zjw

I wanted to add a recent example of how i handled a situation not work or money related. My child locked them selves out of there ipod I dunno months ago. Me being the techy gadgety person this should be no problem for me to fix. BUT I have no patience for that nonsense anymore. I hate gadgts and computers anymore I cant stand it. and I'm so sick of everyone coming to me with there gadget problems. or software problems or wtvr. So this problem comes along and I was like well I dunno how to fix it sorry. Inside i felt dread fixing her ipod was the LAST thing i wanted to do. I honestly did not knowhow to fix it i hate those stupid devices I hate smart phones I hate all of it. Despise it! But knowing my background i know it would be a piece of cake for me to figure it out. But I just had no patience. So rather then freak out about it I let her ipod sit. For I dunno a couple months. then one day she asked me again if I could fix it. I was feeling good I thought todays the day I think I can tackle this for her today I think i can handle it. So a google search and 30 minutes later she was happy as a clam with a fixed ipod no biggie.

But geeze did i really need to walk away from it for months? Yeah I did I just couldnt face it. It was like OH GOD NO NOT ANOTHER PROBLEM NOT NOW! and I despise this stuff anyhow so that just made it worse.

stupid i guess but I didnt freak out I didnt scream or launch her ipod accross the room or something It might have taken me a while but i took care of it for her etc..

Croissant

I'm sorry, but the post above sounds like someone who was still drinking would do.

I'm just going to be honest and say, you need to go get help. Talk to your doctor honestly about this and your alcoholism.

That's a pretty $hitty thing to do to a kid. Sorry, but if nothing else, you need to sort your attitude out for their sake. That's horrible.

Even if you can't see it.

biminiblue

Here are some things I spotted in your last few posts:

Perfectionistic desires.

Need to update skills/take some classes.

Your wife (IMO) shouldn't have the last say in what job you take. The two of you could use some counseling together.

Grandiose thinking (everyone brings their gadgets to me to fix, I hate all that stuff, no more of their problems, I can fix it I just won't.) Your ego is just the type that the 12Steps were written to help.

Tamerua

I think some of the frustration you feel and hear is because every suggestion made has a counter of how it won't work for you.

What I have learned since I stopped drinking is that ceasing to pour alcohol into our bodies is only one part of getting sober. The rest is working on us, why we drank and changing our thought processes. When we were faced with a problem, we drank. Now we have to find other solutions... That is where working the 12 steps with a sponsor comes in. Or seeing a therapist to learn new coping skills, or any of the other countless recovery programs teach us.

I have lots to say about this, but I would probably ramble. I think going to meetings and putting this out there would help. And when you hear a suggestion, reflect on it, visualize yourself using the suggestion rather than saying, "yeah, but..."

Ken33xx

Exactly.

I found myself in an ugly situation around 2007-2009 when the housing market crashed here in the US. Like the OP I felt events were over my head and it wasn't until I got out of my comfort zone and took action that things slowly changed. Fortunately, I had someone to talk with because business decisions needed to be made and I wasn't equipped with the knowledge to correctly make them.

Turn it over, Pray, Mediate, Don't be the director, You can't change people, places and things ect. were tossed way. However, when one member simple asked, "Did you drink today" and I said no he replied, "Then it's a good day" That clicked. Because no matter my current situation I was certainly was better off than when I came into AA.

O.k now what?

1. Got out of my comfort zone and did the footwork to change what I could.

2. Sought advise outside the rooms/BB.

3. Realized there's nothing wrong with feeling unhappy/angry the question is how long do I want to stay in such a funk? And what action am I going to take to get out of it?.

4. Like it or not (after doing the footwork) I often need to accept the outcome isn't what I want. But such is life.

Imo, it's often not until life hits you hard that you grow both in and out of AA.

zjw

It would have been a crummy thing to do to a kdi but I didnt do it. All I did was put it to the side till i could collect myself and handle it for her. It took me a while But i took care of it for her with a smile too. But when I was initially asked yes I felt as if i tried to tackle that at the time I might snap So i chose not too so that I would not snap. I cant recall what was going at the time she initially asked maybe nothing or maybe I was stuck in my head I recall I was not in the best mind frame so I told her I dont know how to fix it sorry and put it to the side.

I'm pulled in many directions all day long. Between work and kids etc.. I get pretty frazzled to say the least. I gotta stop a lot of times and collect my thoughts and figure out how to go on to the next task. I have to accept that I cannot take on everything thats put in front of me. When i sobered up I realized I was not superman. Part of not being superman meant not to just agree to repair everyones technoligical messes anymore it was stressing me out so I had to learn to say no. Its not an arrogant grandiouse thing. It got out of hand I couldnt take it anymore and had to learn to say no sorry guys I cant do it anymore. I had to learn not to bite off more then i can chew If that makes sense.

I've heard this before. And its a statement that haunts me to be honest. I realize her and I should probably try and work things out such as this but it gets so confusing when I try discussing it. She has some very valid arguements in her viewpoint at the same time I have some very real issues going on as well its really been tough to find a solution that we are both happy with WITHOUT fighting over it. IF these kinda dialogs start and it starts getting tense we tone it down shelf it and come back to it later. we've done this for years no solutions yet.

She loves having me working from home. I love it too. But some other jobs that come along might mean working out of the home they are generally tossed out because it would mean not working from home and being with the family.

For what its worth I feel better today then when i first posted this all up. But that being said this has been an ongoing issue for me so while i'm ok today tommorrow I might not be who knows.

EndGameNYC

There's a problem here:

Ignoring your children's reasonable requests for help for months at a time because you're convinced that you cannot control your emotions is not a trivial event, and will only get worse the more you practice this strategy and the more you dismiss it as benign neglect.

And here:

Relationships mean conflict. And a lot of hard work. Relationships aren't about avoiding arguments; they're about finding solutions, no matter how difficult that road is. Avoiding solutions for our struggles by shelving them for a more convenient time (which doesn't seem to come) is what people do to avoid finding meaningful solutions.

After reading all of your comments, it seems to me that your stress is more about the unhealthy relationship you and your wife have built, and which you both now seem to protect, even though doing so leaves you both unsatisfied, than it is about your work.

You seem adamant about standing still and waiting for some window to open, some ship to come in, or some opportunity to land in your lap...Very much like the way you and your wife shelve your problems when things get too "tense." Not gonna happen, either with work or with your marriage.

You've commented several times that people in AA, your friends, people on SR...all say the same things about your struggles, yet this doesn't seem to have impressed you in any meaningful way. The common denominator in all your interactions with others is you. And unless you believe that everyone else must be wrong, then the solutions reside in what you're willing to do (and, based on your comments) the many things that you're unwilling to do to get to a better place.

When I drank, I was very willing to place the blame for my struggles on everything but what I was doing to make myself unhappy. And I very much doubt that I'm unique in this. After some sober time, I learned that if I'm unhappy, the only real remedy is to act on my own best interests and stop worrying about the outcomes. Taking the action itself -- without regard to the outcome -- has often been transformational and has always brought me to a better place.

zjw

EndgameNYC I think a lot of what your saying is true. as much as I try and avoid conflict so does my wife. I try to discuss our budget she always says do we have to discuss this now. She realizes i obsess over such things we both realize we have no answers to our predicaments so yeah when it comes to finances we lift the carpet and sweep the mess underneath. Dont get me wrong we solve the problems when we can. My financial woes are no where near what they once where. When we could we took steps to resolve things when we couldnt we shelved them for a later time.

So yes part of me wants to turn the world upside down grab the bull by the horns and do a few things to once and for all fix my fincial issues. My job issues etc.. But I cant tackle it like that not everyone else in my house is ready for that sort of upheaval. I have to gingerly handle these things with my wife.

I can see it from your angle tho too. But I think if announce I think we should go to counseling I'm going to cause more damage then good. I'm not sure that my problems are so terrible that they merit that kindof action either.

I got problems just like anyone else. But I dont think i can flip the world upside down to resolve them either. I'm trying to take it one step at a time gingerly to keep the peace. And yeah it causes me to have to shoulder a heavy load at times. I guess this is just part of life.

I dont think anyones relationship is perfect they all take work thats what I've been doing for years with my wife. Things have not gotten worse over the years they have gotten better.

I feel like this threads gone nuts now we are picking apart my marriage and my job. All I originally was seeking is some help to maybe not allow the stress of work get the best of me. I'm sure it happens to everyone from time to time. I realize long term I need to find another gig at some point and when things work out I'll do so but its not gonna happen over night sadly.

zjw

You know what is sad is my nasty stepfather would have done the same thing to me as a child *gulp*

I should probably drop everything for my wife and kids no matter what it is. And generally I do but I wont lie I let stuff slide cause I just cant seem to tackle one more thing and i'm stressed out.

zjw

What gets me is everyone saying how I"m unwilling to do and failing to recognize what I have done thus far.

Now I could go to AA more often that is a given that could help me out maybe not today maybe not this week but overtime it'll help me out. I could keep looking for a job maybe I'll find one maybe i wont. I could look into classes to learn a new skill but in looking into this I'm unwilling to take on student loans and right now I cant take the pay cut for the things I'd like to do. Theres a few things i'd like to do over what I do now but they all would entail me to take a pay cut. One that would be so drastic I'd have to sell my house etc... I cant just huck a for sale sign out front but yes the rate i'm going the decision could end being made for me. A very scary reality i hope I dont have to face. In the mean time I keep doing what I am doing. Exercise reading learning coming here I can go to AA more often etc..

No immediate solutions have been given to me just stuff I can work on some stuff I already am other stuff I can add to my todo list.

I dunno maybe I feel like i'm just being picked apart too much here. But it also annoys me how this is always coming back to ME. For 3 years of my sobriety its like UGGG ME AGAIN. AAA I"M WRONG AGAIN. AAA GOTTA FIX THIS ABOUT ME AGAIN. and you know I did a great deal of beating myself up over it. I know I'll never be perfect But I sure hope I can find a place where I got an "acceptable" me.

I feel like I was starting to find that acceptable me. But from what I can gather from everyone here I'm still clearly not even close to being there yet.

jdooner

No one said self reflection is easy. There is no expiration on recovery. Its not a race. Not everything is our fault. But in all of our relationships we have some role in the outcome, even though we might not understand this at first glance.

I found tremendous value in AA's 12 steps. It helped me better understand my role in my relationships. It also cleared the log jam of resentments and fears that clogged my channel. Do I still have fears and resentments? Of course. I am going through some serious **** right now. But its more manageable with a tool kit on a daily basis vs dealing with a pile of crap from the past.

I agree with Bimini that the steps would benefit your thought process.

EndGameNYC

It was an unfortunate and inaccurate choice of words on my part to describe your relationship with your wife as "unhealthy." Based on your comments, it would have been more accurate for me to have written that you've created an unhealthy way of dealing with your problems.

zjw

true I can own that. Coping skills is what i'm severly lacking in its been a struggle for a very long time getting sober made it worse because I had to truely face things.

here is an example money is tight I told my wife this. By tight I mean really tight. she goes to the store and spends. On food and a pair of shoes for one of the kids. she spent money we really did not have.

I saw the receipt. I've bit my tongue about finances for over a week now because I know given the chacne I will obsess over it and not let it go till a solution is found. I like to solve problems. But i've bit my tongue I'm trying to be nice.

SO i looked at the reciept tried not to panic and about cried. I said to her that I have a few things we can sell to resolve this but that is all I have left and if this happens again we will just have to call family members for help as I have no more options at this moment to bring in any extra income. She took this as me snapping at her. I said I'm not snapping at you. I'm telling you how it is. I'm not any better with money there just is not enough to go around and thats how it is in this household untill we figure out a solution.

What can i do? Fight with her that I should get a second job? work 7 days a week 80 plus hours not see my kids? Selling the house is the best option but what if this financial mess eases up soon I'd hate to do something so drastic if we can push through this bump in the road. But I dont have any more choices.

EndGameNYC

The only thing left I have to offer is to go to your local Department of Social Services. Millions of people dismiss this as an option, deciding in advance that they're too proud to take a "handout," or that they simply won't qualify for help. Worse, some people compare themselves to others who don't qualify or take advice from a friend or neighbor who tells them not to bother. With six children, a mortgage and (as it seems) only one source of income, you may very well be eligible for food stamps, low- or no- cost health insurance and/or a monthly cash allocation.

Unless you've already tried this, there is absolutely no reason not to investigate.

30yrdrunk

Zjw,

Thank you for sharing in such an open way. Personally, I think you're pretty terrific. I am freaking out and only have 2 kids. Aside from running are their any other hobbies or interests you like to pursue?

Best wishes,

TC

zjw

EndGAmeNYC I hate to swallow my pride and sign up for welfare. But we've looked into it and barely just dont qaulify. it STINKS my wife keeps saying we shoudl give it a whirl anyhow who knows maybe they can pull a string I dunno. I do qualify for a tax break with the state that will sorta help come tax time. But If i so much as get a piddly raise at work I'll loose that break and it'll end up costing me more then the raise would. So yeah I'm the guy thats like OH please dont give me a raise! haha Unless they want to give me something substantial.

30yrdrunk
I started running as a way to torch some steam I feel amazing after a run I cant deny that. Of course knocking out miles doesnt fix problems but it sure helps me feel better. Normally one run a day will cut it but theres plenty of days that I run a couple times just to ease the stress.

I garden once i step foot into my garden Its like entering a new world and theres so much order going on in there even tho my garden can be a catastrophie nature has a way of making order out of chaos haha. I read a lot and chase after my kids.

The number of kids you have is relative there are people with one kid who freak out I laugh. I got 6 and would gladly take 10 more I love my kids wouldnt trade them for the world. Oh and believe me I've heard many of times that i have too many kids thats the last thing I ever think tho.

jdooner

It sounds like there are some unhealthy habits in the relationship. Your wife may have some addictive behaviors too, such as shopping.

I relate to you here. I would shower my wife with gifts when things were going well and would take offense if she did not act a certain way. I am not saying this is what you are doing but in order to get better I had to open up and actually have these difficult conversations. For me it was more about control. Perhaps open up the checkbook and the accounts to her to let her know the situation? Maybe she will feel empowered to have access and be part of budgeting?

I am sorry you are dealing with these stresses.

zjw

I remember one time years ago she was getting carried away shopping I had to log all her expenses and put in front of her. She toned it down right then and there. But these days she doesnt do that sorta stuff. She was out buyen food and and a pair of shoes nothing criminal there. Sure if it where me I'd say tough it'll have to wait its not like the pantry was barren. I've shown her the finances its no secret. I think she just figures we always get by somehow and I simply worry too much and should stop worrying. Meanwhile I feel like i'm always having to jump through rings of fire to keep this boat afloat maybe I worry too much I dunno But I'd like to live within our means establish a savings etc.. its clearly impossible with our current expenses unless we sell our house or something or I make a sizable amount more money.

Lucky for me we have no debt cars are paid for we dont have cable tv etc... so it could be worse. when I first sobered up I had a mountain of debt to dig myself out of. I'm glad that is behind me.

Things have gotten better things are still just tough is all. And going for a run is a good coping mechanism for me but it stinks when i gotta do that sorta thing on the clock just to calm myself down I wish it didnt have to get like that but it does.

Ken33xx

I think the suggestions offered in this thread center around the idea you need to take additional action because what you are doing isn't working.

1. Get an AA sponsor and work the program.

2. Get help outside the AA rooms

I agree that self-flagellation rarely helps but you may need to get outside your comfort zone to make the needed changes.

jdooner

Sure your probably sick of this thread. There has been much good advice shared in these three pages. I also see a lot of, "yeah, your right but..." in your responses. Not just to mine. Being open and willing is tough but required for lasting change in my opinion. No need to answer anything or respond, try to save this thread and read it and let some of these things sink in.

Try to also stop saying that your situation is not as bad as others. There are always going to be examples worse and better. The relative comparison will ALWAYS send you astray from your goal of recovery. It serves no positive purpose in my opinion.