AA meeting..ANGRY.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
AA meeting..ANGRY.
Had a hard day today...very overtired. I was a little concerned I might sit in front of the television and binge on crap food until I was riddled with self loathing. I decided I would go to an AA meeting. Those of you familiar with me know I had added AA to my recovery plan fairly recently.
In all honesty, the meeting tonight was not one of my favourites. There was a lot of anger and drama vented in some of the shares. Unfortunately it was the first meeting of a rather terrified looking young woman sitting near me. We exchanged a few smiles during the course of the meeting. I had planned on having a few words with her after the meeting. I am no veteran AA soberist but I could extend caring.
I was asked to share. I didn't say much other than I was a week away from two months of sobriety and that I was grateful to be sober..and grateful to be there..and that I liked being sober..it was hard..but I LIKED it. That was pretty much it.
There were very few women at this meeting and a lot of men. One of the few females at the meeting advised the newcomer in the meeting to stick close to the women in the program. At the end of the meeting, the young gal came up to me and started to say something...until this man interrupted to ask if I had "done the steps"..he was loud and aggressive and I watched this young woman scuttle away alone. This man was basically all "up in my grill" as I've heard said ..telling me I will definitely not stay sober if I don't do the steps. His speech was rapid fire and relentless. He said I needed to join a step group..NOW. He then stopped some guy to introduce me whilst telling me I had to go talk to ANOTHER guy about a step group. By this point I was uncomfortable and getting upset. I was also upset that this woman scuttled away alone....
I told the guy I had a home group..that I was NOT resistant to doing the steps and that I had to go RIGHT NOW. I felt ...accosted.
Why did this MAN think he needed to start bossing around a FEMALE newcomer? Why was he pushing other MEN at me? Does he not think there are other women in the program who could assist me?
I am sorry..but it is experiences like this..that push people OUT of AA. Freaking control freaks EVERYWHERE. Sorry..venting.
I will not let this experience push me out of the AA rooms (that particular meeting? Ya maybe) I'm pretty happy with my one a week at my homegroup anyway (but I am open to more should I need it...like I thought I did tonight).
Ah well..I didn't succumb a junk food binge..nor booze.
So I'm still aces.
Argh..just had to vent. I just wish some folks (well intended as they may be) can hurt people..can put them out of a sober community..
Some folks need freaking BOUNDARY work.
In all honesty, the meeting tonight was not one of my favourites. There was a lot of anger and drama vented in some of the shares. Unfortunately it was the first meeting of a rather terrified looking young woman sitting near me. We exchanged a few smiles during the course of the meeting. I had planned on having a few words with her after the meeting. I am no veteran AA soberist but I could extend caring.
I was asked to share. I didn't say much other than I was a week away from two months of sobriety and that I was grateful to be sober..and grateful to be there..and that I liked being sober..it was hard..but I LIKED it. That was pretty much it.
There were very few women at this meeting and a lot of men. One of the few females at the meeting advised the newcomer in the meeting to stick close to the women in the program. At the end of the meeting, the young gal came up to me and started to say something...until this man interrupted to ask if I had "done the steps"..he was loud and aggressive and I watched this young woman scuttle away alone. This man was basically all "up in my grill" as I've heard said ..telling me I will definitely not stay sober if I don't do the steps. His speech was rapid fire and relentless. He said I needed to join a step group..NOW. He then stopped some guy to introduce me whilst telling me I had to go talk to ANOTHER guy about a step group. By this point I was uncomfortable and getting upset. I was also upset that this woman scuttled away alone....
I told the guy I had a home group..that I was NOT resistant to doing the steps and that I had to go RIGHT NOW. I felt ...accosted.
Why did this MAN think he needed to start bossing around a FEMALE newcomer? Why was he pushing other MEN at me? Does he not think there are other women in the program who could assist me?
I am sorry..but it is experiences like this..that push people OUT of AA. Freaking control freaks EVERYWHERE. Sorry..venting.
I will not let this experience push me out of the AA rooms (that particular meeting? Ya maybe) I'm pretty happy with my one a week at my homegroup anyway (but I am open to more should I need it...like I thought I did tonight).
Ah well..I didn't succumb a junk food binge..nor booze.
So I'm still aces.
Argh..just had to vent. I just wish some folks (well intended as they may be) can hurt people..can put them out of a sober community..
Some folks need freaking BOUNDARY work.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Engerland
Posts: 897
Yep,
AA has it's fair share of loons just like everywhere else.
Don't let anything deter you and keep going.
After all, if we just left it to the type of people that accosted you, then where would we be.
Certainly not very welcoming to the newcomer.
Keep going to meetings and make a difference.
Your voice and what works for you is as valid as anybody else's.
G
AA has it's fair share of loons just like everywhere else.
Don't let anything deter you and keep going.
After all, if we just left it to the type of people that accosted you, then where would we be.
Certainly not very welcoming to the newcomer.
Keep going to meetings and make a difference.
Your voice and what works for you is as valid as anybody else's.
G
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Strailya
Posts: 8,023
Hey Nuudawn
It's unfortunate but one does occasionally encounter Step Nazis in the room. They remind me of religious fanatics. I guess the rooms and the Steps work in a certain way for them and they become fixated in it being the only way which is patently untrue. I don't think it's necessarily a male/female thing. He may also be a bully as well.
As with toxic folks, one simply gives them a wide berth. You did well.
Rest up and maybe you can catch that girl next time.
It's unfortunate but one does occasionally encounter Step Nazis in the room. They remind me of religious fanatics. I guess the rooms and the Steps work in a certain way for them and they become fixated in it being the only way which is patently untrue. I don't think it's necessarily a male/female thing. He may also be a bully as well.
As with toxic folks, one simply gives them a wide berth. You did well.
Rest up and maybe you can catch that girl next time.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,775
Originally Posted by Nuudawn 
....I am sorry..but it is experiences like this..that push people OUT of AA. Freaking control freaks EVERYWHERE.
You're right of course. That kind of toxic behavior can be a complete turn-off for many esp. those new to AA.
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Unless we're referring to a totalitarian government in power in Germany from 1933-45, let's avoid the N word, guys.
thanks for your cooperation
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Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
Sorry that happened Nuudawn to both you and the young woman. Sadly, some guys just won't understand how much of a bar scene atmosphere they bring with themselves into an AA meeting. These guys are more about examples of being lost than anything else. Good to hear their selfishness bothered you enough to share with us. Unfortunately, some meetings just allow for such behaviors from guys.
Better when never is never
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Wisconsin near Twin Cities
Posts: 1,745
One of the areas I really needed to work on was with my assertiveness skills. Simply being told to learn to tolerate this type of behavior was detrimental to my well-being and essentially meant I should wait to live my life until the overly aggressive person went away, or I left. Learning to say no was incredibly helpful for me. Learning that I can dictate who I will hold conversations with or not was very empowering.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 49
You will encounter aggressive, rude and pushy people in all walks of life. AA is no different than the real world.
It won't affect your recovery and your serenity unless you allow it.
Consider that a good day -- one in which things were going swimmingly and you went to a meeting in a great mood -- this would likely be taken differently. My opinion and reactions change depending upon how things are at that given time. When in a good place I usually respond with a stare, locking eyes for as long as the person can stand it, when someone pushes into my business. Other times I can be sarcastic. But it doesn't bother me unless I'm having a crappy day.
Good work not binging, not drinking and sharing this - keep it up. There are a zillion small miracles ahead of you.
It won't affect your recovery and your serenity unless you allow it.
Consider that a good day -- one in which things were going swimmingly and you went to a meeting in a great mood -- this would likely be taken differently. My opinion and reactions change depending upon how things are at that given time. When in a good place I usually respond with a stare, locking eyes for as long as the person can stand it, when someone pushes into my business. Other times I can be sarcastic. But it doesn't bother me unless I'm having a crappy day.
Good work not binging, not drinking and sharing this - keep it up. There are a zillion small miracles ahead of you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: MD
Posts: 658
A buddy of mine just got his 1 year chip, he's been in and out of AA a few times but he's doing really well this time. He calls those guys the step talib** and generally avoids them, the meetings in his area tend to be very heavy on the religion aspects too- he has found both add to the difficulty of making the program work. OTOH he did find a sponsor who does not go for that sort of thing so I get the feeling the step work is easier for it. He is concerned for the newbs though- he's seen many many people leave because of this stuff.
Keeping it simple!
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Surrey, BC
Posts: 3,282
Originally Posted by jazzfish
Learning to say no was incredibly helpful for me. Learning that I can dictate who I will hold conversations with or not was very empowering.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 413
I'm so sorry that happened to you. I'd be feeling really off-balance on that too!
I think it would be a really good idea to talk to a lady homegroup member of that group, and tell her exactly what happened and how it made you feel.
It seems to me like something to be addressed in a group conscience/business meeting.
Ladies should stick with the ladies. Men should stick with the men.
These are just my thoughts, though.
I think it would be a really good idea to talk to a lady homegroup member of that group, and tell her exactly what happened and how it made you feel.
It seems to me like something to be addressed in a group conscience/business meeting.
Ladies should stick with the ladies. Men should stick with the men.
These are just my thoughts, though.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: liverpool, england
Posts: 1,708
nu
this is exactly what i try to stand up against in aa
the stupid morons who practise that type of aa get my back up and thankfully most real aa members, are nothing like that.
there aa extremists nu and there are a good few of them around.
you shown the new comer compassion nu and that to me would make you a first class member of aa you just wanted to help her and show care for her without wanting to hit her over the head with a book or your own beliefs
thats how aa really is or should be but sadly we do have extremists that we have to ignore as there is no stopping anyone doing anything in aa just because we dont like it
we need members like you in aa nu to think of others and just to give them your time, as thats all you need to do with new comers is give them time, nothing else needed no diploma in aa needed,
so put it down to experience and you will soon start to see who to leave well alone in aa and who to grow closer to
find meetings were the extremists dont operate in, and when you share just share honestly if your having a **** time of it then share about it, dont ever feel you have to say things just for the rooms benefit. or to fit in,
good luck to you nu
keep coming back as it does work despite ourselves : )
this is exactly what i try to stand up against in aa
the stupid morons who practise that type of aa get my back up and thankfully most real aa members, are nothing like that.
there aa extremists nu and there are a good few of them around.
you shown the new comer compassion nu and that to me would make you a first class member of aa you just wanted to help her and show care for her without wanting to hit her over the head with a book or your own beliefs
thats how aa really is or should be but sadly we do have extremists that we have to ignore as there is no stopping anyone doing anything in aa just because we dont like it
we need members like you in aa nu to think of others and just to give them your time, as thats all you need to do with new comers is give them time, nothing else needed no diploma in aa needed,
so put it down to experience and you will soon start to see who to leave well alone in aa and who to grow closer to
find meetings were the extremists dont operate in, and when you share just share honestly if your having a **** time of it then share about it, dont ever feel you have to say things just for the rooms benefit. or to fit in,
good luck to you nu
keep coming back as it does work despite ourselves : )
Hears The Voice
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Unshackled
Posts: 7,901
I remember once, many years ago, attending a speaker meeting. It was crowded. I was new to that meeting and sat in the back, like newbies do. The speaker was a female and she was recounting her drinking history. She recalled a time when she was drunk in a bar and wouldn't leave when her friends wanted to go, so they left her there. She hung out drinking with a group of guys who offered to give her a ride home. She was sexually assaulted on that ride home. As shocking as I found her story, what was truly horrifying to me was that nearly every woman's head in that meeting nodded, as if to say, yep, I know what that is like.
Given how widespread that experience seems to have been for women, men should be very cautious about approaching women at or after a meeting.
Given how widespread that experience seems to have been for women, men should be very cautious about approaching women at or after a meeting.
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