NightsWatch

I've lived alone for most of my adult life, unencumbered by relationships. "Aren't you lonely? How can you stand it?" people have asked. Well, it was easy to be alone when I had a bottle of wine to keep me warm at night. It wasn't until I decided to stop that I really felt my loneliness. So this past year, I learned how to be alone without chasing it away with booze and to not let the loneliness crush me. I think I've been successful and didn't even think about drinking on most nights; when I did, it was fairly mild.

Now that I've started spending time with someone I like, alone time has become unbearable again. How is it that I could be alone for weeks, months, years, and not feel anything in particular, and yet, being alone for a day after spending time with someone I like feel so painful? Tonight, I had the strongest urge to drink since I stopped. This is partially why I avoided relationships to begin with - they always brought so much emotional turmoil. The thought of being alone forever is horrible, but I'm scared that letting myself care and maybe fall in love will make the urge to drink stronger and stronger. Should I just crawl back into my cave? My safe, lonely cave.

ScottFromWI

I would personally see the loneliness when apart as a sign that you truly enjoy the company of your friend. Relationships can be tricky, especially in early sobriety, but they aren't impossible. It is OK to allow yourself to enjoy the company of others. Do be honest and upfront about your sobriety and it's importance.

Mountainmanbob

they warn in the Program that
relationships should be avoided for the first year of sobriety

I understand that this is

much easier said that done

please do your best so as to keep your emotions in a safe place
stress should be avoided in early sobriety

actually stress should be avoided at all times

Mountainman

Cow

First of all, Nightswatch is sworn to no have relationship, okay?

Second, if you gonna has relationship, be prepare to feel joy, heartache, love, alone, happy, stress out, longing, anxiety, anger, and all other stuff that come with relationship. And understand that most relationship not last. Is plain fact. And if that gonna derail you sobriety, then you not ready. Sound like you already becoming little co-dependent on you new friend to provide you with good feeling. That not healthy for you or you new friend. Is important YOU have good feeling in you own life via you own interest, friends and activity. Maybe you need to develops that more. I think only when you fulfill with you self, then you has something to share with partner.

NightsWatch

I forgot about that! Maybe I unconsciously knew something when I picked the handle.

Anyway, thanks everyone. I got through the night without drinking. I did have a few Snickers ice cream bars. I'm pretty sure I had a day's worth of saturated fats in a matter of a few minutes. Oh well. Definitely gotta work on not freaking out when my emotions get the better of me.

IOAA2

Hi. Early on I was informed that there is a difference between being alone and loneliness. After a lot of sober time I’m still comfortable with alone time. Maybe I’m too independent. I’m comfortable though.

BE WELL

jdooner

There is a handful of possibilities. It is possible you might have traded additions with this relationship bordering on codependency. May want to be careful of this. Its possible that you neglected to feel the human instinct to communicate and now you have had a taste when its taken away you feel how much you like it.

Do you have someone you can speak with and share these thoughts with?

dwtbd

As far as I see there are two ways to deal with triggers. First identify and label all the possible things that would make drinking acceptable or excusable to yourself and avoid them like the plague, or resolve to hold drinking as a conscious decision removed from any trigger.
It would be hard to live a fullfilling life without emotional experiences, so removing that from the trigger column could be a more reasonable approach, more reasonable at least than trying to avoid the experience of emotion.

trailrunrbyday

I don't know if this will encourage you or not but I was very content to have my own apartment/time/space to myself prior to meeting my husband. When we began spending a lot of time together I would suddenly feel desperately lonely when he wasn't there(we lived a long distance away so there would be weeks/months between visits). I would pretty much pace around and be filled with loneliness and anxiety until we could spend time together again. We ultimately married and lived together(still do - 15 years later) and I now enjoy my alone time (he works away from home) - I treasure it.....any we have a fabulous relationship(I enjoy his company very much).

I find that when he is around I want to do *us* things - but when I am alone I go back to things I enjoy alone(reading, painting, girlie movies etc).

Try to fill your time with things that you enjoy doing alone. Hope it gets easier/better for you!!!

Nuudawn

In my opinion...no. I have spent most of my life in that cave...with that bottle. Even in relationship..I was in that cave...with my bottle. Mostly, I preferred unrequited love, rejected love, unavailable love, obsessional love...in my head...as company.

It is only in recovery that I have come to face my terror of true and authentic intimacy. My battle with the bottle both reflected and addressed that fear. Alcohol both eased my loneliness and prompted drunken reaching out via telephone, facebook, brazen comments to men, forced and premature physical intimacy etc etc etc.

I have spent my life..mostly drunk...alternating between pining for and sabotaging relationships. My greatest work of addiction art (and in this I am addressing my love addiction as well)..was staying drunk for 5 years, dating endlessly whilst pining away for a lost love that I felt I was destined to reconcile with ..given enough time. I satiated my immediate lonelieness and pain with booze and men but left my heart and vulnerability in a cave awaiting reconciliation with someone...I never truly knew in the first place.

I can switch obsessions/addictions on a dime. I can get "addictive" in relationship as it just provides another excuse to avoid addressing my own life and self....

Argh..it's mind spinning. I can fancy myself love's victim and justify drinking whilst doing everything in my power to keep authentic connection away from my front door.

In reflection, that door bell has rung many, many times...whilst I sat in my cave..drunk and afraid..never allowing my true self out to risk rejection.

I don't think one should avoid relating with other folks...BUT one has to be very careful about "obsession" of anything.

No one is going to save us..rescue us..love us better. Love songs and Hollywood have done us a grave injustice.

Good company is a blessing....real, authentic, honest company..not given to idolization, obsession, fantasy and illusion.

We must keep ourselves "in check" both alone and with others.

NightsWatch

I think a little of both? It does remind me what what I've been missing. Since I've been alone (whether that be real or my perception) for a long time, I think it must serve some psychological purpose in some ways. For instance, I don't have to fear the loss, anxiety, intimacy of a real, messy relationship. But I'm not a natural hermit type. I crave intimacy as much as I fear it. I'm not sure I would be posting here if I didn't feel a need to connect on some level.

I see a therapist so I'll talk to her about it at my next session.

I hear ya. I wouldn't say I preferred unrequited, rejected, unavailable, obsessional love, but those seemed safer in a way than risking true intimacy with another person. Of course, those types of love are never fulfilling, so I'm often in a state of dissatisfaction.

And yes, I think ultimately what this is about is avoiding addressing my own life, my own self. As Cow mentioned, I need to find fulfillment in myself rather than looking outside of me, whether that be booze, a man, or whatever else. I think if I can get to that place, I will feel more stability and be less fearful and grasping of the external things that I think will bring me happiness.