zjw

this is the story of my life but since last night is a good example.

I new i had to work this morning i didnt want to and i new i would be facing nothing but problems in the morning with work. I had a horrible night was very anxious and distant from my family i tried desperatly to relax and not worry but i felt awful. It was the first time in a long time if someone would have asked whats wrong I would have replied "I need a drink thats whats wrong!!!".

Fast forward to this morning. I log into work my nightmere awaited me. Full of anxiety i tackled problems hating every second of it. I coudlnt take it anymore. On company time I decided i'm going for a run i need to calm down I cant take it anymore I didnt care if this got me fired or not i had to go. As i was stretching my little one comes over to me asking for more juice poking me in the head with his cup. I freak out hurl his cup accross the room and started screaming. Then told my wife how i hate feeling this way i wish it would stop and I sort of apologized.

I went for my run came back and of course my work nightmere was not over. I'm still battleing it.

any advice on what i should do? I know a new line of work would obviously help but its not an option at the moment unless i manage to get fired *sigh*.

suki44883

What kind of support are you getting for your sobriety, other than posting here on SR? While SR is a wonderful online support system, it doesn't replace good face-to-face support. Just trying to white-knuckle it doesn't work. You need something else, especially if you are acting out in anger toward your child.

zjw

I go to AA once in a while thats about it. I have no friends and the few people i do talk to honestly are tired of listening to me. even today i could read the look on my wifes face of shes just tired of it.

I think my job might just be too much for me to handle. this has been going on for a long time. Its really rare i snap. but yeah I'll yell and scream and over react about the stupidest things.

I'm not sure its sobriety related or not. I see plenty of people who dont have drinking problems act in the same fashion about stuff. The difference between them and me is I'm here going I wanna stop this! I want to be able to remain calm and collected and not have this get the best of me or make me feel terrible.

maybe work stress is just part of life and i need to get over it and not let it get to me somehow.

sometimes I think maybe I should up and quit my job. roll the dice if you will and try ot find something else to do for a living that i can handle and remain a little more happy and content.

zjw

it also doesnt help that since i'm a programmer if i try to talk about my issues at work i miles well be speaking greek to people. No one understands any of it and they get bored really fast this leaves me with like no outlet no one to talk to and blow off steam.

zjw

you know all to often too i hear this is normal this is just life get over it be thankful for what you have move on dont let it get to you.

I try and put all this in practice as much as i can but I'll still carry a great deal of anxiety and worry with me I fight it constantly. and well in the heat of it when it gets overbearing what do i do? Obviously going for a run to calm down was helpful but probably not the wisest choice if i want to retain my current employment. But I'm honestly not even sure that i want to do that.

biminiblue

Is it that you are overwhelmed with too much work?

If so, you need to speak up for yourself with your superiors. Tell them you cannot deal with XYZ. If you are acting out in anger you need to do something.

If you truly cannot handle the stress, you have to speak up. Often in work you will be given more and more to do until you say, "No. I can't do that much." The limits are going to be pushed by superiors, they are trying to find how much they can delegate to each employee. If you can't do it, you can't do it. No shame in that. Once you tell them, then it is in their court to decide how to handle that information. Honesty is the only way here.

zjw

biminiblue,

the sad reality is I think its anything but too much work or stress. Granted today I had a great deal of stress. But generally speaking the level of stress i'm under is laughable in comparison to some of my co workers. I'm just having a very hard time shouldering it at all.

At times yes its too much but honestly most of the time I'm twiddling my thumbs then when I'm given a task thats when its this great big mountain i gotta climb and i start to freak out and worry till the task is done.

I find i have a hard time tackling some of the simpliest things. things I used to never have trouble doing now its a huge obstacle. My patience has run thin for my co workers and my job as a whole so this doesnt help matters etc..

hope this makes sense. I'll be honest part of me wonders if there is just something wrong with me. I shouldnt be having so much trouble with this level of stress. But then I am who i am and not everyone can handle the same level of stress as the next guy from that view I say well maybe this is ok maybe I need to accept this for how it is and move myself into a more simplier role in life something I can handle better something that doesnt do this to me.

but sadly my hands are tied with just changing jobs.

NoJimmy

Exercise and meditation seem to help me squash anxiety. I exercise like a fiend, but admit I haven't been meditating lately. Last night was the first night in many months I struggled with anxiety. I could not stop my mind from spinning, it was like I was doubting my ability to succeed with every current life challenge all at once.

I hear what you're saying about career path, I'm searching for a new direction myself. For years I have done a job that was highly stressful, this seemed reasonable when I got hammered every Friday to have a little peace from it. I am not suggesting that was my only reason to drink, but drinking was certainly a coping mechanism for stress. I am now considering that I have been forcing myself to do a job that never really suited me. We all need to generate income to fund our existence, but I'm no longer willing to sell my time to the highest bidder with little regard for wellness, balance or satisfaction. I'm unwilling to wake up every morning dreading what I do. I'm doing some soul searching to find something that I can be passionate about, and look forward to doing most days. Perhaps you can find a little peace of mind knowing that you have the power and ability to change your situation.

Mountainmanbob

it's hard when we have a stressful job
especially if we are in early recovery

what get's me out of most all bad moods is
realizing how grateful that I'm for what I have

at this point in time
you have a job so as to pay the bills
let us please face the cold hard facts -- many do not have this privilege

yes when I'm grateful it helps to get me out of self
seems that the worst place I can be in is
what does Bob need ?? what does Bob want ??

MM

suki44883

Have you considered finding a therapist? That would give you someone to talk to about your problems who won't roll their eyes. Sometimes getting a non-biased opinion from someone can help. You need an outlet, so that's one thing to consider.

Also, going to AA once in a while isn't enough. You might want to go at least a couple times a week. Being around others who are going through similar issues can be a huge help. Again, it will at least give you someone to talk to.

The suggestion about getting some exercise is a good one, too. Maybe join a gym or join a local YMCA and use their exercise facilities. That can help a lot in getting out frustration.

zjw

I dunno how to respond other then my thoughts exactly. I've been thinking the exact same thing for a few years. I went through the same routine. took on this job back when i drank it seemed to work ok for me when i could just end my day with 15 or 20 beers. It seemed ok when i could get angry say screw it crack open a beer or smoke pot at lunch and then go back and tackle things.

booze was a coping mechanism now its gone now I dunno how to cope / handle this job. This is nothing new. I've known this for years. I started to realize it back when i still drank.

I'm just still stuck becuase I have a wife and 6 kids and I need the income and i keep waiting for something better to come along but it does not. I look for other options and cant seem to find any. While i wait for things to turn around I do try and remain greatful and accept things for how they are and make the best of it the best way i can.

but it still gets the best of me an dif it doesnt get the best of me it'll still eat at me.

I got the idea of picking a date and on that date if nothing improves with work I'd resign and just take my chances even if it meant living in a shelter. After all I could be in a shelter and still find something to be thankful for. But then I'd have to drag my wife and kids through that mess and I'm not sure I could stomach it all because I couldnt handle my job all because I fell apart and couldnt cut it.

It wouldnt be fair to them. But its not fair to me how it is now and i'm not being fair to htem if i'm in a pissy mood etc..

I go round and round with this very same issue. Like i said people are tired of listening to me. I dont bring it up much here because I dont want people here to grow tired of me like everyone else has.

zjw

yeah exercise is my only outlet its a godsend I run like 60 miles a week. and sometimes wish it didnt have to be that way but it does so that i can remain calm besides I enjoy it anyhow.

I know i should go to AA more often. But think about it this way too. I go into AA wine about my crappy job to people who would beg to have my job. I'll sound like an idiot! Sometimes its hard to get people to understand what i'm getting at when i gripe about my job. Once they grasp it there like oh ok i get it now. Its a complicated mess of over 10 years at this company putting up with all the nonsense day in and day out etc..

I think i'm burned out on this field this job i'm beyond burned out well beyond it. If i do quit I'll leave the field. At the very least it'll be 6 months or more before i ever return to the field if i ever return to the field. My skills are dated so lucky for me if i want out of this field I might not have much trouble no one will hire me anyhow. Which shouldnt bother me I want out anyway.

I've thought about taking some classes to learn something new. It will mean a massive pay cut. I'd have to take on student loans. I'd have to be gone at nights going to classes and away from my family and I'd have to sell my house moe the family into something smaller and cheaper. All for me and my problems? Maybe I should figure out how to BUCK UP? thats what everyone would tell me BUCK UP quit being a wuss. Thats great advice only this has been going on for years and I havent figured out how to BUCK UP yet *sigh*.

Tamerua

There are over 100k people in this community, we won't get tired of you! That is what this group is for. What is it about work that is bothering you specifically; behind all the complicated mess there is something there that others can relate to. Also, I'm not a programmer but I'm over a group BAs in a tech environment if you want to let it out, I'm more than happy to be a sounding board.

I agree with the wise person above (sorry, posting from iPhone, I can't scroll up and see your name) that a meeting every once in a while isn't going g to help. I go to several a week, keeps my life in perspective. Also, running regularly helps.

I know that you know this intellectually but quitting without something else in place isn't a good idea... I was a kid who had a parent who made a choice and let the chips fall where they may and did live in several shelters. That isn't a plan. It sounds like you need a solid way to get rid of your frustrations.

Journaling, exercise, more meetings and working with a sponsor (if you are open to that) or working with a therapist, all are good. And actively looking for a job that would be more suited to you. Do you want to stay in programming? I'm rambling now.

biminiblue

I think you should keep this thread going. Lots of people struggle with their jobs.

It has been my experience that writing about a problem helps solve it.

You are going to solve this - you were born with the innate ability to solve this. All you need is to talk it through. I think doing that in this thread will be very cathartic and also will help many people.

I know you will solve this. Keep talking. Have you tried prayer?

suki44883

Can you take some community college courses? My daughter and son-in-law are doing that. You could take them online if necessary and do it after work. So, you'd keep your job while studying for something else that interests you?

Just spit-balling here.

Also, the program of AA isn't the meetings. It's working the steps with a sponsor. Those steps teach you how to build a new life. They aren't only for quitting drinking, they are life enrichment steps that will affect every part of your life.

zjw

everyone says this I'm lost I dont get it. I've read the steps a number of times and feel as tho I got a good foundation going but then I wonder if i really do considering i still battle some of the same very big obstacles.

meetings help me gain perspective. I feel bad about it tho. I go i see others in the meeting and i realize my life is not so bad and i feel better about my circumstances and i go home.

my life is stupid peachy. My only problems are money and my job. those are really minor problems to have in comparison to what other people face on a daily basis.

My financial problems are pretty scary tho. its just more or less very hard to make ends meet. and my job issues have been going on for years. I quit this job once years ago found a new job I really enjoyed then that place went out of business i was out of work for over a year and ended up back at this outfit. It took me years then to find something to replace this gig with.

Now things are more complicated. my skills are dated I want out of the field anyhow. I keep looking for something else. I've been looking for years. but i open the classifieds and unless i want to take a drastic paycut and move my family to a small house I dont know what else to do.

Believe me part of me wants to move to a smaller home and such my mortgage payment is killing me. I'd love to sell get something smaller and a lower payment then ease into a job thats more fitting with a lower payment and less stress from work. But I cant convince my wife to go for this so I just stomach it in the meantime but I'm miserable and i worry i'll resent her or the kids at some point.

All the while I get told thats how it is. even just now I said to my wife. So what I should come home from work angry yell at her? yell at the kids? kick the dog and polish off a case of beer? thats normal? thats what everyone else seems to do or they are just angry miserable people and I dont want to be that way.

Then while saying that I flashed back to my child hood remember my stepfather and my life and thats how it was day in day out he came home flipped ut on us and proceded to get drunk then our morning before school started out like that again. Who wants to live like that?

there has to be a solution. I know there will always be problems.

I think loosing my job or quiting will be the motivating force that gets me to do something different and for my family to go along with it. But i'd rather ease into a change on my time.

suki44883

Reading the steps is not the same as working the steps. If you would find someone at an AA meeting who has what you want, and ask them to sponsor you, then you can begin working the steps. The steps force you to look inside yourself. That can be scary for a lot of people, but doing so will help you understand what is wrong and work to fix it.

You keep coming back to your job being the source of your problems. While that may be true, there are problems in whatever job you have. No place is perfect and the common denominator is you. You need to fix whatever is wrong with you, and then it won't matter so much about your job. You'll have a totally new outlook on life.

drunktastic1002

When I'm overwhelmed I find it useful to remove the circumstances and details around a situation and break it down to just the barest parts and get to what's real. Even sober, I have a tendency to create these ridiculous scenarios about the reality of any given moment/event and it's usually pretty grandiose. As an example, a while back I didn't get a job I was vying for jumped down the rabbit hole of tangential thinking and by the end of it all, my kid and I were panhandling on the corner because I'd lost all. My skills of perception are limited. A couple of decades of drinking has left me ill equipped to handle conflict and adult conversation so breaking it down to the most simple truths was necessary. I had to ask myself, what was real? I didn't get the job I wanted and was disappointed. I felt small and jealous of the person who did get it. I felt afraid for the financial future of my family. I have a long standing tradition of catastrophizing life events becoming bitter, sullen and withdrawing from self care when I feel this way. The next question was, what can I do differently today? I decided to affirm the good truths as well as the uncomfortable ones. I made a good effort to secure a good position and was accountable. I actually gave a kitty about the financial future and the care and comfort of my family. There are other positions for which I am qualified. I walked through the discomfort without a drink.
I can't speak for the negative truths about your post but I can give you three affirmations based on what I read. You admitted that you had been rough on your family which is very brave indeed. You shared your agitation with others as opposed to isolating. You told on yourself about your low meeting attendance and your lack of social support. Good show.

zjw

9 mile run and 3 mile walk and I'm fairly calm came back from my walk decided screw it and logged off of work. everyone else left and i still need people to handle some stuff i repaired etc.. but everyone else left I guess its not all that important to them that crap works so why should it be important to me?

I walked some trails and pondered how lucky i am to live where i do the country mountain views are great to soak in. The walk by a creek and a pond where nice and relaxing.

I was going to take my son out today but I just got too overwhelmed neither of us woulda enjoyed ourselves with me in that state. Tommorrow I'll take him out as for work maybe i'll get fired maybe i wont but I gotta try and put those thoughts down for now and concern myself with them on monday.

back to the battle for my mind and worries i guess but I'm calm and collected for now.

Mountainmanbob

Not sure if you have a Sponsor
But
That is the proper way to work the Program
With a Sponsor who knows the book
And can take you through the steps
MM