to the court house" do one of two things - end a relationship (which might be what your H wants) or diminish trust and credibility.
Owning somewhat well-worn seats in both AA and Alanon, I have a biased point of view, but unless you have a better idea I would suggest that you consider AA for yourself and if he's willing your H could definitely benefit from Alanon.
Welcome back, and just don't drink today.
James
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Clare MI
Posts: 5
What triggers me to drink..... that is a very good question and one that I'm not sure if I want to think about to much (denial, denial, denial 
) I know that alot of my stress comes from my home life. (and I don't want this to sound like a H bashing thing because it is not, I love my H very much and would be lost without him) but I grew up very protected, I rarley seen my partents fight and I have NEVER seen my father disrespect my mother either by calling her names or physically touching her. If the truth be told I pretty much had a "barbie" child/teenage life. My H on the other hand had many brothers and sisters and a very abusive father. The stuff that he has told me makes me sick to my stomach and my H has never put his father down for the thinkgs that he had done them or came to terms that it was abuse that would not be tolerated in todays standards. (His father is now passed away) My H has a very loud voice and a very bad temper, he has never laid a hand on me but can be very verbally abusive and with me being very sensitive and not use to people screaming to control a situation it freaks me out and drinking was the one way I could calm my nerves. I'm not blaming my H, he didn't make me become an alcoholic I did that on my very own, but it's time to stop the madness
) I know that alot of my stress comes from my home life. (and I don't want this to sound like a H bashing thing because it is not, I love my H very much and would be lost without him) but I grew up very protected, I rarley seen my partents fight and I have NEVER seen my father disrespect my mother either by calling her names or physically touching her. If the truth be told I pretty much had a "barbie" child/teenage life. My H on the other hand had many brothers and sisters and a very abusive father. The stuff that he has told me makes me sick to my stomach and my H has never put his father down for the thinkgs that he had done them or came to terms that it was abuse that would not be tolerated in todays standards. (His father is now passed away) My H has a very loud voice and a very bad temper, he has never laid a hand on me but can be very verbally abusive and with me being very sensitive and not use to people screaming to control a situation it freaks me out and drinking was the one way I could calm my nerves. I'm not blaming my H, he didn't make me become an alcoholic I did that on my very own, but it's time to stop the madness Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Zion, Illinois
Posts: 3,411
Hi Tazzy,
I didn't need triggers. I just drank. It was just the thing to do. Good day, bad day.....didn't matter. So, what if you discover a trigger? What then? Do you know what to do? I'd stongly suggest getting in touch with AA and getting with some people who have the same or similar triggers and have learned to deal with them. Trying to not drink by yourself has it's own problems...like, how do I do this, where do I start? Go to an AA meeting and let the people there know who you are and what's going on. You'll get the help you need. Your husband obviously thinks drinking is just a matter of will power. If that were true, we'd all have all the answers. Drunks have plenty of will power. I went to work many days in worse shape than most people are when they call in sick. I have will power. I can do anything I set my mind to except control my drinking after I take that first one. So the trick is, not to take that first one.
I didn't need triggers. I just drank. It was just the thing to do. Good day, bad day.....didn't matter. So, what if you discover a trigger? What then? Do you know what to do? I'd stongly suggest getting in touch with AA and getting with some people who have the same or similar triggers and have learned to deal with them. Trying to not drink by yourself has it's own problems...like, how do I do this, where do I start? Go to an AA meeting and let the people there know who you are and what's going on. You'll get the help you need. Your husband obviously thinks drinking is just a matter of will power. If that were true, we'd all have all the answers. Drunks have plenty of will power. I went to work many days in worse shape than most people are when they call in sick. I have will power. I can do anything I set my mind to except control my drinking after I take that first one. So the trick is, not to take that first one.
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 1,432
Well, I hate to say it, but your husband is right in one respect. Quitting is an important component of getting sober!
Here's an article I wrote for the SMART Recovery forum board a year or so ago that you might find helpful. (ps--figuring out the triggers, and how to avoid them, is the second step...right after quitting...).
Don S
----------------
What do you mean, you just quit?'
Yep. That's the simplest way to get sober. If you prefer, you can do this
incrementally--reduce your drinking by 50% today, then 50% again tomorrow, and so on.
Or you can pour everything down the drain right now and not buy any more. That's a pretty simple concept: if you don't buy it, you can't drink it!) The main thing is to take action NOW--do something specific, make a commitment, and stick with it. YOU are in control.
Obstacles to quitting are usually thoughts or beliefs about how difficult it's going to be. Watch out for absolute thoughts…. I can't quit, I need it, it'll be too uncomfortable, I can't sleep without it, I need it because I'm stressed or anxious, the party won't be fun without it…..
Take those thoughts rationally, one by one. They aren't true, and you can prove it to yourself. You CAN do it.
Yes, there are physical consequences of quitting suddenly after prolonged alcohol abuse.* Your sleep patterns and digestion may be disrupted, and you may be kind of jumpy.
Most of the physical effects last about 72 hours; after that the effects are largely psychological and emotional. A change in your diet, some vitamins, and herbal tea have all been mentioned by others as helping to get through these few days. Support from others who have been there can make a big difference. It DOES get easier with time.
Urges may seem overwhelming in the first few days. Techniques for coping with urges include diverting yourself with other activities (change your daily pattern to fill your drinking hours). Actively dispute the reasons you are telling yourself about why you 'need' a drink. Avoid the little rationalizations and 'bargains' you want to make ('I'll buy a six-pack, but tonight I'll just drink one…or two….'). Make a promise to yourself, make it iron-clad, and stick with it. Urges WILL pass, and will become less common as time goes by.
Mood swings are not uncommon. It's exhilarating to make a significant decision and stick with it. You do notice changes right away, and they can be exciting.
Urges can be demoralizing and make you feel as though you are not succeeding. Many people lapse, but it is not inevitable--nor does it mean you're a failure. Sobriety doesn't bring happiness, but it does make it more recognizable and easier to attain. Mood swings WILL pass, and your days will become more even as your body adapts to your new chemistry.
Anxiety about how people will react is a recurring theme on forum boards. The fact is, most people are far less interested in your drinking than you are. Sure, you can develop strategies for dealing with people who are persistent. Perhaps they have an irrational belief that you're only 'fun' if you're matching them drink for drink. More likely, your resolve deepens their pre-existing insecurities about their own habits and behavior. YOU have made a choice and you don't NEED to defend it.
You've acknowledged that your drinking is a problem. Is there any better way of dealing with that problem than quitting? Give it a try! What have you got to lose?
[*Note: suddenly detoxing from prolonged abuse of hard liquor should be medically supervised.]
Here's an article I wrote for the SMART Recovery forum board a year or so ago that you might find helpful. (ps--figuring out the triggers, and how to avoid them, is the second step...right after quitting...).
Don S
----------------
What do you mean, you just quit?'
Yep. That's the simplest way to get sober. If you prefer, you can do this
incrementally--reduce your drinking by 50% today, then 50% again tomorrow, and so on.
Or you can pour everything down the drain right now and not buy any more. That's a pretty simple concept: if you don't buy it, you can't drink it!) The main thing is to take action NOW--do something specific, make a commitment, and stick with it. YOU are in control.
Obstacles to quitting are usually thoughts or beliefs about how difficult it's going to be. Watch out for absolute thoughts…. I can't quit, I need it, it'll be too uncomfortable, I can't sleep without it, I need it because I'm stressed or anxious, the party won't be fun without it…..
Take those thoughts rationally, one by one. They aren't true, and you can prove it to yourself. You CAN do it.
Yes, there are physical consequences of quitting suddenly after prolonged alcohol abuse.* Your sleep patterns and digestion may be disrupted, and you may be kind of jumpy.
Most of the physical effects last about 72 hours; after that the effects are largely psychological and emotional. A change in your diet, some vitamins, and herbal tea have all been mentioned by others as helping to get through these few days. Support from others who have been there can make a big difference. It DOES get easier with time.
Urges may seem overwhelming in the first few days. Techniques for coping with urges include diverting yourself with other activities (change your daily pattern to fill your drinking hours). Actively dispute the reasons you are telling yourself about why you 'need' a drink. Avoid the little rationalizations and 'bargains' you want to make ('I'll buy a six-pack, but tonight I'll just drink one…or two….'). Make a promise to yourself, make it iron-clad, and stick with it. Urges WILL pass, and will become less common as time goes by.
Mood swings are not uncommon. It's exhilarating to make a significant decision and stick with it. You do notice changes right away, and they can be exciting.
Urges can be demoralizing and make you feel as though you are not succeeding. Many people lapse, but it is not inevitable--nor does it mean you're a failure. Sobriety doesn't bring happiness, but it does make it more recognizable and easier to attain. Mood swings WILL pass, and your days will become more even as your body adapts to your new chemistry.
Anxiety about how people will react is a recurring theme on forum boards. The fact is, most people are far less interested in your drinking than you are. Sure, you can develop strategies for dealing with people who are persistent. Perhaps they have an irrational belief that you're only 'fun' if you're matching them drink for drink. More likely, your resolve deepens their pre-existing insecurities about their own habits and behavior. YOU have made a choice and you don't NEED to defend it.
You've acknowledged that your drinking is a problem. Is there any better way of dealing with that problem than quitting? Give it a try! What have you got to lose?
[*Note: suddenly detoxing from prolonged abuse of hard liquor should be medically supervised.]
we're all mad here!
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: a padded room with bars
Posts: 1,681
Dittto's to the above.
Vegancat said...
Tazzy....... how are you doing today???
Vegancat said...
Oh, GEEZ! I've been doing this ALL wrong! I had NO IDEA it was so simple, lol. Please thank hubby for me for this outstanding advice
Tazzy....... how are you doing today???
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