Dramamine

I just woke up from another ******* blackout,
my roommates are all passed out because they can't drink like I can.
It's noon.
I can't find my cell phone, or the clothes I was wearing yesterday,
and I don't remember what happened to them or when I took them off.
I feel like all my days are wasted (ha pun not intended) and my nights are a lot of fun,
but I can't ******* remember them so it's kind of pointless anyway.
Everything is pointless.
I'm sick of this cycle.
I've done so many awful things and I'm only 25.
I've recently hit my 1-year-clean mark from a serious meth addiction,
but now it's feeling like I'm pretty sure I just traded one drug for another.
****.
I hate this, it's embarrassing I've allowed myself to get to this point, I used to be such a strong independent person.
I'm always the life of the party, everyone loves me and when I show up to the party, people cheer and pour me shots.
I love shots.
Shots are my jam.
Many, many, many shots.
But that comes at a cost.
I'm destroying myself. I used to not care, but this isn't fun anymore.
What the hell am I supposed to do? I can't stop, even if I wanted to.
Everyone knows me as the fun-time partier, that's most of my appeal.
I'm the "bad influence" that everybody loves, I can't just tell them that I don't drink anymore, that's absurd.
It's so out of character.
And I guess maybe that's why it needs to happen.
I just don't know what to do.
****.

And even now, even after everything,
I just want to take another shot.
I woke up with the vodka handle sitting on my nightstand,
I probably did some shots in my room by myself,
after my roommates put me to bed,
thinking I couldn't possibly drink anymore.
This morning, I put the bottle on the kitchen table in disgust,
but all I'm thinking about is the fact that there's still a little bit left,
just enough for a shot.
I did eighteen shots of gin five days ago,
and was so disgusted with myself afterward that I made yet another promise to stop drinking,
HA like that would ever happen.
I'm forever falling into this downward spiral.
I want to cook a fantastic breakfast for my roommates,
and drink the whole time.
The breakfast is just the excuse for more drinks.
The breakfast would be pretty damn good, though.
I cover up my problem by just being good at everything else I do.
People don't see that it's a problem,
so why should I?

I'm a professional ballet dancer, and we are party animals, for sure.
Everyone drinks, A LOT.
We have lay-off periods during the summer, because our season follows a school year.
A program in the fall, Nutcracker during the winter, two programs in the early spring, and a program in the late spring.
I'm just coming off the end of the lay-off,
and I've been drinking the whole time.
My tolerance has skyrocketed these past couple of months,
and I'm kind of twistedly proud of that.
I am very worried that once our season starts in two weeks, that I won't be able to stop.
It's going to affect my job.
I dealt with my meth addiction through a whole year, and I almost got fired over it.
But I overcame and conquered that ****, and have been doing principal roles ever since.
I'm really worried about this season, because of my drinking.
I don't want it to ruin me.
I'm afraid it already has.

I'm gay, diagnosed with HIV four years ago,
because I got wasted and I guess apparently I let my boss **** me, who knows, I can't remember.
I quit my job the next day.
It's all my fault and there's nothing I can do about it.
Talk about a wasted life.
So now I'm just here and exhausted and still waiting for something good.
And while I'm waiting, I may as well take another ******* shot, right?
Everything is pointless, anyway.
I can't hold a relationship, I just always end up dumping them in a few months.
Because what the hell is the point?
I think I'm still drunk.
I just don't know what to do.

**ETA: And apparently you can't curse here, sorry about it...

Ken33xx

All I can say is when you decide you've had enough of the drama and problems associated with abusive drinking/drugging consider giving AA a shot.

It's free and you've nothing to lose.

Dramamine

I'm a little wary because I've heard it gets super religious.
I was raised in a strict Catholic family, and while they've really lightened up after I came out, the whole religion thing just really doesn't sit well. I'm way too cynical for that.
I might be completely wrong about that, though. I want to be wrong, because I want something, anything, to help me.
Is that true?

Ken33xx

How AA meetings are run often vary but the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking.

Best advice I can give is check out a bunch in your area and see what you think.

I really liked my first AA meeting but the second one was a turn-off.

biminiblue

There are LGBT meetings. Look one up - or call AA and ask.

God is not what AA is about. Some people will try tell you that you have to believe, but there are no rules in AA and the only requirement for "membership" is a desire to stop drinking.

HIV is not the end of the world anymore, even though it is a serious illness.

I would be more concerned about dying or destroying my beautiful body with alcohol. Liver problems are not the only thing that can happen - you can and will destroy your hips, your brain, your heart, your pancreas.

The amount you are drinking can and will kill you.

Stop. It would be such a tragedy if you were to die, and you absolutely will if you keep drinking.

Clutch B

AA works for me. I'm not a religious person either.

But I hope you take care of yourself and don't hurt yourself while trying to be the life of the party to make your friends happy. You're a worthy human being, and you deserve to be happy and healthy.

Do what's good for you, and your true friends will be happy for you.

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the Forum Dramamine!!

For me when I realised alcohol was causing so many problems in my life, the solution was clear that I needed to cut alcohol out of my life.

There are many methods out there, but it all boils down to taking alcohol out of the equation, you'll find loads of support here on SR too!!

IOAA2

Hi and welcome. Most who seek help with our addictions have a background of issues, some more than others. By stopping the intake of drugs/alcohol we can get better with some effort. Usually the more effort the quicker it can happen.
I had a pattern of wallowing in self pity so my sobriety was slow to gain a foothold until I surrendered to the fact that I could not drink in safety one day at a time and then I needed to work on recovery, which for me was work.
A lot of years later I’m still not a religious person but have a belief in a Higher Power that’s worked for me. May you get something that works for you if you want it.

BE WELL

ScottFromWI

There is a better way of life out there Dramamine. You have to want it though, and quitting is definitely not easy, you are most likely aware of that from quitting meth. Getting off meth and staying clean for a year is huge - you can absolutely do the same with alcohol. Why not make a change today before you get drunk again? No time like the present.

dingodog

Hello and welcome. I'm new here too. I believe you really don't think everything is pointless, or you woulnt be here asking for help. So you beat a meth addiction? That's impressive, so don't think you can't beat this one. That's the addiction talking to you. Wants to keep being fed. Sounds to me like you have a great job. I don't know any professional dancers, so that's quite an accomplishment. I really can't offer much given I'm only 2 days sober myself, but I do believe there is hope, and a lot of support. Here, and other places as well. Hope you stick around. And you are worth it... we all are.

heartcore

"Everyone knows me as the fun-time partier, that's most of my appeal.
I'm the "bad influence" that everybody loves, I can't just tell them that I don't drink anymore, that's absurd."

While you're basing your sense of meaning on being that fun-time partier for your friends, they are likely not similarly basing life and death decisions on how you perceive them.

HIV is not a death sentence, but drinking like you are on top of it makes it so.

I don't say that in a judgmental way. I've carried Hep C for many years, and during heavy drinking periods I am aware that it is almost a suicidal gesture.

They've just discovered a "cure" for Hep C. I am a candidate for it, and that whole aspect of my life will be shifted in a few short months (after decades of fear). I am profoundly grateful (to myself and to all the positive support I received from those around me) that the majority of my adult life I have been sober and have taken care of my health, or I wouldn't be here right now to experience this excitement and hopefulness about the next phase of my life. There were - indeed - periods of despair (about many aspects of self) in which I drank heavily, and - well, you understand - it is a horrible, sinking feeling to wake up realizing that not only did you drink to excess, but that you hated your self so much that you are damaging your body on top of a disease which already threatens it.

As a dancer, your relationship with your body is profound and aware. That's what I love about dance and movement. The athlete's control of the body. A dancer is an athlete. You can't be pirate and athlete simultaneously...

Finally, I was part of a kick-ass LGBT AA fellowship in Portland. I don't know if there is one in your city. You can definitely attend AA without being Christian, but it might take multiple meetings to find one in which you are truly comfortable. You might also find other recovery groups which are a better fit. Group or no group, you CAN quit drinking. I would suggest telling your doctor; with the amount of alcohol you've been using, you could have physical withdrawal.

You sound like an amazing, creative, awesome, and complicated person. I send you a wave of good energy, and the wish that you are strong to create the self that you want to be.

Dramamine

I'm totally still drunk, and my roommates are having a blast with me, I'm making everyone forget their hangovers. We're laughing, joking about ridiculous things having fun.
I don't want to give that up.
I'm afraid that without drinking, I won't be fun anymore.
I've just been this way for so long. I won't know what to do without it.

Thank you everyone, for all of your replies.
I guess now I'll look into AA.
When I quit meth I just did it on my own, I just decided to never do it again I changed my friends, I changed my life, I moved, I completely restarted.
I don't think this will be that easy, because I drink with everyone I know.
I'm nervous and apprehensive, probably a little scared.
I'm not sure if I can do it, it's just so easy to drink.

Wow, I am tearing up a little bit because of all of your heartfelt replies.
I know that my HIV has a lot to do with my self-worth, and I know it's not healthy.
I've been pretty destructive for a few years, with not taking my medication, not seeing my doctor, not getting my labs done, etc., but I have recently made a change in that and have been taking my meds for several months, following up with my doctor, and I just got my labs taken a few weeks ago. I don't have the results yet so I don't know if I've done any true damage on that front, we'll see in a few days when I go back.
Thank you all so much. This is really making me feel. I love feeling again.

PurpleKnight

Does this sound like fun? . . . at some point you need to make a decision as to whether alcohol is damaging your life, fun doesn't and shouldn't factor into it, you could have all the "fun" in the world and still allow alcohol to destroy your life!!

ScottFromWI

That's a very common fear, but it's unfounded. The only thing you won't be without drinking is drunk.

It will involve change, and definitely some things that you are uncomfortable with. It will most likely mean finding some new places to hang out, and new people to hang out with - but your TRUE friends will care not whether you are drinking or not. And you will make new friends that care about you, not what you drink.

soberlicious

Whatever it is about you that people are drawn to...that's within in you. Alcohol doesn't create your personality, all it does is lower inhibitions. But you don't need a substance for you to let your guard down and show others your amazing, funny, creative, talented, gregarious self. You can do that all by yourself. Drop your inhibitions sober. I find it's way more fun to remember what (and who) I did the night before.

Not all of us who quit drinking became monks and nuns. Some of us still love to party, just without any substances. You're not going to lose who you are, you're going to become a better you.

least

A sober life isn't boring at all. And I love waking up feeling good and not hating myself.

Get help from your doctor to detox safely. Then make some lifestyle changes and enjoy living sober. You can do this!

FeenixxRising

Welcome to SR Dramamine. You have a lot going on, but I suggest focusing on the plus column. It appears you have a career, and that's good. Being HIV positive isn't a bed of roses I'm sure, but the current treatments appear to be very successful, so you have that on your side.

There's help available. Much of it free:

AA/NA
SMART Recovery
LifeRing
SOS
Rational Recover/AVRT

But all of these programs require a willingness to change your perspective regarding alcohol in your life. In your case specifically, it seems you will need to accept that you don't need alcohol to be a fun and engaging person. I suggest focusing on your career and your health--and remove yourself from any person or situation that threatens that goal. It can initially be difficult, but once changes are made, you should find that life becomes a little easier and less cluttered with the bad stuff.

zjw

I sobered up without any help. In hindsite I should have gone to AA i'm not sure I would have taken it seriously tho had i done that then. But it is possible to get sober with no help just more difficult in my opinion.

I guess ask yourself i you want to keep this up day in and day out? where do you see yourself if you sober up vs not in a week a month a year 10 years? Do you see your situation getting any better if you keep this up?

sounds like your got a bright future with the dancing and such thats a pretty cool talent to have. Does heavy drinking have a favorable role in something like that? I doubt it.

I'm sure you learned a lot quiting meth that should help you with this i'd think.

DoubleDragons

I was worried about the "fun" thing, too, but when I got sober I had a big "a ha" moment around the six month mark. It occurred to me that not one of my family's or my friends' personalities changed all that much when they were drinking. In fact, they acted pretty much the same as they did sober until they got slurry, sleepy and stupid. It does not take drugs or alcohol to have fun or to be fun. You do not need a crutch. You are wonderful the way you are in your most natural form, free of mind alterations. I came to learn that my friends loved me DESPITE of my drinking not because of it.

dsmaxis10

try an AA meeting it will help