LifeBlows

Last year, I got fired from a fast food job. I had come to loathe that job. I never felt clean after working there. The back of fast food kitchens is always disgusting. At the time I was not used to making decisions so what I would do is to create a catastrophe that would get me out of the job. I had only planned to be there for three maybe four months and I think I was going on 10 I think. It was awful. I wanted to quit every day. Anyway what I did was Idrank on the job.

It turned out to be a good thing for me. After getting fired from that job I finally knuckled down and looked for a professional job which is what I should have done from the beginning. (I got scared and decided to take anything I could get and then look for a professional job in my spare time.

Anyway I live in a small town and the fast food place where I used to work is just opposite the only Superstore in town. I was waiting for the bus home and a former co-worker passed by. She actually stopped in front of me and bent over to look at my face. I actually hadn't even noticed her. Then she walked away without saying a word. I felt ashamed. I`m so glad that I had taken care to dress well today. I looked like a professional, you know not like a hobo.

I don't regret being fired from that job. It was time for me to go. I regret disrespecting my workplace like that. I keep thinking she is going to go to work tomorrow and tell them about how she had seen Anne. Yuck. I don't want them to think of me. I want them to forget that I exist. I want to forget that my alcoholism had become so bad that I went from working as a financial analyst to desperately trying to hang on to a job flipping burgers. It reminds me of a time in my life when I felt pathetic about **% of the time. I felt desperate, trapped and frustrated.

I am supposed to buy a car this weekend (hopefully) so I don't have to shop at that super store. I don't want to see any of those people.

newhope01

I would try to focus on where you are now and where you will be since you are sober rather than your sordid past.

You arent the same person anymore.

Taking5

Why do you actually give a rat's *** what other people say or think about you? What other people think about you is none of your business anyway. Focus on the present.

thatcat

Any time you feel yourself getting uncomfortable like that, remind yourself that everyone has "stuff" that they've said and done that they are ashamed of (or should be - lol!) .... You are free to shop anywhere you like. Anyone, including those from your old job, are human just like you, with no power over you. Be free and enjoy being you, anywhere you want.

FeelingGreat

Hi LB, if you really feel ashamed of your behaviour, why not write them a letter of apology? Clear the decks.

ESD907

nothing wrong with shame. If you did not feel it, thats a host of other problems. Shame makes you not want to behave the same way again... Its natures guidance tool.

MsJax

As time passes and you stay sober, feelings like that will fade some. I still feel awful about about some things from when I was a drunk, but I think it's important to remember just what alcohol does to us.

A former employee of mine who is now in recovery did her amends with me regarding how she disrespected me and my company while an active alcoholic. (She had stolen, was awful at work, etc). I appreciated that so much. We are still in touch as friends now

Ken33xx

Whenever I go back to the city I grew up in and see friends from youth one or two like to bring up my past.

Ha..ha.. remember when you did this or that?

Subtle putdowns which I don't need esp. when I prefer to talk about the now as opposed to what happened 30 years ago.

When this comes up I just smile and change the conversation or in the case of one individual I no longer contact him.

zjw

I sometimes wonder if i subconciously sabatoge situations myself just to get myself out of them. Something like drinking on the job i guess is a rather concious decision but I could see myself doing the same on a subconcious level. IE things got so bad I said screw it if it gets me fired so what and BINGO it does.

I can imagine working a fast food joint is gross. If i make bacon for my family i have to shower becuase i feel greesy and nasty afterwards. I also notice the smoke bothers my breatheing even go figure. So I think its ok you felt that way but on the bright side you did what you had to do. Not everyone else is capable of working those kinds of jobs. I always say sometimes you gotta be able to clean the public toilet its just life. And sometimes its best if you do those sorts of things with a smile. That being said I think id' rather clean a public toilet then do my present job go figure!.

You want to move on from those people been there done that got that shirt. I can relate. In the whole scheme of things tho however there opinions of you are pretty meaningless. IF they are all sitting around talking about how the one person saw you etc.. whats it matter they probably dont know all the facts and couldnt put together an objective opinion nayhow. and besides you want to move on from all them anyhow so why do you care? Put it behind you. If it where me I'd think screw em. Sure you screwed up and all but wtvr.

zjw

just to add my present job I quit years ago never wanted to see those friggen people again. Now i'm back and I have to see all those friggen people again. I know some of them had there little thoughts about me etc.. But I'm a much different person now then I was then. A lot of people from my past are intimidated by me now. its Kind of interesting what happens when you improve your life. People that once laughed at you now envy you and wish they had what you got.

LifeBlows

Thanks everyone. I think it also helped that I was well dressed that day and had freshly installed braids that I had actually bothered to style for once. Thankfully I don't feel TOXIC shame. You know the kind. The one that makes you just want to lie down and die. I just can't believe I wound up there in the first place and that I managed to stay for so long. Bleh

Wastinglife

Hi LifeBlows, looks like we have things in common. I drank away a career in finance too. And in Toronto. I worked for a major brokerage firm for 6 years until the alcohol completely took over. I had to sneak off at lunch for a few pints just to get the shakes to stop enough for me to type. I quit before they could fire me. I was really paranoid and drunk all the time anyway so I was barely getting by.

I then went through about 5 other jobs that I was over qualified for. One of them I was fired the first day on the job. I reeked of booze and everyone within 10 feet could smell it. I didn't care really. Everyone was younger than me and I didn't belong there anyway.

After a stint in rehab, I am sober now and trying to put my life back together. I look back at my ruined career and the other jobs now as just an attempt by me to fit in and do what I thought society wanted me to do. I was miserable and lost.

Put the past behind you and begin a new chapter. I am sober and seeing a therapist. Act two begins for me now and I have hope for once in my life.

I look back at some of my jobs and also can't believe I ended up there. I kept these jobs secret from everyone.

Go Jays!

BrodyCrystal4

Damn right.

Hey Life. Thanks for sharing. I love the name. Also, I saw how many blog posts you have, and I'm gonna check that out. You sound like you're pulling out of your spiral, so keep that in mind, and use those bad feelings, and turn them into something good. Help someone else, or improve yourself or your surroundings. Don't sell yourself short - the gap between "fastfood Lifeblows" and this Lifeblows probably wasn't easy. Don't sell yourself short. Give yourself some credit.

Yes, it was a painful reminder. And that woman should have handled the situation more appropriately. But this isn't about her. This is about your perception of who you were, am I wrong? And overall, you're doing a better job, right?

Use it as a reminder when you're tempted to stray back to the bottle. Thats when this memory is useful. Other than that, it's detrimental. Put it on the back burner and keep being awesome.

Oh, I haven't been there, but I follow hockey, and have considering moving there on and off for a few years. Ontario rocks. Thanks for sharing. All the best.

Tamerua

The fact that she would approach you in such a manner says far more about her than you.
You're making good progress, you show it with your perspective on things. Keep moving in this direction.